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Boyfriend forced to marry his cousin, but he also wants to marry me!!?? 😩

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  • #31
    I hope this guy is not using you for visa purposes.

    Somewhere along the lines he is lying to you. Noone can force him to marry someone he does not want.

    If he really was forced then what if he goes back home and they FORCE him to stay there and he never returns.

    Are you looking for someone to validate your and his relationship? Sorry if you find that rude.

    Put yourself in the shoes of the cousin. He probably will grow to love her more than you especially if everything about their relationship is halal and it will have more blessings in it.

    You two have a haraam relationship whether you like being told that or not but that is the truth.

    It's not true love that both of you have as that comes after marriage when you live with the person and are committed to them in a HALAL way.

    Hope you are guided to what is best for your deen and akhirah.
    Last edited by Mintchocchip; 09-12-18, 03:06 PM.

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    • #32
      He's not only a player, but a creep as well who thinks very highly of himself. He thinks he's a white knight who will be saving two damsels in distress by marrying them, like a hero. But he's a spineless loser who does not even deserve one woman, let alone two.

      Selfless, my foot. He sounds like the most selfish, egoistic man who is not doing anything honorable, rather, he's playing around with two women. He's not getting any sawab, he's only incurring more sins upon himself. And he has the audacity to tell you that if you leave him and break your promise (which doesn't even mean anything in the first place) you'll be sinning.

      He thinks he'll be doing his poor, illiterate Afghan cousin a huge favour by marrying her. Yeah, really.. How? By visiting her for 2 months in a year and making her slave for her in-laws for the rest of the year while he keeps cheating on her back with another woman abroad. He thinks she will be so stupid that she will never get jealous and also give him the green signal to marry another woman. Educated or not, women are not dumb. Most women would rather have a poor yet full-time husband who truly cares for them rather than a cheater like him.

      A dishonourable man like himself wants to have educated children. How I would love to educate his miserable self. He seems like a morally bankrupt individual with no values or honour and a twisted interpretation of deen.

      How in the world did you manage to fall in love with such a low-class, wretched individual. I can't believe love can make anyone that blind. He has managed to completely manipulate you emotionally. I'm disgusted to the very core by his description. You should run a mile, no, a million million miles away from him. He'll never keep you happy. He'll only cause you heartache and distress in future, if you don't sort out your life now. Write these words in golden letters and thank me later.


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      • #33
        It seems clear that you are not happy with your boyfriends "solution" to the problem. I personally think he is living in cloud cuckoo land and you being a smart cookie already smell a rat in his tale of how the three of you will live happily ever after. No offence to your boyfriend, but from what you say, he is totally ignoring your feelings on the matter and resorting to emotionally blackmailing you and taking advantage of your ignorance. Personally I would chalk it up as a learning experience, realise the mistake i made and kick this chancing little rat to the kerb.I am also pretty sure if you do tell him to get lost, he will return like a bad smell when he is done enjoying his new wife in Afghanistan.

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        • #34
          Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post
          He's not only a player, but a creep as well who thinks very highly of himself. He thinks he's a white knight who will be saving two damsels in distress by marrying them, like a hero. But he's a spineless loser who does not even deserve one woman, let alone two.

          Selfless, my foot. He sounds like the most selfish, egoistic man who is not doing anything honorable, rather, he's playing around with two women. He's not getting any sawab, he's only incurring more sins upon himself. And he has the audacity to tell you that if you leave him and break your promise (which doesn't even mean anything in the first place) you'll be sinning.

          He thinks he'll be doing his poor, illiterate Afghan cousin a huge favour by marrying her. Yeah, really.. How? By visiting her for 2 months in a year and making her slave for her in-laws for the rest of the year while he keeps cheating on her back with another woman abroad. He thinks she will be so stupid that she will never get jealous and also give him the green signal to marry another woman. Educated or not, women are not dumb. Most women would rather have a poor yet full-time husband who truly cares for them rather than a cheater like him.

          A dishonourable man like himself wants to have educated children. How I would love to educate his miserable self. He seems like a morally bankrupt individual with no values or honour and a twisted interpretation of deen.

          How in the world did you manage to fall in love with such a low-class, wretched individual. I can't believe love can make anyone that blind. He has managed to completely manipulate you emotionally. I'm disgusted to the very core by his description. You should run a mile, no, a million million miles away from him. He'll never keep you happy. He'll only cause you heartache and distress in future, if you don't sort out your life now. Write these words in golden letters and thank me later.

          Oh you can play the "know it all" auntie in this bollywood movie.

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          • #35
            Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post
            Please be careful about your words. Religious people get into mistakes all the time and she's trying to find a solution to her problem by coming here, so she's doing a good thing. Her relationship was one with the intention of marriage, since he proposed in the beginning and they were just waiting till after they finish school to actually get married. Is it right that they continued their relationship? No, but the sad fact is that this is common place now. Alhamdulillah nothing physical happened, but if her family was aware of their talking then there's nothing haram that happened. They were engaged to the point where she wouldn't be allowed to speak to another man about marriage.

            She used the words boyfriend and girlfriend, which wasn't right, but let's try to help her solve her issue and go back to Allah instead of just attacking her. Allah created us to sin, so we could repent.


            Pippin is pretty awesome like that.
            If you were the Afghan cousin would you still dish out the same advice?

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            • #36
              Originally posted by zi-zizou View Post

              If you were the Afghan cousin would you still dish out the same advice?
              Hmmm, I wonder. What do you think I'd say to the brother's cousin?
              مَّن ذَا الَّذِي يُقْرِضُ اللّهَ قَرْضًا حَسَنًا فَيُضَاعِفَهُ لَهُ أَضْعَافًا كَثِيرَةً وَاللّهُ يَقْبِضُ وَيَبْسُطُ وَإِلَيْهِ تُرْجَعُونَ

              "Who is he that will loan to Allah a beautiful loan, which Allah will double unto his credit and multiply many times?
              It is Allah that giveth (you) Want or plenty, and to Him shall be your return."
              Surah al-Baqarah
              [2:245]

              .:.
              .:. Perfer et Obdura : Dolor Hic Tibi Proderit Olim .:.
              Be patient and strong : someday this pain will be useful to you

              .:.
              ...said the spider to the fly...

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              • #37
                Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post
                He's not only a player, but a creep as well who thinks very highly of himself. He thinks he's a white knight who will be saving two damsels in distress by marrying them, like a hero. But he's a spineless loser who does not even deserve one woman, let alone two.

                Selfless, my foot. He sounds like the most selfish, egoistic man who is not doing anything honorable, rather, he's playing around with two women. He's not getting any sawab, he's only incurring more sins upon himself. And he has the audacity to tell you that if you leave him and break your promise (which doesn't even mean anything in the first place) you'll be sinning.

                He thinks he'll be doing his poor, illiterate Afghan cousin a huge favour by marrying her. Yeah, really.. How? By visiting her for 2 months in a year and making her slave for her in-laws for the rest of the year while he keeps cheating on her back with another woman abroad. He thinks she will be so stupid that she will never get jealous and also give him the green signal to marry another woman. Educated or not, women are not dumb. Most women would rather have a poor yet full-time husband who truly cares for them rather than a cheater like him.

                A dishonourable man like himself wants to have educated children. How I would love to educate his miserable self. He seems like a morally bankrupt individual with no values or honour and a twisted interpretation of deen.

                How in the world did you manage to fall in love with such a low-class, wretched individual. I can't believe love can make anyone that blind. He has managed to completely manipulate you emotionally. I'm disgusted to the very core by his description. You should run a mile, no, a million million miles away from him. He'll never keep you happy. He'll only cause you heartache and distress in future, if you don't sort out your life now. Write these words in golden letters and thank me later.


                I don't know what to say..! I fell in love with him when he wasn't engaged to her.. Now that I know, I have been keeping minimal contact with him. I know it is a sin! But.. He keeps saying it is not, and he is doing everything for me and his family. I have to trust him, because he is being honest with me. And he tells me not to ruin our mood with so much negativity. Instead we should divert our energy to positivity. And for all my worries he just answers: everything is in Allah's hand. I know that!

                Everyone saying that I should just cut him off from my life. Well, I can't do that so suddenly. I need time to think things through.. And evaluate everything. I just need some time...

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                • #38
                  Originally posted by Cherry_9878 View Post


                  I don't know what to say..! I fell in love with him when he wasn't engaged to her.. Now that I know, I have been keeping minimal contact with him. I know it is a sin! But.. He keeps saying it is not, and he is doing everything for me and his family. I have to trust him, because he is being honest with me. And he tells me not to ruin our mood with so much negativity. Instead we should divert our energy to positivity. And for all my worries he just answers: everything is in Allah's hand. I know that!

                  Everyone saying that I should just cut him off from my life. Well, I can't do that so suddenly. I need time to think things through.. And evaluate everything. I just need some time...
                  WHERE IS YOUR WALI??????? why are you putting your trust in him? Put your trust in Allah swt. How is he putting you first when he hasn;t even contacted your father? You both are living in la la land!

                  You're in this mess because you took it upon yourself to get into a relationship with a non mahram without getting your wali involved!! He has no respect for you because he is not man enough to approach your father.
                  Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

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                  • #39
                    Originally posted by Cherry_9878 View Post


                    I don't know what to say..! I fell in love with him when he wasn't engaged to her.. Now that I know, I have been keeping minimal contact with him. I know it is a sin! But.. He keeps saying it is not, and he is doing everything for me and his family. I have to trust him, because he is being honest with me. And he tells me not to ruin our mood with so much negativity. Instead we should divert our energy to positivity. And for all my worries he just answers: everything is in Allah's hand. I know that!

                    Everyone saying that I should just cut him off from my life. Well, I can't do that so suddenly. I need time to think things through.. And evaluate everything. I just need some time...
                    He's a moron who will make the haram halal.
                    Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Originally posted by Cherry_9878 View Post
                      @Pippin1376​ Nusaiba

                      Thank you so much for your kindness and understanding me! The thing is, growing up I never wanted to marry and I always wanted to stay single. Because I am kind of a lone wolf, and most guys here are hypocrites with double life. They have different face in front of family, while outside with friends they party, drink, even sleep around. So I was never interested in relationships nor marriage.
                      Let me tell you, I was sexually abused by a cousin and uncle from Bangladesh growing up. I went back to Bangladesh to visit and saw that all the guys seemed soo hell bent on having a relationship in secret and yes being two faced. So even I felt for some time that I would never find my match.

                      But then you begin learning Islam and relying on Allah and understanding that if He loves you and you beg him to bring you the one who will be your partner in this life and the next, then Allah is shy to return His slave empty handed and insha'Allah you will find the one. Maybe this relationship, even if it wasn't permissible opened your eyes to the fact that you can love and marriage is something you can consider, so take that as the good, return back to Allah and trust Him. You won't regret it.

                      Islam recognizes love. There are books and books written about it. Some describe a state of love like madness, and it's true it's hard when someone seems to hit all the right marks to be patient but you need to.

                      said, after he finishes his study he will formally ask for my hand in marriage and that's when everyone will know. But for the time being our mothers and sisters knows about us.
                      His mother probably thinks it's a phase and let me be clear, in this whole scenario what are you getting out of it? Being left hanging for what, years till he graduates? Meanwhile he will probably be getting intimate with his legitimate wife and keeping you in the dark about her. Basically as twinkling star said, cheating on her. With you. You are not legitimate. She is. You would be a mistress. If not physically, then still emotionally. Is that fair to her?

                      And you see how strong his family is. There is no guarantee that he will find a job after getting married, that either of your fathers will agree. My father is a religious man yet it took me over a year to get him to accept a sylheti husband! So all you invest is your time, your emotions, and yes by being in this type of relationship, sin for empty promises. Is that worth it?

                      Then his engagement to his cousin happened... He says he doesn't want to marry his cousin and he has rejected other proposals before. And the main reason for his refusal is that, most Afghan girls are illiterate or uneducated and he thinks they can't make him happy so he doesn't like them. That's why he prefers to marry a foreign woman instead. I told him, this is a wrong and crazy thing to say. But he always stresses about how he wants to have well educated children.
                      Let's analyze a few things you've said.

                      1. He's rejected other proposals before but he's been betrothed for seven years. You all are either older than I think or facts don't add up and this is just emotional blackmail.

                      2. Allah knows how your children will end up. He's just flattering you while demeaning others. Some of my poorest relatives in Bangladesh have worked the hardest to educate their children while some of my educated family have ended up with children who may have knowledge but have no Islam. To look down on any woman to make you seem better is just a ploy to stay in a relationship with him.

                      His family is from Kandahar and that place is very conservative. He says everything means family business there, and the outcome of any situation will always be the same no matter how much you try to reason with them. And so is his engagement to cousin. And if he refuse then it will bring dishonour to his family, and possibly ruin his cousin's reputation. He didn't want to get engaged to her, but he had to for his family. He blames his society and says he will never live in Afghanistan. So he wants to be happy, and build a new life abroad with a woman of his own choice.
                      Who knows better? Allah or this boy? If you say Allah then I will remind you that He is the one who plans and not us. He may very well live in Afghanistan if Allah wills it. I know so many foreigners who came to the US, couldn't find a job after graduating and had to settle right back in their home countries. He's just telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

                      3. He thinks it's a noble thing to do, but lemme tell you. He knows jack about women and even less about marriage. So just like you planned something about one true love forever and ever, he planned out his own scenario of two happy Co wives in two countries (if the marriage even happens) and he gets the best of both worlds, someone to deal with the culture he doesn't want to, and someone to live with to feel like he's better than where he came from. I would bet you when he's married to the cousin, his mom will NOT see you in the same way. Your kids may never know or be acknowledged by their grandparents.

                      ​​​​​​And the NAIL ON THE COFFIN showing he's emotionally blackmailing you is by saying you would be sinning by breaking a promise. Hun he knows nothing near enough about Islam to say such a ridiculous thing! Wallahi I promise you, you would never be sinning by breaking up something which hasn't even been legitimized.

                      It's like if I promised you I was going to rob a bank and then I realize... Nah that's not right and then you say you're sinning by breaking a promise! No no no.

                      If you break a promise to do the right thing, Allah will always love that.

                      Friend, take a break from him like the others said. Let time heal you and turn to Allah. One day you'll come to look back on this and see you dodged a bullet here. Polygamy can be good and it can be beneficial but it has conditions. None of them have been met here.
                      ​​​​​​
                      You do not owe him anything right now. You will never be considered as abandoning him. Walk away. Now. You're better than this, and you deep down, know it.

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post

                        Hmmm, I wonder. What do you think I'd say to the brother's cousin?
                        I'm talking about the "other woman"...as in the OP. Would your advice to her be the same if you were the Afghan sister?

                        It should be a straight forward yes, otherwise those rose tinted specs of yours should be binned.

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                        • #42
                          Originally posted by Cherry_9878 View Post


                          I don't know what to say..! I fell in love with him when he wasn't engaged to her.. Now that I know, I have been keeping minimal contact with him. I know it is a sin! But.. He keeps saying it is not, and he is doing everything for me and his family. I have to trust him, because he is being honest with me. And he tells me not to ruin our mood with so much negativity. Instead we should divert our energy to positivity. And for all my worries he just answers: everything is in Allah's hand. I know that!

                          Everyone saying that I should just cut him off from my life. Well, I can't do that so suddenly. I need time to think things through.. And evaluate everything. I just need some time...
                          If a guy was doing everything for you then honestly he would man up and tell his father. As much as I'm sympathetic to people wanting to getting married and prepared to go through hardship, I'm sorry but he is doing next to nothing for you. Honestly sister, tell him to tell his father and if he doesn't then you should cut him off. He is playing with both your life and that girl's life back in Afghanistan.

                          When families marry their daughter to a guy from abroad, they expect him to take their daughter back to Canada or whereever he lives. I find it hard to believe that his potential afghani wife or her family will be happy with her being left alone for upto 10 months a year in a country like Afghanistan. Think about every man who you know who marries a girl from back home - sooner or later they bring their wives to the country. It'll probably be the same in this case.

                          Think about yourself and do not let someone mess about with your life. If someone can't even tell their father for you then why are you considering making sacrifices for them and putting yourself through pain.

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                          • #43
                            Originally posted by Khalid55 View Post
                            I know of someone who went through a similar situation. He wanted to marry someone else who he supposedly liked and had a relationship with. But after being set up with his cousin, he dropped his potential wife he had in mind even though he was very much serious about her for what his parents chose for him.

                            Girls have to stop day dreaming in made up movies and all fake Bollywood happy endings. In real life, things are very different and if you don't open your eyes then you're in for a huge disappointment.

                            what you're experiencing is probably infatuation with lust since it's based on the wrong Islamic principles. But at the end of the day we live and learn. Make your own mistakes and then you'll know first hand what options were better for you. Very few people take advice before making mistakes.
                            This so much. Let’s stop acting like we’re gonna marry Ahmed from university and start getting ready to marry Abdullah who’s your cousin.

                            Ive seen so many sisters say “I love my boyfriend!” And than next year she’s marrying her cousin. We can stop this whole bf and gf stuff if we can get this reality in our heads
                            Don't depend too much on anyone in this world because even your own shadow leaves you when you are in the darkness

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                            • #44
                              Originally posted by Cherry_9878 View Post


                              I don't know what to say..! I fell in love with him when he wasn't engaged to her.. Now that I know, I have been keeping minimal contact with him. I know it is a sin! But.. He keeps saying it is not, and he is doing everything for me and his family. I have to trust him, because he is being honest with me. And he tells me not to ruin our mood with so much negativity. Instead we should divert our energy to positivity. And for all my worries he just answers: everything is in Allah's hand. I know that!

                              Everyone saying that I should just cut him off from my life. Well, I can't do that so suddenly. I need time to think things through.. And evaluate everything. I just need some time...
                              Time for????? No this is like a band aid tear it off and move on. Because the longer you hold on to this harami the longer your gonna be heart broken and have trouble letting go.

                              He’s married and he’s still talking to you? Than he has no shame and no respect for his wife so what makes you think he loves you so much if he’s willing to cheat on his wife with you? Because news flash a guy who cheats with you will cheat on you.

                              and what kind of hippie nonsense “Don’t ruin this with your negativity.” Dude your married stop being gross and go take care of your responsibilities
                              Don't depend too much on anyone in this world because even your own shadow leaves you when you are in the darkness

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                              • #45
                                Originally posted by Allah's_Servant View Post

                                Time for????? No this is like a band aid tear it off and move on. Because the longer you hold on to this harami the longer your gonna be heart broken and have trouble letting go.

                                He’s married and he’s still talking to you? Than he has no shame and no respect for his wife so what makes you think he loves you so much if he’s willing to cheat on his wife with you? Because news flash a guy who cheats with you will cheat on you.

                                and what kind of hippie nonsense “Don’t ruin this with your negativity.” Dude your married stop being gross and go take care of your responsibilities
                                In situations like this it is almost always the male that does the dumping while the female hangs onto his coattails.

                                It's sad the cousin is unaware of what man she is marrying. That's the victim here, not the OP...she is the other woman...since when do they get an easy ride!!! Oh wait we get things twisted on UF.

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