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Boyfriend forced to marry his cousin, but he also wants to marry me!!?? 😩

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  • #46
    Originally posted by Cherry_9878 View Post


    I don't know what to say..! I fell in love with him when he wasn't engaged to her.. Now that I know, I have been keeping minimal contact with him. I know it is a sin! But.. He keeps saying it is not, and he is doing everything for me and his family. I have to trust him, because he is being honest with me. And he tells me not to ruin our mood with so much negativity. Instead we should divert our energy to positivity. And for all my worries he just answers: everything is in Allah's hand. I know that!

    Everyone saying that I should just cut him off from my life. Well, I can't do that so suddenly. I need time to think things through.. And evaluate everything. I just need some time...
    You're technically having an affair with another woman's husband and you feel like the victim, that's wrong.

    It sounds like he is using you. I agree with most of the replies on here.

    Pippin is saying we should be careful on how we advice you because it could push people away from religion. Go and ask any other religions and they will tell you that you are the mistress here.

    They won't praise you because everyone knows adultery is wrong in all its form.

    It's not accepted in any society that's why people of all Faith's and backgrounds still do it in secret because they know it is filth.

    So, you can't run away from society and morals that are part of any culture.

    He didn't have the guts to marry you back then so he won't know how to handle the situation now.

    No married woman on this forum or anywhere else will be happy with a girl having a fling with her husband.

    You wouldn't like it either. It doesn't matter if you liked him before because it is your and your bfs fault for not taking it seriously and telling your families.

    Everyone faces trials in their life and this is probably your first one. You can take advantage of it and get your dignity back by learning about religion and tell that person to fear Allah.

    If he wants to marry you he has to do the work. He should tell everyone he messed up. Because the reality is that eveyone will hate you and blame you if you were to marry him. You're the girlfriend that had to break a family, that's how they will see it.


    ​​​​​​I feel sorry for the cousin sister because she doesn't know anything about this, just because she's abroad doesn't mean she hasn't got hopes for a faithful husband.

    You and your boyfriend are very cruel. You're either naive or completely deluded when you believe everything he says.

    I hope you do the right thing and think about the other sister because we are all taught a lesson some way or another.

    Bottom line, remember you're cheating on somebody if you continue to stay in touch with him.

    ​​​​​​All the best
    Last edited by Ya'sin; 10-12-18, 11:40 AM.
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

    Comment


    • #47
      Originally posted by Allah's_Servant View Post

      This so much. Let’s stop acting like we’re gonna marry Ahmed from university and start getting ready to marry Abdullah who’s your cousin.

      Ive seen so many sisters say “I love my boyfriend!” And than next year she’s marrying her cousin. We can stop this whole bf and gf stuff if we can get this reality in our heads
      Are we all doomed to marry our cousins

      Comment


      • #48
        They are all victims. The OP, because she was promised marriage and then found out that he was engaged. it's a big shock to her and we need to remember that.

        The cousin, because she was promised marriage and doesn't know what her fiance is doing or feeling. She might be forced as well, Allahu 'Alam. Her situation is sad too.

        The brother is too, because he's being forced into marrying his cousin when he doesn't want to and wants to marry someone he actually likes. His parents are really the ones at fault, but they are victims of their culture and the idea of family honour.

        Does it excuse the sins being committes? No. But all of you need to be careful with your words, because these deal with people's feelings which are not always rational. If you just come on here saying that the OP is the other woman or blame her for everything, then don't post. You're not mature enough for this topic.

        If we want to be technical, if the brother went to the OPs father and everyone agreed with the situation, then there's no harm. A brother can speak to different women when it comes to marriage. A woman can't. So there's no other woman. Morally, it looks bad and I'm not for this situation, but let's not blame the OP too much when she's here for advice.
        ​​​​
        مَّن ذَا الَّذِي يُقْرِضُ اللّهَ قَرْضًا حَسَنًا فَيُضَاعِفَهُ لَهُ أَضْعَافًا كَثِيرَةً وَاللّهُ يَقْبِضُ وَيَبْسُطُ وَإِلَيْهِ تُرْجَعُونَ

        "Who is he that will loan to Allah a beautiful loan, which Allah will double unto his credit and multiply many times?
        It is Allah that giveth (you) Want or plenty, and to Him shall be your return."
        Surah al-Baqarah
        [2:245]

        .:.
        .:. Perfer et Obdura : Dolor Hic Tibi Proderit Olim .:.
        Be patient and strong : someday this pain will be useful to you

        .:.
        ...said the spider to the fly...

        Comment


        • #49
          Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
          They are all victims. The OP, because she was promised marriage and then found out that he was engaged. it's a big shock to her and we need to remember that.

          The cousin, because she was promised marriage and doesn't know what her fiance is doing or feeling. She might be forced as well, Allahu 'Alam. Her situation is sad too.

          The brother is too, because he's being forced into marrying his cousin when he doesn't want to and wants to marry someone he actually likes. His parents are really the ones at fault, but they are victims of their culture and the idea of family honour.

          Does it excuse the sins being committes? No. But all of you need to be careful with your words, because these deal with people's feelings which are not always rational. If you just come on here saying that the OP is the other woman or blame her for everything, then don't post. You're not mature enough for this topic.

          If we want to be technical, if the brother went to the OPs father and everyone agreed with the situation, then there's no harm. A brother can speak to different women when it comes to marriage. A woman can't. So there's no other woman. Morally, it looks bad and I'm not for this situation, but let's not blame the OP too much when she's here for advice.
          ​&#
          8203;​​


          'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

          So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

          Comment


          • #50
            Originally posted by MyUsernameIs... View Post

            Are we all doomed to marry our cousins


            yes, no, maybe so
            We just don't know, the possibilities are endless


            'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

            So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

            Comment


            • #51
              Your boyfriend wasn't forced, he made a choice. A difficult choice but he made it, no one put a gun to his head from what I've read here, just some emotional bullying and if he can not stand up for it now, he'll likely struggle to stand up for it in the future.

              He's also getting the best of both worlds here... 'oh wow is me, I am being forced to marry two women, help I am oppressed!'
              Seriously?

              Now, you've been warned, this is not islamic behaviour to carry on like this, but you say you able to stop and have to trust him... even though he hid things from you.
              You have the choice once again here, it's a hard choice but you have a hard choice. This happens in life, you are left with only hard choice options

              Finally, so when there is a more correct, or less incorrect choice according to the teachings of Islam, don't be surprised if you come on an Islamic discussion board and people say yeah, do the better thing according to Islam, like not keep up this relationship with another woman's man and this bf / gf haram thing you've got going off.

              You can say you're not touching, but zina is of the eye and tongue, not just the hand and private parts.
              So keep away from it.
              FOLLOW THE NEW BLOG - GINGERBEARDMAN - Muslim, father, husband, writer, defender of ginger rights!

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              Comment


              • #52
                Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
                They are all victims. The OP, because she was promised marriage and then found out that he was engaged. it's a big shock to her and we need to remember that.

                The cousin, because she was promised marriage and doesn't know what her fiance is doing or feeling. She might be forced as well, Allahu 'Alam. Her situation is sad too.

                The brother is too, because he's being forced into marrying his cousin when he doesn't want to and wants to marry someone he actually likes. His parents are really the ones at fault, but they are victims of their culture and the idea of family honour.

                Does it excuse the sins being committes? No. But all of you need to be careful with your words, because these deal with people's feelings which are not always rational. If you just come on here saying that the OP is the other woman or blame her for everything, then don't post. You're not mature enough for this topic.

                If we want to be technical, if the brother went to the OPs father and everyone agreed with the situation, then there's no harm. A brother can speak to different women when it comes to marriage. A woman can't. So there's no other woman. Morally, it looks bad and I'm not for this situation, but let's not blame the OP too much when she's here for advice.
                ​​​​
                If we want to be "technical" here, he has not gone to the father so your last paragraph can be binned as it just does not apply in this situation.

                Why are you avoiding the question I posted to you directly?

                Comment


                • #53
                  Also, men talking to several women at once has to be taken with caution.

                  Yes, they can do so but with the correct approach. You can't be having flings with several girls just because you are allowed to talk to more than one to find a spouse. Her mahram has to be there and you can't make promises and lead people on.

                  I think if we give this less importance people will take advantage of being allowed to talk to more than one woman. Usually, this are not just formal talks, it can get intimate.

                  ​​​​​
                  'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                  So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                  Comment


                  • #54
                    Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
                    Also, men talking to several women at once has to be taken with caution.

                    Yes, they can do so but with the correct approach. You can't be having flings with several girls just because you are allowed to talk to more than one to find a spouse. Her mahram has to be there and you can't make promises and lead people on.

                    I think if we give this less importance people will take advantage of being allowed to talk to more than one woman. Usually, this are not just formal talks, it can get intimate.

                    ​​​​​
                    I said above that morally it's not acceptable for men to speak to more than one woman and I wouldn't advise that. I simply mentioned it because a few users were calling her the other woman and saying that she's facilitating cheating. I'm not for this, but I also don't think the level of vitriol against the sister is correct.

                    It's one thing to be firm and provide tough love and it's another to just attack and put the sister on the defensive.

                    The OP just found out that her unofficial fiance (since he proposed, but didn't go to her father yet) is engaged with someone else. She's been speaking to him for two years and members of both families already knew about the situation. Her side assumed that once the two were graduated then they'd get married. There were expectations and feelings already in place and the sister doesn't know what to do. From her posts, it seems like she wants to leave and probably came here for a push to finally end things, but feelings are irrational and sometimes it's harder to put your words into action due to them.

                    The brother is desperate, because he probably has feelings for the sister and wants to keep her, which is why he's using emotional blackmail to keep her with him and get her to be his second wife. He's putting pressure, because he wants his cake and eat it too. But it could also be because he doesn't want to be forced into a marriage that he wants no part of. So he's pushing the OP into just letting things go.

                    The correct way to advise her is to remind her of Islam and the deen, of course, but to encourage her to leave him in a kind and respectful way. That hasn't really happened and it's horrible to see. The sister above knows it's a messy situation and she might not have people in RL who can help her out, or she feels embarrassed by what has happened, so she came here only to get attacked and be called the other woman and cruel.

                    Is this what it means to be there for your brothers and sisters in Islam?

                    I'm not saying what happened here is correct, but the sister came here for advice and we should do it with hikmah so her relationship with Allah gets stronger and she can leave something she loves for His Sake. Maybe your words could help another brother or sister who are also in this situation. But if you can't, then at least make du'a for everyone involved because it is a messy situation.

                    Originally posted by zi-zizou View Post

                    If we want to be "technical" here, he has not gone to the father so your last paragraph can be binned as it just does not apply in this situation.

                    Why are you avoiding the question I posted to you directly?
                    Ajeeb...I mentioned technically to show that she's not the other woman. To make such a claim is almost akin to calling out her chastity. The sister just found out that the brother who proposed to her is involved with someone else and just needed encouragement to end the relationship. Instead, due to poor choice of words, she's been attacked more than she's been advised. That's a problem.

                    As for your previous question, the answer is obvious. I honestly don't understand why you asked me that in the first place (as opposed to anyone else on this thread), unless you already assumed what I thought and asked as a gotcha sort of thing. If that's the case, then my answer is irrelevant since you already have an answer that you're going to accept.





                    Brothers and sisters, I'm not saying you need to disregard the deen when advising but please do it in a good way. I've seen users who come here and get attacked, only to then attack Islam after. Something that could be solved in a simple way was made worse due to our bad behaviour. I don't want that to happen here.
                    مَّن ذَا الَّذِي يُقْرِضُ اللّهَ قَرْضًا حَسَنًا فَيُضَاعِفَهُ لَهُ أَضْعَافًا كَثِيرَةً وَاللّهُ يَقْبِضُ وَيَبْسُطُ وَإِلَيْهِ تُرْجَعُونَ

                    "Who is he that will loan to Allah a beautiful loan, which Allah will double unto his credit and multiply many times?
                    It is Allah that giveth (you) Want or plenty, and to Him shall be your return."
                    Surah al-Baqarah
                    [2:245]

                    .:.
                    .:. Perfer et Obdura : Dolor Hic Tibi Proderit Olim .:.
                    Be patient and strong : someday this pain will be useful to you

                    .:.
                    ...said the spider to the fly...

                    Comment


                    • #55
                      Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
                      Also, men talking to several women at once has to be taken with caution.

                      Yes, they can do so but with the correct approach. You can't be having flings with several girls just because you are allowed to talk to more than one to find a spouse. Her mahram has to be there and you can't make promises and lead people on.

                      I think if we give this less importance people will take advantage of being allowed to talk to more than one woman. Usually, this are not just formal talks, it can get intimate.

                      ​​​​​
                      bare sisters talk to multiple potentials at the same time online and in real life
                      i have witnessed this

                      Comment


                      • #56
                        @pippin

                        That was a general post regarding that issue because this happens with other sisters.

                        If it was directed to you I would have quoted you.

                        I really don't appreciate how you are making us all look like wolves waiting to eat flesh. Everyone has a different approach to advising others. With all due respect sister, you are acting like the saint throwing light on us devils.

                        I kept patient with your response that was mostly directed at me especially when you were lecturing us all about how we should respond and then telling me what could be technical here without quoting me.

                        Do you ever think about how you insult the old members on UF? Or do you always feel the need to appease new members at the cost of upsetting the old?

                        I thought I'll just reply with humour and let it go. Everyone has their stance on this and I took the good from your post. However, you decided to go on the same lecture you have been giving us the last four pages.

                        You do this every time but i overlook it each time, it's not the first, saying sorry on behalf of everyone's 'harshness' and how the members are on here.

                        I had to call you out this time because you really did not have to go on this time. We heard you the first time sis.

                        May Allah ta ala reward you. Ameen







                        'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                        So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                        Comment


                        • #57
                          Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post

                          bare sisters talk to multiple potentials at the same time online and in real life
                          i have witnessed this
                          Yes it does
                          'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                          So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                          Comment


                          • #58
                            Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
                            @pippin

                            That was a general post regarding that issue because this happens with other sisters.

                            If it was directed to you I would have quoted you.

                            I really don't appreciate how you are making us all look like wolves waiting to eat flesh. Everyone has a different approach to advising others. With all due respect sister, you are acting like the saint throwing light on us devils.

                            I kept patient with your response that was mostly directed at me especially when you were lecturing us all about how we should respond and then telling me what could be technical here without quoting me.

                            Do you ever think about how you insult the old members on UF? Or do you always feel the need to appease new members at the cost of upsetting the old?

                            I thought I'll just reply with humour and let it go. Everyone has their stance on this and I took the good from your post. However, you decided to go on the same lecture you have been giving us the last four pages.

                            You do this every time but i overlook it each time, it's not the first, saying sorry on behalf of everyone's 'harshness' and how the members are on here.

                            I had to call you out this time because you really did not have to go on this time. We heard you the first time sis.

                            May Allah ta ala reward you. Ameen
                            I've always been like this, even when I was a newer member. It's not about appeasement or insulting and if members feel that way, then I apologize if my words sound condescending or harsh. Perhaps my words come out meaner than intended, but that's not really something I can control. Same with people assuming I come off as a man online. I still stand by what I said though and I didn't say it just to be rude, but to remind everyone to be careful. I don't want the words we write here to be used against us or for someone to hold a grudge due to what another member said here. Due to my many years as a mod, I've seen how a simple sentence can result in a huge grudge so I want to limit that as much as possible. If it's taken as a lecture....well, there's nothing I can do about that. It's something that my parents did to me and they're parents did to them. Make du'a for my future kids since they'll be witnessing this as well.

                            As for my post, the first part was for you since you were referring to my post. I just wanted to clarify my stance in case someone assumed I was condoning this behaviour. After that was general until I quoted Zi.

                            I know you already have issues with my posts, so I'll apologize once again.
                            مَّن ذَا الَّذِي يُقْرِضُ اللّهَ قَرْضًا حَسَنًا فَيُضَاعِفَهُ لَهُ أَضْعَافًا كَثِيرَةً وَاللّهُ يَقْبِضُ وَيَبْسُطُ وَإِلَيْهِ تُرْجَعُونَ

                            "Who is he that will loan to Allah a beautiful loan, which Allah will double unto his credit and multiply many times?
                            It is Allah that giveth (you) Want or plenty, and to Him shall be your return."
                            Surah al-Baqarah
                            [2:245]

                            .:.
                            .:. Perfer et Obdura : Dolor Hic Tibi Proderit Olim .:.
                            Be patient and strong : someday this pain will be useful to you

                            .:.
                            ...said the spider to the fly...

                            Comment


                            • #59
                              Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
                              They are all victims. The OP, because she was promised marriage and then found out that he was engaged. it's a big shock to her and we need to remember that.

                              The cousin, because she was promised marriage and doesn't know what her fiance is doing or feeling. She might be forced as well, Allahu 'Alam. Her situation is sad too.

                              The brother is too, because he's being forced into marrying his cousin when he doesn't want to and wants to marry someone he actually likes. His parents are really the ones at fault, but they are victims of their culture and the idea of family honour.

                              Does it excuse the sins being committes? No. But all of you need to be careful with your words, because these deal with people's feelings which are not always rational. If you just come on here saying that the OP is the other woman or blame her for everything, then don't post. You're not mature enough for this topic.

                              If we want to be technical, if the brother went to the OPs father and everyone agreed with the situation, then there's no harm. A brother can speak to different women when it comes to marriage. A woman can't. So there's no other woman. Morally, it looks bad and I'm not for this situation, but let's not blame the OP too much when she's here for advice.
                              ​​​​
                              They are not all victims, only victim is his cousin, she doesn't knows anything about this haram affairs. Why its big shock to cherry? when she wasn't married to him. He only said he will marry her, which was lie as we know now. How do you know cherry`s boyfriend was force to marry his cousin? he could be lying, I mean he didn't even told cherry before getting engaged, ok he was another country but he could have called her. His blaming his parents forced him so cherry wouldn't hate him, excuses, excuses etc.

                              Comment


                              • #60
                                No one ever marries the side chick...many guys I went to school with have a UK girlfriend and also a backhome wife who they've brought to the UK to keep their parents happy...Most of these guys don't even keep it a secret...

                                Boys want to obey their cultural parents but also get to enjoy their bit on the side...

                                This guy is a coward....go to the marriage section and click on the thread ' how to get over a broken heart'
                                Last edited by shay5; 11-12-18, 12:05 AM.
                                Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

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