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Wanting to get married at 18??

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  • Wanting to get married at 18??

    Hi,
    basically Iím wanting some serious advice as Iím currently 16, turning 17 in a few months and I have liked this guy who is currently 17 and I met him at high school and we have been close for 3 years now and heís liked me ever since but only recently did I start liking him and developed deep feelings for him and I have known him for so long now thereís this oddly coincidental connection we have. We connect on many different levels and we tell each other everything and honestly I do love this guy a lot and I know heís crazy about me. His mum already knows about me but the problem is his dad is really strict and has got the Pakistani typical mind set of when youíre old enough to marry your cousin from Pakistan and he doesnít want that at all. My mum also knows about him but she knows how Iím close friends with him nothing else because no one would understand this deep connection we have. In the generation we live in today itís hard for young people because people today are just so out of control and commit huge sins before marriage and honestly we want to prevent any of this. Recently he mentioned about getting a secret marriage at the age of when we are both 18 so that nothing is haram because even talking on a daily is classed as really bad. I know 18 is still a really young age but the problem is I wouldnít know how to tell my mum because he mentioned this to his mum the other day and she wasnít saying no to it. If I went ahead with this I would most definitely tell my mum because sheís more of a best friend to me more than anything and Iím close to her in that sense. Can someone please advise me on what to do it would be much appreciated.

  • #2
    Make sure you involve your parents.

    Also, if religion is important to you, you will need a wali.

    Getting married secretly is a terrible suggestion, are you sure this brother is ready for marriage?

    He has to stand up to his dad and tell him he has found a girl. Besides, it's usually women who need wali's approval but he is a man, he doesn't even need his dad's permission.

    Do you both understand what marriage entails?

    It might feel great now but once you're married it's a different story. You will live with him, it's different to how it is now.

    There's responsibility involved in marriage.

    Take things slow and understand that as a muslimah you have to retain your dignity and seek advice from the guardians around you, especially your mum.

    Marriage is not a game. Also, I get youngsters are 'out of control' but this does not mean it's acceptable or that it's impossible to control yourself.

    If the boy is serious about this he needs to meet up with your family. Don't meet up with him alone.

    Is he ready to take care of you?

    Don't let the 'fun' of love delude you.
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

    Comment


    • #3
      I apologize if I come off as harsh, sis, but getting married in secret isn't the way to go. I'm so sorry, but at the end of the day you don't know how things will turn out. I know you think he is nice and all, but keeping things secret can lead to a lot of harm. I've heard of too many cases where this happened. I'm sorry to say this, but for all you know, this marriage could end in a matter of a few months and there wouldn't be any pressure on him to stay because no one knew about it. Don't stoop to being someone's secret because you have feelings for them. Ask yourself if you're actually in love or if this is infatuation. Because in probably most marriages, the love, infatuation, or whatever you want to call it, fades away in a short period of time. You need to think hard about your situation. Be realistic and honest with yourself, and put your emotions to the side. How would you advise someone in your situation?

      If you really want to marry him then make sure everyone knows about it and your parents are involved. So many girls end up as victims when marriages are kept secret. What do you think people will think of you if you got pregnant while he's out of the picture? Don't you think you'll look bad if people were to find out you married in secret? Either way, for your marriage to be valid in the eyes of Allah, your father/wali should be involved in this. You really need your father's insight because he can see things about his character you didn't even notice. I'm not trying to be rude, but I think you'll overlook major redflags because you like him. The fact that he suggested to marry in secret isn't good, sorry. You need to marry someone for their character and religion.

      It's hard, but you should cut contact with him, even if you want to marry. I understand that it's easier said than done, but at the end of the day, this is haram and it can lead to a lot of harm and heartache. If you don't want to fall into sin, then you need to cut him off. Wait till youre 18, talk to your parents and talk to him under their supervision. Chit chatting with him is already sinful, but a reason why it's prohibited us because it can lead to sins that are much more serious. Please read the story of Barsisa, sis. If someone pious could fall into that, then what about you and I? Freemixing opens the door to very harmful things, and this is a trap of shaytan. You're going to turn 18 in many months and only Allah knows what can happen in that amount of time. May Allah give you the strength to do what's right.

      Here's the story of Barsisa: https://abdurrahman.org/2009/10/31/s...he-worshipper/
      Last edited by .khayriyyah.; 03-09-18, 04:52 PM.
      "Had Allah lifted the veil for his slave and shown him how He handles his affairs for him, and how Allah is more keen for the benefit of the slave than his own self, his heart would have melted out of the love for Allah and would have been torn to pieces out of thankfulness to Allah. Therefore if the pains of this world tire you do not grieve. For it may be that Allah wishes to hear your voice by way of duaa. So pour out your desires in prostration and forget about it and know; that verily Allah does not forget it."
      - Ibn al Qayyim (rahimahullah)

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by MJ1234 View Post
        Hi,
        basically Iím wanting some serious advice as Iím currently 16, turning 17 in a few months and I have liked this guy who is currently 17 and I met him at high school and we have been close for 3 years now and heís liked me ever since but only recently did I start liking him and developed deep feelings for him and I have known him for so long now thereís this oddly coincidental connection we have. We connect on many different levels and we tell each other everything and honestly I do love this guy a lot and I know heís crazy about me. His mum already knows about me but the problem is his dad is really strict and has got the Pakistani typical mind set of when youíre old enough to marry your cousin from Pakistan and he doesnít want that at all. My mum also knows about him but she knows how Iím close friends with him nothing else because no one would understand this deep connection we have. In the generation we live in today itís hard for young people because people today are just so out of control and commit huge sins before marriage and honestly we want to prevent any of this. Recently he mentioned about getting a secret marriage at the age of when we are both 18 so that nothing is haram because even talking on a daily is classed as really bad. I know 18 is still a really young age but the problem is I wouldnít know how to tell my mum because he mentioned this to his mum the other day and she wasnít saying no to it. If I went ahead with this I would most definitely tell my mum because sheís more of a best friend to me more than anything and Iím close to her in that sense. Can someone please advise me on what to do it would be much appreciated.
        Concentrate on your studies.

        Comment


        • #5
          "because no one would understand this deep connection we have. "

          Habibti your dad is going to get you married to ashraf from pakistan
          They say you contradicted the sayings of the shuyookh
          And they don't mind contradicting the Furqan

          I contradicted the sayings of the shuyookh
          For you have contradicted the one who came with the Qur'an

          Comment


          • #6
            You got to do things the halal way. 100% halal otherwise there will be no barakah in the marriage (if Allah would even call it a marriage), a major deficiency and it's going to bite you on the back on The Day of Resurrection.

            You probably have deep feelings because you are most likely doing something not halal (not correct) so you need to lay off in whatever you are doing such as texting each other or whatever it is otherwise, you are just going to fuel it which is that love and seeding the haram.

            There is no point in a marriage even if you have the support of your parents but not the support of your creator who is Ar-Rahman (The Extremely loving and merciful) who is infinitely greater and more loving than your parents.

            So the first step, is to re-examine your situation and rectify the path to get the help of Allah. So that means no meaningless talking or chitchat unless it is absolutely important and not being alone together.

            Do not confuse love with infatuation.

            After you have made everything and continuously to conduct things in a halal manner, you must make extensive dua but remember Allah is Al-Hakeem (The Wise) so whatever he gives is from good and his not giving is good as part his knowledge that something may have harmed in you the future.

            Also, it may be hard because of emotions but really think about it. The Muslim is encouraged to marry young, There were Sahaba that got married at 11 and older but there is responsibility in marriage and you are going to notice each others bad habits so don't the Shaytaan beauty things for you. Think about it hard and earnestly, there is responsibility in marriage.

            I ask Allah (SWT) to give you good and to help us worship him in the best manner in the correct manner.
            I am just a simple nomad.

            Ephemeral reader

            Comment


            • #7
              In the generation we live in today itís hard for young people because people today are just so out of control and commit huge sins before marriage and honestly we want to prevent any of this.
              What a relief. May Allaah keep you safe from major sins and expiate your minor sins.


              I would most definitely tell my mum because sheís more of a best friend to me more than anything and Iím close to her in that sense.
              This is the perfect opportunity for you to do an Istikhaara and talk to your mom.

              I will assume you do not know what Istikhaara is. I assume this based on your young age.

              Believe when I tell you this, Isitikahaara is the best thing. How can it not be when The Messenger of Allaah (sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam) taught it to his (sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam) Companions (may Allaah pleased with them) like he (sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam) taught the Suurah(s) of the Qur'aan


              Do this.


              Make Wuduu.


              Make an intention to pray 2 Rak'ah Istikhaara prayer.


              Pray two Rak'ah prayer like you do Fajr prayer.


              Once you have completed recite the dua shown below


              Click image for larger version

Name:	istikhaara dua.jpg
Views:	1
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              When you reach the portion which reaches hadhaa al-amr state the following:


              Ya Allaah I want to marry this man and I am going to tell my mother.


              Complete the dua.


              Go tell your mother.


              If this is good for you Allaah will make everything easy for you and bless you in it.

              If this matter is not good for you He will take you away from it and give you something better and make you happy with it.


              Please do this and tell us how things went.

              And protect yourself from impermissible things at all times.


              Watch those eyes

              Comment


              • #8
                Please also visit the this link.

                It has the roman if you need to use that to recite the dua.


                Also please concentrate on the English translation.


                Notice how powerful this dua is.
                Watch those eyes

                Comment


                • #9
                  Yeah, best thing you can do is pray istikhara, sis. Don't write it off, it's incredibly helpful.
                  "Had Allah lifted the veil for his slave and shown him how He handles his affairs for him, and how Allah is more keen for the benefit of the slave than his own self, his heart would have melted out of the love for Allah and would have been torn to pieces out of thankfulness to Allah. Therefore if the pains of this world tire you do not grieve. For it may be that Allah wishes to hear your voice by way of duaa. So pour out your desires in prostration and forget about it and know; that verily Allah does not forget it."
                  - Ibn al Qayyim (rahimahullah)

                  Comment

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