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  • Stoic Believer
    replied
    Originally posted by Sister_2009 View Post

    That could be true. It might also be that his alarm goes off too easily because he thinks his money is what makes him important or wanted, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
    Well with that kind of wealth, that is what's going to make him wanted. It will make him very attractive as a potential, whether he likes it or not.

    Obviously I don't know if OP is telling the whole story, but that family didn't give any indication that they cared about his character or religion. The father was ready to set the nikkah before even making sure he was a good man for his daughter.

    Leave a comment:


  • Sister_2009
    replied
    Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

    I think the fact that the father wanted to immediately set a date for the nikkah was what set off the gold digger alarm.
    That could be true. It might also be that his alarm goes off too easily because he thinks his money is what makes him important or wanted, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    Leave a comment:


  • shay5
    replied
    You really are all over the place...yes its great you've achieved financial success but what exactly are you looking for?

    You don't pray so most girls would reject a guy like you, despite your millions.

    , I need to improve on this which I can with the help of my Partner. As we can pray together, enjoy nice halal food and my gaze doesn't wonder around from person to person.
    I hate

    Leave a comment:


  • Stoic Believer
    replied
    I think the fact that the father wanted to immediately set a date for the nikkah was what set off the gold digger alarm.

    Leave a comment:


  • Sister_2009
    replied
    Originally posted by Fegave View Post
    Salamalikum Brothers & Sisters,

    I'm in a dilemma, I'm 25 years old and while most of you would consider me lucky which I'm thankful for alhamdulillah which I'm thankful to Allah for everything he has given me.

    I'm struggling to find a partner whom shares my values and would suit me the halal way. The ones who would suit me, reject me. Firstly, because I'm not good looking, Plus I don't hold any degrees or formal qualifications but with the grace of Allah, alhamdulliah I have built a company since leaving school which turns over in excess of 3.2 million pounds per year (Our accounts from 2016 - 2017) and as result - I enjoy a very good life.

    Now, when I visit the suitors I never tell them this, my own parents don't know my company's turnover. When I'm asked what I do, I tell the truth and say I work as a Manager for XXX (Company name hidden and Manager is job title that suits my work on daily basis) and when they ask about my education I tell that I have only achieved A levels and I didn't go to university. One Suitor who's Dad laughed when I said I don't have a degree really made me angry but I'm not an angry person. I'm always calm and collected so I laughed it off too. He told my parents; the conditions to marry his daughter would be I should have my own 2 bedroom house then he'll give his daughter to me. I thought to myself, "is your daughter a commodity" but at the same time understood his point as he wanted his daughter to be comfortable so that was it that.

    One family who my parents found through the mosque and I didn't realise this but i had done business with the sisters brother, so he knew me well and what I do for a living. When he saw that it was me his eyes/tone/posture changed which I can understand as he wants his sister to be comfortable and he took his dad out of the room and when they came back his dad was 100% happy for me to take his daughter and he wanted to set a nikkah date - I was thinking relax. when the daughter came into room - I'm not joking she could have been a model 9/10 for looks - Straight away I knew this relationship would be for money that's it. With respect I called it a day at their house and went back to ours.


    Now, what advice would you guys give me. I don't want to have a haram relationship which I could easily have from my social circles of being boyfriend and girlfriend. I want someone for who I am and not what I have. I also want a relationship for one year after doing nikkah(not sexual) champroned so she can see how live and work. I work in excess of 70 hours work plus 2 hours commute everyday. I really want to start a family - Also my sexual urges are making me go crazy, Fasting isn't cutting it anymore. Shall I just marry someone or am i being too picky?


    Thank you very much for your help and I hope I didn't rumble on too much.

    jazak allah khair

    Leave a comment:


  • Hijra
    replied
    If u think that sister is marrying you for money , why don't u ask her. Is she saying yes for money. Wud she marry u if u earned 1 pound.
    Even if she does it is not prohibited in islam regarding to Hadith . (choose 1 of 4, beauty, wealth, lineage, deen)
    Also Even if she chose ur money then she takes the risk that u might loose everything one day, as there is no guarantee in this life. And perhaps it is ur trial to be constantly gratitude to Allah wht u have gained. (Perhaps u doing already I don't know). May Allah put more barakah to ur business.



    Leave a comment:


  • Indefinable
    replied
    Originally posted by Fegave View Post


    Unfortunately , Yes I will be at work all day but I would make sure I take the family on holiday once every 2 months giving them my whole weeks worth of attention but once we're back the company will be priority

    My kids should understand once they're older that you can not have nice things without sacrifice the same you can not have Junnah without sacrifice.
    Nothing wrong with being hardworking and ambitious.

    There is something wrong with neglecting your wife/children.

    Learn the deen. That's more important than the millions you make. Hopefully it should give you some insight into the role of a husband and father.

    The man leads the home. He needs to be present. A holiday doesn't compensate for that.

    Just saying - get your priorities right In Sha Allaah.

    Leave a comment:


  • zi-zizou
    replied
    Originally posted by Fais View Post

    Sounds amazing ...
    ...Not if you miss Fajr.

    Leave a comment:


  • zi-zizou
    replied
    Originally posted by Fegave View Post
    Salamalikum Brothers & Sisters,

    I'm in a dilemma, I'm 25 years old and while most of you would consider me lucky which I'm thankful for alhamdulillah which I'm thankful to Allah for everything he has given me.

    I'm struggling to find a partner whom shares my values and would suit me the halal way. The ones who would suit me, reject me. Firstly, because I'm not good looking, Plus I don't hold any degrees or formal qualifications but with the grace of Allah, alhamdulliah I have built a company since leaving school which turns over in excess of 3.2 million pounds per year (Our accounts from 2016 - 2017) and as result - I enjoy a very good life.

    Now, when I visit the suitors I never tell them this, my own parents don't know my company's turnover. When I'm asked what I do, I tell the truth and say I work as a Manager for XXX (Company name hidden and Manager is job title that suits my work on daily basis) and when they ask about my education I tell that I have only achieved A levels and I didn't go to university. One Suitor who's Dad laughed when I said I don't have a degree really made me angry but I'm not an angry person. I'm always calm and collected so I laughed it off too. He told my parents; the conditions to marry his daughter would be I should have my own 2 bedroom house then he'll give his daughter to me. I thought to myself, "is your daughter a commodity" but at the same time understood his point as he wanted his daughter to be comfortable so that was it that.

    One family who my parents found through the mosque and I didn't realise this but i had done business with the sisters brother, so he knew me well and what I do for a living. When he saw that it was me his eyes/tone/posture changed which I can understand as he wants his sister to be comfortable and he took his dad out of the room and when they came back his dad was 100% happy for me to take his daughter and he wanted to set a nikkah date - I was thinking relax. when the daughter came into room - I'm not joking she could have been a model 9/10 for looks - Straight away I knew this relationship would be for money that's it. With respect I called it a day at their house and went back to ours.


    Now, what advice would you guys give me. I don't want to have a haram relationship which I could easily have from my social circles of being boyfriend and girlfriend. I want someone for who I am and not what I have. I also want a relationship for one year after doing nikkah(not sexual) champroned so she can see how live and work. I work in excess of 70 hours work plus 2 hours commute everyday. I really want to start a family - Also my sexual urges are making me go crazy, Fasting isn't cutting it anymore. Shall I just marry someone or am i being too picky?


    Thank you very much for your help and I hope I didn't rumble on too much.

    jazak allah khair
    Wsalam,

    Your hours should not be something to put off a potential. It's hours many people do, you are in a position to do something about those hours if you want too. If you run a business well it will include people you trust. You can delegate some tasks to save you a hour here or there. You could also move to be closer to work so this would save you some hours during the week.

    It also does not have to be like that long term. You are planning for the future when you don't know what it entails.
    Last edited by zi-zizou; 19-11-18, 09:28 PM.

    Leave a comment:


  • Nusaiba
    replied
    Ya'sin your posts nail this on the head. I can't wrap my mind around this.

    Your work schedule is something you would have to disclose before nikah. Brother there is so much more that goes into a marriage than sex.

    You cannot spend the entire day out and then come home, maybe do the deed, wham bam thank you ma'am, and then fall asleep for the next day. She may come to resent you no matter how good of a life you give her. I know I would. I would feel used and realize I'm always second to work.

    It doesn't matter if you marry a woman from back home as you say. She's human as well and may struggle with the same issues.

    And as for kids realizing you have to work hard to have a certain kind of life. Hah I've heard this so often but Yknow what the kids of rich kids often say after turning out disfunctional? They didn't want the money, they wanted the memories. They wanted the time, the connection, the love. If you keep this schedule you may never even see your children until those vacation times! What kind of life is that? Authubillah.


    Remember, the poor believers enter jannah first. Prioritize the right things in life akhi.

    Leave a comment:


  • Ya'sin
    replied
    What are your values?

    ​​​​​Forgive me but it sounds like your life is all about your company. It's the main thing you value and then family (wife, children) come second.

    Providing for your wife and offsprings is important.
    In this case you have money and I think you can change the amount of time you put in for the sake of a healthy family life.

    Don't give up, I am sure you will find someone but I think you should start making religion part of your life now. Don't rely on your wife for that.
    ​​​​​​Commitment isn't one way.

    ​​​​​

    (There are sisters who are carers (looking after an ill family member like their mum or dad), I think a sister like that might understand issues with time so proposals like that are worth considering, especially if you didn't feel comfortable with career oriented sisters)

    Last edited by Ya'sin; 19-11-18, 07:57 PM.

    Leave a comment:


  • Ya'sin
    replied
    Originally posted by Fegave View Post


    I will admit, I'm not as a religious as one should be. I admit, I need to improve on this which I can with the help of my Partner. As we can pray together, enjoy nice halal food and my gaze doesn't wonder around from person to person.

    Time is not a luxury for me, I was diagnosed as to being addicted to work. When you building something from Zero to something it is now - It is impossible to not commit your time to it and I would want my partner to respect that.


    In your original post you mentioned about girls that would suit you reject you

    In what ways did they suit you? And why did they reject you?

    You don't have to answer these questions

    As I have said before, these are just my opinions but saying you need the help of a spouse is unappealing because you need to start prioritising religion now

    When are you going to pray with your wife when you're at work all day?

    Being addicted to work at such a young age could be an issue when it comes to marriage.

    The question is, how much time is committed to your religion.

    There are sisters out there that will be fine with you being at work majority of the time, they might not even question your whereabouts. I would want to get involved and know what happens at your work and who you work with.

    ​​​​​Your mum's suggestion sounds ok but you should find out what the girls are like when you meet them

    I'm not saying abandon your efforts of creating a company but once married, a sister (I definetly expect this daily from my husband) will want you to priortise your marriage. You can't neglect it.
    This doesn't mean a wife will be clingy but you need to show some effort for the marriage.

    How much will you lose if you cut those hours, can't you recruit another manager or have an office at home?

    I think you should consider this because committing your life to work (who knows for how long) can result in other issues.



    ​​​​​

    Leave a comment:


  • Fegave
    replied
    Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
    You say you want to start a family but WHERE is your TIME


    ​​​​​​Are you going to be at work ALL day

    Very important for children to see the father and this does not mean at bed time

    You should pray with them, recite with them etc

    Unfortunately , Yes I will be at work all day but I would make sure I take the family on holiday once every 2 months giving them my whole weeks worth of attention but once we're back the company will be priority

    My kids should understand once they're older that you can not have nice things without sacrifice the same you can not have Junnah without sacrifice.

    Leave a comment:


  • Fegave
    replied
    Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
    Waalikumsalam,

    Welcome to the forum

    If you fear people marrying you for your money then carry on saying you're a manager without saying you're a millionaire.

    I would want to know what company and Google it, it's easy to find basic information online.

    Speak to the girls when you meet them with their mahrams, ask them questions and find out what they're looking for.

    Once you have a nikah it means you are islamically married and she doesn't need her wali with her. You can have husband and wife relations after the nikah has taken place.


    ​​​
    Are you someone that has recently started to take religion seriously? You don't need to answer this but I have to be honest that it's a little bit worrying you weren't sure about nikah. Again, EVERY girl is different. I'm just giving you my feelings on it, please don't think everyone will have the same opinions as me.
    ​​​

    Regarding your working hours, this would be too much for me. I would like to see the husband home and spend time with the spouse.

    I would definitely have rejected (my parents were on my case so it was tough) even if I knew you were a millionaire, marriage requires time and you cannot buy time.
    What is the point of marriage if I only see my husband at night time? I would probably have a rant at him and say why did you get married then.
    I would become suspicious and think what are you, an undercover working for MI5 or something. *Snorts*
    it's the same if you were a trainee doctor for example, doing long shifts
    A levels are fine because you having a 'good' job makes up for it as well as the fact that you can provide separate accommodation.

    Can't you cut down on your hours? Don't you want to?
    I understand you're 25 and unable to control your feelings but marriage does require commitment.
    You will have challenging days and it will require effort.

    I think if you could cut down on those hours then you should be able to find a decent sister in Sha Allah

    Not everyone is interested in money, also just because a sister might be good looking doesn't mean she is a gold digger.

    Decent sisters are good looking too and they don't need gunk on their faces because they can be confident without all that fake business.






    I will admit, I'm not as a religious as one should be. I admit, I need to improve on this which I can with the help of my Partner. As we can pray together, enjoy nice halal food and my gaze doesn't wonder around from person to person.

    Time is not a luxury for me, I was diagnosed as to being addicted to work. When you building something from Zero to something it is now - It is impossible to not commit your time to it and I would want my partner to respect that.


    Also, I don't want to mention my company as it is an open forum and people will start calling and wasting our time.

    Last edited by Fegave; 19-11-18, 07:16 PM.

    Leave a comment:


  • Ya'sin
    replied
    You say you want to start a family but WHERE is your TIME


    ​​​​​​Are you going to be at work ALL day

    Very important for children to see the father and this does not mean at bed time

    You should pray with them, recite with them etc

    Leave a comment:

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