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Boyfriend forced to marry his cousin, but he also wants to marry me!!?? 😩

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  • Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    Ah, it must be my western infused liberal feminism getting to me. It makes women horrible and think to much.
    Depends on what they think and what they come out with. A woman does not need to describe herself as a feminist in order to think.


    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    I've mentioned before that I have no issue with anyone on the forum. Truly. I don't and take every post as is. However, when someone says my line of thinking is due to western feminism and that I'm too liberal or whatever and then makes a side comment about it must being a woman thing....then akhi, what am I to think? You already assumed something when you first asked me a question way back way in this thread. And you yourself said why you asked....*shrugs*
    What we read and experience seeps into our thinking and behaviour, that happens to all of us. You won’t be immune to this. Are you really saying it plays no part in the way you think?

    Someone mentioned you gave good advice and you commented on this (in jest, I know). I disagreed with this, that’s why I responded and I’ve gone on to explain why I disagreed. I have given lengthy responses which is very, very rare for me.

    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    I did mention the second wife, but it was in a way to make her see that it wasn't a viable option. Another user mentioned that she should suggest getting married to the brother first before he gets married, and yet there's only one post you took issue with. It's okay akhi, I get it.
    Your post #10 was where you mentioned second wife. Point out the post where another user mentioned it before you? I don’t know why this is a sticking point for you. You say it was to show that it was not a viable solution but it came across as ambiguous. It would have been easier to say “I don’t think this is a great option because…”.

    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    I'm going to explain how I see the situation:

    The sister listens to classic rock and plays video games, she doesn't get involved with guys and initially shot down the brother in the beginning. The fact that she listens to music and sees this as a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship should immediately show you that she's not that religious and that her family may not be either. She could be a typical Muslim who prays, but doesn't know much about the deen. This is common place in universities and the like. The video games are fine though, because there's nothing wrong with them.

    The sister may not know much about Islam, but she does know that there shouldn't be anything physical between the sexes. However, she doesn't realize that she shouldn't talk to them. But remember what she said in her first post, the brother told her that in order for them to talk comfortably she has to agree to marry him. So, she was under the impression that everything she was doing was Islamic. Whether he used this to get her closer to the deen or not, Allahu 'Alam, but he did set some clear guidelines to make it seem halal when it wasn't.

    She got her family involved and spoke to his family as well. She thought they'd get married once she finished school, which is why she fell knee deep into something like this. Why didn't she get her father involved? It could be a number of reasons:

    - Maybe he's not in the picture
    - Maybe she's waiting for the guy to make the first move. She does seem naive when it comes to gendered relationships so she may assume that she can't go to her dad without the brother being involved and officially proposing.
    - Maybe her mom and khala told her that they'll work on her dad before the brother approaches.

    Allahu 'Alam. It's all speculation until the sister decides to come back and explains. Is it a sin that she got wrapped up in her feelings? Yes and no. Yes, because it happened in a haram way. Both parties believed that it was okay because they were getting married though, so they thought they were technically engaged and it was fine to talk. No, because you can't control your heart.


    According to the OP, the brother only found out about the marriage to the sister back home recently. He didn't know about it before and is being forced since his father will disown him if he doesn't go through with it. His mother suggested that he marry both girls as a means to appease the son, since he didn't want to go through with it.

    Whether this is true or not is irrelevant. The sister mention this to show that it could be an option and that he's pushing it, which is why we can say she can technically be the second wife and everything will be hunky dory. All the brother has to do is go to the OP's father and get it done. But she also mentioned it because she doesn't want to go through with it.

    While this may work out, life is usually messier and the OP knows that which is why she probably came here to get an outsider's perspective. She mentioned classic rock, video games and Pokemon to show that she is still naive about the world and doesn't think she's mature enough to handle this sort of situation. She also said that she never saw herself as getting married and was content with the way her life was, but he shattered that.

    She wants to leave. At least that's what her posts are telling me, but her heart is tied to him. She even said that she tried to maintain minimal contact but he's guilt tripping her and she's shook. That's why being harsh in this instance doesn't work. She knows it's a sin, but she needs kindness towards her heart so she can leave the situation while still being firm at the same time. She spent two years thinking that this was the guy that she'd marry and she fell in love. Because he didn't go to her father yet, she used the word boyfriend/girlfriend when in her heart she believed that they were engaged.

    *shrugs* I could be wrong, but that's how I'm reading the situation. The classic rock is irrelevant at this time, because what she needs is a reminder that if you leave something for Allah's Sake then He'll replace it with something better. Once she leaves the relationship, she'll have free time to play Pokemon (since there's a new game out) and come on here. Later on, she could get tips on how to stop listening to music and get closer to Allah.
    In sum, she is your typical western influenced, surface deep religious, naive girl who is not interested at all until some guy shows the slighted bit of interest then all of a sudden, love hearts are flying around the room. I do get it!!!

    You mention again family were involved. What you don’t mention it that it is only the women that were involved. The reason for this is simple. If the men were involved, this nonsense would have been seen for what it is and would have been crushed. Do you not see this?

    Even if the father is not around, you will still need to have a wali. Are you really telling me these families are so ill-informed that they would not know this? What I think is closer to the truth, is what you mentioned “Maybe her mom and khala told her that they'll work on her dad before the brother approaches”. This is something that is very common indeed. Women colluding even when so much wrong is slap bang in their faces and deliberately keeping the men in the dark. That’s women not thinking. I really wish they would think more, I’m all for it!

    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    But what do I know. I'm just a western minded liberal leaning feminist nobody.
    I would not describe you as a nobody. That would be wholly inaccurate.

    The advice of working on deen and ending the relationship is all that needed to be said, all the wishy washy speculation and “there there cuddle up, let’s talk about this”, is just not needed. This is how I see it but clearly not how you see it. *shrugs*

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