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  • To stay with someone who isn't asking about you

    Salam Alaikum Wa Rahmatuallh Baraktu

    Everyone already knows my situation. But now I have another problem a couple days ago my husband called and we got into an argument and started to say "You're the one who threw me away, your the one who let things escalate. You took all your clothes and your gold. So just give birth and give me my daughter and leave." I told him that he's the one who called my dad to take me and he said "You were suppose to say you aren't gonna leave your house and your husband but you did so you don't care about me."

    The problem is that I did say I didn't want to leave. I told him not to call my dad. I even called my dad and told me him not to come but my dad said why should I stay with a man who doesn't want me.

    Im confused and heart broken. I don't want to lose my husband even if he has been out of it these past few months he use to be so kind and that's what I keep remembering. I also don't want to drag my kids to court for years. I don't want to have to fight like this for years.

    My mother and father keep telling me that my husband doesn't want me and since he hasn't asked about me that shows he doesn't care about me.

    I don't know what to do anymore. Should I just tell my husband to divorce me and lets get it over with? Because I don't know what else to do because I'm not allowed to talk to my husband and he's not allowed to talk to me (culture thing the moment grown men and elders are involved the wife and husband are not allowed to talk to each other)
    Don't depend too much on anyone in this world because even your own shadow leaves you when you are in the darkness

  • #2
    Wa'aleikum salam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu.

    I'm new here so I don't know much but from reading that, it sounds like a horrible situation to be in.

    Here's one thing about men at least from what I understand. When they really want something, they'll do anything in their power to have it. When a man says or shows behaviour of no interest, it's very unlikely he'll ever want that thing or that person. Usually when the girl in the marriage causes problems or neglects her husband, elders sit her down and convince her to change and be a better wife. But when it's the man that decides he doesn't want the woman any longer, it's not so easy. Women in general tolerate and endure bad relationships much more than men do.

    You say the man was a good man at the beginning. So maybe he's not bad as a person but he just lost interest and it sounds like he has no intention of trying to make it work. Other than seeking advice from people, see what your parents say and most importantly pray istikhara and ask Allah to find you a way which will be kheir for you. May Allah make things easy for you
    وَلَا تَكُونُوا كَالَّذِينَ نَسُوا اللَّهَ فَأَنسَاهُمْ أَنفُسَهُمْ

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    • #3
      Sis make lots of dua. Idk what to say, as I've never been married, I'm sure other members have more insight to give a more considered answer,

      May Allah give you the best and ease your situation ameen.

      وَاقْصِدْ فِي مَشْيِكَ وَاغْضُضْ مِن صَوْتِكَ ۚ إِنَّ أَنكَرَ الْأَصْوَاتِ لَصَوْتُ الْحَمِيرِ - 31:19

      And be moderate in your pace and lower your voice; indeed, the most disagreeable of sounds is the voice of donkeys."


      أَلَمْ تَرَوْا أَنَّ اللَّهَ سَخَّرَ لَكُم مَّا فِي السَّمَاوَاتِ وَمَا فِي الْأَرْضِ وَأَسْبَغَ عَلَيْكُمْ نِعَمَهُ ظَاهِرَةً وَبَاطِنَةً ۗ وَمِنَ النَّاسِ مَن يُجَادِلُ فِي اللَّهِ بِغَيْرِ عِلْمٍ وَلَا هُدًى وَلَا كِتَابٍ مُّنِيرٍ - 31:20

      Do you not see that Allah has made subject to you whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth and amply bestowed upon you His favors, [both] apparent and unapparent? But of the people is he who disputes about Allah without knowledge or guidance or an enlightening Book [from Him].


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      • #4
        Walaykum assalam warahmatullahi wabarakatuh,

        Sounds to me like he does want you but in his view you don't care about him, so he thinks why bother with a woman who doesn't want me, let me just move on.

        So both of you may think the other doesn't want them, but neither of you have actually communicated that you want each other, whether out of ego or something else.

        Just my 2 cents. I would not advise a divorce. You should try to reconcile.
        Last edited by Stoic Believer; 03-12-18, 10:55 PM.

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        • #5
          Would it be possible for both of you to meet face to face? this would make it easier so that you can see each others body language, facial expressions and try to understand each other a bit more

          Your husband has to understand his faults and how his actions also played a part in all this. If he doesn't understand now, he will continue to behave like this -like a brat, he sounds immature to me, how old is he if you don't mind me asking? Just curious.

          Both of you have to agree if you want to be with each other. Tell him you want this to work but he also has to show that he wants to be with you, both parties need to make an effort. He has to ask himself if he is decisive enough and independent enough to make this work again

          He can't be selfish in marriage, especially when children are involved. He is the man of the house, sorry sister but it really makes me angry when men like this bother marrying. He should have sorted this out by now.

          Don't think about divorce, he needs to grow up and understand his responsibilities as not only a husband but a father. He will soon be blessed with a daughter, want kind of a husband would he like for her?

          Bedouin or not, marriage is not a game. Communicate your feelings, lay out the conditions and tell him to think about this. Make it clear you don't want a divorce but you want him to make that effort for a better start and you will also make sure you give your 100% for the marriage and for your children.



          'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

          So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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          • #6
            I'm sure you'll stay with him because most of you muslim women don't have a choice but personally I would always be wary of the guy that used our child as a weapon


            Set some guidelines before you return to him, no more texting the sis in law, no more physical abuse etc and if he hits you again and you decide to leave; don't tell him you're going..... Make a plan, get the kids passports, tell a male relative, play the long game and then run away for good. Otherwise he will kidnap both your kids next time and ave no reason to divorce you on the spot!
            Last edited by shay5; 03-12-18, 11:45 PM.
            Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
              Walaykum assalam warahmatullahi wabarakatuh,

              Sounds to me like he does want you but in his view you don't care about him, so he thinks why bother with a woman who doesn't want me, let me just move on.

              So both of you may think the other doesn't want them, but neither of you have actually communicated that you want each other, whether out of ego or something else.

              Just my 2 cents. I would not advise a divorce. You should try to reconcile.
              This is what I think too. Because when he called he said "Isn't this what you wanted." I think he honestly and truly believe that I don't want him. But I'm not allowed to talk to him.

              But in a few days my mother (who still hasn't talked to my husband about any of this), my uncle and his brother (this brother is not the same brother that is causing all the other problems) want to sit my husband down and have a long discussion with him. I picked these people for a reason my mother because she will be the one defending me, my uncle because my uncle always admits my faults and his brother because his brother always admits my husbands faults. What I'm hoping that achieves is that it will show my husband that we can still work this out. If this fails there is no other option.

              Don't depend too much on anyone in this world because even your own shadow leaves you when you are in the darkness

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
                Would it be possible for both of you to meet face to face? this would make it easier so that you can see each others body language, facial expressions and try to understand each other a bit more

                Your husband has to understand his faults and how his actions also played a part in all this. If he doesn't understand now, he will continue to behave like this -like a brat, he sounds immature to me, how old is he if you don't mind me asking? Just curious.

                Both of you have to agree if you want to be with each other. Tell him you want this to work but he also has to show that he wants to be with you, both parties need to make an effort. He has to ask himself if he is decisive enough and independent enough to make this work again

                He can't be selfish in marriage, especially when children are involved. He is the man of the house, sorry sister but it really makes me angry when men like this bother marrying. He should have sorted this out by now.

                Don't think about divorce, he needs to grow up and understand his responsibilities as not only a husband but a father. He will soon be blessed with a daughter, want kind of a husband would he like for her?

                Bedouin or not, marriage is not a game. Communicate your feelings, lay out the conditions and tell him to think about this. Make it clear you don't want a divorce but you want him to make that effort for a better start and you will also make sure you give your 100% for the marriage and for your children.


                hes 30

                I cant talk to him. But everything you said my mom also feels the same way and said that she would lay all this out for him because as of now my husband has only talked to men he still hasn't heard from a woman I'm hoping hearing from my mother will open his eyes
                Don't depend too much on anyone in this world because even your own shadow leaves you when you are in the darkness

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by shay5 View Post
                  I'm sure you'll stay with him because most of you muslim women don't have a choice but personally I would always be wary of the guy that used our child as a weapon


                  Set some guidelines before you return to him, no more texting the sis in law, no more physical abuse etc and if he hits you again and you decide to leave; don't tell him you're going..... Make a plan, get the kids passports, tell a male relative, play the long game and then run away for good. Otherwise he will kidnap both your kids next time and ave no reason to divorce you on the spot!
                  I've already have that planned out. I've already told everyone that I'm not willing to go back unless he stops abusing me physically and verbally. He also has to delete the sister in laws phone number and block her. As for the childeren I've already discussed getting a letter written and having two witnesses going to court in front of a judge to also witness it in the letter it will say that if anything happens I get custody of the childeren.
                  Don't depend too much on anyone in this world because even your own shadow leaves you when you are in the darkness

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Allah's_Servant View Post

                    This is what I think too. Because when he called he said "Isn't this what you wanted." I think he honestly and truly believe that I don't want him. But I'm not allowed to talk to him.

                    But in a few days my mother (who still hasn't talked to my husband about any of this), my uncle and his brother (this brother is not the same brother that is causing all the other problems) want to sit my husband down and have a long discussion with him. I picked these people for a reason my mother because she will be the one defending me, my uncle because my uncle always admits my faults and his brother because his brother always admits my husbands faults. What I'm hoping that achieves is that it will show my husband that we can still work this out. If this fails there is no other option.
                    Yes, what he said on the call is a dead giveaway.

                    In shaa Allah, everything will work out.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Give it sometime,think with cool head.
                      But I think if he isn't intrested then why live with him?
                      NO RACISM

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        May Allah make your affairs easy for you
                        Imagine sleeping without praying isha and then waking up in your grave- bilal Phillips

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                        • #13
                          Sister, I don't think your marital issues are that severe that they warrant a seperation, let alone a divorce. You both just seem like egoistic, hot-headed persons, who want to have the last say in each matter.

                          Remember, your husband was very kind to you before. People don't change overnight. Think deeply what made him change.. Were you responsible? Was it your attitude ? Were you mentally abusing him/ disrespecting him?

                          Couples fight and say nasty things to each other in anger. Remember the saying of Umar Ibn Al-Khattab radiyallahu anho "IIf your spouse is angry, you should be calm. When one is fire, the other should be water."

                          Things often escalate to the point they do because both spouses become uncontrollable. They take foolish steps which they end up regretting. Him calling your dad to take you away seems to be one such step. But, there was no need for you to pack ALL your bags and leave. You're not boyfriend-girlfriend that you just say "Assalamu alaikum" and leave if things don't work out. You're husband and wife and parents on top of that, so you've got to stay and clean up any mess you made.

                          Husbands and wives are supposed to be like garments to each other. One aspect of that is concealing each other's faults and weaknesses. As much as possible, try to keep things between the both of you. Don't involve your families into your marital lives unless it's a necessity because small issues often gets blown out of proportion.

                          Dragging more and more people makes things even more messier. He said.. She said.. He meant.. She meant.. He wants...She wants. It's embarassing for either spouse to have their flaws aired in public, especially in front of in-laws. It'll lead to long term resentment.

                          Besides, because of excessive love for their children, parents can sometimes be judgemental, like your parents telling you your husband doesn't care about you and doesn't want you, so you shouldn't go back. They don't want you to be depressed and think you'll be happy in their home, but, a woman's place after marriage is her husband's home. That is where her honour lies.

                          Similarly, both you and your husband want full custody of your kids for your selfish reasons, not realising your kids will only be truly happy if both their parents are together and love each other.

                          Instead of making a list of demands / conditions/ accusations to throw at each other before a reconciliation, I would advise you both to meet up privately, sit together and have a heart to heart talk. Ditch culture for once, you're a married couple, try to sort your issues out yourselves.

                          Firstly, apologize to one another for all the bygones, all the hurt, all the misunderstandings and misdoings and promise to begin things on a new slate. You were both happy together once, recreate those moments. Don't let your egos get in berween, don't play the blame-game. Just focus on how you'd like your life to be in future, which will be in the best interest for all of you, both of you and your kids.

                          May Allah grant you khair and reunite you guys with love and happiness and aafiyah.



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                          • #14
                            WSWRWB,

                            Tbh I don't remember (or perhaps haven't seen) your other posts so don't know enough background on your situation, but the fact that you've already mentioned physical and other abuse and that he wants to take your child away; these are pretty big clues that he's not a keeper. There's no sign that he's ever had any concern for you except during the earlier part of the marriage (I don't know if he was just on his best behaviour, whether he really cared or whether he was trying to give you a false sense of security so that he could later be abusive and you'd feel reluctant to leave). I don't know your culture or what support system would be available to you if you do become a single mother and I think your decision about your future should be partly based on that. Find out what your options are and as someone else has already said, get legal documents made so that your husband can't take the kids from you.
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                            • #15
                              You said you are not allowed to talk to eachother but he still managed to call a couple of days ago, like you said in your post. So maybe there is a way for you guys to talk but if it is just going to lead to arguments then best to talk when elders are there.

                              I also wanted to say something similar to what Neelu has said about him being good in the past. In the beginning people are usually trying to impress the other person even if that means being nice for a while. It is only after you lived with the person for a while you see them for who they are especially when faced with certain cirumstances.

                              Your parents do have a point if he has not asked about you especially as you are pregnant. Also in his reply to you Khalid55 said that if men really want something they will do anything in their power to get it. What has your husband done so far to show that he wants the marriage to work? You do not have to answer it but just think about it.

                              Also you have said that you won't get back unless he stops abusing you. How will you know he will actually stop doing that? Like when he gets into an abusive state how will he deal with the situation? Is he getting any help to deal with his anger issues?

                              With the children I don't think you should tell all your plans incase something goes wrong. You should keep documents safe with you and some money spare so if you need to leave you can do without him knowing. It would take a lot for me to trust someone even if he is my husband if he ever took my kid/s off me like that. You don't want to end up in a situation where he takes both your kids off you in the future.

                              I hope Allah swt eases your sufferings as it is not easy being pregnant and then having to deal with all these problems too. Yours is a tough situation but inshaAllah I hope you do find a solution to it. You should do istakharah and plenty of dua.

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