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  • Problem Finding Suitable Partner

    Salamalikum Brothers & Sisters,

    I'm in a dilemma, I'm 25 years old and while most of you would consider me lucky which I'm thankful for alhamdulillah which I'm thankful to Allah for everything he has given me.

    I'm struggling to find a partner whom shares my values and would suit me the halal way. The ones who would suit me, reject me. Firstly, because I'm not good looking, Plus I don't hold any degrees or formal qualifications but with the grace of Allah, alhamdulliah I have built a company since leaving school which turns over in excess of 3.2 million pounds per year (Our accounts from 2016 - 2017) and as result - I enjoy a very good life.

    Now, when I visit the suitors I never tell them this, my own parents don't know my company's turnover. When I'm asked what I do, I tell the truth and say I work as a Manager for XXX (Company name hidden and Manager is job title that suits my work on daily basis) and when they ask about my education I tell that I have only achieved A levels and I didn't go to university. One Suitor who's Dad laughed when I said I don't have a degree really made me angry but I'm not an angry person. I'm always calm and collected so I laughed it off too. He told my parents; the conditions to marry his daughter would be I should have my own 2 bedroom house then he'll give his daughter to me. I thought to myself, "is your daughter a commodity" but at the same time understood his point as he wanted his daughter to be comfortable so that was it that.

    One family who my parents found through the mosque and I didn't realise this but i had done business with the sisters brother, so he knew me well and what I do for a living. When he saw that it was me his eyes/tone/posture changed which I can understand as he wants his sister to be comfortable and he took his dad out of the room and when they came back his dad was 100% happy for me to take his daughter and he wanted to set a nikkah date - I was thinking relax. when the daughter came into room - I'm not joking she could have been a model 9/10 for looks - Straight away I knew this relationship would be for money that's it. With respect I called it a day at their house and went back to ours.


    Now, what advice would you guys give me. I don't want to have a haram relationship which I could easily have from my social circles of being boyfriend and girlfriend. I want someone for who I am and not what I have. I also want a relationship for one year after doing nikkah(not sexual) champroned so she can see how live and work. I work in excess of 70 hours work plus 2 hours commute everyday. I really want to start a family - Also my sexual urges are making me go crazy, Fasting isn't cutting it anymore. Shall I just marry someone or am i being too picky?


    Thank you very much for your help and I hope I didn't rumble on too much.

    jazak allah khair

  • #2
    The way you sound, I don't think you will be able to hold out another year getting to know her. Why would it have to take so long to get to know her? You can know this in about 3-4 months. I know you want to make sure that the woman isn't marrying you for money but you go to get past that and make yourself happy before you slip up and do something haram.
    The Prophet s.a.a.w warned when he said: "You will surely follow the ways of those who came before you, in exactly the same fashion, to the point were they to enter the hole of a lizard, you too would enter it." It was asked of him, "O Messenger of Allah s.a.a.w., do you mean the Jews and Christians?" He replied, "Who else?" (Bukhari and Muslim)

    Comment


    • #3
      If you're scared about people just coming for your money, tell them you earn over £25,000 a year through your business or something. That way you won't disclose the exact amount, it's not high enough to attract cash only people and your wife will just receive a big surprise after nikkah that over £25,000 actually means a 7 figure number or something.

      Also I don't think it's healthy looking at every potential as a gold digger either tbh. Tonnes of girls out there who look for other stuff like religion etc...

      After you get nikkah just treat her like a real wife. I don't see the need in this chaperone business after nikkah, it's just complicating stuff for no real reason.

      Comment


      • #4
        Walaykum assalam,

        Can you be more specific about what kind of girl you're looking for? Can't tell you if you're being too picky without that information.

        Also, why do you need a chaperoned relationship after nikkah? You realize at that point you are married to her and can be alone with her?

        Comment


        • #5

          jazak allah khair to all your for your replies.

          >Musbah - It is because of my lifestyle. I wake 06:00am everyday and I'm out of the house at 06:30am till 21:00hrs at night. Some partners will have problem with this and I don't want to be fighting when I come home.


          >Medic & Stoic Believer - I think I might have misunderstood, I thought the nikkah just mean't I was able to talk to her and look at her and after marriage I could have sexual relationship with her.


          >Stonic Believer I have no particular type but I do want a driven partner I don't care what field as long as she gives 150% to every thing she does. I also like to be challenged and not just agreed with it all the time. I have no desire for physical looks but I do want someone who takes care of their body health wise. The partner also to be okay with me travelling every 2 weeks for 2-3 days and once every 2 months for 2 weeks in the states.

          Comment


          • #6
            .
            Last edited by AmantuBillahi; 19-11-18, 04:46 PM. Reason: Mcy

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Fegave View Post
              jazak allah khair to all your for your replies.

              >Musbah - It is because of my lifestyle. I wake 06:00am everyday and I'm out of the house at 06:30am till 21:00hrs at night. Some partners will have problem with this and I don't want to be fighting when I come home.


              >Medic & Stoic Believer - I think I might have misunderstood, I thought the nikkah just mean't I was able to talk to her and look at her and after marriage I could have sexual relationship with her.


              >Stonic Believer I have no particular type but I do want a driven partner I don't care what field as long as she gives 150% to every thing she does. I also like to be challenged and not just agreed with it all the time. I have no desire for physical looks but I do want someone who takes care of their body health wise. The partner also to be okay with me travelling every 2 weeks for 2-3 days and once every 2 months for 2 weeks in the states.
              In islam the nikkah is the marriage. Unfortunately some cultures will still restrict the couple even after the nikkah because the "proper" ceremonies haven't been done yet.

              Sounds like you'd be suited to a more career oriented and ambitious type of woman. She'd have a good amount of her own money and might appreciate you more as who you are rather than the size of your wallet.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

                In islam the nikkah is the marriage. Unfortunately some cultures will still restrict the couple even after the nikkah because the "proper" ceremonies haven't been done yet.

                Sounds like you'd be suited to a more career oriented and ambitious type of woman. She'd have a good amount of her own money and might appreciate you more as who you are rather than the size of your wallet.
                Exactly, but all these career oriented Musilm's are just muslim by name.

                I think I might take my dear mother's suggestion of Marrying someone from Back home and making her sign a prenup but I would put some money aside for her in case if there is divorce.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Waalikumsalam,

                  Welcome to the forum

                  If you fear people marrying you for your money then carry on saying you're a manager without saying you're a millionaire.

                  I would want to know what company and Google it, it's easy to find basic information online.

                  Speak to the girls when you meet them with their mahrams, ask them questions and find out what they're looking for.

                  Once you have a nikah it means you are islamically married and she doesn't need her wali with her. You can have husband and wife relations after the nikah has taken place.


                  ​​​
                  Are you someone that has recently started to take religion seriously? You don't need to answer this but I have to be honest that it's a little bit worrying you weren't sure about nikah. Again, EVERY girl is different. I'm just giving you my feelings on it, please don't think everyone will have the same opinions as me.
                  ​​​

                  Regarding your working hours, this would be too much for me. I would like to see the husband home and spend time with the spouse.

                  I would definitely have rejected (my parents were on my case so it was tough) even if I knew you were a millionaire, marriage requires time and you cannot buy time.
                  What is the point of marriage if I only see my husband at night time? I would probably have a rant at him and say why did you get married then.
                  I would become suspicious and think what are you, an undercover working for MI5 or something. *Snorts*
                  it's the same if you were a trainee doctor for example, doing long shifts
                  A levels are fine because you having a 'good' job makes up for it as well as the fact that you can provide separate accommodation.

                  Can't you cut down on your hours? Don't you want to?
                  I understand you're 25 and unable to control your feelings but marriage does require commitment.
                  You will have challenging days and it will require effort.

                  I think if you could cut down on those hours then you should be able to find a decent sister in Sha Allah

                  Not everyone is interested in money, also just because a sister might be good looking doesn't mean she is a gold digger.

                  Decent sisters are good looking too and they don't need gunk on their faces because they can be confident without all that fake business.






                  'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                  So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Fegave View Post
                    I wake 06:00am everyday and I'm out of the house at 06:30am till 21:00hrs at night.
                    Sounds amazing ...

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      You say you want to start a family but WHERE is your TIME


                      ​​​​​​Are you going to be at work ALL day

                      Very important for children to see the father and this does not mean at bed time

                      You should pray with them, recite with them etc
                      'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                      So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
                        Waalikumsalam,

                        Welcome to the forum

                        If you fear people marrying you for your money then carry on saying you're a manager without saying you're a millionaire.

                        I would want to know what company and Google it, it's easy to find basic information online.

                        Speak to the girls when you meet them with their mahrams, ask them questions and find out what they're looking for.

                        Once you have a nikah it means you are islamically married and she doesn't need her wali with her. You can have husband and wife relations after the nikah has taken place.


                        ​​​
                        Are you someone that has recently started to take religion seriously? You don't need to answer this but I have to be honest that it's a little bit worrying you weren't sure about nikah. Again, EVERY girl is different. I'm just giving you my feelings on it, please don't think everyone will have the same opinions as me.
                        ​​​

                        Regarding your working hours, this would be too much for me. I would like to see the husband home and spend time with the spouse.

                        I would definitely have rejected (my parents were on my case so it was tough) even if I knew you were a millionaire, marriage requires time and you cannot buy time.
                        What is the point of marriage if I only see my husband at night time? I would probably have a rant at him and say why did you get married then.
                        I would become suspicious and think what are you, an undercover working for MI5 or something. *Snorts*
                        it's the same if you were a trainee doctor for example, doing long shifts
                        A levels are fine because you having a 'good' job makes up for it as well as the fact that you can provide separate accommodation.

                        Can't you cut down on your hours? Don't you want to?
                        I understand you're 25 and unable to control your feelings but marriage does require commitment.
                        You will have challenging days and it will require effort.

                        I think if you could cut down on those hours then you should be able to find a decent sister in Sha Allah

                        Not everyone is interested in money, also just because a sister might be good looking doesn't mean she is a gold digger.

                        Decent sisters are good looking too and they don't need gunk on their faces because they can be confident without all that fake business.






                        I will admit, I'm not as a religious as one should be. I admit, I need to improve on this which I can with the help of my Partner. As we can pray together, enjoy nice halal food and my gaze doesn't wonder around from person to person.

                        Time is not a luxury for me, I was diagnosed as to being addicted to work. When you building something from Zero to something it is now - It is impossible to not commit your time to it and I would want my partner to respect that.


                        Also, I don't want to mention my company as it is an open forum and people will start calling and wasting our time.

                        Last edited by Fegave; 19-11-18, 06:16 PM.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
                          You say you want to start a family but WHERE is your TIME


                          ​​​​​​Are you going to be at work ALL day

                          Very important for children to see the father and this does not mean at bed time

                          You should pray with them, recite with them etc

                          Unfortunately , Yes I will be at work all day but I would make sure I take the family on holiday once every 2 months giving them my whole weeks worth of attention but once we're back the company will be priority

                          My kids should understand once they're older that you can not have nice things without sacrifice the same you can not have Junnah without sacrifice.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Fegave View Post


                            I will admit, I'm not as a religious as one should be. I admit, I need to improve on this which I can with the help of my Partner. As we can pray together, enjoy nice halal food and my gaze doesn't wonder around from person to person.

                            Time is not a luxury for me, I was diagnosed as to being addicted to work. When you building something from Zero to something it is now - It is impossible to not commit your time to it and I would want my partner to respect that.


                            In your original post you mentioned about girls that would suit you reject you

                            In what ways did they suit you? And why did they reject you?

                            You don't have to answer these questions

                            As I have said before, these are just my opinions but saying you need the help of a spouse is unappealing because you need to start prioritising religion now

                            When are you going to pray with your wife when you're at work all day?

                            Being addicted to work at such a young age could be an issue when it comes to marriage.

                            The question is, how much time is committed to your religion.

                            There are sisters out there that will be fine with you being at work majority of the time, they might not even question your whereabouts. I would want to get involved and know what happens at your work and who you work with.

                            ​​​​​Your mum's suggestion sounds ok but you should find out what the girls are like when you meet them

                            I'm not saying abandon your efforts of creating a company but once married, a sister (I definetly expect this daily from my husband) will want you to priortise your marriage. You can't neglect it.
                            This doesn't mean a wife will be clingy but you need to show some effort for the marriage.

                            How much will you lose if you cut those hours, can't you recruit another manager or have an office at home?

                            I think you should consider this because committing your life to work (who knows for how long) can result in other issues.



                            ​​​​​
                            'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                            So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              What are your values?

                              ​​​​​Forgive me but it sounds like your life is all about your company. It's the main thing you value and then family (wife, children) come second.

                              Providing for your wife and offsprings is important.
                              In this case you have money and I think you can change the amount of time you put in for the sake of a healthy family life.

                              Don't give up, I am sure you will find someone but I think you should start making religion part of your life now. Don't rely on your wife for that.
                              ​​​​​​Commitment isn't one way.

                              ​​​​​

                              (There are sisters who are carers (looking after an ill family member like their mum or dad), I think a sister like that might understand issues with time so proposals like that are worth considering, especially if you didn't feel comfortable with career oriented sisters)

                              Last edited by Ya'sin; 19-11-18, 06:57 PM.
                              'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                              So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                              Comment

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