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Older wife and mismatched libido

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  • Older wife and mismatched libido

    Salam Alekoum,
    Brothers and sisters, I am a little bit ashamed to talk about this issue which is very intimate.
    So to get started: my wife and I have been married for a couple of years now. We have a great relationship Al Hamdoulilah. She love me and I love her. We are striving together to become better Muslims insha Allah. I am very proud of her and she is of me. Our age gap (she is 40 and I am 25) never impacted any aspect of our marriage Al hamdoulilah, except one : our intimacy.
    Since day one I've noticed that there was a clear mismatched libido. I wanted to have intimacy everyday and she barely wanted it once a week or once every two weeks. We've tried to find a middle ground but all attempts had failed so far.
    I am sorry to say that but she love when we do it, she really do so the issue is not on that side (I had preferred it was only that at least I could have fixed it). She loves when we do it but don't feel the need to initiate.
    Another issue is that I take too long to "get done" and as soon as she get her orgasm she is feeling tired. So I never have an orgasm during the intercourse.

    Clearly sex is not her thing. For her sex is a pleasant activity that you do once that all the chores and bills have been paid. She has really a lot needs to be in the mood which means it will happens only a few times in a month.
    We've tried everything :
    -I've helped with the chores as much as I could despite having a very busy job.
    -Vacation and quality time.
    -Setting up a schedule for when we do it.
    -Do it when we felled like it.
    -Buying her outfits.

    All of it failed.
    Sometimes we don't have intimacy during 3 weeks.
    I hate a lot of fantasies and creativity when it comes to sex and it just feel terrible that I couldn't share those things with my soulmate.
    I love her and I would never want to get married to someone else.
    I would need it as least every 2 days but can settle for 3 times a week.

    What would be the solutions ?
    Is there any legal drug that I can take that will kill my libido ? I've tried fasting and eating as little as possible but for one it will increased my libido even more. I am serious about the libido killer, I would love to lower mine to be able to meet her halfway.

    May Allah reward you all.
    Last edited by youngbrother; 05-09-18, 06:13 PM.

  • #2
    Many herbs that she can take as a tea that should give her a higher libido. But in the end she cant really deny you
    يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

    O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

    Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

    Comment


    • #3
      :(

      cant see any other way bro ,except marrying again.

      Youtube channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYk...dE4pHzSid7Lr0w

      **** Smiling won't cost you now is it ****

      Zawjati ,“Uhibbuki mithla mâ antę” “Uhibbuki kaifamâ kunteee”“Wa mahmâ kâna mahma sâra”

      Comment


      • #4
        Thank you very much for your replies.
        Don't anyone of you have any legal drug that can kill my libido ?
        Drugs to increase her libido have been tried but didn't worked out.

        Comment


        • #5
          Given her age did you really expect any different.

          Comment


          • #6
            She's 40. Only so much you can do.

            In 5 or 10 years it'll be even worse.

            Comment


            • Fakhri
              Fakhri commented
              Editing a comment
              :[ Give the poor brother some hope!

          • #7
            Originally posted by youngbrother View Post
            Thank you very much for your replies.
            Don't anyone of you have any legal drug that can kill my libido ?
            Drugs to increase her libido have been tried but didn't worked out.
            Dont do that....

            Youtube channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYk...dE4pHzSid7Lr0w

            **** Smiling won't cost you now is it ****

            Zawjati ,“Uhibbuki mithla mâ antę” “Uhibbuki kaifamâ kunteee”“Wa mahmâ kâna mahma sâra”

            Comment


            • #8
              You can try tiring yourself .....so when you come home the only thing you think of is sleep.

              Youtube channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYk...dE4pHzSid7Lr0w

              **** Smiling won't cost you now is it ****

              Zawjati ,“Uhibbuki mithla mâ antę” “Uhibbuki kaifamâ kunteee”“Wa mahmâ kâna mahma sâra”

              Comment


              • #9
                This should be in the men section

                Don't know why I feel like these types of threads are trolls

                Anyway

                Please see your GP

                Your wife is 40 so she should understand that this is an important part of your marriage so talk to her

                You're only 25, don't worry but seek refuge from Satan and stay committed to your wife

                Make lots of dua, think about the prophets and how miracles took place for them and keep patient and in Sha Allah it will be worth it

                'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                Comment


                • Kiro
                  Kiro commented
                  Editing a comment
                  best advice

              • #10
                You don't need drugs. You've tried a lot of things which have failed, unfortunately.

                Your wife is 40 - she should know how important this is for you.

                Given the situation, you need a younger wife or your current wife to be more... understanding.


                Comment


                • #11
                  Polygamy my son, polygamy.
                  You think you know more than my scholar's qiyās? He was more learned than you and all other scholars combined. Yeah, the devil was the greatest scholar too and look where his qiyās of fire being better than tīn got him. Sorry.

                  You follow your scholar's qiyās, and I will follow the Qur'ān and Sunnah.

                  Comment


                  • #12
                    Originally posted by Linkdeutscher View Post
                    Polygamy my son, polygamy.

                    Comment


                    • #13
                      I was waiting for it

                      Comment


                      • #14
                        Originally posted by youngbrother View Post
                        Salam Alekoum,
                        Brothers and sisters, I am a little bit ashamed to talk about this issue which is very intimate.
                        So to get started: my wife and I have been married for a couple of years now. We have a great relationship Al Hamdoulilah. She love me and I love her. We are striving together to become better Muslims insha Allah. I am very proud of her and she is of me. Our age gap (she is 40 and I am 25) never impacted any aspect of our marriage Al hamdoulilah, except one : our intimacy.
                        Since day one I've noticed that there was a clear mismatched libido. I wanted to have intimacy everyday and she barely wanted it once a week or once every two weeks. We've tried to find a middle ground but all attempts had failed so far.
                        I am sorry to say that but she love when we do it, she really do so the issue is not on that side (I had preferred it was only that at least I could have fixed it). She loves when we do it but don't feel the need to initiate.
                        Another issue is that I take too long to "get done" and as soon as she get her orgasm she is feeling tired. So I never have an orgasm during the intercourse.

                        Clearly sex is not her thing. For her sex is a pleasant activity that you do once that all the chores and bills have been paid. She has really a lot needs to be in the mood which means it will happens only a few times in a month.
                        We've tried everything :
                        -I've helped with the chores as much as I could despite having a very busy job.
                        -Vacation and quality time.
                        -Setting up a schedule for when we do it.
                        -Do it when we felled like it.
                        -Buying her outfits.

                        All of it failed.
                        Sometimes we don't have intimacy during 3 weeks.
                        I hate a lot of fantasies and creativity when it comes to sex and it just feel terrible that I couldn't share those things with my soulmate.
                        I love her and I would never want to get married to someone else.
                        I would need it as least every 2 days but can settle for 3 times a week.

                        What would be the solutions ?
                        Is there any legal drug that I can take that will kill my libido ? I've tried fasting and eating as little as possible but for one it will increased my libido even more. I am serious about the libido killer, I would love to lower mine to be able to meet her halfway.

                        May Allah reward you all.
                        Walaikum As-Salam,

                        While this is a sensitive topic, it is part of the human experience, so I don’t feel you need to be ashamed to discuss it, although I’m not sure that this is the correct place to do that.

                        When researching the topic, as you mentioned age, so I assume you believe it is a contributing factor, you will find data to support both sides. From an interesting article linked below, “Women ages 27 through 45 report not only having more sexual fantasies (and more intense sexual fantasies) than women ages 18 through 26 but also having more sex, period.”

                        Reading through your post, these are the main issues I see:

                        She enjoys it but does not initiate. So what happens if you do the initiating? Are you rejected? I can see that one would become tired of being the initiator, but if it achieves what you want, maybe it isn’t so bad.

                        It takes you a long time to finish. Now, this may seem like a great attribute, but it can be annoying and painful, depending on how long this is taking. Consider lubrication. Also, when someone has the opposite problem of being too fast, it is encouraged to think of something unrelated, like work obligations. So, are you focusing on sex and the thought of it or is your mind distracted? Are you taking medication, such as antidepressants, that are causing this?

                        Lastly, it seems obvious, but have you really discussed how this is making you feel? It’s important to select a time when you’re both happy to bring up the topic.

                        It’s unfortunate that you both are satisfied, and this is the only point of contention. If all else fails, you can focus your energy on other pursuits, and aggressive exercise should help. Otherwise, as Muslims, we have other options that were previously mentioned.

                        http://content.time.com/time/magazin...007422,00.html

                        *Please do not answer the questions asked. They are simply for you to ponder.
                        Last edited by Sister_2009; 05-09-18, 11:53 PM.

                        Comment


                        • Abu julaybeeb
                          Abu julaybeeb commented
                          Editing a comment
                          This article is based on kuffar who go about recklessly committing zina

                          I think its better to avoid sharing these articles they arent good examples

                          What could have been better was ncbi pubmed and so on

                        • Sister_2009
                          Sister_2009 commented
                          Editing a comment
                          The point of the article was to highlight the opposing view of age, plus it is in narrative format. People are not generally fond of reading scholarly articles, as they can be difficult for some to follow. Please do not distract from the thread or advice I have provided. You’re welcome to use the report feature.

                        • Stoic Believer
                          Stoic Believer commented
                          Editing a comment
                          There is in fact scientific studies supporting that women experience an increase in libido in their late 20s into their 30s. So it's not just a non Muslim thing.

                      • #15
                        Yea 2nd wife is the way to go, even if you dont want to tell her thats your only option and maybe she will realise she needs to step her game up
                        يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

                        O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

                        Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

                        Comment


                        • Abu julaybeeb
                          Abu julaybeeb commented
                          Editing a comment
                          Anti feminist
                          ما شاء الله

                        • aynina
                          aynina commented
                          Editing a comment
                          100% Alhamdulillah
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