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Boyfriend forced to marry his cousin, but he also wants to marry me!!?? 😩

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  • zi-zizou
    replied
    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    Ah, it must be my western infused liberal feminism getting to me. It makes women horrible and think to much.
    Depends on what they think and what they come out with. A woman does not need to describe herself as a feminist in order to think.


    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    I've mentioned before that I have no issue with anyone on the forum. Truly. I don't and take every post as is. However, when someone says my line of thinking is due to western feminism and that I'm too liberal or whatever and then makes a side comment about it must being a woman thing....then akhi, what am I to think? You already assumed something when you first asked me a question way back way in this thread. And you yourself said why you asked....*shrugs*
    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    I did mention the second wife, but it was in a way to make her see that it wasn't a viable option. Another user mentioned that she should suggest getting married to the brother first before he gets married, and yet there's only one post you took issue with. It's okay akhi, I get it.
    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    I'm going to explain how I see the situation:

    The sister listens to classic rock and plays video games, she doesn't get involved with guys and initially shot down the brother in the beginning. The fact that she listens to music and sees this as a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship should immediately show you that she's not that religious and that her family may not be either. She could be a typical Muslim who prays, but doesn't know much about the deen. This is common place in universities and the like. The video games are fine though, because there's nothing wrong with them.

    The sister may not know much about Islam, but she does know that there shouldn't be anything physical between the sexes. However, she doesn't realize that she shouldn't talk to them. But remember what she said in her first post, the brother told her that in order for them to talk comfortably she has to agree to marry him. So, she was under the impression that everything she was doing was Islamic. Whether he used this to get her closer to the deen or not, Allahu 'Alam, but he did set some clear guidelines to make it seem halal when it wasn't.

    She got her family involved and spoke to his family as well. She thought they'd get married once she finished school, which is why she fell knee deep into something like this. Why didn't she get her father involved? It could be a number of reasons:

    - Maybe he's not in the picture
    - Maybe she's waiting for the guy to make the first move. She does seem naive when it comes to gendered relationships so she may assume that she can't go to her dad without the brother being involved and officially proposing.
    - Maybe her mom and khala told her that they'll work on her dad before the brother approaches.

    Allahu 'Alam. It's all speculation until the sister decides to come back and explains. Is it a sin that she got wrapped up in her feelings? Yes and no. Yes, because it happened in a haram way. Both parties believed that it was okay because they were getting married though, so they thought they were technically engaged and it was fine to talk. No, because you can't control your heart.


    According to the OP, the brother only found out about the marriage to the sister back home recently. He didn't know about it before and is being forced since his father will disown him if he doesn't go through with it. His mother suggested that he marry both girls as a means to appease the son, since he didn't want to go through with it.

    Whether this is true or not is irrelevant. The sister mention this to show that it could be an option and that he's pushing it, which is why we can say she can technically be the second wife and everything will be hunky dory. All the brother has to do is go to the OP's father and get it done. But she also mentioned it because she doesn't want to go through with it.

    While this may work out, life is usually messier and the OP knows that which is why she probably came here to get an outsider's perspective. She mentioned classic rock, video games and Pokemon to show that she is still naive about the world and doesn't think she's mature enough to handle this sort of situation. She also said that she never saw herself as getting married and was content with the way her life was, but he shattered that.

    She wants to leave. At least that's what her posts are telling me, but her heart is tied to him. She even said that she tried to maintain minimal contact but he's guilt tripping her and she's shook. That's why being harsh in this instance doesn't work. She knows it's a sin, but she needs kindness towards her heart so she can leave the situation while still being firm at the same time. She spent two years thinking that this was the guy that she'd marry and she fell in love. Because he didn't go to her father yet, she used the word boyfriend/girlfriend when in her heart she believed that they were engaged.

    *shrugs* I could be wrong, but that's how I'm reading the situation. The classic rock is irrelevant at this time, because what she needs is a reminder that if you leave something for Allah's Sake then He'll replace it with something better. Once she leaves the relationship, she'll have free time to play Pokemon (since there's a new game out) and come on here. Later on, she could get tips on how to stop listening to music and get closer to Allah.
    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    But what do I know. I'm just a western minded liberal leaning feminist nobody.

    Leave a comment:


  • Abu julaybeeb
    replied
    where is that emoji from
    it looks like some slick guy from an anime

    Leave a comment:


  • Pippin1376
    replied
    Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post

    nerd
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    Leave a comment:


  • Abu julaybeeb
    replied
    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post

    Pokemon Let's Go Eevee and Pokemon Let's Go Pikachu. It's Pokemon Go mixed with the original handheld Pokemon games, but it's a lot easier. It's meant to help introduce people to the older series, while also trying to see how the game does on the Switch instead of its traditional platform.

    I haven't played it though because games are expensive here and Smash Bros came out so....I don't plan on playing it, but maybe later on in life when it's free and I can get it from the library lol.
    nerd

    Leave a comment:


  • Pippin1376
    replied
    Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post

    how do u know theres a new one out

    u play it aswell?
    Pokemon Let's Go Eevee and Pokemon Let's Go Pikachu. It's Pokemon Go mixed with the original handheld Pokemon games, but it's a lot easier. It's meant to help introduce people to the older series, while also trying to see how the game does on the Switch instead of its traditional platform.

    I haven't played it though because games are expensive here and Smash Bros came out so....I don't plan on playing it, but maybe later on in life when it's free and I can get it from the library lol.

    Leave a comment:


  • Abu julaybeeb
    replied
    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post

    .

    *shrugs* I could be wrong, but that's how I'm reading the situation. The classic rock is irrelevant at this time, because what she needs is a reminder that if you leave something for Allah's Sake then He'll replace it with something better. Once she leaves the relationship, she'll have free time to play Pokemon (since there's a new game out) and come on here. Later on, she could get tips on how to stop listening to music and get closer to Allah.

    But what do I know. I'm just a western minded liberal leaning feminist nobody.
    how do u know theres a new one out

    u play it aswell?

    Leave a comment:


  • Pippin1376
    replied
    Originally posted by zi-zizou View Post
    It must be a woman thing, is it?
    Ah, it must be my western infused liberal feminism getting to me. It makes women horrible and think to much. I've mentioned before that I have no issue with anyone on the forum. Truly. I don't and take every post as is. However, when someone says my line of thinking is due to western feminism and that I'm too liberal or whatever and then makes a side comment about it must being a woman thing....then akhi, what am I to think? You already assumed something when you first asked me a question way back way in this thread. And you yourself said why you asked....*shrugs*

    I did mention the second wife, but it was in a way to make her see that it wasn't a viable option. Another user mentioned that she should suggest getting married to the brother first before he gets married, and yet there's only one post you took issue with. It's okay akhi, I get it.

    I'm going to explain how I see the situation:

    The sister listens to classic rock and plays video games, she doesn't get involved with guys and initially shot down the brother in the beginning. The fact that she listens to music and sees this as a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship should immediately show you that she's not that religious and that her family may not be either. She could be a typical Muslim who prays, but doesn't know much about the deen. This is common place in universities and the like. The video games are fine though, because there's nothing wrong with them.

    The sister may not know much about Islam, but she does know that there shouldn't be anything physical between the sexes. However, she doesn't realize that she shouldn't talk to them. But remember what she said in her first post, the brother told her that in order for them to talk comfortably she has to agree to marry him. So, she was under the impression that everything she was doing was Islamic. Whether he used this to get her closer to the deen or not, Allahu 'Alam, but he did set some clear guidelines to make it seem halal when it wasn't.

    She got her family involved and spoke to his family as well. She thought they'd get married once she finished school, which is why she fell knee deep into something like this. Why didn't she get her father involved? It could be a number of reasons:

    - Maybe he's not in the picture
    - Maybe she's waiting for the guy to make the first move. She does seem naive when it comes to gendered relationships so she may assume that she can't go to her dad without the brother being involved and officially proposing.
    - Maybe her mom and khala told her that they'll work on her dad before the brother approaches.

    Allahu 'Alam. It's all speculation until the sister decides to come back and explains. Is it a sin that she got wrapped up in her feelings? Yes and no. Yes, because it happened in a haram way. Both parties believed that it was okay because they were getting married though, so they thought they were technically engaged and it was fine to talk. No, because you can't control your heart.


    According to the OP, the brother only found out about the marriage to the sister back home recently. He didn't know about it before and is being forced since his father will disown him if he doesn't go through with it. His mother suggested that he marry both girls as a means to appease the son, since he didn't want to go through with it.

    Whether this is true or not is irrelevant. The sister mention this to show that it could be an option and that he's pushing it, which is why we can say she can technically be the second wife and everything will be hunky dory. All the brother has to do is go to the OP's father and get it done. But she also mentioned it because she doesn't want to go through with it.

    While this may work out, life is usually messier and the OP knows that which is why she probably came here to get an outsider's perspective. She mentioned classic rock, video games and Pokemon to show that she is still naive about the world and doesn't think she's mature enough to handle this sort of situation. She also said that she never saw herself as getting married and was content with the way her life was, but he shattered that.

    She wants to leave. At least that's what her posts are telling me, but her heart is tied to him. She even said that she tried to maintain minimal contact but he's guilt tripping her and she's shook. That's why being harsh in this instance doesn't work. She knows it's a sin, but she needs kindness towards her heart so she can leave the situation while still being firm at the same time. She spent two years thinking that this was the guy that she'd marry and she fell in love. Because he didn't go to her father yet, she used the word boyfriend/girlfriend when in her heart she believed that they were engaged.

    *shrugs* I could be wrong, but that's how I'm reading the situation. The classic rock is irrelevant at this time, because what she needs is a reminder that if you leave something for Allah's Sake then He'll replace it with something better. Once she leaves the relationship, she'll have free time to play Pokemon (since there's a new game out) and come on here. Later on, she could get tips on how to stop listening to music and get closer to Allah.

    But what do I know. I'm just a western minded liberal leaning feminist nobody.

    Leave a comment:


  • zi-zizou
    replied
    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    Ah. So it all makes sense now.
    Oh this is exciting, you are having a light-bulb moment!!!

    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    You do know that I wasn't the one who mentioned being a second wife first.
    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    Another user did and mentioned that the OP should tell the brother that they need to get married first, before he gets married to his cousin.
    You were the first user to run with the idea and put it forward as one of your three solutions as you see it.

    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    I mentioned it in passing as one of the solutions she could do as well, but the main thing was that she should cut ties.
    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    The OP new that too, because why else would she come to a Muslim forum with this type of question? It wasn't to get people on her side and tell her that she was in the right, it was to get encouragement to leave the brother while also tending to her broken heart as well. She is an adult and she knows that she was in a messed up situation, but it's common sense to understand that the heart is weak in times like this so you have to handle the situation differently or she'll go on the defensive and stop posting.
    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    In any case, I was curious as to why you took issue with my posts specifically and now it makes sense. Am I wrong in suspecting that you had some ill thoughts about me due to my 'liberal, western infused feminist leanings?'

    Leave a comment:


  • Pippin1376
    replied
    Ah. So it all makes sense now.

    You do know that I wasn't the one who mentioned being a second wife first. Another user did and mentioned that the OP should tell the brother that they need to get married first, before he gets married to his cousin. I mentioned it in passing as one of the solutions she could do as well, but the main thing was that she should cut ties. The OP new that too, because why else would she come to a Muslim forum with this type of question? It wasn't to get people on her side and tell her that she was in the right, it was to get encouragement to leave the brother while also tending to her broken heart as well. She is an adult and she knows that she was in a messed up situation, but it's common sense to understand that the heart is weak in times like this so you have to handle the situation differently or she'll go on the defensive and stop posting.

    In any case, I was curious as to why you took issue with my posts specifically and now it makes sense. Am I wrong in suspecting that you had some ill thoughts about me due to my 'liberal, western infused feminist leanings?'

    Leave a comment:


  • zi-zizou
    replied

    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    I said above that morally it's not acceptable for men to speak to more than one woman and I wouldn't advise that. I simply mentioned it because a few users were calling her the other woman and saying that she's facilitating cheating. I'm not for this, but I also don't think the level of vitriol against the sister is correct.
    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    It's one thing to be firm and provide tough love and it's another to just attack and put the sister on the defensive.
    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    The OP just found out that her unofficial fiance (since he proposed, but didn't go to her father yet)
    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    She's been speaking to him for two years and members of both families already knew about the situation.
    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    Her side assumed that once the two were graduated then they'd get married.
    Yes, keep up with the haram for 3-4 years and then that would give you a solid basis for a successful marriage!

    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    There were expectations and feelings already in place and the sister doesn't know what to do. From her posts, it seems like she wants to leave and probably came here for a push to finally end things, but feelings are irrational and sometimes it's harder to put your words into action due to them.
    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    The brother is desperate, because he probably has feelings for the sister and wants to keep her, which is why he's using emotional blackmail to keep her with him and get her to be his second wife. He's putting pressure, because he wants his cake and eat it too. But it could also be because he doesn't want to be forced into a marriage that he wants no part of. So he's pushing the OP into just letting things go.
    And?

    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    The correct way to advise her is to remind her of Islam and the deen, of course, but to encourage her to leave him in a kind and respectful way.
    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    That hasn't really happened and it's horrible to see. The sister above knows it's a messy situation and she might not have people in RL who can help her out, or she feels embarrassed by what has happened, so she came here only to get attacked and be called the other woman and cruel.
    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    Is this what it means to be there for your brothers and sisters in Islam?
    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    Ajeeb...I mentioned technically to show that she's not the other woman. To make such a claim is almost akin to calling out her chastity. The sister just found out that the brother who proposed to her is involved with someone else and just needed encouragement to end the relationship. Instead, due to poor choice of words, she's been attacked more than she's been advised. That's a problem.
    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    As for your previous question, the answer is obvious. I honestly don't understand why you asked me that in the first place (as opposed to anyone else on this thread), unless you already assumed what I thought and asked as a gotcha sort of thing. If that's the case, then my answer is irrelevant since you already have an answer that you're going to accept.
    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    Brothers and sisters, I'm not saying you need to disregard the deen when advising but please do it in a good way. I've seen users who come here and get attacked, only to then attack Islam after. Something that could be solved in a simple way was made worse due to our bad behaviour. I don't want that to happen here.

    Leave a comment:


  • Saif-Uddin
    replied
    Originally posted by Magic. View Post



    I find this strange because you need to when you have to wash yourself.
    You misunderstood. Its not talking about not Washing private parts.

    Leave a comment:


  • abdulsidd
    replied
    Found this:

    https://www.ummah.com/forum/forum/is...ess#post337792

    Leave a comment:


  • abdulsidd
    replied
    Originally posted by Musbah View Post
    humbleness?
    That's also part of it.

    Its related to and similar to taqwa, but extending to permissible matters as well.

    Basically, when you're with friends lounging around and talking all ghetto and so on and then your grandfather walks in and you clean up your act, sit up straight, and speak in a more dignified and respectful manner even among your friends. Its a mix of several different things. Respect, shame, dignity, modesty, humbleness, humility, etc.

    Leave a comment:


  • abdulsidd
    replied
    Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post
    modesty
    That's part of it.

    Leave a comment:


  • Musbah
    replied
    Originally posted by Magic. View Post



    I find this strange because you need to when you have to wash yourself.
    It means he didn't touch it to masterbate. And I believe it should of said, "even before" not even after Islam.
    Last edited by Musbah; 14-12-18, 06:17 PM.

    Leave a comment:

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