Ads by Muslim Ad Network

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Turned down prospect, now starting to regret decision

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Turned down prospect, now starting to regret decision

    Assalamualaykum,

    Basically I want to get some advice on what I should do.

    Bit of background, I'm a brother in my mid 20's and have finished my studying and am working full time.

    I was looking to get married in my early twenties but gave up due to the fact that it's so difficult to find someone.

    Up until this point I've been fine living the single life and kind of fell out of interest in marriage.

    recently a relative, introduced me and my parents to a potential spouse.

    I organised and met up with the sister and her family along with my parents.

    And the family's seemed to like get on well.

    When I was given some time to talk the sister, she seemed very nervous (which I can understand), but nonetheless she was polite and answered all the questions I asked but didn't really have anything to ask me.

    As we left I was confused, she seems to have good character and fulfills the basics of the religion.

    But there was just something I couldn't figure out, so I requested a second meetup, and this time requested if it could just be me her and a male relative (brother).

    On meeting for the second time, again I asked most of the questions and she seemed to again be somewhat reserved.

    And didn't really object to anything and went along with everything I was saying.

    I don't know what it is, but again I was confused about our compatibility:

    -She was born and raised in an rural area, and didn't go to uni, but works in the same field as me. She grew up around a close knit community and relatives.

    -I on the other hand grew up in the city, went to uni, and am a "professional" in the field. But grew up in a small family amongst siblings.

    I know marriage is not about love at first sight and the fairytale rubbish, but I'm seriously questioning our compatibility how important is this outside of religion and character.

    And when do you know when not to compromise on anything.

    A few other things:

    She's been divorced, no kids, and I've never been married (this honestly doesn't bother me)

    She likes to watch movies and TV shows etc, which I can understand, but I have stopped with all of this, a few years ago.

    I've been doing istikahra, and have been unsure about what I should do,

    So i decided to arrange for a 3rd meeting, but my parents are strongly against meeting again.

    do I take things not working in this sense as an answer to my istikahra.

    I've already told the family relative no, due to being pushed for an answer and I believe this has been communicated.

    But now I'm starting to think, this was the wrong choice and I should of gone ahead with things.

    Any advice/ opinions would be appreciated.

  • #2

    If you decide to meet her for a 3rd time but then decide she's not for you then you have wasted that girl's time and she will feel bad as if you were playing game with her so I agree with your parents you shouldn't meet her again unless you really want to marry her.
    Some people are shy and quiet type they don't say much, she may have low confidence this is why maybe she didn't ask you anything. Also remember when a male to go see a female for marriage usually female stay quiet out of shyness. When I met my ex wife first and second time she never asked me anything so I think it's normal. If she didn't say much, it's maybe a good thing, you don't want to marry a drama queen. If you already said no to this then whats the point of seeking advice? I mean if you tell them your interested now, they might say no. I think you should go for it if you like her.
    Last edited by ThisIsJannah; 09-01-19, 11:26 AM.

    Comment


    • #3
      'she seems to have good character and fulfills the basics of the religion.' - Thats good news and i think that should be an indication that it would be a good idea to marry her at least.

      'And the family's seemed to like get on well.' - IF this is true, then thats actually rly amazing.

      'something I couldn't figure out'
      ' I asked most of the questions and she seemed to again be somewhat reserved.'

      - Idk about this. This seems strange to me, i mean yes shes shy and reserved, maybe thats why (since its like many things u may not know or u feel like u cannot talk to her well). However, she has good character as u said. If you think u can talk with her, then that would be nice but tbh both has its pros and cons. Being shy means she may like u (ofc not 100%), and that shes genuine. Ofc u know the cons to being reserved.

      'but I'm seriously questioning our compatibility how important is this outside of religion and character.' - i do not understand what you mean by this time. Sure she lived in a rural area without going to uni. However, character and religion is what matters most and if ur attracted to her somewhat. Its a bit weird that she works in the same area as you but not gone to uni. To be honest, idk what u mean by this, same work, or just a similar field of work.

      'I've been doing istikahra, and have been unsure about what I should do,

      So i decided to arrange for a 3rd meeting, but my parents are strongly against meeting again.

      do I take things not working in this sense as an answer to my istikahra.'

      - Istikhara, you have not told us if the dream was good or not. Imo, u should ask someone who is known for istikahra, or do it yourself, to see what dream you get. Do not take what has been happening as a indication. Allah knows best.

      In conclusion

      Honestly if the istikhara is good then i would do it. She has good character and the family is getting on well. She has her own interest like watching TV and thats not bad honestly (idk why this would concern u IF it does). If her religion and character is something u like then i would go for it, IF the istikahra is good. Keep doing istikahra until you or someone else gets a a positive/negative dream, and decide upon that. Idk about what u feel like is missed out though, when it comes to compatibility, i can only take guesses.



      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Suffered View Post
        'she seems to have good character and fulfills the basics of the religion.' - Thats good news and i think that should be an indication that it would be a good idea to marry her at least.

        'And the family's seemed to like get on well.' - IF this is true, then thats actually rly amazing.

        'something I couldn't figure out'
        ' I asked most of the questions and she seemed to again be somewhat reserved.'

        - Idk about this. This seems strange to me, i mean yes shes shy and reserved, maybe thats why (since its like many things u may not know or u feel like u cannot talk to her well). However, she has good character as u said. If you think u can talk with her, then that would be nice but tbh both has its pros and cons. Being shy means she may like u (ofc not 100%), and that shes genuine. Ofc u know the cons to being reserved.

        'but I'm seriously questioning our compatibility how important is this outside of religion and character.' - i do not understand what you mean by this time. Sure she lived in a rural area without going to uni. However, character and religion is what matters most and if ur attracted to her somewhat. Its a bit weird that she works in the same area as you but not gone to uni. To be honest, idk what u mean by this, same work, or just a similar field of work.

        'I've been doing istikahra, and have been unsure about what I should do,

        So i decided to arrange for a 3rd meeting, but my parents are strongly against meeting again.

        do I take things not working in this sense as an answer to my istikahra.'

        - Istikhara, you have not told us if the dream was good or not. Imo, u should ask someone who is known for istikahra, or do it yourself, to see what dream you get. Do not take what has been happening as a indication. Allah knows best.

        In conclusion

        Honestly if the istikhara is good then i would do it. She has good character and the family is getting on well. She has her own interest like watching TV and thats not bad honestly (idk why this would concern u IF it does). If her religion and character is something u like then i would go for it, IF the istikahra is good. Keep doing istikahra until you or someone else gets a a positive/negative dream, and decide upon that. Idk about what u feel like is missed out though, when it comes to compatibility, i can only take guesses.


        what i meant by that was due to our different upbringings is this why i find it difficult to "communicate" with her etc. By the way its same field albeit different positions.

        this is one of the biggest misconceptions about istikhara, it is not necessary to see a dream or anything.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by ThisIsJannah View Post
          If you decide to meet her for a 3rd time but then decide she's not for you then you have wasted that girl's time and she will feel bad as if you were playing game with her so I agree with your parents you shouldn't meet her again unless you really want to marry her.
          Some people are shy and quiet type they don't say much, she may have low confidence this is why maybe she didn't ask you anything. Also remember when a male to go see a female for marriage usually female stay quiet out of shyness. When I met my ex wife first and second time she never asked me anything so I think it's normal. If she didn't say much, it's maybe a good thing, you don't want to marry a drama queen. If you already said no to this then whats the point of seeking advice? I mean if you tell them your interested now, they might say no. I think you should go for it if you like her.

          With all due respect how else how else am I supposed to gauge what type of person she is? and I'm not making this personal but the fact you mentioned that you experienced this with your ex wife, doesn't that indicate that this could be potential problem further down the line.

          How do you suggest I do that?


          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Nitroustoast View Post

            what i meant by that was due to our different upbringings is this why i find it difficult to "communicate" with her etc. By the way its same field albeit different positions.

            this is one of the biggest misconceptions about istikhara, it is not necessary to see a dream or anything.
            There's no harm in meeting her again. If your rejection hasn't been passed along yet, then request a third meeting and decide from there. If you still feel iffy, then say no and move along. If you find yourself feeling comfortable, then you can continue to talk to her with a male mahram present.

            She might just be nervous, especially since she's a divorced woman and for some there's a stigma attached to them. If she's just quiet, then it takes a bit of time before she opens up to you. There are questionnaires that you can ask during a meeting that can help break the ice. And even if it doesn't, it can help give you a better idea if you'd like to continue talking to her or not.

            https://www.amaliah.com/post/35275/h...tential-spouse

            That site has 53 questions, which sounds like a lot, so just pick and choose and be sure to answer the questions too. There's also this site:

            https://conversationstartersworld.co...ate-questions/

            Which has 160 questions to ask for a first date, but some of those questions could help you gauge the personality of a person as well so you can pick some stuff out from there.


            Feeling off about someone when you meet them the first time is normal. Same with the second time. For some, the first meeting is enough to see if you'd want to marry them and for others it takes a couple of meetings before you finally agree. Just look back on your feelings and ask yourself why you feel the way you feel. If it's something you can get over, then continue talking. If it isn't, then stop.

            May Allah make it easy for you and the sister. Ameen.
            مَّن ذَا الَّذِي يُقْرِضُ اللّهَ قَرْضًا حَسَنًا فَيُضَاعِفَهُ لَهُ أَضْعَافًا كَثِيرَةً وَاللّهُ يَقْبِضُ وَيَبْسُطُ وَإِلَيْهِ تُرْجَعُونَ

            "Who is he that will loan to Allah a beautiful loan, which Allah will double unto his credit and multiply many times?
            It is Allah that giveth (you) Want or plenty, and to Him shall be your return."
            Surah al-Baqarah
            [2:245]

            .:.
            .:. Perfer et Obdura : Dolor Hic Tibi Proderit Olim .:.
            Be patient and strong : someday this pain will be useful to you

            .:.
            ...said the spider to the fly...

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post

              There's no harm in meeting her again. If your rejection hasn't been passed along yet, then request a third meeting and decide from there. If you still feel iffy, then say no and move along. If you find yourself feeling comfortable, then you can continue to talk to her with a male mahram present.

              She might just be nervous, especially since she's a divorced woman and for some there's a stigma attached to them. If she's just quiet, then it takes a bit of time before she opens up to you. There are questionnaires that you can ask during a meeting that can help break the ice. And even if it doesn't, it can help give you a better idea if you'd like to continue talking to her or not.

              https://www.amaliah.com/post/35275/h...tential-spouse

              That site has 53 questions, which sounds like a lot, so just pick and choose and be sure to answer the questions too. There's also this site:

              https://conversationstartersworld.co...ate-questions/

              Which has 160 questions to ask for a first date, but some of those questions could help you gauge the personality of a person as well so you can pick some stuff out from there.


              Feeling off about someone when you meet them the first time is normal. Same with the second time. For some, the first meeting is enough to see if you'd want to marry them and for others it takes a couple of meetings before you finally agree. Just look back on your feelings and ask yourself why you feel the way you feel. If it's something you can get over, then continue talking. If it isn't, then stop.

              May Allah make it easy for you and the sister. Ameen.
              Ameen, thanks for your help/advice.

              If the rejection has been passed along and I regret my choice, is it worth contacting them though my relative or should I just leave things?

              Comment


              • #8
                Maybe you can talk to her on the phone then maybe she will open up.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Nitroustoast View Post

                  Ameen, thanks for your help/advice.

                  If the rejection has been passed along and I regret my choice, is it worth contacting them though my relative or should I just leave things?
                  It's up to you. You can try again with a clean slate, but if the rejection went through and she's no longer interested then use this as a learning experience for next time.
                  مَّن ذَا الَّذِي يُقْرِضُ اللّهَ قَرْضًا حَسَنًا فَيُضَاعِفَهُ لَهُ أَضْعَافًا كَثِيرَةً وَاللّهُ يَقْبِضُ وَيَبْسُطُ وَإِلَيْهِ تُرْجَعُونَ

                  "Who is he that will loan to Allah a beautiful loan, which Allah will double unto his credit and multiply many times?
                  It is Allah that giveth (you) Want or plenty, and to Him shall be your return."
                  Surah al-Baqarah
                  [2:245]

                  .:.
                  .:. Perfer et Obdura : Dolor Hic Tibi Proderit Olim .:.
                  Be patient and strong : someday this pain will be useful to you

                  .:.
                  ...said the spider to the fly...

                  Comment

                  Working...
                  X