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Boyfriend forced to marry his cousin, but he also wants to marry me!!?? 😩

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  • Boyfriend forced to marry his cousin, but he also wants to marry me!!?? 😩

    My boyfriend and I were together for about two years. Until one day came, after his recent visit to Afghanistan... That he announced he is engaged to his cousin. In the beginning he said he loves me and wants to marry me. And I entered this relationship knowing that he'll marry, because that's what he promised. He said, I have to agree otherwise it will be a sin to be in a relationship. And no, we haven't done anything sinful. Anyhow, he says he liked that I was talented and interesting. He wants to have well educated children, and thinks I'll be the perfect mother to his children. And he believes both of us can make each other very happy. At first, I thought he was mad. But slowly I warmed up to him and accepted his proposal. Because he is very calm, sweet, gentle and soft. He is also a very responsible and dependable type of person and very caring towards his family. That's why, he struck me as a family man. But most of all, he seem like the type of guy who has deen and imaan. And I like these qualities in a man. So we planned to get married after graduating from University.

    Second of all, my mom, sister, cousin and khala knows about him but they don't have much problem with it. He also told his mother and sisters about us and they liked me. His family lives in Afghanistan btw. And when I'm around and he talks to his mom on the phone, she even acknowledges me and sends me salam. Obviously, I also give her salam. Anyhow, he was so sure that he could convince his father too....

    However, my life got shattered when I found out he got engaged. We had our entire life planned out, like we will travel the World and everything.. Sharing our hopes and dreams.. But, he was already betrothed 7 years ago!!! And he cannot break it! Because it will create family problem and destroy his cousin's reputation. He said he was unaware of his betrothal, because it was an agreement within family and he didn't give it importance before. But now, he was forced by his parents to get officially engaged. His father is extremely strict and my bf once hinted him that he would rather marry a foreign girl, but his father got mad and threatened to disown him. So he didn't tell him about me.. Instead, his mother advises he should marry both me and his cousin!

    Now he says, it's not his fault since he was never given the choice. And he doesn't want to disappoint his family nor does he want to lose me. So he's been trying to convince me to be his second wife! And the fact that he's marrying his cousin for his family, but wants to marry me because he loves me and I am his personal choice. He says, he can keep his cousin in Afghanistan with his family. While, he'll live with me in Canada, but he has to go to Afghanistan every year for 2-3 months for his family. He once even said that maybe he will begin to love his cousin. So we've been having lots of fights and disagreements. Because I don't want to share him, nor do I want him to be away from me for so long. He scolds me for being so selfish and wants me to think of HER like a sister.

    But, I can't! I am that sort of girl who still plays Nintendo like Pokemon, really into Classic Rock, period dramas and a literal bookworm. So, I never expected myself to be in this sort of situation! I am a very idealistic type of person and my idea of relationship is that love is made for two! And I cannot bear to think there will always be another woman between us. I am Bengali Muslim btw, and our society isn't backward like that, but polygamous marriages used to happen during my grandfather's time, not now! And if I marry him, then I can never share my short comings or problem about this to my family. Because my family loves me too much and they don't have such low expectation of me. Even my family would need enough convincing that I want to marry an Afghan guy... So talking about being second wife is out of the question!

    Ever since knowing about his engagement, we have been alternating between relationship mode and breakup mode. Still, I love him too much and I relent but then again I refuse to accept it! I am very conflicted about this situation! What should I do!!??? Please, help me! I don't have any kind of idea or experience about this! And I cannot share such shameful thing to anyone! Advise me!!


    *Most of you judging me, why we are in a relationship. He proposed to me for marriage from the very start. And that's why some of our female family members know! So that's why I felt our relationship was valid. And he wants to marry me still, because he made a promise to me and he doesn't want to break the commitment. Only problem is.. I am not sure if I can handle it. Because now, he is also engaged to his cousin.*
    Last edited by Cherry_9878; 08-12-18, 06:41 PM.

  • #2
    Originally posted by Cherry_9878 View Post
    ...deen and imaan...
    That's where the problem lies, your deen and imaan.

    This isn't a marriage issue.

    Comment


    • #3
      You two have no business having an illegal relationship with each other. You do know that boyfriend/girlfriend is haram in Islam, don't you? My advice is to learn your religion since you say you are a Muslim and then apply what you learned. Don't expect many people on here overlooking this sin that you both are committing. And part of me thinks this is troll bait.....
      The Prophet s.a.a.w warned when he said: "You will surely follow the ways of those who came before you, in exactly the same fashion, to the point were they to enter the hole of a lizard, you too would enter it." It was asked of him, "O Messenger of Allah s.a.a.w., do you mean the Jews and Christians?" He replied, "Who else?" (Bukhari and Muslim)

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Musbah View Post
        You two have no business having an illegal relationship with each other. You do know that boyfriend/girlfriend is haram in Islam, don't you? My advice is to learn your religion since you say you are a Muslim and then apply what you learned. Don't expect many people on here overlooking this sin that you both are committing. And part of me thinks this is troll bait.....
        Don't be so extreme in your judgement. And just to clarify, we haven't done any kind of haram things. And I'm suffering here, so it is rude of you to be so inconsiderate. That's why I am asking for advice about my situation and how I should deal with it.. Or if it is best to leave.. Because I don't have anyone to share this problem with.

        Comment


        • #5
          >Has deen and iman
          >Has a girlfriend

          Pick 1

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Cherry_9878 View Post

            Don't be so extreme in your judgement. And just to clarify, we haven't done any kind of haram things. And I'm suffering here, so it is rude of you to be so inconsiderate. That's why I am asking for advice about my situation and how I should deal with it.. Or if it is best to leave.. Because I don't have anyone to share this problem with.
            You said that you were together for 2 years. I find it hard that no physical contact happened in that time. Leave him and become a better Muslim. Islam forbids dating. That isn't extreme. What you are doing is extreme.
            The Prophet s.a.a.w warned when he said: "You will surely follow the ways of those who came before you, in exactly the same fashion, to the point were they to enter the hole of a lizard, you too would enter it." It was asked of him, "O Messenger of Allah s.a.a.w., do you mean the Jews and Christians?" He replied, "Who else?" (Bukhari and Muslim)

            Comment


            • #7
              So much wrong in this post ....where to begin.

              Leave him and educate yourself on the deen ...I can't emphasis how silly & contradictory you sound.

              And do not agree to be a second wife ...you will both screw up the other womans life because this guy doesn't have the backbone to stand up to his parents.

              Comment


              • #8
                Is this a script for Bollywood?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Have you told your father this whole story yet? Try that.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Cherry_9878 View Post
                    My boyfriend and I were together for about two years. Until one day came, after his recent visit to Afghanistan... That he announced he is engaged to his cousin. In the beginning he said he loves me and wants to marry me. And I entered this relationship knowing that he'll marry, because that's what he promised. He said, I have to agree otherwise it will be a sin to be in a relationship. And no, we haven't done anything sinful. Anyhow, he says he liked that I was talented and interesting. He wants to have well educated children, and thinks I'll be the perfect mother to his children. And he believes both of us can make each other very happy. At first, I thought he was mad. But slowly I warmed up to him and accepted his proposal. Because he is very calm, sweet, gentle and soft. He is also a very responsible and dependable type of person and very caring towards his family. That's why, he struck me as a family man. But most of all, he seem like the type of guy who has deen and imaan. And I like these qualities in a man. So we planned to get married after graduating from University.

                    Second of all, my mom, sister, cousin and khala knows about him but they don't have much problem with it. He also told his mother and sisters about us and they liked me. His family lives in Afghanistan btw. And when I'm around and he talks to his mom on the phone, she even acknowledges me and sends me salam. Obviously, I also give her salam. Anyhow, he was so sure that he could convince his father too....

                    However, my life got shattered when I found out he got engaged. We had our entire life planned out, like we will travel the World and everything.. Sharing our hopes and dreams.. But, he was already betrothed 7 years ago!!! And he cannot break it! Because it will create family problem and destroy his cousin's reputation. He said he was unaware of his betrothal, because it was an agreement within family and he didn't give it importance before. But now, he was forced by his parents to get officially engaged. His father is extremely strict and my bf once hinted him that he would rather marry a foreign girl, but his father got mad and threatened to disown him. So he didn't tell him about me.. Instead, his mother advises he should marry both me and his cousin!

                    Now he says, it's not his fault since he was never given the choice. And he doesn't want to disappoint his family nor does he want to lose me. So he's been trying to convince me to be his second wife! And the fact that he's marrying his cousin for his family, but wants to marry me because he loves me and I am his personal choice. He says, he can keep his cousin in Afghanistan with his family. While, he'll live with me in Canada, but he has to go to Afghanistan every year for 2-3 months for his family. He once even said that maybe he will begin to love his cousin. So we've been having lots of fights and disagreements. Because I don't want to share him, nor do I want him to be away from me for so long. He scolds me for being so selfish and wants me to think of HER like a sister.

                    But, I can't! I am that sort of girl who still plays Nintendo like Pokemon, really into Classic Rock, period dramas and a literal bookworm. So, I never expected myself to be in this sort of situation! I am a very idealistic type of person and my idea of relationship is that love is made for two! And I cannot bear to think there will always be another woman between us. I am Bengali Muslim btw, and our society isn't backward like that, but polygamous marriages used to happen during my grandfather's time, not now! And if I marry him, then I can never share my short comings or problem about this to my family. Because my family loves me too much and they don't have such low expectation of me. Even my family would need enough convincing that I want to marry an Afghan guy... So talking about being second wife is out of the question!

                    Ever since knowing about his engagement, we have been alternating between relationship mode and breakup mode. Still, I love him too much and I relent but then again I refuse to accept it! I am very conflicted about this situation! What should I do!!??? Please, help me! I don't have any kind of idea or experience about this! And I cannot share such shameful thing to anyone! Advise me!!


                    *Most of you judging me, why we are in a relationship. He proposed to me for marriage from the very start. And that's why some of our female family members know! So that's why I felt our relationship was valid. And he wants to marry me still, because he made a promise to me and he doesn't want to break the commitment. Only problem is.. I am not sure if I can handle it. Because now, he is also engaged to his cousin.*
                    I know many posters are going to attack you due to being involved with a non-mehram and using the word boyfriend. I just want to remind the users that your advice can affect someone's life and turn them to Islam or turn them away, so be careful. As for the OP, if you guys were speaking about marriage and you had plans set then you weren't really boyfriend/girlfriend but engaged. In the future, just avoid words like boyfriend girlfriend since this is the type of response people tend to give out. I apologize for that though. If you guys were speaking about marriage and had plans then you were engaged and it's all good. InshaAlllah no one else harps on this issue and helps you out.

                    Alhamdulillah nothing haram happened and you guys were all about marriage, so that's a good thing. It seems like you were both on the same page too, which is why his sudden engagement is probably hurting both of you. At this point you have a few options:

                    1. Become his second wife. If you can handle it and everyone is cool with it, then this is an option for you. The only problem is that he'd need to spend his time equally between you and the new wife, which means that you may not see him for long periods of time. If she's from Afghanistan, then he's most likely going to sponsor her over here so you'll have to deal with that as well. Real life is different from period dramas too, so you need to do some deep thinking

                    2. Break up. The brother was engaged for seven years and never really thought of it. He was forced, but he did know about it according to your own words. I think you need to have a frank discussion on this, because he may not be revealing everything. That being said, if this is too much drama for you then you always have the option to leave. It's not like you guys have a kid or you're already married, so there's nothing holding you down. Just explain that this is too much, but you wish him the best. Allah will reward you too, because you're leaving something that you love for His Sake and He'll replace it with something better.

                    3. Wait it out and see what happens. At this point, the brother has agreed to marry the Afghani sister and then marry you. He may change his mind once he's married or he may end the relationship, Allah 'Alam, but at this stage it's none of your concern. He's the one who has to figure things out on that front and once he's free he'll come back to you. You can stress over this as much as you want, but the ball is in his court and he plans on getting married.

                    This is a good reminder that it's always best to get your families involved right from the beginning to avoid these feelings and hardships, but in this situation it may have done much to change things. He was always engaged, even before he met you, so alhamdulillah at least you know where you stand now. It's almost like a blessing in disguise, right? And if he manages to convince his family that he only wants to marry you then everything will be okay. If he doesn't, then worry about that once he's married. Till then, it would be best to take a break from one another so you can cool down and sort these matters in your head.

                    May Allah make things easier for both of you and bring a resolution for this situation. Ameen.


                    مَّن ذَا الَّذِي يُقْرِضُ اللّهَ قَرْضًا حَسَنًا فَيُضَاعِفَهُ لَهُ أَضْعَافًا كَثِيرَةً وَاللّهُ يَقْبِضُ وَيَبْسُطُ وَإِلَيْهِ تُرْجَعُونَ

                    "Who is he that will loan to Allah a beautiful loan, which Allah will double unto his credit and multiply many times?
                    It is Allah that giveth (you) Want or plenty, and to Him shall be your return."
                    Surah al-Baqarah
                    [2:245]

                    .:.
                    .:. Perfer et Obdura : Dolor Hic Tibi Proderit Olim .:.
                    Be patient and strong : someday this pain will be useful to you

                    .:.
                    ...said the spider to the fly...

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      He doesn't seem to be man enough to actually say no to his father and marry you and you don't seem to be happy with the idea of being a second wife (btw you called this backwards but it isn't and you should careful when you use that word because polygamy is very much allowed in Islam).

                      Either he needs to man up or he needs to stop playing games with your life and leave you alone. I'm not trying to be harsh, I get that young people make mistakes and I understand the allure of wanting to be married to this person but I do not see how it's going to work if the man(who is meant to be the leader and the person who should not be afraid to talk to either his parents or the girls) can't even tell his father about this.
                      Last edited by Medic; 08-12-18, 10:08 PM.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Musbah View Post

                        You said that you were together for 2 years. I find it hard that no physical contact happened in that time. Leave him and become a better Muslim. Islam forbids dating. That isn't extreme. What you are doing is extreme.

                        I am always well aware of my actions so I don't commit any sin! And I don't know why you are so interested in "physical contact". We restricted physical contact because we are not married and most of the time we were far apart, so we didn't meet often.​​​​​​ Besides, I am not the type to fool around. I already said that I am simple and a geeky person so I am not even interested to do wrong stuff before marriage. And our relationship was more like a best friend type of relationship. But he proposed to me at the beginning, so I really took it seriously. I believed him because he seemed genuine about his feelings.. And I wanted to be happy. He also said, if we agreed to marry each other then there is no problem being in a relationship, as long as we don't get physical.


                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Cherry_9878 View Post


                          *Most of you judging me, why we are in a relationship. He proposed to me for marriage from the very start. And that's why some of our female family members know! So that's why I felt our relationship was valid. And he wants to marry me still, because he made a promise to me and he doesn't want to break the commitment. Only problem is.. I am not sure if I can handle it. Because now, he is also engaged to his cousin.*
                          Can you stop saying you're religious, religious people don't keep friends of the opposite sex, they don't spend time alone with non mahrams to the point they're hearing their bfs mother on the phone.= you said you're suffering but its all self inflicted... How is your relationship valid if your wali/father hasn't agreed to it.

                          You've wasted 2 years of your life. Repent....

                          Pippin1376 gave you some good options..
                          Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Cherry_9878 View Post


                            I am always well aware of my actions so I don't commit any sin! And I don't know why you are so interested in "physical contact". We restricted physical contact because we are not married and most of the time we were far apart, so we didn't meet often.​​​​​​ Besides, I am not the type to fool around. I already said that I am simple and a geeky person so I am not even interested to do wrong stuff before marriage. And our relationship was more like a best friend type of relationship. But he proposed to me at the beginning, so I really took it seriously. I believed him because he seemed genuine about his feelings.. And I wanted to be happy. He also said, if we agreed to marry each other then there is no problem being in a relationship, as long as we don't get physical.


                            You don't commit any sins?
                            How can you be so confident in that?

                            I'm a Bengali girl, I don't know if I'm a geek or not but that doesn't really matter because geeks can be perverts.

                            Being a geek doesn't mean you're an angel.

                            We don't need to know if you got physical with him.

                            You came to a Muslim forum for Muslim advice or Islamic advice.

                            If you want to listen to me then I would say leave him. Put an end to this relationship.

                            His poor innocent wife doesn't know he has another lover.
                            You're in a dangerous position.

                            Protect your honour and dignity. He obviously cares about his wife, that's how it should be but he needs to stop having an emotional affair with you.

                            I understand you 'love' him, that in itself is a delusion you're living in- I'm sorry


                            You said he is religious- a religious person would not be talking to a girl or have friendship with her

                            Next time, tell your dad, he raised you up, he is responsible for you and he is accountable for you too

                            Be careful, don't delude yourself with this obsession with love. Once you're married you'll get a wake up call.

                            These types of flings are temporary, it's a different story when you live with your lover. Suddenly you can't stand each other.
                            'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                            So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Medic View Post
                              He doesn't seem to be man enough to actually say no to his father and marry you and you don't seem to be happy with the idea of being a second wife (btw you called this backwards but it isn't and you should careful when you use that word because polygamy is very much allowed in Islam).

                              Either he needs to man up or he needs to stop playing games with your life and leave you alone. I'm not trying to be harsh, I get that young people make mistakes and I understand the allure of wanting to be married to this person but I do not see how it's going to work if the man(who is meant to be the leader and the person who should not be afraid to talk to either his parents or the girls) can't even tell his father about this.
                              +1

                              MAJOR put off when a man is scared to stand up, especially when we all know guys don't need walis

                              Cowards are unattractive, eww seriously it's like a warning sign

                              No independence at all

                              And he wants to take care of a second wife...hmm :/



                              'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                              So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                              Comment

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