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Please advise on dispute between husband and wife over wedding

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  • Please advise on dispute between husband and wife over wedding

    Assalamalaikum everyone.
    Me and my wife have been married for 18 months and now have a 6 month old baby. My wife was aware of my previous 2 children from my first marriage aged 10 and 8 and they came to our wedding( in uk).
    My brother in law has an upcoming wedding and their family have requested that my 2 eldest children do not sit at the head table with their father and baby but sit with their grandparents and family at a seperate table(my mother). They have requested that the children should avoid meeting me at the wedding until after the wedding. They state that the reason for this is that they have not told anyone in their family/friends about the children from previous marriage and therefore would like to keep it that way.
    Myself and my family feel this is an inapproprite request. My wife and her family feel it is an appropriate request.

    Please can brothers and sisters give impartial advice on this sensitive issue.

    jazakhallah khair

  • #2
    Wow that is highly inappropriate, your wifes family since they agreed for you to marry her meant that they should have agreed and awknowleged that you do infact have kids from another marriage, they should have told you from the start that they have a problem with it! Not NOW! You should fight for your children’s right because its haram for you to treat them this way, its haram for you to place them far from you and your wife just to please her family, i suggest you speak to her and her family and state that you will not do that to your kids because that is haram and you do not tolerate. You should stand up for them now because if you do not put your foot down from now in the future she will neglect your other children and hold hostility towards them such as you going on vacation and demanding your children should NOT be involved trust me.. becareful

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Iofthetiger View Post
      Assalamalaikum everyone.
      Me and my wife have been married for 18 months and now have a 6 month old baby. My wife was aware of my previous 2 children from my first marriage aged 10 and 8 and they came to our wedding( in uk).
      My brother in law has an upcoming wedding and their family have requested that my 2 eldest children do not sit at the head table with their father and baby but sit with their grandparents and family at a seperate table(my mother). They have requested that the children should avoid meeting me at the wedding until after the wedding. They state that the reason for this is that they have not told anyone in their family/friends about the children from previous marriage and therefore would like to keep it that way.
      Myself and my family feel this is an inapproprite request. My wife and her family feel it is an appropriate request.

      Please can brothers and sisters give impartial advice on this sensitive issue.

      jazakhallah khair
      Wa alaykumus salaam,

      So they hid something from people which is perfectly fine, a good trait, you love and take care of your kids from your previous marriage and they want you to hide that as well because some cultural retarded people might find it uncomfortable?

      Yeah it's inappropriate and no they are not being reasonable, these are your kids, don't hide them with shame just because they seem to feel that way, they and you have done nothing wrong here. Your wife and in-laws have by hiding things from people.
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      • #4
        Originally posted by Iofthetiger View Post
        Assalamalaikum everyone.
        Me and my wife have been married for 18 months and now have a 6 month old baby. My wife was aware of my previous 2 children from my first marriage aged 10 and 8 and they came to our wedding( in uk).
        My brother in law has an upcoming wedding and their family have requested that my 2 eldest children do not sit at the head table with their father and baby but sit with their grandparents and family at a seperate table(my mother). They have requested that the children should avoid meeting me at the wedding until after the wedding. They state that the reason for this is that they have not told anyone in their family/friends about the children from previous marriage and therefore would like to keep it that way.
        Myself and my family feel this is an inapproprite request. My wife and her family feel it is an appropriate request.

        Please can brothers and sisters give impartial advice on this sensitive issue.

        jazakhallah khair
        I agree with posts so far.

        You really need to put your foot down. If they get away with this one it will be only the beginning of worse to come.

        What will they say if anyone asks your mother who the children are? Poor kids. Better they don't mix with such people or attend such wedding.

        Who are they to tell you not to meet your children? You should just say well if that is the case then you won't attend the wedding. Don't let these people dictate how you should treat your children.

        Think of it from the children's point of view too. How will they feel? They will feel now that you have a new child you are not showing them the same love and affection and they WILL FEEL HURT AND REJECTED though they may not say it to you.

        You have an obligation to your children far greater than to your wifes family. Your children came before these people so do not let them put your children last.

        Brother this is a very serious issue. It may be a taste of what is to come. What will you do on other family gatherings such as eid?

        Thank Allah swt that it has been revealed to you how these people feel about your children.

        May Allah swt guide you to do what is right.
        Last edited by Mintchocchip; 10-11-18, 05:25 PM.

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        • #5
          I don't get it, why are your first marriage kids invited to your BRO IN LAW's wedding?

          It's stupid that they have kept your kids a secret, your wife should have never agreed to that. But personally since this is the bro in law's wedding I wouldn't kick up a fuss about having your kids attend. Although they need to be confronted about their lying.

          If they were embarassed that you had 2 kids from a previous marriage then they should never have allowed their sister to marry you...
          Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

          Comment


          • #6
            I have to agree with Shay
            if they are so embarrassed, why even invite them?
            ​​​​​​
            To insult someone with that kind of a request after inviting them is worse.

            Tell your wife you are highly offended and this is unacceptable and tell them that you're kids will not be attending the wedding.


            Just because her family are saying it's fine doesn't make it correct.
            'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

            So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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            • #7
              Why create such a big fuss over a wedding which lasts only a few hours?

              If your wife's family did not tell all their friends and relatives that their daughter's husband has 2 children from his previous marriage, that's their issue. In some societies, people can be extremely judgemental, so, I can understand why they chose to conceal details of their daughter's personal life from strangers. As long as they accepted you with bag and baggage, it's okay.

              It's your brother in-law's wedding after all, if your family feels so strongly about it, then, your parents and kids should not attend. In fact, I think her family would highly prefer it if your kids did not attend, they just gave invitations out of formality. It's quite unreasonable to ask 8 and 10 year old kids to pretend like their dad is a stranger at a function.

              If you had more than one wife, it's not compulsary that the family of one wife treat children from your other wives as VIP's in their family weddings.

              Like it or not, people only adore their own flesh and blood. You may love all your kids equally, but your wife's family is never going to accept your other kids as much as your wife's own kids. Instead of getting offended, just accept reality. We live in an imperfect duniya, not utopia.

              So, be smart and take the hints they're throwing at you.



              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Iofthetiger View Post
                Assalamalaikum everyone.
                Me and my wife have been married for 18 months and now have a 6 month old baby. My wife was aware of my previous 2 children from my first marriage aged 10 and 8 and they came to our wedding( in uk).
                My brother in law has an upcoming wedding and their family have requested that my 2 eldest children do not sit at the head table with their father and baby but sit with their grandparents and family at a seperate table(my mother). They have requested that the children should avoid meeting me at the wedding until after the wedding. They state that the reason for this is that they have not told anyone in their family/friends about the children from previous marriage and therefore would like to keep it that way.
                Myself and my family feel this is an inapproprite request. My wife and her family feel it is an appropriate request.

                Please can brothers and sisters give impartial advice on this sensitive issue.

                jazakhallah khair
                نعوذ بالله من ذلك

                What's with some people and their hiding of children, as though they are an embarrassment, a mistake,

                Is this from some twisted Asian cultures?
                http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

                "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

                – Imam al-Shafi’i (Rahimahullah)

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Gingerbeardman View Post

                  Wa alaykumus salaam,

                  So they hid something from people which is perfectly fine, a good trait, you love and take care of your kids from your previous marriage and they want you to hide that as well because some cultural retarded people might find it uncomfortable?

                  Yeah it's inappropriate and no they are not being reasonable, these are your kids, don't hide them with shame just because they seem to feel that way, they and you have done nothing wrong here. Your wife and in-laws have by hiding things from people.
                  Seconded akhi well said.

                  Just don't understand this inferiority complex laden retarded mentality.

                  May Allah عز و جل save us from such sicknesses.

                  آمين يا رب العالمين

                  جزاك الله خيرا
                  http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

                  "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

                  – Imam al-Shafi’i (Rahimahullah)

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Maybe it's better the children don't attend at all? Having said that, I'm surprised your wife is comfortable in asking you to do such a huge irrational thing - all for the sake of other people?

                    Have a word with her. This isn't just about a wedding, this is about what importance your children have in your life. How involved do you want them to be in your social events?

                    Who on earth would act as if they don't know their kids? Why on earth would anyone expect you to do that? It's offensive and insulting.

                    How does your wife treat them generally?

                    I think the wedding would have been the perfect opportunity for your wife's family to introduce your kids (as an extension of you) to the rest of the relatives.

                    Anyway - they're your kids. You should not be ashamed or embarrassed by them. (Wife should obey you in this).

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      The reason why it's offensive is because they're even making such an arrogant request, are they the royal family?

                      How insulting, my kids don't need their fake love but don't have a snobbish attitude towards them. The nerve.

                      OP, when your child gets married one day, your in laws can sit outside the venue.

                      It's only acceptable they get the same treatment.

                      See what I mean? Kids remember everything

                      Ofcourse, don't hold a grudge and don't divorce over this but I really hope they understand that this was simply unacceptable, that's all.

                      Respectfully, decline their invitation and insulting request.





                      'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                      So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Saif-Uddin View Post

                        نعوذ بالله من ذلك

                        What's with some people and their hiding of children, as though they are an embarrassment, a mistake,

                        Is this from some twisted Asian cultures?
                        Obviously they're Asians

                        I'd be surprised if they are not

                        'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                        So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post

                          Obviously they're Asians

                          I'd be surprised if they are not
                          Everyone has their fair share of jahiliyyah in their culture, but I've only ever seen Indo-Paks have these strange notions towards previous marriages taken to this level.
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                          www.facebook.com/outreach4Islam - Outreach4Islam have been working together in Leicester, calling the not yet Muslims to Islam since 2006.

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                          • #14
                            Yes. Families involved are all Pakistanis!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Iofthetiger View Post
                              Yes. Families involved are all Pakistanis!
                              When your kids attended YOUR wedding, didnt people ask who the kids were?
                              Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

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