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  • Marriage & Future

    Asalam Alaikum,

    I am in need of advice.

    I have fallen prey to Shaitaan's tricks like so many unfortunately. From the age of 16 i had a friend, a Muslim girl same age as me. We were just two innocent young Muslims talking, laughing and helping each other with advice through life's struggles - basically we were everything you could expect from a good friend and although we only met as part of a group, we texted and talked on the phone and from the age of 16 spoke everyday. When i got to the age of 21 - 22 i started developing deeper feelings. Maybe had something to do with the fact that i was now beginning to think of the future and my future wife. My friend seemed to tick all the boxes i expected in my future wife. Although like the rest of us she had room for improvement her Deen was very strong Alhumdulillah, she was very respectful, she looked after her parents and family and did so much for others. As a bonus i really liked her personality and it was only now i began to notice her beauty on the outside also. After spending a while trying to suppress these feelings and ignore them i realised i couldn't any longer. I told her how i felt and she revealed that she also had developed feelings but tried to just brush them off as just caring for a friend. I also told her siblings how i felt and told them that if they didn't like it i promise to cut contact immediately regardless of how long we had been friends and how hard it would be. I have sisters myself and as a result have always tried to remain respectful with others - treat others how i would like to be treated. Her siblings appreciated i came to them first and really liked me. My sisters had met my friend and got on with her so well which was a surprise to me. She was completely different to them, my sisters are very materialistic and from a young age followed this shameless teen girl pop culture and fashion. Yet they got on even the times my friend tried to advise them or scold them for the shameful things they would do they would quietly listen and show respect (something they would argue and fall out with elders in my family for doing). My mother knew for years we were friends but she had never met or spoken to her. I told my mother how i felt about her and not long after that they had met and my mother absolutely loved her. She saw her as the type of girl she would have loved my sisters to be. I knew she would get along with my mother as for years id told her that her habits and personality were very similar to my mothers.

    Now at this point your all probably thinking great - time for a proposal. But as is so often with desi culture there were too many obstacles at this point. She had elder sisters who were not married and her parents wouldn't look at her till they were. I also only earned a modest wage and only had a college diploma and not a graduate degree, something we knew would be an issue with her parents. So we waited. Big Mistake! In entered Shaitaan and his whispers. We had began to meet alone and talked more intensely on the phone for hours on end every day particularly at night before we went to sleep. It wasn't until i was 25 that her siblings were married and i had a more decent profession that we sent the proposal. In that time there were many challenges in my own home. My sisters left home and left Islam and i have had to watch my parents go through unbearable pain and still to this day feel the pain myself also. Things have been horrible since then. I hoped that this rishta would bring much needed happiness in my life, my parents lives, and our home. My parents would play with my cousins children and i would see the look of longing on their faces and knew like any parents they wanted one of their own children to start a family and wanted to be grandparents. It made it worse that these cousins which were married and had kids were the same age as me. I am the eldest in my family and thanks to my sisters actions i knew that my parents dream now rested with me and i really wanted to give them and myself a family and bring much needed barkat into our home since my sisters left. My family were 100% happy with the rishta and with the girl. Her mother and siblings were also happy, but her father wasn't. When i met him we seemed to get along till behind closed doors he said he did not approve to his family and that i was not good enough for his daughter. They had their own ongoing family issues for a while which she felt was playing a part in his stubborness and refusal. For over a year we tried and so did others in her family to convince him. It was hurting us so much. We both prayed Istikhara and she did dua to Allah SWT that if its meant to be then to make it easy and if it isn't then take it away. After the year when we both saw no solution and were so confused we realised there was nothing we could do and nothing was working to convince him. We still spoke for a few months till she suggested we stop talking to try and rid us of the hurt and pain and i agreed to her wishes. Apart from the odd few occasions of weakness where a text or email was sent particularly on birthdays or Eid we largely stayed away from each other and had no contact for a year and a half. These times when we spoke she seemed so strong and said she had moved on and finally found happiness in her life again after months of being upset. She said she had become closer to Allah SWT Alhumdulillah and was praying most salahs and it was bringing her peace the only thing keeping her sane. In this time I also improved my Deen and got closer to Allah SWT Alhumdulillah. For a long time ive done dua to rid me of this pain and ask for His forgiveness every day. We were 2 people i never expected to be led to sin of talking everyday alone with the opposite gender. Despite this she remains in my mind and there are times it drives me crazy. I think about her every day and for most of the day despite not wanting to and trying not to. I have heard all the cliche's that time is a healer and i also know that as Muslims we are supposed to remain patient particularly when calamity befalls us so i always tell myself don't worry you'll think of her less and less as time goes on and your heart will heal. Like i said though its been a year and half and i have recently heard she is getting married soon and is happy. Alhumudulillah i am so happy for her and she deserves it so much for the person she is and what she has been through. And yet here i am still thinking about her in the morning, during the day, and at night. I still feel the pain and have not healed my heart and mind. For a long time i've prayed all my salahs Mashallah and even pray Qaza for the ones i miss. I havent listened to music and try to control my tongue before i speak to make sure i don't do the major sins most of us do daily without realising like cursing or backbiting. I watch Islamic talks for knowledge instead of the other things i used to watch and as i said for a long time i've tried to make these changes in my life and move forward positively and with the remembrance of Allah SWT. But im still hurting so much. Its beginning to become unbearable, i mean we haven't spoken properly for almost 2 years for goodness sake.

    I am now 28 and still hurting as much as day 1 when i was 25 and our rishta was refused. I still cry alot of times when i pray particularly Fajr or when i pray Tahajjud. I constantly pray for our forgiveness and for Allah SWT to rid me of this pain and help me move forward with my life and stop thinking about a woman whom Allah SWT has decreed to be another mans. Am i still hurting and thinking about her because my Emaan isn't as strong as hers? Why am i struggling to accept Allah SWT's Qadr even after all this time? How long does time exactly take to 'heal'? Is it fair and respectful for me to look at possible rishtay even though i cant shake these thoughts of another woman yet? One of the reasons i have not looked at any prospects since then is that my friends and family constantly tell me that things happen for a reason and if she is not decreed for me then it is because Allah SWT has some better for me. Alhumdulillah i try my level best to believe that and will not settle for anything less. But i dont find it respectful to constantly turn down peoples daughters because i don't feel they are as good or better as her that's why i haven't checked any out. Im also not sure if its right to look for a wife while im trying to get over this. Is it right to look while im in this frame of mind? Please help anyone
    Last edited by KR7; 26-12-18, 12:41 AM.

  • #2
    Salaams brother. It's time for some closure otherwise you will go on even longer without getting married. This has developed into a unhealthy fixation. Rectify it and move on with your life. May Allah Azza wa Jal make it easy for you. Ameen.
    "When a man sees the road as long he weakens in his walk." Ibn Qayyim

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    • #3
      You're putting her on a pedestal. Women are human, they have good and bad.

      It's time to move on. And a good way for a man to do that is to start considering other women.

      ​​​

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Musbah View Post
        Salaams brother. It's time for some closure otherwise you will go on even longer without getting married. This has developed into a unhealthy fixation. Rectify it and move on with your life. May Allah Azza wa Jal make it easy for you. Ameen.
        Salaam brother, thank you for your reply. Any ideas on how i can get closure? Ive been trying for years

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by KR7 View Post

          Salaam brother, thank you for your reply. Any ideas on how i can get closure? Ive been trying for years
          Truly accept Allah's Qadr.
          "When a man sees the road as long he weakens in his walk." Ibn Qayyim

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
            You're putting her on a pedestal. Women are human, they have good and bad.

            It's time to move on. And a good way for a man to do that is to start considering other women.

            ​​​
            Salaam brother thank you for your reply.

            No doubt in my mind she is on a pedestal and i see her differently probably due to my feelings. However, if you mean this pedestal has hidden the truth and shortcomings from me i dont think thats true. We didnt believe we were perfect, rather we believed time spent together showed each other the good and the bad and we both knew how to compromise and deal with the bad. Even after years of friendship when we decided to send the rishta we didnt do it blindly because of our feelings. We still spoke first and had the necessary conversations and discussions about marriage and our expectations. Despite knowing each other for years and having feelings we didnt rush in blindly.

            Thank you for your advice, do you think i ahould consider other women and check prospects while i am still in this frame of mind? I pray to Allah SWT everyday to grant me patience and lift this pain and the thoughts of her, i feel so guilty when i think of her now but try as i might i cant stop. If i wait till i no longer think of her i have no idea how long that will be and like the brother said ill be even older and find it harder

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Musbah View Post

              Truly accept Allah's Qadr.
              Alhumdulillah, amazing advice and i have been trying this for a long time. Although im not quite there in my mind completely i know if i didnt try and accept Allah's Qadr i would be so much worse right now and i am greatful to Him still that things could be worse. I always attend Janaza at my local Masjid, i think its a good reminder of our end destination. When i stress at work or home about this i always recite "Ina Lillahi Wa Inna Ilaihi Ra'jioon" to remind me who i belong to and who she belongs to. It does help because i realise how cheeky and ungreatful it is of me to want something that is not mine. Like i said my problem is just i cant rid myself of thoughts coming back and wondered if more time would heal that or another woman? But i feel bad for considering another woman before my heart is fully healed i dont want to waste anyones time or disrespect anyone

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by KR7 View Post

                Salaam brother thank you for your reply.

                No doubt in my mind she is on a pedestal and i see her differently probably due to my feelings. However, if you mean this pedestal has hidden the truth and shortcomings from me i dont think thats true. We didnt believe we were perfect, rather we believed time spent together showed each other the good and the bad and we both knew how to compromise and deal with the bad. Even after years of friendship when we decided to send the rishta we didnt do it blindly because of our feelings. We still spoke first and had the necessary conversations and discussions about marriage and our expectations. Despite knowing each other for years and having feelings we didnt rush in blindly.

                Thank you for your advice, do you think i ahould consider other women and check prospects while i am still in this frame of mind? I pray to Allah SWT everyday to grant me patience and lift this pain and the thoughts of her, i feel so guilty when i think of her now but try as i might i cant stop. If i wait till i no longer think of her i have no idea how long that will be and like the brother said ill be even older and find it harder
                Even so, there are a lot of women in this world, and many can make you feel the same way you did about her.

                I don't think you should wait. If you want to move on, you have to take active steps in doing so. So yes, start being open to other women.

                Comment


                • #9
                  In your first post you wrote that you
                  have fallen prey to shaitans tricks
                  that in itself should tell you that shaitan is trying to keep you holding on to thoughts of that sister so you do not move forward.

                  The brothers gave you good advice. You seem to have the right mindset and alhumdulillah you recognise it is not riht to think of her especially as she will be the wife of another brother.

                  You should move on inshaAllah. When you do come across other potentials you will realise there are other woman similar if not better than her and also some may not be. This time do not prolong the getting to know eachother part for so long.

                  Also a final suggestion would be that when the thoughts come ibto your head try and busy yourself so you take your mind of her. It probably happens alot when you are alone. Instead listen to Quran, an islamic lecture or do dhikr.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Mintchocchip View Post
                    In your first post you wrote that you that in itself should tell you that shaitan is trying to keep you holding on to thoughts of that sister so you do not move forward.

                    The brothers gave you good advice. You seem to have the right mindset and alhumdulillah you recognise it is not riht to think of her especially as she will be the wife of another brother.

                    You should move on inshaAllah. When you do come across other potentials you will realise there are other woman similar if not better than her and also some may not be. This time do not prolong the getting to know eachother part for so long.

                    Also a final suggestion would be that when the thoughts come ibto your head try and busy yourself so you take your mind of her. It probably happens alot when you are alone. Instead listen to Quran, an islamic lecture or do dhikr.
                    Exactly, years wasted. No woman is worth wasting so much time over. If you think about it out of the millions of women out there you are only going to picking one (2, 3 or 4) from at best a pool of a few hundred women that "will move in the same circle as you". If you think of it like this then when you identify "the one", it does not mean much.

                    Same goes for women picking out a man, you are picking one out of a few hundred. It does not need to be so painful a search.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      It's important to delete her contact details, messages between you and her, any pictures you may have of her.

                      Delete the numbers of her family members and block them.

                      If you have facebook then delete it for good.

                      It's important you do this, if you don't then you only have yourself to blame.

                      Don't think it's a loss. It really isn't. The reason why you think she is something else because you spent time with her alone. You were going through difficult times and went to her which gave you comfort.

                      There are so many women in the world and so many men in this world.

                      No one is that special or unique. We're all human with flaws.

                      The last thing we want is our spouses to have someone else in their heart, especially when that person is already married. It's quite serious and could lead to harmful actions and a betrayal of trust.

                      She's moved on, good on her. You need to do the same, would have thought it's easier for men- just my opinion

                      ​​​​​
                      Remember, she is nothing to you, but about to be someone's wife. Not worth crying over. I know it's hard because you had this deep relationship, but these deep relationships are the downfalls of breakdowns in marriages within our communities.

                      It's your wife that you have to show love. Have hope.

                      Don't be that loser who falls for Satan's whispers and ruins a woman's honour. It could have been much worse than this.

                      Be grateful to Allah.

                      ​​​​​​There's alot of women around. Make sure the other brother's fiance is not in your head.

                      'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                      So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
                        You're putting her on a pedestal. Women are human, they have good and bad.

                        It's time to move on. And a good way for a man to do that is to start considering other women.

                        ​​​
                        I agree with your post ...except perhaps the last sentence. It sounds like the right course of action in principle of course.

                        OP proceed with caution and if you do start considering proposals. Don't do an injustice to another woman by constantly comparing her to this friend ...I say it is an injustice as these feelings, if not shut down properly, will continue to linger on in marriage ...particularly when things aren't very rosey.

                        ​​​​

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                        • #13
                          JazakAllah for everyone's advice and feedback. I have been telling myself these points for a long time but to hear it from others truly warms my heart and gives me strength Alhumdulillah. As difficult as it seems right now i hope that in time every trace of memories and feelings of her will be removed from my heart and my mind InshAllah

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by MyUsernameIs... View Post

                            I agree with your post ...except perhaps the last sentence. It sounds like the right course of action in principle of course.

                            OP proceed with caution and if you do start considering proposals. Don't do an injustice to another woman by constantly comparing her to this friend ...I say it is an injustice as these feelings, if not shut down properly, will continue to linger on in marriage ...particularly when things aren't very rosey.

                            ​​​​
                            Perhaps the best way for him to get rid of the feelings is to encounter another great woman.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

                              Perhaps the best way for him to get rid of the feelings is to encounter another great woman.
                              My username is right, he has to be cautious otherwise it could be another repeat and he could start comparing.

                              The previous sister he knew well because he spent alot of private time with her, they knew each other since the age of 16.

                              When he is ready to consider other sisters, he has to do this the right way.

                              There won't be any private meet ups and therefore the thrill element and butterflies in the stomach might not be there. Although, it is possible to feel like that if you have met a potential once or twice.





                              'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                              So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                              Comment

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