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  • Future mother in law not willing to accept marriage

    Salaam brothers and sisters,
    I recently embraced islam..I was born christian. My family is big and some of my aunts and uncles reverted to islam many years ago. Although i come from a practicing Christian home Islam is understood and respected by my family. I recently met with a friend who Ive known for years amd we have decieded we would like to get married and do things in the islamically correct way. My only concern is that his mother is completely against it because my family is Christian and because although i am also of indian descent I am not of the correct "caste" . As a new revert I find this very heartbreaking.. He explained to her that yes it would be difficult but as future parents we would strive to bring up our offspring with a staunch Islamic foundation. She said she would pray about it and speak to her imam but it has been a month with no answer. I feel as though shes just waiting for me to disappear. My dilemma is do i stay and wait for her to verbally accept and risk the heartbreak of never having my mother in law accept me (and maybe even the rest of his family) perhaps treat me badly ( he is the bread winner and we would all stay in the same house) or do I move on? I am a soft, patient girl who has the utmost respect for his parents even though i have not been formally introduced . I do not wish to come into his family and cause friction. Also theres my own parents to consider (she has already voiced her worry about letting our future kids visit my own family with them being christian). The situation is already difficult with us coming from families with two different religious backgrounds to not have my mother in law accept me or my family makes it ten times more difficult. As a new revert I find this very disheartening, it is not my place to judge and i understand that every one has their own way of thinking ( especially our older generation) but i cant help but feel disappointed.

  • #2
    May Allah make it easy for you in either direction you go. But I just don't get it how parents can make hostages of their kids and not let them seek their happiness. Caste mentality nothing but lingering remnants of Hindu Jahalilyah.
    "When a man sees the road as long he weakens in his walk." Ibn Qayyim

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    • #3
      Wa alaykum salaam

      Aww, that's so sad. It is a culture thing. I had to jump through hoops to get married as well because my husbands family was from a different part of the same country. It took a year just for our fathers to talk and agree, during which time we had to put in a lot of dua and some convincing.

      Thankfully he did as did his mother, alhamdulillah. I love that you have a good head on your shoulders and realize that as difficult as in laws may be, their consent is very important. All this nonsense people get in their heads about running away or eloping is silly and ultimately often destructive.

      If she agrees, then I would spend some time with her prior to marriage if it's possible. If she hates you, I would struggle to say it's worth it. My MIL went from feeling nothing about me (not positive or too negative) to liking me after I lived with them for a month and a half and truly dedicated myself to loving her like I do my own mother. So going from neutral to positive isn't impossible, but going from negative to positive is a lot of effort and can be an uphill battle.

      Pray istikhaarah. If you want to know more about it we can tell you but basically if you seek Allah's counsel by these means He will make easy what's best for you and create hardships if it's not. Afterward if you still feel strongly you can perhaps wait a bit and then move on. If it's meant to be it may come back around inshaAllah..

      In the meantime, avoid taking to him privately or haraam things which may make you like him more and learn more about Islam. Focus on you and Allah will match you with your perfect pair inshaAllah, whether it's him or someone else!

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      • #4
        Shukran for the advice Nusaiba. I know everything is negative from her side, and im worried about having to have to prove myself to a woman who doesn't want to see any positive in my presence. There are so many other negative things in this life that we should put our energy into fighting off and for me fighting parents is definitely not something i want to do. I have already made istikhaara and the answer was positive for us to get married . I just dont know how to deal to his mothers "non-answer" i will however take your advice and refrain from contact. Inshallah everything will work out for the best in the end.

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        • #5
          parents permission is not necessary to merry for men in islam,

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          • #6
            Originally posted by J2018 View Post
            Shukran for the advice Nusaiba. I know everything is negative from her side, and im worried about having to have to prove myself to a woman who doesn't want to see any positive in my presence. There are so many other negative things in this life that we should put our energy into fighting off and for me fighting parents is definitely not something i want to do. I have already made istikhaara and the answer was positive for us to get married . I just dont know how to deal to his mothers "non-answer" i will however take your advice and refrain from contact. Inshallah everything will work out for the best in the end.

            Can you please update us with your situation? We’re you able to get any answer from your future mother in law? Also are oh still in contact with the guy ?

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Nusaiba View Post
              Wa alaykum salaam

              Aww, that's so sad. It is a culture thing. I had to jump through hoops to get married as well because my husbands family was from a different part of the same country. It took a year just for our fathers to talk and agree, during which time we had to put in a lot of dua and some convincing.

              Thankfully he did as did his mother, alhamdulillah. I love that you have a good head on your shoulders and realize that as difficult as in laws may be, their consent is very important. All this nonsense people get in their heads about running away or eloping is silly and ultimately often destructive.

              If she agrees, then I would spend some time with her prior to marriage if it's possible. If she hates you, I would struggle to say it's worth it. My MIL went from feeling nothing about me (not positive or too negative) to liking me after I lived with them for a month and a half and truly dedicated myself to loving her like I do my own mother. So going from neutral to positive isn't impossible, but going from negative to positive is a lot of effort and can be an uphill battle.

              Pray istikhaarah. If you want to know more about it we can tell you but basically if you seek Allah's counsel by these means He will make easy what's best for you and create hardships if it's not. Afterward if you still feel strongly you can perhaps wait a bit and then move on. If it's meant to be it may come back around inshaAllah..

              In the meantime, avoid taking to him privately or haraam things which may make you like him more and learn more about Islam. Focus on you and Allah will match you with your perfect pair inshaAllah, whether it's him or someone else!
              Everyhting you said is absolutely correct and eloquently put. I am in a kind of similar position but I believe a little bit more complicated, I would like to talk to you sister and see how you can advise me. What is the best way to do so ? Can we private message here on this website

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Zkhan2310 View Post

                Everyhting you said is absolutely correct and eloquently put. I am in a kind of similar position but I believe a little bit more complicated, I would like to talk to you sister and see how you can advise me. What is the best way to do so ? Can we private message here on this website

                Your situation is not similar.

                In the OP's case, both the boy and girl want to get married to one another but their families haven't given their consent.

                In your case, your ex-boyfriend clearly does NOT want to marry you and has rejected you over 50 times. Inspite of being told off multiple times, you continue living in a false dream that he will one day change his mind & accept you. I think it's as useful to advise you as useful a mirror is to a blind person.

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                • #9
                  Assalaamu Alaykum,

                  You mentioned you have Muslim family members, so who is your wali and what is his thoughts on this matter?
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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post


                    Your situation is not similar.

                    In the OP's case, both the boy and girl want to get married to one another but their families haven't given their consent.

                    In your case, your ex-boyfriend clearly does NOT want to marry you and has rejected you over 50 times. Inspite of being told off multiple times, you continue living in a false dream that he will one day change his mind & accept you. I think it's as useful to advise you as useful a mirror is to a blind person.
                    Before you speak please think about your words, they can hurt the reader even if it doesn’t concern them.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Zkhan2310 View Post

                      Before you speak please think about your words, they can hurt the reader even if it doesn’t concern them.
                      Oh please, do not make me the villain here. Which reader's feelings were hurt by my words here except yours?

                      You were advised plenty of times - nicely - by several users to move on as your ex-lover himself said he doesn't want you. Yet you continue pursuing him and come here asking the same questions in different ways seeking false hope. Nobody can give you a magic potion to make him come back to your life and want you like you want him.

                      Be honest with yourself - being told the truth that there isn't any chance is what's hurting you because you're too deeply invested in the relationship. And it will continue hurting you the longer you hold on. So, for your own sanity and peace of mind, let it go. There are far, far greater things ahead in life than any we leave behind.


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                      • #12
                        People like to be told what they want to hear not what they need to know.
                        "When a man sees the road as long he weakens in his walk." Ibn Qayyim

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post

                          Oh please, do not make me the villain here. Which reader's feelings were hurt by my words here except yours?

                          You were advised plenty of times - nicely - by several users to move on as your ex-lover himself said he doesn't want you. Yet you continue pursuing him and come here asking the same questions in different ways seeking false hope. Nobody can give you a magic potion to make him come back to your life and want you like you want him.

                          Be honest with yourself - being told the truth that there isn't any chance is what's hurting you because you're too deeply invested in the relationship. And it will continue hurting you the longer you hold on. So, for your own sanity and peace of mind, let it go. There are far, far greater things ahead in life than any we leave behind.


                          Anyone who is possibly going through the same thing can read what you wrote and get hurt regardless of whatever efforts they are making to move forward, it’s extremly discouraging for me to read this even though I have taken the high road and have changed my ways. You are being extremely harsh in the way you even give advice, there are plenty people who say the exact thing but in a reasonable, calm manner. I am content with what I have And what I had to go through, all I am saying is you should please carefully write what you want to convey to people that is all.

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