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Contact sans mahram...emotionally invested...girl distant...how do i best end this?

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  • Contact sans mahram...emotionally invested...girl distant...how do i best end this?

    salam everyone,


    i'm a male in my later 20s and met a sister online who was attracted to the fact i'm a hafidh etc.

    we've been in contact unfortunately without a mahram for the past 2 months. i thought it was fine because we both have our reputations to think of etc and haven't ever spoken inappropriately. still, we did talk far more comfortably than we should have, using pet names and speaking affectionately to one another, that kind of thing. of course this was all with marriage intentions, but still wrong, and I have done taubah.

    i'd never had a sister interested in me or even respond to marriage interest because i used to have a long beard/dress according to sunnah, etc and sisters in general don't want that, not even Hijabis.
    i also only have a BA in psychology from a poor uni, so my education is also a fail. but primarily my sisters also have very bad behaviour/ reputations that have made my parents turn inward and hide from the community and as result, kill off any potential rishtas and so on. our reputation is shot, basically, and only one of my 7 siblings has managed to marry. so, i'm not a catch and marriage for me is very hard.

    so when a sister showed interest in me i was taken right away. of course you read this contact is haram, and the emotional investment following is devastating if it goes pear-shaped. but i couldn't get over the fact a muslimah was finally interested in me.

    in any case, she seems to have lost interest - where messages were constant and all day long, they're now short, generic and amount to maybe 5 a day. i suspect - it's probably because i told her about my sisters and my family. we've met in person 4 times and maybe that'd what did it for her - i don't know.

    it's clear she's lost interest, but it's also clear she's not relishing breaking it off. maybe it's because of the gifts i've given - they don't amount to much, and i know i never should have. but maybe she feels obliged or . i don't know.

    i'd appreciate any advice from ____experienced__ forum brothers and sisters, not people who are immature like saifud deen or abu julaybeeb (no disrespect but you two hurt a lot of people in anguish on these marriage forums) - about how i should proceed here.

    especially from sisters : i know i'm a fool for becoming emotionally invested and attached here. i'm not obsessed and know this needs to end and she clearly is less interested very day. it just seems to me the most important thing is to maintain the girl's respect, and that's my concern. how do i best go about ending this? should i let her know i see she's not interested any more, and respectfully end it?

    or does that seem like blaming her and hurting a sister's respect, and is it better rather to make it about me?

    jazakAllah khairan especially in advance to sisters for their perspective. again i know i did wrong; i've done taubah, and this won't happen again, and i should have known better as a hafidh, etc. i'm also really disconnected from the muslim community because of my fam's rep and have no idea of interaction with Muslimahs/Hijabis let alone in marriage discussion. i just want naseehah on how to end this in the most respectful way to her.

    wassalam and my gratitude in advance.
    Last edited by distractedandlost; 02-10-18, 04:41 AM.

  • #2
    Maybe she didnt lose interest but she just wants to take distance from the haram in your contact until you get married to her, so if you want her set up the nikah now
    يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

    O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

    Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

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    • #3
      Originally posted by aynina View Post
      Maybe she didnt lose interest but she just wants to take distance from the haram in your contact until you get married to her, so if you want her set up the nikah now
      jazakillah khair sister for your time.

      no, she would have said so if that was the case. it was also her who wanted to talk and meet without mahrams..it's just become the done thing to use a friend as a chaperone and then meet on your own. never should have done it though, it's haram, end of.

      but yeah, i'm quite sure that isn't it. she doesn't respond to impiortant questions about the potential marriage, important things in general. if she wanted to limit ourselves to halal interaction until nikah she'd have said so.

      her behaviour also turned after i told her about my sisters and family so...yeah.

      sister, what would you think is the best approach here without making her feel she's being rejected and maintaining her respect?
      Last edited by distractedandlost; 02-10-18, 04:42 AM.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by distractedandlost View Post

        jazakillah khair sister for your time.

        no, she would have said so if that was the case. it was also her who wanted to talk and meet without mahrams..it's just become the done thing to use a friend as a chaperone and then meet on your own. never should have done it though, it's haram, end of.

        but yeah, i'm quite sure that isn't it. she doesn't respond to impiortant questions about the potential marriage, important things in general. if she wanted to limit ourselves to halal interaction until nikah she'd have said so.

        her behaviour also turned after i told her about my sisters and family so...yeah.

        sister, what would you think is the best approach here without making her feel she's being rejected and maintaining her respect?
        Just simply ask when are you ready to do the nikah and if she isnt willing to she will make it clear...
        يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

        O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

        Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

        Comment


        • #5
          While we're not responsible for the actions of our siblings & other family members, being associated with them is sometimes a put-off for potentials because the children you have together will eventually be exposed to the negative activities of their relatives. Also, if the reputation of your family is not very good, not many parents would want their daughter to be wed into such a family.

          Are you planning to make your future wife live with your family? If yes, then, you'll have a tough time convincing a potential's family to realise your worth but if you can afford seperate accommodation for your wife from the beginning, maybe your prospects will widen up a bit.

          Tell the girl you're regretful about your sins and cannot continue like this any longer, so, you would like to make things halal. Ask her for a definite answer whether she'd like to marry you. Tell her what all you can offer her. If she gives a positive response, then go directly to her family. However, if she dilly-dallies or does not give any clear response , ask her to contact you when she's made up her mind & stop all contact with her. If she rejects you, just move on.

          It's just Shaitan playing with your mind that you should be respectful, not hurt her feelings, breaking up will make her sad etc to make you continue this sinful interaction. The longer this goes on, the more you'll become emotionally attached and it'll be harder to let go. What you're doing is haraam. STOP. You either obey Ar-Rahman or Shaytan. There's nothing in between. If there's no scope for nikah, then back-off and quit wasting time. You'll get over it eventually.

          Wassalam

          Comment


          • #6
            You need to talk to her. Just because you think she is no longer interested doesn't mean that's the case. she could have reasons that have nothing to do with you for acting so

            Talk to her say you want to make things halal and if she says not interested then at least you tried
            What is given to dunya is lost forever

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            • #7
              Not a useful post but you made me lol when you called out saif and abu julaybeeb rofl


              Comment


              • #8
                Can't believe you called out two forum members when you've just joined lol.

                She probably lost interest because you weren't really taking anything further, you can only talk for so long, there needs to be action. Otherwise you don't come across as serious. If you told her about your family the way you told us here, that's probably another reason why she has changed. It makes you come across as someone who lacks self esteem and is always seeing the negative, always feeling sorry for themselves.

                It would have been better if you had not talked to her all day everyday about Allah knows what. Should have kept it minimal and formal. But what's done is done. Now there are feelings involved. If you still want to marry her then ask her for her final opinion. If she says yes, do things properly from there and don't let negativity and pessimism take over.
                شَكَوْتُ إلَى وَكِيعٍ سُوءَ حِفْظِي
                فَأرْشَدَنِي إلَى تَرْكِ المعَاصي
                وَأخْبَرَنِي بأَنَّ العِلْمَ نُورٌ
                ونورُ الله لا يهدى لعاصي

                Comment


                • #9
                  The spark is gone son...this is what happens when you love too soon without a purpose ..you run out of words..


                  Youtube channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYk...dE4pHzSid7Lr0w

                  **** Smiling won't cost you now is it ****

                  Zawjati ,“Uhibbuki mithla mâ antę” “Uhibbuki kaifamâ kunteee”“Wa mahmâ kâna mahma sâra”

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Rumaysah~ View Post
                    Can't believe you called out two forum members when you've just joined lol.

                    She probably lost interest because you weren't really taking anything further, you can only talk for so long, there needs to be action. Otherwise you don't come across as serious. If you told her about your family the way you told us here, that's probably another reason why she has changed. It makes you come across as someone who lacks self esteem and is always seeing the negative, always feeling sorry for themselves.

                    It would have been better if you had not talked to her all day everyday about Allah knows what. Should have kept it minimal and formal. But what's done is done. Now there are feelings involved. If you still want to marry her then ask her for her final opinion. If she says yes, do things properly from there and don't let negativity and pessimism take over.
                    The feeling is gone ....

                    Youtube channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYk...dE4pHzSid7Lr0w

                    **** Smiling won't cost you now is it ****

                    Zawjati ,“Uhibbuki mithla mâ antę” “Uhibbuki kaifamâ kunteee”“Wa mahmâ kâna mahma sâra”

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Faith reloaded View Post
                      Not a useful post but you made me lol when you called out saif and abu julaybeeb rofl

                      Saif would say naudhubillah you spoke to a woman without her mahram.

                      abujulaybeeb - feminist influence brother...you made a mistake by talking to her alone.leave her or speak to her wali.

                      Youtube channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYk...dE4pHzSid7Lr0w

                      **** Smiling won't cost you now is it ****

                      Zawjati ,“Uhibbuki mithla mâ antę” “Uhibbuki kaifamâ kunteee”“Wa mahmâ kâna mahma sâra”

                      Comment


                      • Abu julaybeeb
                        Abu julaybeeb commented
                        Editing a comment
                        whats feminism gotta do with this

                      • Linkdeutscher
                        Linkdeutscher commented
                        Editing a comment
                        Lol son. Time to return.

                    • #12
                      Originally posted by muzzybee View Post

                      The feeling is gone ....
                      He said he became emotionally invested. He doesn't say the feelings are gone, just that he should probably end it since she doesn't seem interested anymore.

                      If this isn't the case then he can end it.
                      شَكَوْتُ إلَى وَكِيعٍ سُوءَ حِفْظِي
                      فَأرْشَدَنِي إلَى تَرْكِ المعَاصي
                      وَأخْبَرَنِي بأَنَّ العِلْمَ نُورٌ
                      ونورُ الله لا يهدى لعاصي

                      Comment


                      • #13
                        Originally posted by Rumaysah~ View Post

                        He said he became emotionally invested. He doesn't say the feelings are gone, just that he should probably end it since she doesn't seem interested anymore.

                        If this isn't the case then he can end it.
                        I mean for her

                        Youtube channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYk...dE4pHzSid7Lr0w

                        **** Smiling won't cost you now is it ****

                        Zawjati ,“Uhibbuki mithla mâ antę” “Uhibbuki kaifamâ kunteee”“Wa mahmâ kâna mahma sâra”

                        Comment


                        • #14
                          the flip did i do

                          Comment


                          • #15
                            immature lol
                            your the one that was speaking to the girl without a wali and then got sprung

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