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  • Marriage and issue with working wife

    Asalam Alyikum,

    I have been reading forums for quite a long time. Need to discuss issue i am facing in marriage.
    Me and wife are married for 5 years.

    1.I worked in London and my wife worked in US at the time of marriage, but after marriage we decided to move to US.So she sponsored me.

    2.we are trying to have kid but there are some complications.

    3. after moving to US i got job in different state but my wife didn't come with me because she was persistent that she cannot leave or change her job

    4. After working 1 year in different state i tried to move back where my wife was. because long distance relation was effecting our relation and we were fighting due to job n all.

    5. So luckily i was able to find the job in same state as my wife and but my wife said she cannot leave her parents ( she and i ) have to live at same place so when i got my own place she took her parents and sister with her. instead of paying for separate rent she start sharing some expense with me. but i knew it will not work as it was not about money and expenses it was about living with wife's parents and sister.

    6. after so many arguments and fights and living with her parents for 1 year . she moved her parents out and got a apartment for them.

    7.at the time of marriage she mentioned she will be working even after marriage and i am ok with it.but recently it has been effecting our lives. she is the eldest daughter out of three. She is the only one who does the full time job and earn for her parents. She has no plan of living the job at all in future.But it was never mentioned before marriage that she will be earning and doing full time job for her parents. now the problems are

    a. she works full time leaves home at 8am and come back at 8pm. (monday to friday)
    b. everything she earns goes to her parents. and her parents are not compromising on anything for example we pay rent of 1500 but her parents are living in 1800 luxury apartment.
    c. They have extended family here so her mother is hosting dinner or tea almost every other week.
    d. The middle daughter she has a kid and she does not work at all so daily she brings her kid to her mother. eat there buy stuff and food from my wife's credit card and take some food home for her husband and father in law.

    Now my main issue is my wife works full time 12 hour shift i am not asking for her money but she has not interest in house chores, cleaning , decorations etc. after fighting and arguments now she cooks on weekend (whatever she can) and we eat it throughout the week. on the other hand her sister who has kid only focus on home and cooks n all.

    although she earns and can afford to support her parents. but she is constantly asking me to pay for her car fuel expenses which she has to drive for work. pay her phone bill , pay her car insurance etc. So can i say no ? as she is working and can afford it and doesn't help me in house chores.

    i do all the house cleaning , laundry , most of the dishes.

    Recently my parents visiting me from pak but she is fighting every other day that she cannot live with them although most of the time she spend at work.she doesn't behave nicely with my parents. now my 60 year old mother cooks daily and help me in household chores.


    i have asked and fight our many times that all sisters should be working part time to support their parent not only my wife. and parents should cut down some luxury of life as well. Like mother should sale the car which she doesnt drive. move into cheaper apartment ,reduce dinner invitation , hosting dawat etc.

    There are some point when she ask for separation and in anger i try to consider them too. Just wanted to know your guys opinion.




  • #2
    Walaikum asalaam

    I think it has got to this stage because from your post it seems like your wife gets her way and does not listen to you. You are partly at fault too because you should have been firm with her from the beginning. You are the husband and she should listen to you especially if you don't want her to work.

    She might feel she has the upper hand as she is the one who sponsered you. Like she has done you some sort of favour so she can treat you how she likes.

    You need to act more like a man/husband. Go and talk to her parents. Do not let this woman walk over you. You cannot let her disrespect your parents either.

    Perhaps get a third person like imam or mutual friend involved to talk to her and you.

    May Allah swt help you solve your problems.
    Last edited by Mintchocchip; 14-11-18, 07:04 PM.

    Comment


    • #3
      Sorry but this doesn't sound like a marriage and it seems lke she wears the trousers in the relationship.

      Also you seem to be getting walked all over. You do all the domestic chores, work and pay your wife's bills. What are you getting out of this marriage? A visa? If it's worth the visa then continue as you are but you need to read up on what it is to be a husband in Islam. You have rights over her and vice versa.



      i have asked and fight our many times that all sisters should be working part time to support their parent not only my wife. and parents should cut down some luxury of life as well. Like mother should sale the car which she doesnt drive. move into cheaper apartment ,reduce dinner invitation , hosting dawat etc.
      and what did she say to this? Your demands are fair.


      Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

      Comment


      • #4
        Oh dear.

        See with only one side you can't really have an opinion on this. Feels like a can of worms and you really need to seek counseling.

        Comment


        • #5
          need professional / Islamic guidance along with a spine....

          Comment


          • #6
            I feel really bad for your wife. Reading your post, made me feel bad for her. Poor girl is being fooled by her family, her parents are taking advantage of her including her sister. Do they love your wife less than they love the other daughters? I feel bad for her because she has been raised to believe that her purpose in life is to take care of her family, to be the men in her family. She brought that b.s and she has dedicated her wealth, her energy and her happiness for her family. Every family sucks one kid who sacrificing everything for greater good only at old age do those kids realize how much they have sacrificed and sometimes being selfish isn't so bad.

            On the other hand, your inlaws don't have any son. They were worried about their old age & did not want to be left alone. Unfortunately our society is designed such that parents of all girls can't expect much from their married daughter. so the parents used emotion to secure their future, rightfully so, but they failed to evenly distribute the burden on all their kids. Your wife stepped up to the plate & rest of the siblings breathed sigh of relief. Your wife is not completely at fault and your inlaws are not evil but there is no balance.. Your job is to help your wife see the need for balance. It will be hard because being a provider for her parents is a core identity for her & to get her to see the bigger picture will be hard. But you have to try gently.

            Have you ever had the discussion with your FIL about your wife lack of personal life because she works all day? or that she doesn't do any chores around the house & you are stuck. I agree with you that your wife needs to set boundary, that your inlaws need to lower their standard of living & your other SIL should pitch in however they can. You have to do it gently and tactfully. Have future discussion with her about kids and how will she continue to manage work, family and parents? Ask why your SIL has your wife's credit card, that you have no problem her helping her family but she needs to set boundary. Give them 75% of her income and keep 25% for her own expense. Start at something small & get her to see how much self destruction she is creating in the name of her parents & if you guys ever get to separation stage, let your inlaws know they are at fault for this.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Kya View Post
              I feel really bad for your wife. Reading your post, made me feel bad for her. Poor girl is being fooled by her family, her parents are taking advantage of her including her sister. Do they love your wife less than they love the other daughters? I feel bad for her because she has been raised to believe that her purpose in life is to take care of her family, to be the men in her family. She brought that b.s and she has dedicated her wealth, her energy and her happiness for her family. Every family sucks one kid who sacrificing everything for greater good only at old age do those kids realize how much they have sacrificed and sometimes being selfish isn't so bad.

              On the other hand, your inlaws don't have any son. They were worried about their old age & did not want to be left alone. Unfortunately our society is designed such that parents of all girls can't expect much from their married daughter. so the parents used emotion to secure their future, rightfully so, but they failed to evenly distribute the burden on all their kids. Your wife stepped up to the plate & rest of the siblings breathed sigh of relief. Your wife is not completely at fault and your inlaws are not evil but there is no balance.. Your job is to help your wife see the need for balance. It will be hard because being a provider for her parents is a core identity for her & to get her to see the bigger picture will be hard. But you have to try gently.

              Have you ever had the discussion with your FIL about your wife lack of personal life because she works all day? or that she doesn't do any chores around the house & you are stuck. I agree with you that your wife needs to set boundary, that your inlaws need to lower their standard of living & your other SIL should pitch in however they can. You have to do it gently and tactfully. Have future discussion with her about kids and how will she continue to manage work, family and parents? Ask why your SIL has your wife's credit card, that you have no problem her helping her family but she needs to set boundary. Give them 75% of her income and keep 25% for her own expense. Start at something small & get her to see how much self destruction she is creating in the name of her parents & if you guys ever get to separation stage, let your inlaws know they are at fault for this.
              Agreed.

              All those saying the OP's wife is terrible, read what Sr Kya has written.

              OP - your wife has taken on an incredible responsibility of her parents' financial upkeep.

              She works hard every day. Her parents rely on her. I'm going to assume she has no brothers.

              Maybe she doesn't understand your grievances, but you should understand that your wife has been conditioned like this for years. She can't just abandon her parents so that she can wash dishes at home. It will take her time to transition into that lifestyle.

              You should bring this up with her, speak to her parents too.

              Be patient and give her time In Sha Allaah.


              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Indefinable View Post

                Agreed.

                All those saying the OP's wife is terrible, read what Sr Kya has written.

                OP - your wife has taken on an incredible responsibility of her parents' financial upkeep.

                She works hard every day. Her parents rely on her. I'm going to assume she has no brothers.

                Maybe she doesn't understand your grievances, but you should understand that your wife has been conditioned like this for years. She can't just abandon her parents so that she can wash dishes at home. It will take her time to transition into that lifestyle.

                You should bring this up with her, speak to her parents too.

                Be patient and give her time In Sha Allaah.

                actually also agree with last 2 posts .... common sense does prevail sometimes on these forums.... but i sense that perhaps the OP in question may have tried these things and not been successful, and how much of that could be becuase of the wifes point of view /resonses/reactions etc....

                Comment


                • #9
                  Tell her you are concerned about all this and explain to her how much it is effecting your marriage because you both hardly spend time with each other. What's the point of getting married then?

                  How long will she carry on working like this, there is always a breaking point. She is only human. 9-5 was deadly enough for me.

                  Your request for her to cut down on the luxury apartment is reasonable. I understand she might feel like giving her family the best, that's okay if your marriage is surviving but it's not.

                  All this stress is not good especially if you're trying for a baby.

                  Has she thought about how things will change if you are blessed with a baby?

                  8am till 8pm is slavery, how does she have time for a life?

                  Treat her, make her feel special, speak to her when you are both in a good mood and instead of blaming her, make her understand. Tell her how you feel.
                  Marriage is a priority but you can still care for your parents.

                  Also, remember you didn't like living with her family so be patient with how she feels the same way as you.
                  She is probably taking the stress out on you.

                  I agree with the other sisters saying to give her time come around but definitely talk to her at the right time.

                  Don't throw your marriage away, too much of that happening over silly things.

                  'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                  So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Thank you all for response.
                    answer to some of the question. I have tried talking to her politely even with her parent
                    her father doesn't work so his response " its her (my wife's) decision she can leave job we are not forcing her
                    her mother said she cannot leave job as she has to feed us we dont have any source of income , and being in a western culture you should be helping and doing all your tasks by yourself.
                    Took her to islamic counseling . even professional advise her to cut down job hours and focus on house and ask other sisters to chip in.
                    but after 2 months nothing has change.

                    Now the fights we are having is that she wants me to pay her Car fuel, insurances and send my parents back to pak

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Speak to her parents but tbh if they're making their daughter work like this, I don't think they'll have much to offer as advise but at least they'll know their daughter's marriage is at stake.
                      'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                      So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        sounds like you've tried most things.... next step for you I would say is to get to the root of the issues and that may involve marriage counseling and/ or Islamic scholar counseling...

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by j2005222 View Post
                          Thank you all for response.
                          answer to some of the question. I have tried talking to her politely even with her parent
                          her father doesn't work so his response " its her (my wife's) decision she can leave job we are not forcing her
                          her mother said she cannot leave job as she has to feed us we dont have any source of income , and being in a western culture you should be helping and doing all your tasks by yourself.
                          Took her to islamic counseling . even professional advise her to cut down job hours and focus on house and ask other sisters to chip in.
                          but after 2 months nothing has change.

                          Now the fights we are having is that she wants me to pay her Car fuel, insurances and send my parents back to pak

                          That's tricky, after trying Islamic counselling

                          I don't think you should pay the car fuel and insurances otherwise the cycle won't break

                          She can still help her parents but it won't hurt for her to ask the other siblings to help out. It's all their responsibility, not hers alone.

                          To live comfortably, the parents don't need a luxury apartment. This could help her to cut down working hours and spend time with you.

                          Make dua for your marriage

                          I don't know what to suggest, especially after you've tried everything

                          Maybe someone else can help
                          'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                          So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Two thoughts I had, firstly that be careful how you speak to your parents because your negativity may bleed into them and she can sense it, causing the negative feelings. I have things I don't like about my husband but I never involve the parents.

                            Don't complain to them about her, make sure to say good things sometimes too. Like that she's a hard worker etc.

                            Secondly, separation isn't divorce. However, separating with no plans of how to progress is also just a slow death. Are you still committed to this relationship or have you given up? Both of you. You should ask her as well. Because a relationship is more than just money.

                            You're asking if it's fair for her to ask you to pay for things, when that's not even the main issue! You can't just treat the symptoms when the disease lies below. The core issue is if you both have the desire to even keep trying, because clearly your post shows how much resentment there is at the moment. And that animosity is driving the fights. It's not even about chores or her working, it's about not feeling valued and neglected. That's what's important to talk about. Tell her how you feel without making her the problem, as in "I feel like I'm a second priority to you after your family. I know they need you but I need you too. I know you have a long day but I would love to see more of you. I'd love to get to know you better." etc

                            Bring more Islam into your life and begin with your own repentance. You'll find scholars have spoken on this . ..
                            ​​​​​
                            ​​​​Allahu alem. May Allah make it easier for you both

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                            • #15
                              Also, while studying psychology after dozens of studies, it has shown that there are four qualities which define a failing relationship heading to divorce. I attached them below. Worth a thought ..
                              ​​​​​​https://cdn.gottman.com/wp-content/u...Social-2-1.png

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