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  • Communication issues?

    As Salam o alaikum bros and sisters. I'm here for genuine advice and i will be as honest as hell in this post.

    The hubs and I have issues. I feel its his behaviour that's mostly to blame. Background, he has had bad comms with me since the start. I always ignored it as much as I could, he gave money to ppl without telling me, took out loans for ppl and when I found letters or it was mentioned by others, I was annoyed. I always told him he should have told me rather than hide it from what it seemed to me. He says he's forgets.

    Some years ago we had in law trouble from his sidee and he blamed it on me at the time and 5 years later he's sees some truth to what I was telling him all along. When he's in a bad mood in an argument I always come as the one to blame and then I have to justify myself. First he shouts and blames me for various thing and then it comes down to his fam and I'm the villian.

    He does what he likes and when he does ask for my advice, I give it to him but I don't think for a minute he will take it coz he does what he likes. He works all the time and he doesn't have time to sit and talk to me and find out what's going in on around the home or with out eldest sons school ect ect. He never tells me what's going on in his life or his fams and I find out from various other ppl. Again he says he forgets so I said to him well u tell our home life to ur fam so I'm sure u can let me know goings on in ur fam every now and again.


    ​​​​​Recently some sad news hit his fam and I left all decisions to him and did my best to do what I could and I was accused of not making an effort so I took out as much evidence as I could from my mobile and I showed him.

    I'm very patient and I try talking to him while he's busy shouting at me but there comes a limit when he won't listen or let me talk and then I explode out of frustration of not being herd or understood. Recently we had an argument in front his fam and he turned out and said I'm not a perfect husband for her coz she's looking for perfection. His dad asked me y he said that and what am I saying to him that he feels like that. I didn't know what to say knowing I looked like an awful wife. All I was asking for him to communicate with me and let me in on his life.

    I feel like I've failed again in life with trying to get some approval that I'm doing well in life from all the mehram men in my life. After 15 years of marriage all I feel like is I'm not good enough. He makes me feel like i'm not good enough in my cooking as I don't cook like his mum or then he will let it slip in front of others he doesn't like some things I cook on a regular basis.

    Allah knows I've tried being clam and show him thru religion things but he gets it for a week and he's back to square one.

  • #2
    Well if you haven't figured it out after 15 years then I don't know what to tell you...don't know what you need help with...

    Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

    Comment


    • #3
      Sounds like he is a good provider and not a good communicator. I tell people that everybody has to ask the question when it comes to relationships, career opportunities, education pursuits, etc. "Is the juice worth the squeeze?" In other words, if the efforts worth the end results. So really only you can answer that. If your husband is worth the squeeze then don't complain and accept how he is or if he isn't worth the squeeze then move on.
      "When a man sees the road as long he weakens in his walk." Ibn Qayyim

      Comment


      • #4
        The truth is, almost every marriage has problems and most have some sort of anchor whether it's kids, family, shame or whatever it may be to hold on. Of course not all married people are unhappy but all have problems bigger and smaller.

        Do you know how he feels about you? Just as you wrote all your concerns and things you want him to fix, do you know his view on what he thinks and feels in this marriage?

        my advice, communicate and be patient. Or you may take your chances and continue life without him. But if you do that, there's a higher chance if by the miracle of Allah you find another man, he won't be much different than your current husband.
        وَلَا تَكُونُوا كَالَّذِينَ نَسُوا اللَّهَ فَأَنسَاهُمْ أَنفُسَهُمْ

        Comment


        • #5
          Is it possible that he does not want to communicate with you because all you do is ask this and that about his family, friends etc, which clearly he does not want to discuss with you. I suggest don't bring up anything about his family, friends, acquaintances etc or things you have heard from others. If he works a lot, give him time and space to unwind after get gets home before approaching him about kids school etc. Find things to talk about that are of direct concern to you and your kids. Does he even talk to his kids? what is his relationship like with them? After a while he may be reassured you arent going to ask him about things he doesn't want to discuss and may be more open to communication. If not then you have to decide if this kind of non communicative relationship is acceptable to you or are you better off out of it.

          Comment


          • #6
            I've spent the last 2 years not asking him anything regards to his family friends, what he's been doing with his work. I've taken a backseat but it upsets me that people outside my home know more about what's going on in his life than me and when people mention/ask things to me about what's going on in his life, be it work, some problem or about his fam, I don't know about it so I end up looking like a moron to the outside circle. This is why I spoke to him about this comms gap. I've never nagged him and said so so told me this, y didn't u tell me. I used to just be like oh did this happen with whatever it concerns and n he be like yeah n that's it forgot to tell u.

            ​​​​​My fam or friends come over and they can say anything to my husband and he will know whats going on coz I fill him in on everything.

            I guess i don't feel like I'm apart of his life, I'm just here to cook clean, look after the kids and work and help pay the bills.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Justifiedmuslima View Post
              I'

              I guess i don't feel like I'm apart of his life, I'm just here to cook clean, look after the kids and work and help pay the bills.

              You realised this 15 years into the marriage? You need to tell him all this.....you can complain about him here but nothing will get done...

              When he says he doesnt like your cooking infrotn of others then you need to tell him that it hurts your feelings. If he says he doesn't like a certain dish then say you won't cook it. He can make his own bloody meals he hates yours. Doubt he will do that..
              Last edited by shay5; 06-01-19, 10:24 PM.
              Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

              Comment


              • #8
                The difference is that you choose to tell him things concerning your friends/family, whereas he doesn't feel the need to.

                It's not in his personality to do so. There's nothing wrong with that. You don't need to know the ins and outs of his family matters. In a way it's good he's keeping you away from all the drama.

                15 years is a long time sister. Don't throw it away for nothing. Some men don't like talking/communicating, it doesn't make them bad husbands.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Justifiedmuslima View Post
                  As Salam o alaikum bros and sisters. I'm here for genuine advice and i will be as honest as hell in this post.

                  The hubs and I have issues. I feel its his behaviour that's mostly to blame. Background, he has had bad comms with me since the start. I always ignored it as much as I could, he gave money to ppl without telling me, took out loans for ppl and when I found letters or it was mentioned by others, I was annoyed. I always told him he should have told me rather than hide it from what it seemed to me. He says he's forgets.

                  Some years ago we had in law trouble from his sidee and he blamed it on me at the time and 5 years later he's sees some truth to what I was telling him all along. When he's in a bad mood in an argument I always come as the one to blame and then I have to justify myself. First he shouts and blames me for various thing and then it comes down to his fam and I'm the villian.

                  He does what he likes and when he does ask for my advice, I give it to him but I don't think for a minute he will take it coz he does what he likes. He works all the time and he doesn't have time to sit and talk to me and find out what's going in on around the home or with out eldest sons school ect ect. He never tells me what's going on in his life or his fams and I find out from various other ppl. Again he says he forgets so I said to him well u tell our home life to ur fam so I'm sure u can let me know goings on in ur fam every now and again.


                  ​​​​​Recently some sad news hit his fam and I left all decisions to him and did my best to do what I could and I was accused of not making an effort so I took out as much evidence as I could from my mobile and I showed him.

                  I'm very patient and I try talking to him while he's busy shouting at me but there comes a limit when he won't listen or let me talk and then I explode out of frustration of not being herd or understood. Recently we had an argument in front his fam and he turned out and said I'm not a perfect husband for her coz she's looking for perfection. His dad asked me y he said that and what am I saying to him that he feels like that. I didn't know what to say knowing I looked like an awful wife. All I was asking for him to communicate with me and let me in on his life.

                  I feel like I've failed again in life with trying to get some approval that I'm doing well in life from all the mehram men in my life. After 15 years of marriage all I feel like is I'm not good enough. He makes me feel like i'm not good enough in my cooking as I don't cook like his mum or then he will let it slip in front of others he doesn't like some things I cook on a regular basis.

                  Allah knows I've tried being clam and show him thru religion things but he gets it for a week and he's back to square one.
                  He probably does not tell you half the stuff because maybe you do not need to know nor will it benefit you by knowing.

                  Although you blame your husbands behaviour for most of your issues you need to take a look at what you have actually done to help your situation.

                  You said he has been lime that from day one, you should have taken steps back then so his behaviour changes. You let it carry on for 15 years so he probably thinks she will be upset about it but then will be back to normal.

                  People tend to treat us how we allow them to. If you say you have tried talking to him then you should have got another person to talk to him. You can still do that.

                  Also remember don't let what others say cause you a problem. You should not even entertain them when they tak to you about your husband or something he did. Ask them why are they telling you? What is their intention and purpose of telling you? If they want to know something they can ask him directly.

                  When it comes to cooking as him what he likes to eat or what he would like you to cook. You are not his mum so your cooking not being like hers should not be a big deal but if he makes it into a big deal do not let it upset you.

                  Also do dua and ask Allah swt to help you.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    sounds asian from back home
                    asian men from back home are like this

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Sounds like you are purely husband and wife, without any friendship between you. Nothing wrong with that as long as there is compassion and mercy. The problem is that you are not satisfied with such a relationship, although it seems that he is. You have two options then:

                      1. Find your own friends, social life, and hobbies so that you do not feel the need for your husband to also be your friend. This does not mean that you should not be a good wife to your husband though.

                      2. Try to befriend your husband. Find out what his hobbies are and take an interest in them. Maybe participate in those hobbies with him. Or come up with new hobbies that you both can do together. Take time to have conversations with him on various topics not related to family or marriage. Don't nag him, but slowly try to show him that you have intelligent thoughts and ideas and over time he will come to appreciate you and come to you for advice, InshaAllah. Right now you are just his wife, not a friend and confidante. That sort of relationship has to be developed over time.

                      As for cooking, try to cook the foods that he likes. If he doesn't like something that you cook, try to improve it per his criticism or don't cook that dish for him. Remember the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

                      Use the bedroom to your advantage as well. That is the other way to a man's heart. That is the place where it will be easiest to start a friendship.
                      Last edited by abdulsidd; 07-01-19, 12:01 AM.

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