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  • I want a divorce. But i am afraid.

    Salam,

    I got married at 20 years old and now i am currently pregnant. I feel like i made the biggest mistake because my husband doesnt respect me at all.. before we married he was amazing! He was so kind, and suddenly after marriage he changed, hes always mad always cursing allah and saying negative stuff about allah . Everyday we fight he tells me if i leave him he will find me and kill me and take my child away from me.. he is an evil person who doesnt pray, he doesnt fear allah .. he acts as if he is god (istakhfurallah) i am really starting to hate him .. i am currently living with my parents in canada he lives overseas and we talk everyday on imo/skype/whatsapp but he is too crazy if i dont answer for one minute he yells and curses at me.. even if i go to the bathroom.. 2 days ago we have a huge fight and says i am “taleg” (he divorces me in arabic) on skype infront of my mom. I dont know what to do this entire pregnancy he caused me stress we never have a good day , everyday its a fight with him. He has NO respect for me.. i want to divorce him but i am afraid of him.. also my parents dont want me to divorce because they will be embaressed by people that i got married fast and got pregnant fast and now i am divorced .. i dont know what to do . He also does not have a job and does not do his husband duties by giving me money to spend on my self or my unborn child.. and when we got married the gold my parents bought me he secretly sold and took the money.. what are my rights? What can i do?

  • #2
    Originally posted by Sisterlayal92 View Post
    Salam,

    I got married at 20 years old and now i am currently pregnant. I feel like i made the biggest mistake because my husband doesnt respect me at all.. before we married he was amazing! He was so kind, and suddenly after marriage he changed, hes always mad always cursing allah and saying negative stuff about allah . Everyday we fight he tells me if i leave him he will find me and kill me and take my child away from me.. he is an evil person who doesnt pray, he doesnt fear allah .. he acts as if he is god (istakhfurallah) i am really starting to hate him .. i am currently living with my parents in canada he lives overseas and we talk everyday on imo/skype/whatsapp but he is too crazy if i dont answer for one minute he yells and curses at me.. even if i go to the bathroom.. 2 days ago we have a huge fight and says i am “taleg” (he divorces me in arabic) on skype infront of my mom. I dont know what to do this entire pregnancy he caused me stress we never have a good day , everyday its a fight with him. He has NO respect for me.. i want to divorce him but i am afraid of him.. also my parents dont want me to divorce because they will be embaressed by people that i got married fast and got pregnant fast and now i am divorced .. i dont know what to do . He also does not have a job and does not do his husband duties by giving me money to spend on my self or my unborn child.. and when we got married the gold my parents bought me he secretly sold and took the money.. what are my rights? What can i do?
    Salam sister,

    Allah bless you and create ease for you first of all, ameen. I will pray especially for you on Jumu'ah and during its blessed times inshAllah.

    ----

    Regarding your heartbreaking situation, you are right to want to leave this man immediately.

    - He has committed kufr by cursing Allah; he is verbally abusive even over Skype and so on. This is a recipe for disaster. even the fakest of horrible people can fake their way through chatting and phone calls. This man has already shown how mentally disturbed he is.

    - If he is verbally abusive with this much distance between you, even in front of your parents, there is little doubt he will be physically and even more verbally abusive if you lived with him alone.

    - You are fortunate to be in Canada and him in some other country. Report him to the authorities in Canada; cancel his sponsorship. Canadian legislation is now super strong against these kinds of abusive imported husbands. He has also committed major theft by stealing your gold.

    - He's already given you a divorce by calling you Taliq/'Taleg' or whatever variation thereof. That has already happened. Take advantage of this and abandon this monster where he is.

    He also doesn't provide for you even with a child on the way - this man will be hell to live with. Please don't do this to yourself just because of the arrogant cultural ignorance of backward Muslims who have nothing to do with you!!

    - If your parents cause problems be patient and explain to them he is an abusive and mentally disturbed man who would make their daughter's life hell.

    Above all sister remember: he has already divorced you. He has committed kufr by cursing Allah - this is no light thing. Stay away from him immediately. Yes, you have a child on the way, but this is not a reason to ask this ugly, Allah-cursing abusive psychopath to take you back. Abandon him where he is to the life he deserves. Good Allah-fearing sisters liek you must not be wasted on horrible Allah-cursing, kufr-comitting, wife-abusing 'men' like him. Many scholars would say, this kufr alone has broken the marriage.

    Above all remind your parents you are their daughter, only 20, and they cannot make you waste your life on this evil man. He has already divorced you - you are already divorced; keep it that way. His destructive influence will only damage you and your child too.


    Allah give you ease, ameen.
    Last edited by distractedandlost; 05-10-18, 05:53 AM.

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    • #3
      Please sis follow the advice above!

      and if you do choose to go back to him, remember that he has divorced you once, twice more and he is completely haram for you, dont make the mistake of living with a man in adultery if he divorced you 3 times... but best choice is to leave now that you have the chance, he divorced you
      يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

      O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

      Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

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      • #4
        Where on earth do you find these people from

        Youtube channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYk...dE4pHzSid7Lr0w

        **** Smiling won't cost you now is it ****

        Zawjati ,“Uhibbuki mithla mâ antê” “Uhibbuki kaifamâ kunteee”“Wa mahmâ kâna mahma sâra”

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        • #5
          Originally posted by muzzybee View Post
          Where on earth do you find these people from
          Unfortunately I think it worth remembering it's the parents who find them and create this particular form of oppressive marriage themselves.

          Comment


          • #6
            Dear commenters, like i said im afraid of him he had threatened my safety as well as taking my child away from me, he is a very scary person i dont know what to do? All i wanted was respect.. we seem to fight every single day.. and yes he did divorce me but called me 100 times after wards to say he was sorry and did not mean it and said god will not consider the divorce because he said it out of anger (dont know if its valid or not) he is crazy i know that but i also know deep down deeeeep down (very deep) he has a good heart and does love me but i feel like he is lost, ever since he lost his job he has become a monster.. i am in canada to deliver my baby im glad i am not with him now lol

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            • #7
              Originally posted by distractedandlost View Post

              Unfortunately I think it worth remembering it's the parents who find them and create this particular form of oppressive marriage themselves.

              You are right my parenrs keep telling me not to do anything because we got married 9 months ago and im 9 months pregnant and its too “early” for a divorce .. they care about how they would look infront of people rather than my happiness..

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Sisterlayal92 View Post


                You are right my parenrs keep telling me not to do anything because we got married 9 months ago and im 9 months pregnant and its too “early” for a divorce .. they care about how they would look infront of people rather than my happiness..
                May Allah give you Sabr and guide us All!!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Sisterlayal92 View Post
                  Dear commenters, like i said im afraid of him he had threatened my safety as well as taking my child away from me, he is a very scary person i dont know what to do? All i wanted was respect.. we seem to fight every single day.. and yes he did divorce me but called me 100 times after wards to say he was sorry and did not mean it and said god will not consider the divorce because he said it out of anger (dont know if its valid or not) he is crazy i know that but i also know deep down deeeeep down (very deep) he has a good heart and does love me but i feel like he is lost, ever since he lost his job he has become a monster.. i am in canada to deliver my baby im glad i am not with him now lol
                  Salam sister:

                  - A man giving talaqs and abusing you, then apologising a million times later, is a classic narcissist. There are literally a thousand and more examples on this forum of sisters' lives littered with abusive men like this. These apologies aren't real, and this 'man' is nothing new. Please don't be a statistic.

                  - His talaq is still considered valid. Talaq being invalid in anger has shar'i conditions that are not met by a layabout who is just verbally abusing you.
                  The fact he would try to lie about this is shocking - he doesn't even care if you live in zina. But again, if this is a man who curses Allah....not a surprise.

                  - Sister, there are literally hundreds of sisters who have posted the same and worse on this forum, zawaj.com, and every other Muslim forum there is. Loser Muslim men like this are everywhere.

                  - You say he loves you deep down - this is your compassion as a woman speaking, but it isn't true.
                  Love is shown in action. His actions are that he doesn't work even with a child on the way, or support you. This is not love.
                  Love is shown in respect: he doesn't respect you, he abuses you. This is not love.
                  Love between Muslim spouses is rooted in love for Allah : this man curses Allah, he doesn't pray.
                  Love is shown in value for you : this man divorced you like it's nothing, abuses you in front of your own parents.
                  Sister, this just isn't love.

                  - He became a monster when he lost his job? Even non-Muslims with no fear of Allah don't do this if they are basically decent people.

                  - Again sister - he divorced you, that is the most immediate reality. The best course of action is to save your life and that of your child. Even if you don't care for yourself, what kind of influence will a man who curses Allah, and doesn't pray, have on your child?
                  You're only 20 sister....you have your entire life ahead. Canada is probably the best country for you to be as a single mother. You can easily marry again at your age.

                  Originally posted by Sisterlayal92 View Post
                  Dear commenters, like i said im afraid of him he had threatened my safety as well as taking my child away from me
                  Sister, please never go back to him. You know this actually happens, and they all get in on it. It was done to me/my mother by her in-laws, and I was only 11 months old.

                  Allah give you ease and hikmah, ameen.
                  Last edited by distractedandlost; 05-10-18, 06:15 AM.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by distractedandlost View Post

                    Salam sister:

                    - A man giving talaqs and absuing yoiu, then apologising a million times later, is a classic narcissist. There are literally a thousand and more examples on this forum of sisters' lives littered with abusive men like this. These apologies aren't real, and this 'man' is nothing new.

                    - His talaq is still considered valid. Talaq being invalid in anager has shar'i conditions that ar enot met by a layabout who is verbally abusing you.
                    The fact he would try to lie about this is shocking - he doesn't even care if you live in zina. But again, if this is a man who curses Allah....nort a surprise.

                    - Sister, there are literally hundreds of sisters who have posted the same and worse on this forum, zawaj.com, and every other Muslim forum there is.

                    - You say he loves you deep down - this si your compassion as a woman speaking, but it isn't true.
                    Love is shown in action ; please remember this. His actions are that he doesn't work even with a child on the way, or suuport you. This i snot love. Love is shown in respect: he doesn't respect you, he abuses you. This is not love. Love between Muslim spouses is rooted in love for Allah : this man curses Allah, doesn't pray. Love is shown in value for you : this man divorced you like it's nothing, abuses you in front of your own parents. Sister, there is no love here.

                    - He became a monster when he lost his job? Even non-Muslims with no fear of Allah don't do this if they are basically decent people.

                    - Again sister - he divorced you, that is the most immediate reality. The best course of action is to save your life and that of your child : litersally. Even if you don't care for yourself, what ind of influence will a man who curses Allah, and doesn't pray, have on your child?

                    Wow thank you so much for explaining this you really have opened my eyes.. also the day he said “talaq” on me he had a face spasm his muscles on his face flared up and now he cant talk and half of his face is very swelled. Apparently he now needs surgery.. i dont know if that was a punishment from god but i have a feeling it is.. , he is abusive. You are completly right. What steps can i do? What is my rights as a muslim woman? And how do i start to leave him? Like i said im scared of him also because he has many of my “secrets” and always says he will expose me and then take my child.. which is why i want to end things on good terms! I dont want him trying to hurt me! Please make dua for me x

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Sisterlayal92 View Post


                      Wow thank you so much for explaining this you really have opened my eyes.. also the day he said “talaq” on me he had a face spasm his muscles on his face flared up and now he cant talk and half of his face is very swelled. Apparently he now needs surgery.. i dont know if that was a punishment from god but i have a feeling it is.. , he is abusive. You are completely right. What steps can i do? What is my rights as a muslim woman? And how do i start to leave him? Like i said im scared of him also because he has many of my “secrets” and always says he will expose me and then take my child.. which is why i want to end things on good terms! I dont want him trying to hurt me! Please make dua for me x
                      Sister, the biggest concern would be that he has threatened your safety and to take away your child. He already thinks of you as not even the child's mother and that the child belongs to him. And as you know, his threat can be very real: in our backward countries so far from Islam, the husband taking the child away to 'punish' the wife and the in-laws all being in on it, does happen. And it happens often. It happened to me and my mother, even.

                      Your rights as a Muslimah are foremost that he provide for your needs, which he is not. He has also committed kufr and given you Talaq. Broadly speaking your rights now are to be safe from him and be kept away from him and that your child's custody stay with you.

                      Your best recourse sister is to talk to other sisters who have been through the same and to find support. Unfortunately Canada is not the UK and there is n't the same level of organisational support for Muslim women in situations like yours, but perhaps some of the sisters here at least can give you support.
                      Also, one of the most prominent human-rights lawyers in Western Canada is a Muslim woman named Amna Qureshi and I know she helps women like yourself as well. If you want her number I can provide it to a mod who can give it to you inshaAllah.

                      Blackmailing wives with spreading intimate knowledge and secrets shared with them is a common thing guys like this do, but inshaAllah if your father comes down on him strongly enough that should be one way to avoid this.

                      Honestly sister, he has divorced you. You're safe in Canada for delivery. Just don't go back. You will love your child more than anything and anyone beside Allah and His Rasul saws - think of your child if nothing else. Broken children from broken Muslim marriages are leaving Islam in massive numbers. You are young, you are a Muslimah, and you are sdafe in Canada away from him : please keep it that way inshaAllah. Protect yourself and your child and your Islam, and your child's Islam.

                      Allah bless and create ease for you and your family, ameen.
                      Last edited by distractedandlost; 05-10-18, 06:35 AM.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        You're already divorced, dear sister and your iddat will end when your child is born. You can ask details from a trustworthy Mufti.

                        It must be hell to live with an oppressive husband on one side and an unsupportive family on the other. As difficult as your situation is, please try to remain calm for the sake of your unborn child. You have a very, very important job in front of you- being an awesome mother.

                        Your husband is in another country and cannot come to Canada. So, why not take advantage of this situation and block his number and social media accounts everywhere? He's causing you nothing but grief, so, stop contacting him - let him fume and take his anger out elsewhere. Why are you stressing yourself and your unborn baby by hearing his abusive threats on a daily basis? When your baby is born, InshaAllah, you can inform him. But, for the present, please give yourself space.

                        Occupy your time reciting or listening to the Qur'an, listen to ruqya, do excessive Zikr, indulge in your hobbies, do light exercises, go for long walks, read up on labour & motherhood etc

                        May Allah ease your situation and grant you khair in both worlds.

                        Comment


                        • Abu julaybeeb
                          Abu julaybeeb commented
                          Editing a comment
                          if shes 9 months pregnant does that not mean she has to wait 3 cycles since
                          the child could theoretically come out within a week and that eould mean 1 week iddah

                      • #13
                        Originally posted by Sisterlayal92 View Post
                        Salam,

                        I got married at 20 years old and now i am currently pregnant. I feel like i made the biggest mistake because my husband doesnt respect me at all.. before we married he was amazing! He was so kind, and suddenly after marriage he changed, hes always mad always cursing allah and saying negative stuff about allah .

                        Everyday we fight he tells me if i leave him he will find me and kill me and take my child away from me.. he is an evil person who doesnt pray, he doesnt fear allah .. he acts as if he is god (istakhfurallah) i am really starting to hate him .. i am currently living with my parents in canada he lives overseas and we talk everyday on imo/skype/whatsapp but he is too crazy if i dont answer for one minute he yells and curses at me.. even if i go to the bathroom.. 2 days ago we have a huge fight and says i am “taleg” (he divorces me in arabic) on skype infront of my mom. I dont know what to do this entire pregnancy he caused me stress we never have a good day , everyday its a fight with him.

                        He has NO respect for me.. i want to divorce him but i am afraid of him.. also my parents dont want me to divorce because they will be embaressed by people that i got married fast and got pregnant fast and now i am divorced .. i dont know what to do . He also does not have a job and does not do his husband duties by giving me money to spend on my self or my unborn child.. and when we got married the gold my parents bought me he secretly sold and took the money.. what are my rights? What can i do?
                        :wswrwb:


                        How recently has he cursed Allah ? Has he made sincere repentence and retaken shahada?
                        Do you have a local Alim you can refer this too because its kinda complicated because of his uttering kufr and the issue of him giving you talaq whilst he has committed kufr...

                        I could ask an Alim i know but he will answer based on the Hanafi madhab, if you follow a different one is my only concern..

                        In anycase, you are with your parents in Canada, well away from him. If you are a Canadian citizen, then you'll be fine i'd think. He is a violent and abusive man, he cannot take any child away from you. And every parents job is to protect their children, and they should be supporting you.

                        This man has uttered kufr by cursing Allah on numerous occasions, he doesn't pray and has threatened to murder you, what person in their right mind would ask their pregnant daughter to go back to a kafir and a vile human being like him?

                        Speak to a local Imam and explain your situation and tell him to speak to your parents about this and why you cannot go back to him for a whole number reasons least of not for your own safety and for his endless amounts of kufr.

                        May Allah protect you and your baby from the evil of this man and open up a way out of this difficulty for you. Ameen.
                        Last edited by Mikha’eel; 05-10-18, 09:50 AM.
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                        • #14
                          hes currently a kaafir until he repents

                          currently your divorced to him however
                          if he repenrs sincerely becomes muslim again then decides to take you back he may be able to
                          however its best to ask an aalim about your situation

                          your situation with him will only get worse
                          he seems like he had terrible charachter

                          Comment


                          • #15
                            Originally posted by distractedandlost View Post

                            Sister, the biggest concern would be that he has threatened your safety and to take away your child. He already thinks of you as not even the child's mother and that the child belongs to him. And as you know, his threat can be very real: in our backward countries so far from Islam, the husband taking the child away to 'punish' the wife and the in-laws all being in on it, does happen. And it happens often. It happened to me and my mother, even.

                            Your rights as a Muslimah are foremost that he provide for your needs, which he is not. He has also committed kufr and given you Talaq. Broadly speaking your rights now are to be safe from him and be kept away from him and that your child's custody stay with you.

                            Your best recourse sister is to talk to other sisters who have been through the same and to find support. Unfortunately Canada is not the UK and there is n't the same level of organisational support for Muslim women in situations like yours, but perhaps some of the sisters here at least can give you support.
                            Also, one of the most prominent human-rights lawyers in Western Canada is a Muslim woman named Amna Qureshi and I know she helps women like yourself as well. If you want her number I can provide it to a mod who can give it to you inshaAllah.

                            Blackmailing wives with spreading intimate knowledge and secrets shared with them is a common thing guys like this do, but inshaAllah if your father comes down on him strongly enough that should be one way to avoid this.

                            Honestly sister, he has divorced you. You're safe in Canada for delivery. Just don't go back. You will love your child more than anything and anyone beside Allah and His Rasul saws - think of your child if nothing else. Broken children from broken Muslim marriages are leaving Islam in massive numbers. You are young, you are a Muslimah, and you are sdafe in Canada away from him : please keep it that way inshaAllah. Protect yourself and your child and your Islam, and your child's Islam.

                            Allah bless and create ease for you and your family, ameen.
                            Inshallah my friend, yes please give me amna’s number, what do i tell her when i contact her? Also thank you so much for giving me the strengh to see what type of man he truly is.. he tells me i am “divorced” because he was angry and did not mean it, i dont know if he repented to allah.. but during the exact day he cursed allah and said i am talaq his face suddenly became cursed and like i said he has a face muscle spasm and now he cant even talk and eat and will require surgery subhannallah.. he tells me ever since he married me he has cursed allah so many times and was never like this before. I dont know whats wrong with him and i dont know ir im truly divorced he says he took me back the same day and that i “really am not” divorced and that god does not take the talaq seriously because i am pregnant and he was angry. Yet im not very sure. Please let me know your thoughts also if i am acually divorced what do i tell him? And does that mean its haram for me to speak to him? (Currently im not speaking to him because he cant talk on the phone because of his muscle spasm and his medication is making him sleepy thank god. So we dont talk)

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