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  • husband short fuse

    Salam
    Last edited by Skhs1919; 09-12-18, 09:22 PM.

  • #2
    I'm sorry to hear of your situation sister.

    You seem like a mature, sensible Muslimah, and I pray Allaah grants you contentment in your marriage.

    Does your husband realise that his behaviour is wrong, or does he always put the blame on you?

    Is there any way you can convey how you feel to him? Whether in an email or text, if you feel you can't verbalize it?

    If you can't approach him directly, then perhaps use a mediator? Will he be willing to listen to someone else?

    Comment


    • #3
      Husbands need to remember that their wives are their sisters in Islam before they are wives. And your husband may be lashing out at you for shortcomings and issues in his own self. May Allah rectify him and makes things easier for you. Ameen.
      The Prophet s.a.a.w warned when he said: "You will surely follow the ways of those who came before you, in exactly the same fashion, to the point were they to enter the hole of a lizard, you too would enter it." It was asked of him, "O Messenger of Allah s.a.a.w., do you mean the Jews and Christians?" He replied, "Who else?" (Bukhari and Muslim)

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      • #4
        Originally posted by Skhs1919 View Post
        Assalamu Alaykum brothers and sisters,

        I have been married for two years now. My husband and I seem to go through a cycle of being happy, discontent with each other, then being content again. I try to remain quiet when he chooses to argue with me. It is mainly about my efforts with raising our son who is 1.5 years old. Only a couple months ago my husband used cursing at me, and insulted me. Sometimes he insults me directly when an argument breaks out. He wants me to teach our son more discipline by: shouting, punishments, and declining some things my son may want, e.g. Our son not wanting to finish his meal, or our son wanting to go out and play in the morning (things I am OK with).
        Sometimes my husband fuels his own anger when I do not respond to him when he is shouting. He accuses me of false things, such as being lazy, or not caring for him, doing nothing at home while he is busy at work all day. I’ve tried explaining to him that he does not see my efforts because he is at work. He sometimes does not let me see my parents (day visits).
        I understand men can process stress differently than women, and it can be difficult for them to control anger. I have a problem of my own and that is not expressing my thoughts in speech. If he is shouting and insulting me, I only start to cry, I become dumb and cannot think properly. I have nothing smart or productive to say when he starts to yell and accuse me. I do not insult him and I try not to talk back to him. I can try to pray for him to be more wise and myself too. But I know some action needs to be taken.

        I cannot raise my voice to my 1.5 year old son, I feel that it is wrong and unjust. I cannot hear insults coming from my husband. This is not such a big dilemma as other wives and even husbands go through real struggle that makes our families issue look so minute. Even some little advice can help me/us out. I’m sorry for this bother and with all my heart I hope that no one gets deeply affected by this. This is life, so for whoever reads this: Allah subhana wa taAla loves those who are patient. Don’t worry about this, just do your best.

        JazakAllah khairun. Thanks for any comments, I can take any kind of criticism or thoughts.

        Assalamu Alaykum.
        Walaikum asalaaam wa rahmatullah

        Maybe it would be better to talk to him when you are both calm. Bring up the subject in a tactful way and let him know how it is affecting you. Also if he shouts or insults infront of the little one then tell him how that can affect the child.

        You could go out one day and then also visit an islamic book shop and get a book about raising children in islam and both can read it together.

        Sister how does he respond when you start crying? When he shouts start doing zikr and ask Allah swt to help you.

        Also is there any particular reason he does not at times let you visit your parents house?

        You do need to communicate your feelings to him otherwise he may continue his behaviour or may get worse. It us obviously wrong for him to take out anger on you. You are doing right by not insulting him back.

        If you really are finding it difficult to talk to him then get someone else to talk to him but I think you should try talking to him first. That way he will not be able to say that you bought another person into it without talking to him first.

        Hope Allah swt sorts out your affairs.





        Comment


        • #5
          Assalaamu Alaykum,

          We teach people what is acceptable by what we tolerate from them, so if you don't like it, and who would? don't tolerate it. Either he is acting this way because he can and / or because this is what he is used to seeing from other people and seems a somewhat emotionally immature way of acting under pressure.

          Does he admit fault for this type of behaviour in calmer times, or is he thinking or pretending to think that this sort of thing is normal and fine?

          If the former it is quite possible you can talk to him at these calmer times, about reading some books together about different methods of parents, and relationship management, as he probably realises he is in the wrong and to find better methods of handling this.

          If the later you can still try this, it may work but either way if it does not better to get an imam or elder involved who can talk to your husband and whose advice he cannot ignore.
          Going to this level will infuriate him most likely, but that is because he will be embarassed you've exposed his anger issues to someone else, but it's either that or put up with it whilst he bullies you into becomming a meek little mouse, or you end up snapping against this tyranny and do something wrong yourself or else leave him.

          Better to deal with this problem now, it will not get better and the longer it goes on the more resentment you'll build up against him.
          FOLLOW THE NEW BLOG - GINGERBEARDMAN - Muslim, father, husband, writer, defender of ginger rights!

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          • #6
            Salam
            Last edited by Skhs1919; 09-12-18, 09:20 PM. Reason: Did not know forums cannot be deleted

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Skhs1919 View Post
              Salam.

              Thank you all for your feedback and points for reflection.

              To answer some Qs:
              He does blame me often.

              When I start crying, (I try to NOT show it, or cry when I’m alone because I know men can process seeing tears differently than women too, he might see it as a threat(?)) but if he finds me crying, he tells me that he is not sympathetic and I have no right to cry and that there’s nothing to cry about (this is after insults and shouting). Typing all of this, I’m realizing that he truly may believe wrong about me, or that he is trying to show me something I’m doing wrong so that I can do it right. Both his and my communication is all off though.

              He does not let me see my parents because he thinks it is spoiling me, or that I’m taking everything for granted. When he doesn’t allow me to see them, it is usually as a snap reaction when he is angry. “No leaving the house”

              I can agree with him sometimes, it’s easy to take things for granted, so I try to remind myself to thank him and be grateful for everything I have because of him. Sometimes though it’s quite frustrating for me because I cannot find logic in him.
              He is the first son and only in his family and I have a feeling now that this is cultural, now. Maybe his self image is low and he’s taking it out on me and himself emotionally. He refuses to ever apologize, but we do calm down a couple days after his shouting and accusations. It’s a cycle that is exhausting mentally.

              But Alhamdulillah and thank you very much for the advice and suggestions.
              May Allah be pleased with you. I appreciate this help.

              I will not bring outsiders into this unless absolutely necessary. I think getting Islamic books and doing more zikr, and communicating better at better times are great ideas.

              Salam
              I know a sister, who is in a similar situation to you. You can be patient and earn rewards In Sha Allaah, and hope/pray your husband changes somehow - or - you can get someone involved now.

              His behaviour is not normal. The longer you leave it, the harder it will get for you.

              You say it is emotionally draining - marriage doesn't need to be like this. Tell him to seek counselling (although I doubt he will).



              Comment


              • #8
                Walaykum salam,

                He is a controlling bully and he does not care about you. My guess is that he was raised by a bully and children learn what they live and often imitate behavioural traits that run in their own families and assume that is normal so that's why he expects you to raise your child in a controlling environment so that your child also feels bullied and the cycle of dysfunction continues unless you take action to break it.

                I don't necessarily think that bringing in an imam would help cos' some of the more culturally inclined imams would carry the same views as him and could make matters worse. Then again, if you know of a good scholar who has a proven track record of handling marital disputes well, then by all means contact him if you feel that a respected religious authority might be listened to. If seeing your tears isn't enough for your husband to realise that he's wrong, then your child's tears will also mean nothing to him and he will be your child's role model. Ask yourself if you want your child to grow up to be like him and if you don't want that, then something drastic has to change cos' this situation cannot continue as it is.

                This is not a "sabr" issue. The problem here is not a lack of sabr on your part. If anything, you've been far too patient and shouldn't be putting up with this nastiness as he is oppressing you and he is oppressing your child. He doesn't want you to visit your parents because he wants to maintain control of you, make you feel small and insist on only hearing gratitude from you even when he hurls insults towards you and wants you to be just as oppressive to your own child. If you want your child to grow up to be just like him, then allow this situation to continue and deceive yourself that you just need to show more patience.
                The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by neelu View Post
                  Walaykum salam,

                  He is a controlling bully and he does not care about you. My guess is that he was raised by a bully and children learn what they live and often imitate behavioural traits that run in their own families and assume that is normal so that's why he expects you to raise your child in a controlling environment so that your child also feels bullied and the cycle of dysfunction continues unless you take action to break it.

                  I don't necessarily think that bringing in an imam would help cos' some of the more culturally inclined imams would carry the same views as him and could make matters worse. Then again, if you know of a good scholar who has a proven track record of handling marital disputes well, then by all means contact him if you feel that a respected religious authority might be listened to. If seeing your tears isn't enough for your husband to realise that he's wrong, then your child's tears will also mean nothing to him and he will be your child's role model. Ask yourself if you want your child to grow up to be like him and if you don't want that, then something drastic has to change cos' this situation cannot continue as it is.

                  This is not a "sabr" issue. The problem here is not a lack of sabr on your part. If anything, you've been far too patient and shouldn't be putting up with this nastiness as he is oppressing you and he is oppressing your child. He doesn't want you to visit your parents because he wants to maintain control of you, make you feel small and insist on only hearing gratitude from you even when he hurls insults towards you and wants you to be just as oppressive to your own child. If you want your child to grow up to be just like him, then allow this situation to continue and deceive yourself that you just need to show more patience.
                  I've heard from sisters in my area of local imams telling them to have sabr when their husbands are violent or on drugs or drunk, or committing zina, or even looking at gay porn, you are right a cultural imam would only back him up and ask what she can do to make him more comfortable so he doesn't behave this way, putting all the blame on her for not being the perfect spouse.

                  Donkeys carrying books.
                  FOLLOW THE NEW BLOG - GINGERBEARDMAN - Muslim, father, husband, writer, defender of ginger rights!

                  www.facebook.com/outreach4Islam - Outreach4Islam have been working together in Leicester, calling the not yet Muslims to Islam since 2006.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Skhs1919 View Post

                    I will not bring outsiders into this unless absolutely necessary. I think getting Islamic books and doing more zikr, and communicating better at better times are great ideas.

                    Salam
                    Wa alaykumus salaam,

                    Sister, one of the most obvious ways of controlling someone is preventing them seeing their family and friends without valid reasons, or seeking outside help. This is because when it's just you and him, it's easier to see such acts as tolerable or normal even but when the problem is among a wider group of people it quickly becomes apparent that he is the abnormal one and needs to address his own behaviour.

                    No dhalim wants to be held under such scrutiny.

                    FOLLOW THE NEW BLOG - GINGERBEARDMAN - Muslim, father, husband, writer, defender of ginger rights!

                    www.facebook.com/outreach4Islam - Outreach4Islam have been working together in Leicester, calling the not yet Muslims to Islam since 2006.

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                    • #11
                      He fits the profile of a control freak. His attempts at isolating you from your family and not showing empathy when you cry, all point to this. Men who get angry and say something abusive, later realize their mistake and try to make amends but his being uapologetic means he lacks empathy towards others pain

                      The fact that you are not able to convey your pain and feelings to him says a lot about the skewed relationship you share with him

                      He wants you to fully depend on him and simply wants someone to be forever submissive to the extent of even doing wrong like punishing or shouting on a child at an age incapable of processing why they are being punished

                      Since soft measure seem to have failed, you need to take a drastic measure if this continues and he refuses to change his behavior or make amendments

                      Before that you can try taking help of elders that he respects and listens to

                      If you accept the status quo, you will be joining hands with him in this oppression
                      Last edited by Vishnu; 08-12-18, 03:58 PM.
                      Not knowing what one doesn't know will lead to difficulty

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Skhs1919 View Post
                        I will not bring outsiders into this unless absolutely necessary. I think getting Islamic books and doing more zikr, and communicating better at better times are great ideas.
                        The Prophet (SAW) sought outside help when he had issues in his marriage. Going to outsiders for mediation isn't an embarrassment or something you need to shy from. Sometimes an outsider's view can help save a marriage and your husband, if he is as you say he is, needs a lot of help. Enabling his bad behaviour by saying that it's your fault or taking the blame or keeping this on the low low isn't going to help him.

                        The fact that he's swearing and insulting you is a problem. The fact that he doesn't apologize for hurting you is a problem. The fact that he thinks spending time with your parents is a form of spoiling you is a problem. All he's doing is raking in more sins, so it's a problem. If you don't want to go to an imam, then maybe seek the advice of a couple that you both trust. Allow them to mediate your issues and have them hold you accountable as well.

                        Continue doing dhikr and work on your communication skills, but if he's not doing anything then nothing will be solved.

                        Sabr is great in financial difficulties or sickness (look at Nabi Ayyub's (as) wife), but when it comes to abuse it's not. You can't and shouldn't tolerate it.
                        مَّن ذَا الَّذِي يُقْرِضُ اللّهَ قَرْضًا حَسَنًا فَيُضَاعِفَهُ لَهُ أَضْعَافًا كَثِيرَةً وَاللّهُ يَقْبِضُ وَيَبْسُطُ وَإِلَيْهِ تُرْجَعُونَ

                        "Who is he that will loan to Allah a beautiful loan, which Allah will double unto his credit and multiply many times?
                        It is Allah that giveth (you) Want or plenty, and to Him shall be your return."
                        Surah al-Baqarah
                        [2:245]

                        .:.
                        .:. Perfer et Obdura : Dolor Hic Tibi Proderit Olim .:.
                        Be patient and strong : someday this pain will be useful to you

                        .:.
                        ...said the spider to the fly...

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                        • #13
                          Clearly the shouting and swearing is not the way to handle the situation, but If your husband continually asks you to show more discipline and you do not..why are you disobeying him? He may be worried you are spoiling the child and not setting proper boundaries which may become a problem as the child gets older. Why is you husband angry at the child going out to play? I assume you are outside with him..or are your "supervising" from in front of the TV?

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Skhs1919 in I want a divorce. But I am afraid.

                            Dear sister,

                            I know the boat you are on. You are at the beginning of what can and is very likely to be a torturing voyage.

                            Please consider what others have told you. You can continue making excuses for him but he has crossed many red lines that sometimes you are too blind to see.

                            Living with someone who can not control themselves is extremely hard and you will suffer tens and tens of folds the suffering you are going through now.

                            If a baby is on the way, do you want someone, his or her father, to verbally and physically abuse them? As a mother, you will know what I’m talking about when you are a mother. You will not stand for it. A divorce now is better than a divorce during child raising. Think of your child and your iman. You also don’t want him to influence your iman negatively. Don’t worry about others opinions about the divorce, because your safety and security and future are on the line. Please seek help and do not allow him into Canada or your safe home.

                            I hope this helps. Do NOT give him excuses.
                            I will keep you in my prayers inshaAllah.

                            Assalamu Alaykum.
                            Sister this is the advice you gave another sister on her thread.

                            There is a lot that you can take from it yourself too.
                            Last edited by Mintchocchip; 09-12-18, 06:18 PM.

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                            • #15
                              Salam
                              Last edited by Skhs1919; 09-12-18, 09:21 PM. Reason: Did not know forums cannot be deleted

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