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  • Marriage , Istikhara, Religion

    Hi everyone!

    I have to share my story and the situation that I am in currently. I was in a haram relationship with a boy who is Muslim and from the same country, same caste etc for 9 months, we ended up commiting Zina, and now on the 10th month we have stopped meeting each other and just being in a relationship with each other because I kept bringing up topic of marriage and he said he is not ready in terms of he is not the good Muslim he used to be before. He was a devout Muslim 2-3 years ago and strives to go back to that state. He said in order for him to even think about marriage he has to himself be in that state of practicing Islam again. I highly respect that because it just shows how much he cares about his Deen. He also says that he cannot marry anyone who is not on the same level as he is in terms of being a practicing Muslim which is why I am working on not only repenting (asking forgiveness) but also learning about all aspects of Islam and making myself a better Muslim by praying, fasting, doing charity, abiding by social norms of how an Islamic person should be in a society. His mom is very strict on religion and my mom is religious as well but not strict. His mom has a pre conceived notion that I am like an American girl when I am not because I only started living here 3 years ago and have been raised in Pakistan most my life.

    At this point we both are in minimal contact with each other, just message each other to say hi / bye basically. He says he has to stay alone and get closer to Allah and with a girlfriend he cannot do that and I understand that. He also says it will take him a year to fully get to the state he was in before, and once he does we can do Istikhara and then with the results in mind we can move forward.

    I have told my mom about everything and she says that it is not respectable for a girl and the girlís family to act needy when it should be the guy asking for the girlís hand but thatís not even on the table yet unless the guy who I like has ďfully transformedĒ into the pious Muslim that he wants to be, there is nothing wrong with that but he doesnít even want to consider anything about marriage until and unless he is satisfied with the level of commitment he has with his Deen and then he will inspect his potential partners Deen to see if she can be compatible with him, and from his own words he says that he will become a completely different person. After the waiting period that I am going to have to endure which is fine by me because itís definitely better than staying in a haram relationship and commiting more sin. I will then have to be upto his momís standards, her mom has seen modern pictures of me where I was showing his some part of my leg and thinks that I am modern when that is not the case. The amount of judgements being passed when we havenít even met is disheartening because thatís not me at all, and I am becoming a better Muslim day by day.

    Right now I have decided to give him space and let him work on his deen while I work on mine and when the time comes when he is ready and he sees I am suitable for him he will ask for my hand or will take me to his mom. My mom says that she wants to do Istikhara right now so they can proceed accordingly but I donít know. Can someone who has gone through a similar situation or has any helping words please shine some light and reflect upon my situation

    Thank you, and may Allah guide everyone to go on the right path. Ameen.

  • #2
    Originally posted by Zkhan2310 View Post
    He also says that he cannot marry anyone who is not on the same level as he is in terms of being a practicing Muslim
    He says this to the same girl he commits zina with? *sigh*

    I often read posts on here where there is so much wrong that I don't know where to begin.
    On the bright side you are improving your deen for the sake of Allah so may Allah aid you in that.

    How old are you both? Just so we get a sense of your maturity.

    Comment


    • #3
      You need to repent for comitting zina and this guy has broken it off with you. He tried you out and isn't interested. He broke it off gently by saying he wants to 'focus on his religion'. A man who is weak and fornicates could easily have completed half his deen with the one he fornicated with, Insteads he's made himself vulnerable again.

      then he will inspect his potential partners Deen to see if she can be compatible with him, and from his own words he says that he will become a completely different person
      Take a hint, he thinks you're low for sleeping with him. Men tend to think that about girls. You might overlook it but he won't.
      Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by MyUsernameIs... View Post

        He says this to the same girl he commits zina with? *sigh*

        I often read posts on here where there is so much wrong that I don't know where to begin.
        On the bright side you are improving your deen for the sake of Allah so may Allah aid you in that.

        How old are you both? Just so we get a sense of your maturity.
        I am 24 and he is 25 years old. He says when we met me he was a bad Muslim, and now if there is any chance of him ever getting married he has to turn a new leaf and become the good Muslim he was before. I get where he is coming from however I canít seem to even break his thinking wall where he could even engage with me and then take all the time he wants into changing and bettering himself for Allah and himself. He says right now he cannot even comprehend being a husband and a father and marriage is just in another stratosphere for him. The thinking is I admit is a little out there but I cannot question what he intends on doing now

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Zkhan2310 View Post

          I am 24 and he is 25 years old. He says when we met me he was a bad Muslim, and now if there is any chance of him ever getting married he has to turn a new leaf and become the good Muslim he was before. I get where he is coming from however I canít seem to even break his thinking wall where he could even engage with me and then take all the time he wants into changing and bettering himself for Allah and himself. He says right now he cannot even comprehend being a husband and a father and marriage is just in another stratosphere for him. The thinking is I admit is a little out there but I cannot question what he intends on doing now
          He got what he wanted from you and is now running away from commitment. That's what's really going on.

          Don't be surprised when he becomes "ready for marriage" he goes and marries someone else.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by shay5 View Post
            You need to repent for comitting zina and this guy has broken it off with you. He tried you out and isn't interested. He broke it off gently by saying he wants to 'focus on his religion'. A man who is weak and fornicates could easily have completed half his deen with the one he fornicated with, Insteads he's made himself vulnerable again.



            Take a hint, he thinks you're low for sleeping with him. Men tend to think that about girls. You might overlook it but he won't.
            I understand where he is coming from although itís a different take but he says heís seen and heard a lot of horrific divorce stories and he doesnít want to ever go through that, from what he tells me itís not the fact that he is just done with me and will go to someone else, itís that he doesnít want to indulge in marriage without becoming pious again, but being SOOOO strict with yourself and saying I have to be alone and even be a little away mentally from you and my parents when I am seeking Allahís guidance is very extreme. He has told me on multiple occasions that he is an extremist.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by shay5 View Post
              You need to repent for comitting zina and this guy has broken it off with you. He tried you out and isn't interested. He broke it off gently by saying he wants to 'focus on his religion'. A man who is weak and fornicates could easily have completed half his deen with the one he fornicated with, Insteads he's made himself vulnerable again.



              Take a hint, he thinks you're low for sleeping with him. Men tend to think that about girls. You might overlook it but he won't.
              Btw thatís a very good point about completing his deen by doing that, can you please elaborate on this more ?

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

                He got what he wanted from you and is now running away from commitment. That's what's really going on.

                Don't be surprised when he becomes "ready for marriage" he goes and marries someone else.
                Itís hard to explain his intentions - itís not that he got what he wanted, he says that if we stay in a relationship he can never even begin to fix his relationship with Allah and strength his imaan again and If I want to push the topic of marriage so much he has to work towards first being a better Muslim again. I donít see anything wrong with it if he needs space by all means but I donít fully comprehend or donít want to understand the level of strictness one needs to have in order to better themselves. But i myself have to simultaneously need to better myself and make immense Duía in the mean time so his mom can see that I am a practicing Muslimah which is what I want to be at the end of the day.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Zkhan2310 View Post

                  I am 24 and he is 25 years old. He says when we met me he was a bad Muslim, and now if there is any chance of him ever getting married he has to turn a new leaf and become the good Muslim he was before. I get where he is coming from however I canít seem to even break his thinking wall where he could even engage with me and then take all the time he wants into changing and bettering himself for Allah and himself. He says right now he cannot even comprehend being a husband and a father and marriage is just in another stratosphere for him. The thinking is I admit is a little out there but I cannot question what he intends on doing now
                  By the sounds of it he is running away from commitment like the other users have pointed out....and to be fair I don't expect much more maturity from a 25 year old guy.

                  He also sounds like he's running away from you ...so perhaps it is a good idea to let that sink in.

                  Although he is right in cutting off contact ...there is nothing extreme about that, rather thats how it should be.
                  Forget him for the time being ....you seriously need to educate yourself on the deen ....and not for the sake of impressing him but for the sake of Allah.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by MyUsernameIs... View Post

                    By the sounds of it he is running away from commitment like the other users have pointed out....and to be fair I don't expect much more maturity from a 25 year old guy.

                    He also sounds like he's running away from you ...so perhaps it is a good idea to let that sink in.

                    Although he is right in cutting off contact ...there is nothing extreme about that, rather thats how it should be.
                    Forget him for the time being ....you seriously need to educate yourself on the deen ....and not for the sake of impressing him but for the sake of Allah.
                    Honestly I will have to disagree but I appreciate the input itís different and adds light to my own perspective of the situation. If he wanted to run way from me he wouldíve left the relationship or wouldíve told me straight up that marriage is not a possibility which he did at first but now doesnít say that word and talks about improving ourselves first. I am not trying to be blinded by love or affection, itís just how the situation is looking and I would want to repent my life away for whatís been done and then think about marriage myself. So we have time which is NOW to do this, I told him 1 year is a lot of time in terms of waiting staying like this, kinda hanging out on a thread but he says it may not take him too long to fully change his ways. Who knows a lot can change, hoping for the best and ThankGod as much as a good guy he is in terms of being caring, loving , I am glad out of it because I do not want to be sining anymore, I want to reconnect with Allah and love him only.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Zkhan2310 View Post

                      Itís hard to explain his intentions - itís not that he got what he wanted, he says that if we stay in a relationship he can never even begin to fix his relationship with Allah and strength his imaan again and If I want to push the topic of marriage so much he has to work towards first being a better Muslim again. I donít see anything wrong with it if he needs space by all means but I donít fully comprehend or donít want to understand the level of strictness one needs to have in order to better themselves. But i myself have to simultaneously need to better myself and make immense Duía in the mean time so his mom can see that I am a practicing Muslimah which is what I want to be at the end of the day.
                      Sorry but he could marry you and become a better muslim.. Clearly this is not what he wants and didn't even give himself that option. Normally people who dont have an option better themselves so they can attract a pious person to marry but this guy already had a gf; he could have got married and you could have helped each other become better muslims as a married couple.

                      24 years old.. ...sorry sis but you're too grown to be this deluded...
                      Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Zkhan2310 View Post

                        Btw thatís a very good point about completing his deen by doing that, can you please elaborate on this more ?

                        Anas ibn Maalik (R) narrated that the Messenger of Allah (S) said:
                        whoever Allaah blesses with a righteous wife, then He has assisted him in half of his deen. So therefore, let him fear Allaah in the other half. (Al-Mustadrak: 10/2681) Al-Albaanee declared the hadeeth hasan in Saheeh At-Targheeb (1916)

                        here is Al-Manaawee explanation of this hadith:
                        'That is because the greatest trial that takes a significant toll on a person's deen are the desires of the stomach and the desires of the private parts, and a righteous woman safeguards a man from zinaa, which accounts for the first half. Hence, the second half remains and that is the desires of the stomach. Thus he (S) advised him with taqwaa so he can perfect his deen and obtain istiqaamah (be upright and obedient).' He also said, ďHe (S) specifically mentioned a righteous wife because a woman who is otherwise may safeguard her husband from zinaa, however she would make him bend his back over trying to obtain worthless things from that which is haraam.Ē (Al-Faydul-Qadeer: hadeeth nos. 8704)

                        hope this helps InshAllah.
                        Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                        Comment


                        • Abu julaybeeb
                          Abu julaybeeb commented
                          Editing a comment
                          didnt some muhaditheen clasd that ad daeef?

                      • #13
                        Originally posted by shay5 View Post


                        Anas ibn Maalik (R) narrated that the Messenger of Allah (S) said:
                        whoever Allaah blesses with a righteous wife, then He has assisted him in half of his deen. So therefore, let him fear Allaah in the other half. (Al-Mustadrak: 10/2681) Al-Albaanee declared the hadeeth hasan in Saheeh At-Targheeb (1916)

                        here is Al-Manaawee explanation of this hadith:
                        'That is because the greatest trial that takes a significant toll on a person's deen are the desires of the stomach and the desires of the private parts, and a righteous woman safeguards a man from zinaa, which accounts for the first half. Hence, the second half remains and that is the desires of the stomach. Thus he (S) advised him with taqwaa so he can perfect his deen and obtain istiqaamah (be upright and obedient).' He also said, ďHe (S) specifically mentioned a righteous wife because a woman who is otherwise may safeguard her husband from zinaa, however she would make him bend his back over trying to obtain worthless things from that which is haraam.Ē (Al-Faydul-Qadeer: hadeeth nos. 8704)

                        hope this helps InshAllah.
                        I am sorry to be bothering you for further explanations but can you please explain the following said line: let him fear Allah in the other half, I was not able to understand that.

                        thankyou and can you please also advise on how I can bring this about with him, I need to know the best way to share this with him so he sees that he does not need to take a full year of being alone to be able to become the pious Muslim he wishes to be.

                        Much much appreciated!

                        Comment


                        • #14
                          Originally posted by Zkhan2310 View Post

                          Itís hard to explain his intentions - itís not that he got what he wanted, he says that if we stay in a relationship he can never even begin to fix his relationship with Allah and strength his imaan again and If I want to push the topic of marriage so much he has to work towards first being a better Muslim again. I donít see anything wrong with it if he needs space by all means but I donít fully comprehend or donít want to understand the level of strictness one needs to have in order to better themselves. But i myself have to simultaneously need to better myself and make immense Duía in the mean time so his mom can see that I am a practicing Muslimah which is what I want to be at the end of the day.
                          I'm just saying, men say lots of things...

                          Comment


                          • #15
                            Originally posted by shay5 View Post
                            You need to repent for comitting zina and this guy has broken it off with you. He tried you out and isn't interested. He broke it off gently by saying he wants to 'focus on his religion'. A man who is weak and fornicates could easily have completed half his deen with the one he fornicated with, Insteads he's made himself vulnerable again.



                            Take a hint, he thinks you're low for sleeping with him. Men tend to think that about girls. You might overlook it but he won't.
                            +1. I could not have said it better.

                            He could be after a more respectable woman.

                            Comment

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