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Advice regarding intercultural marriage

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  • mokara
    started a topic Advice regarding intercultural marriage

    Advice regarding intercultural marriage

    I am a man in his twenties and recently it came to me through mutual connections that a particular sister is interested in marriage. I inquired a bit about her and so far I heard only good things: she is very religious, she wears proper Islamic attire, is of good conduct, ... Since we also study at the same university, I was able to see (in passing) how she behaves and I have nothing to complain about. I think it's worthwhile mentioning that I never spoke to her or interacted with her in any way.
    I have two questions and I would kindly ask you to advise me, not only from a religious point of view but also as a parent would advise the son:

    1. I don't find her really attractive. She is by no means ugly, but my heart just isn't there, so to speak. I don't know if that is because I am so used to seeing women with makeup and inappropriate clothing around that when someone comes with proper Islamic clothing and no makeup, I don't find them attractive or is it just because she is not my type. Would that change once I see her without hijab or once I interact with her? Anyone had a similar experience?

    2. I spoke to my mother about it and she raised a valid question about the girl's background. She is from a very different culture and although she is religious I am afraid there would be many different expectations that would make a life together hard.

    Based on the above, how would you advise me in terms of the next steps: do I just say I am not interested or do I at least get to know her and speak to her wali and then make a decision?

  • mokara
    replied
    Just want to say that I am reading all of your responses and that I am thankful for them. Thank you.

    Leave a comment:


  • zi-zizou
    replied
    Originally posted by Sister_2009 View Post
    Iím replying in an attempt to give a different perspective from your own. Iím by no means an expert on the topic.

    Women that fit her description do not come around often, just based on the basics you noted.

    I would have a meeting with her (obviously with family present). The reason being that, as above, it might be difficult to find another woman of this caliber anytime soon. I would hate for you to be plagued by what ifs.

    Having said this, can you respect and appreciate a woman like her, one who doesnít adorn herself for the pleasure of others? She deserves this. I would hate to see her married to someone who pressures her to change.

    The time she saves not adorning could be spent on her children, studying, making a great household. I would think this would be valued, and these are the basics that I think should be discussed and major deciding factors (how to raise children, how to spend free time, etc.).

    Regarding culture, the bad parts of both cultures would be where potential problems exist. I mean, do people get fussed over food or language to the point that it affects marriage? Iím not sure, but itís not relatable. If there is bad, such as activities that donít align with Islam, then obviously that is a problem. Doesnít matter if itís coming from your side or hers; itís problematic.

    So, if you think you can appreciate her and the positive aspects, Iíd say itís a good idea to schedule a meeting.
    That's very, very sad if that were true. We are after all just talking about the basics here.

    Leave a comment:


  • zi-zizou
    replied
    Originally posted by Linkdeutscher View Post
    Don't marry her if you're not satisfied with her looks. Period.
    Yeah son, are you married?

    Leave a comment:


  • zi-zizou
    replied
    Originally posted by Indefinable View Post
    Character beautifies an individual.

    You should give the sister a chance.

    When it comes to the nitty gritty stuff in regards to marriage/life in general, the last thing on your mind will be whether your wife has high cheekbones.

    It's better to compromise where looks are concerned rather than deen.
    Click image for larger version

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    Leave a comment:


  • Indefinable
    replied
    Character beautifies an individual.

    You should give the sister a chance.

    When it comes to the nitty gritty stuff in regards to marriage/life in general, the last thing on your mind will be whether your wife has high cheekbones.

    It's better to compromise where looks are concerned rather than deen.

    Leave a comment:


  • AbuNajm
    replied
    Attraction is a feeling that comes and goes, especially when combined with character and over the course of a lifetime. Anyone that marries based on attraction will eventually be unhappy unless both parties are shallow people. In that case, even shallow people need spouses.

    For most people with healthy libidos, if they spend a long time without seeing the opposite gender, then attraction is rather instantaneous and spontaneous, almost regardless of "beauty". This is human nature.

    For all the people who are over-exposed to women, especially in the West, "attraction" and "beauty" is more of an issue of concern to them. This is ironic because the birth rate is also lowest among them as well as marital problems in the bedroom.

    Leave a comment:


  • ahmedyounes
    replied
    If you're constantly looking at half naked women all the time, there's very little chance that you are going to find her attractive. You shouldnt be looknig at half naked women anyway, so stop looking at half naked women.

    2nd, marrying a pious wife is one of the best things you can do and is one of the best pleasures in this dunya, so if you dont think you're compatible due to the culture differences, make a meeting and speak akhi. talk to her, ask her whats her favorite color. Dont let your mom brainwash you and dont let the opportunity go down the drain

    Leave a comment:


  • Mintchocchip
    replied
    Originally posted by Musbah View Post

    So true though people will be put off because it sounds shallow. Look, it's the face you are going to wake up to for potentially the rest of your life so it is better that you like it.
    Looks change as people get older.

    I doubt he will wake up to a wife wearing make for the rest of his life.

    Last edited by Mintchocchip; 29-10-18, 09:53 AM.

    Leave a comment:


  • Gingerbeardman
    replied
    Originally posted by mokara View Post
    I am a man in his twenties and recently it came to me through mutual connections that a particular sister is interested in marriage. I inquired a bit about her and so far I heard only good things: she is very religious, she wears proper Islamic attire, is of good conduct, ... Since we also study at the same university, I was able to see (in passing) how she behaves and I have nothing to complain about. I think it's worthwhile mentioning that I never spoke to her or interacted with her in any way.
    I have two questions and I would kindly ask you to advise me, not only from a religious point of view but also as a parent would advise the son:

    1. I don't find her really attractive. She is by no means ugly, but my heart just isn't there, so to speak. I don't know if that is because I am so used to seeing women with makeup and inappropriate clothing around that when someone comes with proper Islamic clothing and no makeup, I don't find them attractive or is it just because she is not my type. Would that change once I see her without hijab or once I interact with her? Anyone had a similar experience?

    2. I spoke to my mother about it and she raised a valid question about the girl's background. She is from a very different culture and although she is religious I am afraid there would be many different expectations that would make a life together hard.

    Based on the above, how would you advise me in terms of the next steps: do I just say I am not interested or do I at least get to know her and speak to her wali and then make a decision?
    What is an intercultural marriage these days?

    Someone is raised 2nd or 3rd generation in a western country, they have far more the same 'culture' as others in a similar situation no matter if they're family is from pakistan or bangladesh or somalia or malaysia.

    I am not saying there will be no problems, but generally, culturally if you're raised in the west and so is she you culturally have more in common with each other than you do with your own parents. Not saying there are going to be no issues, but don't blow this one out of proportion. Usually the problem will be from your family to her, not between you and her.

    But if you don't find her attractive, walk away. Don't do it. You have to have some degree of attraction to be married, there has to be some spark, that's kinda part of the point of marriage you know?

    So intercultural marriage, yeah not a big deal unless your supercultural, or follow your parents in everything they say or do, but marrying without attraction no.

    Leave a comment:


  • Stoic Believer
    replied
    A man should find his wife appealing and attractive. If that's not there I would not pursue it.

    Leave a comment:


  • Fakhri
    replied
    Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post

    It won't hurt to meet her again just to see how you feel once you both actually interact (with her mahrams present). You might feel different.
    ^

    You like a lot of important things about her, brother.

    You also say she's by no means unpleasant to look at and that maybe being used to seeing adorned women makes her seen plain to you in comparison.

    Would those adorned women you happen to notice also not look a lot plainer if they weren't made-up, etc, and will/can this young woman not beautify herself when she's at home?

    I have to say I agree with those people saying you ought to at least have a meeting, inshaaAllah.

    Leave a comment:


  • Ya'sin
    replied
    Originally posted by Linkdeutscher View Post
    Don't marry her if you're not satisfied with her looks. Period.
    Agree.


    A woman can be naturally beautiful without make up, if you don't have that mutual attraction towards the girl, it's better you find someone that is pleasing to your eyes.

    It won't hurt to meet her again just to see how you feel once you both actually interact (with her mahrams present). You might feel different.

    we all know and have seen the amount of women that we pass by and it can be tough not to notice. Still, you should lower your gaze and say Alhamdullilah you have a wife at home NOT 'oh she's hot, I wish I married her'...
    Or whatever it is you men think in your head

    ​​​​​​

    ​​​​

    Leave a comment:


  • Musbah
    replied
    Originally posted by Linkdeutscher View Post
    Don't marry her if you're not satisfied with her looks. Period.
    So true though people will be put off because it sounds shallow. Look, it's the face you are going to wake up to for potentially the rest of your life so it is better that you like it.

    Leave a comment:


  • AbuNajm
    replied
    Originally posted by Linkdeutscher View Post
    Don't marry her if you're not satisfied with her looks. Period.
    Are you married?

    Leave a comment:

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