Ads by Muslim Ad Network

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Marrying someone who currently has a black heart as they claim

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Marrying someone who currently has a black heart as they claim

    Hi everyone

    asalamualaikum. May Allah bless us all and show us his mercy.

    I am in a predicament where I like someone however they say that they are not ready for marriage and they think they won’t ever be because he used to super religious I would say he was almost close to being a perfect Muslim from what they tell me and now they have fell off I would say about 2-3 years ago and is now not doing any of the religious practices that are obligatory. He says he wants “to live his life for now” and not focus on this right now as bad as it sounds. I was honestly shocked at what he said, and he said this is why He doesn’t deserve me, because he is in this state where he doesn’t want to do anything religious. It is quite alarming and unsettling because he is Muslim and feels like his heart is hardened and he calls it black. I would say he is going through a turmoil, a severe hardship, probably because Allah is extremely upset and angry with him for what he has done (constant sinning) and not resorting to repentance right away. Now you may ask why do I want to be with them? I truly believe that the person he was before in his pure pious form was beautiful and he is always surrounded by his family who is really religious so he is most likely bound to become that way again and it would honestly be a blessing if he and I become married.

    Just to let you readers know I am far from being pious however I am working my way, and trying to perfect the 4 pillars of Islam (the ones I can do immediately) i.e prayers, charity, fasting, believing in Allah.

    Can someone please let me know if I can pray for this person in my prayers and ask Allah to soften their heart because leaving someone in this kind of situation would mean me honestly hardening my own heart. I have a huge heart for humanity and all things beautiful when they are in accordance to what Allah has stated. I would like to change the situation I am in and that he is in.

    Please dont leave any comments like oh you shouldn’t want to be with him this and that. I have thought about this more than anyone so I know what I am talking about when I ask for this question and present my situation

    Jazakallah khair

  • #2
    yOU GOt great advice in your last thread, there really isnt anything new we can advise you on

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>> https://www.ummah.com/forum/forum/fa...religion/page4

    In my opinion, i think its better if you just do the istikhara right now about marriage, and if he is the right guy for you. Leave it to Allah in my opinion, also repent for what you have done. I honestly think it is a massive risk to wait for him to 'change', and he MAY be done with you or he might be serious. In my opinion, i think he is most likely done with you, however at the end, i think istikhara is the best choice. Again, do istikhara about if he is the right person. Ask someone who is righteous and who is known for making istikharas. Honestly people may be kind, but you don't know what lies inside. Only Allah knows. You have already invested too much emotion on this person and want to get married to this person in the future so I'm sure you don't want to just give up on him. So thats my advice. You don't have to take it, but I think this is the right choice.

    Now i think about it, he really does seem like a horrible person. In my opinion, it is dangerous to be with him.

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>

    I understand you're emotionalyl attached but If you love and trust in Allah swt then leave it to him. What is meant for you will never pass you by. You have to continue to tell yourself this. I told you before that this man did zina with you and now he is over it. He could have married you but he is choosing not to.

    . There is no love potion to force someone to marry you.
    Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

    Comment


    • #3
      Walaykum salam,

      Make dua for his soul but do it in an unselfish way without any expectations. Yes you can pray that Allah (swt) guides him and then leave the rest in Allah's hands because what happens after that is outside your control and between him and Allah. Maybe Allah will answer your prayer and maybe he will one day return to being pious again- that could be after 6 months, 6 years, after 26 years or it might never happen and maybe he'll live the rest of his life in sin we just don't know. The most you can do for him is to pray that he is guided and returns to the right path again and inshaAllah you'd gain reward for that, but I said to make dua in an unselfish way meaning that it's done without expectations and don't just expect or hold on too long to hope that he will change and go back to being the pious person he used to be. If he repents soon, then it is for the benefit of his own soul but even then that doesn't come with a guarantee that he'd marry you as by the time he does repent (if he repents), he may have moved on and consider you as part of his past, not his future.

      If you miss him and all that then pray istikhara, make dua for him and live your own life but don't put everything on hold just cos' of an expectation that one day he'll go back to being pious and take you back again cos' it's out of your hands and that might never happen. If it does happen then great, but if it doesn't happen by this time next year, take it as a sign that he's moved on and it's time for you to move on as well. Allow yourself time to grieve, eat chocolate and vent or whatever it is you do when you're sad and then find a way to rebuild your life and future without him in it.
      The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

      Comment


      • #4
        Wa alaykum salaam

        If you're honest with yourself you'll realize you're looking for a specific answer and you're really struggling to let go. A small part of yourself is in denial about the current state and I pray Allah makes it easier for you.

        As a married woman let me give you a small piece of advice, never marry a man believing you can change him or that he will change. You must look objectively at the man he is now and decide, can I live with and love this man even if nothing changes? If the answer is yes, then you proceed. If the answer is no, walk away. You know better even if your heart desires.

        The Prophets peace be upon them could not always guide those whom they loved or were nearest to. The Prophet Muhammed alayhi salaatu Wa salaam could not guide his beloved protector and uncle, Lut alayhis Salam could not guide his wife, Nuh alayhis salaam could not guide his son. So who are we to feel we can necessarily guide anyone?

        You can pray for yourself and you can pray for him, but there is a thin line in that you shouldn't become mentally attached to the idea that it is him and nobody else. Allah knows better for you. You should read the story of Umm Salamah. She had such a beautiful relationship with her husband, and then suddenly he died and she remembered a dua he had taught.

        ​"Inna lillahi wa Inna Ilaihi Raji’un. Allahumma ajurni fi musibati wakhlif li khayran minha"
        "Indeed, we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we will return. O Allah! Reward me for my calamity, and replace it for me that which is better."

        She did not know who could be better than Abu Salamah, but she was proposed to by many of the great sahabah and finally she accepted the proposal of the Prophet alayhi salaatu Wa salaam.

        Life is never perfect, and it will never be. But Allah knows what's best for you and right now? The best thing you can do is perhaps make the end of this dua and move on to living your life. When you stand on the day of judgment, life is not half so romantic. He will not protect you. You will not protect him.

        You can have as big a heart as you want, but in that day a mother will drop her new born child. You will only be thinking and accountable for yourself. Don't let him be the anchor that sinks you. Focus on your relationship to Allah and He will guide your life.

        Comment


        • #5
          When he does feel "ready" and "pious enough" he'll run off with another girl. I'd cut my losses now if I were you.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by neelu View Post
            Walaykum salam,

            Make dua for his soul but do it in an unselfish way without any expectations. Yes you can pray that Allah (swt) guides him and then leave the rest in Allah's hands because what happens after that is outside your control and between him and Allah. Maybe Allah will answer your prayer and maybe he will one day return to being pious again- that could be after 6 months, 6 years, after 26 years or it might never happen and maybe he'll live the rest of his life in sin we just don't know. The most you can do for him is to pray that he is guided and returns to the right path again and inshaAllah you'd gain reward for that, but I said to make dua in an unselfish way meaning that it's done without expectations and don't just expect or hold on too long to hope that he will change and go back to being the pious person he used to be. If he repents soon, then it is for the benefit of his own soul but even then that doesn't come with a guarantee that he'd marry you as by the time he does repent (if he repents), he may have moved on and consider you as part of his past, not his future.

            If you miss him and all that then pray istikhara, make dua for him and live your own life but don't put everything on hold just cos' of an expectation that one day he'll go back to being pious and take you back again cos' it's out of your hands and that might never happen. If it does happen then great, but if it doesn't happen by this time next year, take it as a sign that he's moved on and it's time for you to move on as well. Allow yourself time to grieve, eat chocolate and vent or whatever it is you do when you're sad and then find a way to rebuild your life and future without him in it.

            Hi Neelu

            Thank you so much first of all for taking the time and reading my story I appreciate it a lot. Secondly thank you for writing so elequontly. Your words really soothe and calmed me, I was ready to receive mean, heartless comments from people full of judgement.

            In terms of your response, I want to say that your are 100% right, if I do decide to pray I should do it with no intention of getting something back. As of right now I don’t think I will be praying for him not because I don’t have a heart only because I want to become selfish and move on for myself, so I don’t get hurt further with this uncertainty and constant complications that he keeps putting me through. If I keep praying daily he will be on my mind and the caring me will come back and then the Shaytaan will take care over my mind convincing me to get in touch with him. So that matter is at rest. As it pains me to say I think I will have to move on, I’ve been rejected by him almost 50 Times now and as stubborn as I am when it comes to this stuff because I am not a quitter he has blocked all means of ever making me think that marriage with him could ever be a possibility. Honestly sometimes I think I am a Christian or a different caste of Muslim, that he thinks so weirdly of me, that I would not even be an option. My story is truly upsetting for anyone to hear only because I had the purest of intentions and cared for him like his own mom would’ve. Sadly nothing matters when a person doesn’t want to see it. He told me today he doesn’t want to change and doesn’t want to work towards changing therefore and he was questioning why I would want to be with someone who’s not a proper Muslim. I wouldn’t. So that’s it for now, I will move on and let time and Allah do it’s thing.

            Its making me thing whether I should even consider going through the whole process of doing an istikharah - your thoughts ?

            once again thank you so much. May Allah bless you and takes away all your problems

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Nusaiba View Post
              Wa alaykum salaam

              If you're honest with yourself you'll realize you're looking for a specific answer and you're really struggling to let go. A small part of yourself is in denial about the current state and I pray Allah makes it easier for you.

              As a married woman let me give you a small piece of advice, never marry a man believing you can change him or that he will change. You must look objectively at the man he is now and decide, can I live with and love this man even if nothing changes? If the answer is yes, then you proceed. If the answer is no, walk away. You know better even if your heart desires.

              The Prophets peace be upon them could not always guide those whom they loved or were nearest to. The Prophet Muhammed alayhi salaatu Wa salaam could not guide his beloved protector and uncle, Lut alayhis Salam could not guide his wife, Nuh alayhis salaam could not guide his son. So who are we to feel we can necessarily guide anyone?

              You can pray for yourself and you can pray for him, but there is a thin line in that you shouldn't become mentally attached to the idea that it is him and nobody else. Allah knows better for you. You should read the story of Umm Salamah. She had such a beautiful relationship with her husband, and then suddenly he died and she remembered a dua he had taught.

              ​"Inna lillahi wa Inna Ilaihi Raji’un. Allahumma ajurni fi musibati wakhlif li khayran minha"
              "Indeed, we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we will return. O Allah! Reward me for my calamity, and replace it for me that which is better."

              She did not know who could be better than Abu Salamah, but she was proposed to by many of the great sahabah and finally she accepted the proposal of the Prophet alayhi salaatu Wa salaam.

              Life is never perfect, and it will never be. But Allah knows what's best for you and right now? The best thing you can do is perhaps make the end of this dua and move on to living your life. When you stand on the day of judgment, life is not half so romantic. He will not protect you. You will not protect him.

              You can have as big a heart as you want, but in that day a mother will drop her new born child. You will only be thinking and accountable for yourself. Don't let him be the anchor that sinks you. Focus on your relationship to Allah and He will guide your life.

              Hi Nusaiba

              thank you you so much for writing and reading my story much appreciate it and for writing so nicely and sharing your own experience.

              You make really good points, at the end of the day he won’t be there for me to answer my questions with Allah. I am accountable for myself which is why I was turning the haram into halal, but for him it’s more complicated than it seems to me. I don’t know what form of supernatural worship he intended on doing or plans on doing or has in his head that is making him feel suffocated right now to not practice a single piece of Islamic concept. Submission and practicing islam doesn’t mean you go in a cave and lock yourself of all worldly elements. It’s sad and I told him how he shouldn’t wait, what is he waiting for, for a tragedy to strike him for him to open his eyes ? People become blinded and arrogant when they want to be and there is only so much you can blame on the Shaytaan, for someone who knows so much about this dunya and the religion to be saying all this is completely and utterly shocking to me.

              May Allah make all my matters easy for me. I am on a good path of fulfilling all 4 pillars of Islam. 5th being hajj which is obviously postponed due to my geographical and personal situation right now. I am a good kid who is eager to learn more and knows how to take care of people. It’s so sad that I can’t show him the future but oh well what can you do.

              Thank you for reading

              Comment


              • #8
                He is out of Allah's grace at this moment in his life and wouldn't be allowed for you to marry him since he abandoned the prayer and such. Make dua for his guidance and he better get it right before Allah ends his respite. I hear this from people that say they want to be free of any religious obligations and will come back some day when they are ready. The only problem with that logic is that they don't know if they will get to that point before Allah Azza wa Jal can take their souls. It's a risky gamble to play with your eternity. When searching for a spouse, it is important that they be an asset to where you are trying to go and not a liability or hindrance from that goal, i.e. Jannah.
                The Prophet s.a.a.w warned when he said: "You will surely follow the ways of those who came before you, in exactly the same fashion, to the point were they to enter the hole of a lizard, you too would enter it." It was asked of him, "O Messenger of Allah s.a.a.w., do you mean the Jews and Christians?" He replied, "Who else?" (Bukhari and Muslim)

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Musbah View Post
                  He is out of Allah's grace at this moment in his life and wouldn't be allowed for you to marry him since he abandoned the prayer and such. Make dua for his guidance and he better get it right before Allah ends his respite. I hear this from people that say they want to be free of any religious obligations and will come back some day when they are ready. The only problem with that logic is that they don't know if they will get to that point before Allah Azza wa Jal can take their souls. It's a risky gamble to play with your eternity. When searching for a spouse, it is important that they be an asset to where you are trying to go and not a liability or hindrance from that goal, i.e. Jannah.

                  I agree with you highly, I guess people with an extreme mindset that he often says he is. He will either be a great non average, pious Muslim or be a very bad Muslim who would be on the verge of not even thinking of being a Muslim which he is in the state right now. I don’t know how one person can even begin to think like that when his family is very religious. If he didn’t live with his religious family I would’ve understood somewhat but how can a person think like that is beyond my imagination. He really needs to go visit sick people and a grave to realize death is around the corner

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    It is hypocritical but most men who commit zina with women don't usually respect the woman afterwards..let alone want to marry them. Sorry thats just how it is. You will probably have to move on and marry someone else who is unaware of your past. Not judging you in anyway, we all make mistakes etc etc. Thats just how i see it.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Sister, I think many users explained it quite well to you in the previous thread that this man you're so emotionally attached to has just used you to fulfill his own lust while you kept dreaming of an "happily ever after". He's a dirty loser, a filthy player. When you proposed marriage, he did a runner citing silly excuses.

                      He has clearly said "he is not ready for marriage and won't ever be". He's telling you in polite terms to get lost. He definitely will get married, but NOT to YOU. I know this is not what you want to hear, but, to him you were only a fling, a timepass, nothing serious. Good enough for zina, but not for marriage. He has rejected you over 50 times, yet you keep pining over him. Sister, have some self-respect and dignity. Isn't it ironic that the more he kicks you, the more you're trying to cling to him? How much more do you want to be insulted and degraded before the message sinks in?

                      You were given excellent advices in your previous thread, yet you chose to ignore them and continue to live in denial. No amount of duas or istikhara is going to change your situation. What can users here do for you? Give you false hopes that there still could be some chance when he's told you in very, very clear terms there won't be?

                      This may sound harsh and judgemental to you, dear sister, but as your fellow sister in Islam, it pains me to see you wasting your time behind someone who clearly doesn't deserve you or realise your worth. He doesn't want you. As much as it hurts, you'll have to accept reality and move on. Swallow the bitter pill. You'll only add to your misery otherwise.

                      Instead of praying to Allah pointlessly to soften this munafiq loser's heart for you, why don't you pray instead to be granted strength to move on from this horrible experience and to be blessed with a pious, Muslim man who will respect you and be the coolness of your eyes? Honestly, it'll do you much more good than running around in circles. You continue to suffer in a trap without realising the latch is open.

                      You're so scared to accept reality that you want users here to only post replies that fit in with your version of a happy ending. You may have thought about this situation more than anybody here, that is because you've become attached to him to the point of obsession. You're living in delusion. You've become blinded to the truth. While here, we're asking you to wake up and see things as they really are.

                      May Allah grant you ease.


                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Zkhan2310 View Post


                        Hi Nusaiba

                        thank you you so much for writing and reading my story much appreciate it and for writing so nicely and sharing your own experience.

                        You make really good points, at the end of the day he won’t be there for me to answer my questions with Allah. I am accountable for myself which is why I was turning the haram into halal, but for him it’s more complicated than it seems to me. I don’t know what form of supernatural worship he intended on doing or plans on doing or has in his head that is making him feel suffocated right now to not practice a single piece of Islamic concept. Submission and practicing islam doesn’t mean you go in a cave and lock yourself of all worldly elements. It’s sad and I told him how he shouldn’t wait, what is he waiting for, for a tragedy to strike him for him to open his eyes ? People become blinded and arrogant when they want to be and there is only so much you can blame on the Shaytaan, for someone who knows so much about this dunya and the religion to be saying all this is completely and utterly shocking to me.

                        May Allah make all my matters easy for me. I am on a good path of fulfilling all 4 pillars of Islam. 5th being hajj which is obviously postponed due to my geographical and personal situation right now. I am a good kid who is eager to learn more and knows how to take care of people. It’s so sad that I can’t show him the future but oh well what can you do.

                        Thank you for reading
                        Forget about him and move on, painful yes but you will in the future realize he is of no worth. Learn what a real man should be and how they face challenges. Read books on men around the Messenger ( salallahu alaihi was am). You will appreciate Allah from removing you from the life of a monster in the future.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post
                          Sister, I think many users explained it quite well to you in the previous thread that this man you're so emotionally attached to has just used you to fulfill his own lust while you kept dreaming of an "happily ever after". He's a dirty loser, a filthy player. When you proposed marriage, he did a runner citing silly excuses.

                          He has clearly said "he is not ready for marriage and won't ever be". He's telling you in polite terms to get lost. He definitely will get married, but NOT to YOU. I know this is not what you want to hear, but, to him you were only a fling, a timepass, nothing serious. Good enough for zina, but not for marriage. He has rejected you over 50 times, yet you keep pining over him. Sister, have some self-respect and dignity. Isn't it ironic that the more he kicks you, the more you're trying to cling to him? How much more do you want to be insulted and degraded before the message sinks in?

                          You were given excellent advices in your previous thread, yet you chose to ignore them and continue to live in denial. No amount of duas or istikhara is going to change your situation. What can users here do for you? Give you false hopes that there still could be some chance when he's told you in very, very clear terms there won't be?

                          This may sound harsh and judgemental to you, dear sister, but as your fellow sister in Islam, it pains me to see you wasting your time behind someone who clearly doesn't deserve you or realise your worth. He doesn't want you. As much as it hurts, you'll have to accept reality and move on. Swallow the bitter pill. You'll only add to your misery otherwise.

                          Instead of praying to Allah pointlessly to soften this munafiq loser's heart for you, why don't you pray instead to be granted strength to move on from this horrible experience and to be blessed with a pious, Muslim man who will respect you and be the coolness of your eyes? Honestly, it'll do you much more good than running around in circles. You continue to suffer in a trap without realising the latch is open.

                          You're so scared to accept reality that you want users here to only post replies that fit in with your version of a happy ending. You may have thought about this situation more than anybody here, that is because you've become attached to him to the point of obsession. You're living in delusion. You've become blinded to the truth. While here, we're asking you to wake up and see things as they really are.

                          May Allah grant you ease.

                          hi Asalamualaikum

                          Thank you sister for taking the time and reading my previous thread and this one and replying. I appreciate it a lot and I do not mind your responses at all honestly because it is the truth and not everything has to be music to my ears. I totally understand and accept that. As of right now I have not contacted him not plan on doing it because the last conversation truly broke me and broke the reality in me that this will NEVER happen and like some users here said that he does not want to marry me. This was just a respectable hookup basically (May Allah forgive me) that he did with me. I asked him would you have liked it if this was being done to your daughter ? He said no then I’m like why me then when not only am I willing to comply with you with your extreme, insane requests of total extremism (which I would’ve been completely ok and would’ve embraced it because the love I had was beyond that, I would’ve also gone through every obstacle had he been on my side and just given me a little bit of hope but there was absolutely none of that. I asked Allah for strength to move on and he certainly provided me a glimmer of that as I feel much better and conserved with my feelings. As a woman I feel totally disrespected not only from him but with myself as well that I let myself go to this level of deserpation and obsession.

                          I am glad Allah opened my eyes and moved him away, I will have sabr and InshAllah whatever is mine will come to me. I have full faith in Allah, as of right now it’s all about repentance.

                          Thank you

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Zkhan2310 View Post

                            hi Asalamualaikum

                            Thank you sister for taking the time and reading my previous thread and this one and replying. I appreciate it a lot and I do not mind your responses at all honestly because it is the truth and not everything has to be music to my ears. I totally understand and accept that. As of right now I have not contacted him not plan on doing it because the last conversation truly broke me and broke the reality in me that this will NEVER happen and like some users here said that he does not want to marry me. This was just a respectable hookup basically (May Allah forgive me) that he did with me. I asked him would you have liked it if this was being done to your daughter ? He said no then I’m like why me then when not only am I willing to comply with you with your extreme, insane requests of total extremism (which I would’ve been completely ok and would’ve embraced it because the love I had was beyond that, I would’ve also gone through every obstacle had he been on my side and just given me a little bit of hope but there was absolutely none of that. I asked Allah for strength to move on and he certainly provided me a glimmer of that as I feel much better and conserved with my feelings. As a woman I feel totally disrespected not only from him but with myself as well that I let myself go to this level of deserpation and obsession.

                            I am glad Allah opened my eyes and moved him away, I will have sabr and InshAllah whatever is mine will come to me. I have full faith in Allah, as of right now it’s all about repentance.

                            Thank you
                            Good to hear you are moving on. As long as you repent Allah will forgive you. Surely, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed He is the most Forgiving, the Merciful' (Quran 39:54).
                            Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by shay5 View Post

                              Good to hear you are moving on. As long as you repent Allah will forgive you. Surely, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed He is the most Forgiving, the Merciful' (Quran 39:54).
                              Jazakallah, much appreciate it. Everything is blessed when it’s done the halal way. I have no intention of hurting anyone or sinning no more. Allah will open doors for me and will make it easier.

                              Thank you for replying and for sending that quote.

                              have a great day

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X