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  • Spouse Online

    Assalaamu alaykum everyone,

    I have personally always steered on the side of caution when it came to looking for a spouse online, having heard so many creepy stories, I thought it was not worth it. However several years ago now I decided to give it a go. I granted a friend of mine access to my account (to monitor) and also informed my mahram of this. In my personal experience, yes, I'm sure there are weirdo's and disingenuous people that lurk these sites but I found that as long as you stick to a few rules, you are able to avoid such time wasters.

    Alhamdulilah, after just a few weeks on this website (which many of my friends told me was a waste of time, not a good website and full of people who just want to date). I did not find that to be the case completely and there seemed to be religious people amongst them too. I found a brother who ticked all of my boxes, most importantly being God-fearing and practicing. We have now been married for over several years and have a child together and by the grace of Allah I couldn't wish for a better marriage, a better husband or a better father to our child.

    Like me before, I know many others who would never even consider going online to search for someone (especially not sisters) but I believe it can be truly beneficial and if Allah wills you can find a good person. So, I just thought I would share some of the things that I did that worked for not just me but now several of my friends too:

    - Your profile: If you are looking for someone serious then you need to be serious yourself. If Islam and gaining knowledge is important to you then your profile should revolve around this. Someone who attends madrasah, memorises qur'an consistently, wears abaya/ jilbeb, grows a beard and dresses according to the sunnah is usually not going to be contacted by someone whose profile includes watching movies, tv series or make up tutorials.

    -Set some base questions that if the person does not pass you are no longer interested. For me, I would ask brothers without a beard why they did not have one.. if the answer was I don't think it's necessary, it doesn't suit me or I don't know - it was a straight no as that's enough for me to see that we are not thinking in the same way and I would move on. This saved me LOTS of time. Of course having a beard or dressing correctly doesn't mean you've found the one but if you are not okay with someone who does not wear abaya or jilbeb don't bother communicating with them.

    -Questions: Asking what someone's hobbies are or what they get up to for fun is nice and all but isn't going to help you in the initial phase of whether you want to consider this person or not. At the end of the day, it will have been a waste of time if you've been chit chatting about their work, their hobbies and the sports you both love, once you realise they don't know alif baa taa. The fact that you have so much in common in a worldly sense is going to now affect your judgement on what is more important. I believe your first few questions need to revolve around Islam, what do they do to gain knowledge, what have they done so far, do you know arabic/study it, do you memorise qur'an, when did they last read qur'an, which reciters do you listen to, what speakers do they listen to, what islamic books have you read etc.

    -What are they asking you? Those who were chit chatting with me, rather than asking serious questions to assess my 'level' of practicing - I found that in the end we were not compatible so I began to take this into consideration too.

    -What are they looking for? Lets say they have contacted you, (you're practicing, covered up and dressed islamically, grow a beard etc) but they also don't mind sisters or brothers who are not necessarily covered at all. That was a red flag for me and I would not communicate with people who had such a mix of preference.

    I'm sure not everyone will agree with me but I'm just sharing what worked for me and friends of mine, really just reaching out to those who are looking to get married but have no connections anywhere else - you can find someone on these websites if Allah wills but you and your mahrem need to know how to filter out the bad from the good.

    My sincere du'as go out to all of you!

  • #2
    To me this is where fate comes in, your husband was destined for you and that's why you found him.
    Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by wordofadvice View Post
      Assalaamu alaykum everyone,

      I have personally always steered on the side of caution when it came to looking for a spouse online, having heard so many creepy stories, I thought it was not worth it. However several years ago now I decided to give it a go. I granted a friend of mine access to my account (to monitor) and also informed my mahram of this. In my personal experience, yes, I'm sure there are weirdo's and disingenuous people that lurk these sites but I found that as long as you stick to a few rules, you are able to avoid such time wasters.

      Alhamdulilah, after just a few weeks on this website (which many of my friends told me was a waste of time, not a good website and full of people who just want to date). I did not find that to be the case completely and there seemed to be religious people amongst them too. I found a brother who ticked all of my boxes, most importantly being God-fearing and practicing. We have now been married for over several years and have a child together and by the grace of Allah I couldn't wish for a better marriage, a better husband or a better father to our child.

      Like me before, I know many others who would never even consider going online to search for someone (especially not sisters) but I believe it can be truly beneficial and if Allah wills you can find a good person. So, I just thought I would share some of the things that I did that worked for not just me but now several of my friends too:

      - Your profile: If you are looking for someone serious then you need to be serious yourself. If Islam and gaining knowledge is important to you then your profile should revolve around this. Someone who attends madrasah, memorises qur'an consistently, wears abaya/ jilbeb, grows a beard and dresses according to the sunnah is usually not going to be contacted by someone whose profile includes watching movies, tv series or make up tutorials.

      -Set some base questions that if the person does not pass you are no longer interested. For me, I would ask brothers without a beard why they did not have one.. if the answer was I don't think it's necessary, it doesn't suit me or I don't know - it was a straight no as that's enough for me to see that we are not thinking in the same way and I would move on. This saved me LOTS of time. Of course having a beard or dressing correctly doesn't mean you've found the one but if you are not okay with someone who does not wear abaya or jilbeb don't bother communicating with them.

      -Questions: Asking what someone's hobbies are or what they get up to for fun is nice and all but isn't going to help you in the initial phase of whether you want to consider this person or not. At the end of the day, it will have been a waste of time if you've been chit chatting about their work, their hobbies and the sports you both love, once you realise they don't know alif baa taa. The fact that you have so much in common in a worldly sense is going to now affect your judgement on what is more important. I believe your first few questions need to revolve around Islam, what do they do to gain knowledge, what have they done so far, do you know arabic/study it, do you memorise qur'an, when did they last read qur'an, which reciters do you listen to, what speakers do they listen to, what islamic books have you read etc.

      -What are they asking you? Those who were chit chatting with me, rather than asking serious questions to assess my 'level' of practicing - I found that in the end we were not compatible so I began to take this into consideration too.

      -What are they looking for? Lets say they have contacted you, (you're practicing, covered up and dressed islamically, grow a beard etc) but they also don't mind sisters or brothers who are not necessarily covered at all. That was a red flag for me and I would not communicate with people who had such a mix of preference.

      I'm sure not everyone will agree with me but I'm just sharing what worked for me and friends of mine, really just reaching out to those who are looking to get married but have no connections anywhere else - you can find someone on these websites if Allah wills but you and your mahrem need to know how to filter out the bad from the good.

      My sincere du'as go out to all of you!
      Just out of curiosity, was your husband in the same city as you?

      Comment


      • #4
        The first thing you need to consider when looking for a spouse wether online or offline, is your state of mind when you look. Do you consider your nafs in your search? Then stop, you're not ready for marriage and you will not pick someone on islamic bases.

        you need to look for someone who has good deen, and Allah has written him for you, dont think you are the shot caller. Allah is, so without trust in Allah there will not be a right decision.
        يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

        O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

        Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

        Comment


        • #5
          What is the website called?

          Comment


          • #6
            Jazaa'akallah khair for sharing the experiences.

            I just wanted to mention though that the point under 'Your Profile' has been different in my own experience so far.

            It seems to me there are a lot of sisters out there who want someone who is practicing and serious about Deen even though they themselves do watch and listen to things that we should avoid.

            I was actually going to post a thread on this but decided not to. While it seems there's the desire to want to improve and recognition that they need to improve (alhamdulillah), there is something a little worrying there.
            ​​​​​
            The thing that has been coming across is that there is this mindset of expecting a husband to teach, guide, transform her. It's possible of course that a husband could really influence her positively but from what I've seen what comes across is an idea of over-reliance on the future husband.

            If you mention you're practicing and serious about the Deen but that you are also the kind of person who values compassion, patience, and similar qualities in yourself, you do find interest from sisters in the situation described above.

            In one way, it's heartenining to see the desire of people wanting to become better, but at the same time you get the feeling they'd be going into marriage with an exaggerated expectation of what the husband will be able to do for her and may land themselves and their future husbands in a problematic situation because of it.
            LAA ILAAHA ILLALLAH
            -------------------------------
            "And if you would count the graces of God, never could you be able to count them. Truly, God is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (Qur'aan 16:18)
            NOTE: Please kindly do NOT rep my posts. (Jazaa'akumullah).

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

              Just out of curiosity, was your husband in the same city as you?
              Yes, he was. I do live in a city where there is a very high muslim population though, so it was not too difficult. However, I have friends who married brothers in cities on the other side of the country and in one case thousands of miles away.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Sisterlayal92 View Post
                What is the website called?
                The website I used was singlemuslim, mainly because I did not want to pay and it was free for sisters. Though there are others that are considered to be a better fit for those more islamically inclined, if you're okay with sifting through some weirdo's, there seems to be more activity there. I'm not trying to recommend one particular website, just speaking generally.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Fakhri View Post
                  Jazaa'akallah khair for sharing the experiences.

                  I just wanted to mention though that the point under 'Your Profile' has been different in my own experience so far.

                  It seems to me there are a lot of sisters out there who want someone who is practicing and serious about Deen even though they themselves do watch and listen to things that we should avoid.

                  I was actually going to post a thread on this but decided not to. While it seems there's the desire to want to improve and recognition that they need to improve (alhamdulillah), there is something a little worrying there.
                  ​​​​​
                  The thing that has been coming across is that there is this mindset of expecting a husband to teach, guide, transform her. It's possible of course that a husband could really influence her positively but from what I've seen what comes across is an idea of over-reliance on the future husband.

                  If you mention you're practicing and serious about the Deen but that you are also the kind of person who values compassion, patience, and similar qualities in yourself, you do find interest from sisters in the situation described above.

                  In one way, it's heartenining to see the desire of people wanting to become better, but at the same time you get the feeling they'd be going into marriage with an exaggerated expectation of what the husband will be able to do for her and may land themselves and their future husbands in a problematic situation because of it.
                  Ah okay. I can understand that and have seen similar on the side of the brothers in some cases. However I was strict as in if they don't match my criteria on the basic level, I did not pay much attention to future promises or goals to meet them. I get it can be harsh especially if they seem good overall and you may believe that they do wish to improve but It's not something I am willing to take the risk for because you just never know.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    If you know any other websites or apps let me know!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by wordofadvice View Post
                      Assalaamu alaykum everyone,

                      I have personally always steered on the side of caution when it came to looking for a spouse online, having heard so many creepy stories, I thought it was not worth it. However several years ago now I decided to give it a go. I granted a friend of mine access to my account (to monitor) and also informed my mahram of this. In my personal experience, yes, I'm sure there are weirdo's and disingenuous people that lurk these sites but I found that as long as you stick to a few rules, you are able to avoid such time wasters.

                      Alhamdulilah, after just a few weeks on this website (which many of my friends told me was a waste of time, not a good website and full of people who just want to date). I did not find that to be the case completely and there seemed to be religious people amongst them too. I found a brother who ticked all of my boxes, most importantly being God-fearing and practicing. We have now been married for over several years and have a child together and by the grace of Allah I couldn't wish for a better marriage, a better husband or a better father to our child.

                      Like me before, I know many others who would never even consider going online to search for someone (especially not sisters) but I believe it can be truly beneficial and if Allah wills you can find a good person. So, I just thought I would share some of the things that I did that worked for not just me but now several of my friends too:

                      - Your profile: If you are looking for someone serious then you need to be serious yourself. If Islam and gaining knowledge is important to you then your profile should revolve around this. Someone who attends madrasah, memorises qur'an consistently, wears abaya/ jilbeb, grows a beard and dresses according to the sunnah is usually not going to be contacted by someone whose profile includes watching movies, tv series or make up tutorials.

                      -Set some base questions that if the person does not pass you are no longer interested. For me, I would ask brothers without a beard why they did not have one.. if the answer was I don't think it's necessary, it doesn't suit me or I don't know - it was a straight no as that's enough for me to see that we are not thinking in the same way and I would move on. This saved me LOTS of time. Of course having a beard or dressing correctly doesn't mean you've found the one but if you are not okay with someone who does not wear abaya or jilbeb don't bother communicating with them.

                      -Questions: Asking what someone's hobbies are or what they get up to for fun is nice and all but isn't going to help you in the initial phase of whether you want to consider this person or not. At the end of the day, it will have been a waste of time if you've been chit chatting about their work, their hobbies and the sports you both love, once you realise they don't know alif baa taa. The fact that you have so much in common in a worldly sense is going to now affect your judgement on what is more important. I believe your first few questions need to revolve around Islam, what do they do to gain knowledge, what have they done so far, do you know arabic/study it, do you memorise qur'an, when did they last read qur'an, which reciters do you listen to, what speakers do they listen to, what islamic books have you read etc.

                      -What are they asking you? Those who were chit chatting with me, rather than asking serious questions to assess my 'level' of practicing - I found that in the end we were not compatible so I began to take this into consideration too.

                      -What are they looking for? Lets say they have contacted you, (you're practicing, covered up and dressed islamically, grow a beard etc) but they also don't mind sisters or brothers who are not necessarily covered at all. That was a red flag for me and I would not communicate with people who had such a mix of preference.

                      I'm sure not everyone will agree with me but I'm just sharing what worked for me and friends of mine, really just reaching out to those who are looking to get married but have no connections anywhere else - you can find someone on these websites if Allah wills but you and your mahrem need to know how to filter out the bad from the good.

                      My sincere du'as go out to all of you!
                      Assalamu alaikoum sister, I was going to post something similar asking if its worth trying online again. You shared good advice, but I do believe its fate. I was looking online for many years on and off but still no luck. Maybe for me it wasn't meant to be. I feel I should stop looking, and maybe it will come. Or shall I give it one last chance?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by shay5 View Post
                        To me this is where fate comes in, your husband was destined for you and that's why you found him.
                        100% correct



                        'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                        So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          solid advice to this i would add when you find the person you want to marry make sure to check their reputation in their local area. Are they known as practicing what kind of people do they hang with etc.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post

                            100% correct


                            Of course, true, everything is fate. That does not mean looking online should not be something people don't utilise is the point I was trying to make.

                            I know countless people who it has worked for and I also know countless who are unable to get married and refuse to use online means because of negative connotations surrounding it or stories they have heard.. but it may not be case if you just give it a try whilst remaining cautious, too.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Janna90 View Post

                              Assalamu alaikoum sister, I was going to post something similar asking if its worth trying online again. You shared good advice, but I do believe its fate. I was looking online for many years on and off but still no luck. Maybe for me it wasn't meant to be. I feel I should stop looking, and maybe it will come. Or shall I give it one last chance?
                              Wa alaykum assalaamu sister. It has not happened yet because it just is not written for you yet.. qadr Allah. Don't be disheartened.

                              I think it's fine to use it on and off, some months you may be up for looking and others you are not. I'm not suggesting you go on it every single day until you find someone but just have it as an option whenever you feel like you are okay to search again. You never know when the person you are destined to meet may sign up. :)

                              Comment

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