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  • Am I a bad woman?

    AOA Brothers and Sisters,

    I was engaged to a mufti in my family. That time I got this thought in my mind that why Allah has chosen me for him. He was so pious and I was a normal modern-day girl who takes hijab but has male friends too, listens to music, watch movies, pray and fast too. That time, he was teaching in a madrassa. my family knew about his family plan of settling him somewhere. we talked and we discussed things. I wanted to keep studying and teach at a university. He said he won't allow. somehow this engagement kept on going for two years. No matter how much we tried, we would develop issues. The engagement ended after two years. Now he is getting married to a girl who does parda as per Islam, has a degree in science from a reputed university and belong to a religious family.

    I feel so down. I believe that our marriage was not written in our destiny but I feel so down to think that Allah put me in his life and took me out just to prove him that there are bad women like me in the world or to make him more thankful towards HIm for granting a good wife which is not like me. I feel so down to feel that for Allah I am a bad woman.

    If this relation was not in our destiny then what was the point of bringing me into his life and he in my life? Whatever post married life i wanted with him, now his wife will enjoy. All the things he said he won't allow me, his wife will do all those things. What is this?

  • #2
    Originally posted by Khadija View Post
    AOA Brothers and Sisters,

    I was engaged to a mufti in my family. That time I got this thought in my mind that why Allah has chosen me for him. He was so pious and I was a normal modern-day girl who takes hijab but has male friends too, listens to music, watch movies, pray and fast too. That time, he was teaching in a madrassa. my family knew about his family plan of settling him somewhere. we talked and we discussed things. I wanted to keep studying and teach at a university. He said he won't allow. somehow this engagement kept on going for two years. No matter how much we tried, we would develop issues. The engagement ended after two years. Now he is getting married to a girl who does parda as per Islam, has a degree in science from a reputed university and belong to a religious family.

    I feel so down. I believe that our marriage was not written in our destiny but I feel so down to think that Allah put me in his life and took me out just to prove him that there are bad women like me in the world or to make him more thankful towards HIm for granting a good wife which is not like me. I feel so down to feel that for Allah I am a bad woman.

    If this relation was not in our destiny then what was the point of bringing me into his life and he in my life? Whatever post married life i wanted with him, now his wife will enjoy. All the things he said he won't allow me, his wife will do all those things. What is this?
    Wsalam,

    It has allowed you to look at your faults and now gives you an opportunity to fix them. Don't do the self pity thing, it's pointless.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by zi-zizou View Post

      Wsalam,

      It has allowed you to look at your faults and now gives you an opportunity to fix them. Don't do the self pity thing, it's pointless.
      This whole exercise brought me zillat in the family. Why? Why Allah wanted to degrade me in front of all. I feel ashamed in going to my relatives. Now, when am seeing that the guy is getting a better life and wife than me, i dont feel jealous, i am just getting this feeling that i was wrong that time and Allah is testing me hard.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Khadija View Post
        This whole exercise brought me zillat in the family. Why? Why Allah wanted to degrade me in front of all. I feel ashamed in going to my relatives. Now, when am seeing that the guy is getting a better life and wife than me, i dont feel jealous, i am just getting this feeling that i was wrong that time and Allah is testing me hard.
        Asalamu alaikum rahmatullah wa barakatu
        Maybe view this as a wake up call. The rewards Allah has in Jannah for those who rectify themselves is far better than getting married to this guy. Fix your Deen and InshaAllah Allah will provide you with someone better
        Also have good thoughts about Allah. This guy could have been bad for your Dunya or your akhirah or your Deen. Allah could have saved you from a miserable married life you just don't know think good of Allah

        May Allah grant you khair in both the worlds

        ​​​​​​​Asalamu alaikum rahmatullah wa barakatu
        Imagine sleeping without praying isha and then waking up in your grave- bilal Phillips

        Comment


        • #5
          You're such a Pakistani.

          "All the things he said he won't allow me, his wife will do all those things"

          this is just an assumption of yours stop accusing him. Look you are right this is the qadar of Allah what is not yours will NEVER be yours and what is meant for you it Wil never miss you.

          maybe Allah wanted to show you that you need to stop all those sins and turn to Him.also idk why you are playing the victim because you clearly understand that you were doing munkar and now you are blaming Allah for it? Everything bad is from our own hands.

          why don't you thank Allah for this eye opener and repent and abandon your sins instead
          They say you contradicted the sayings of the shuyookh
          And they don't mind contradicting the Furqan

          I contradicted the sayings of the shuyookh
          For you have contradicted the one who came with the Qur'an

          Comment


          • #6
            Sis, if you feel like this is a trial, say this dhikr and Allah will replace him with someone better:



            Umm Salamah (radhi allahu anha) reported that she heard Allah's Messenger say, "Whenever an affliction strikes a believer

            and he says,


            "Inna lillahi wa Inna Ilaihi Raji'un. Allahumma ajurni fi musibati wakhluf li khayran minha."


            انا لله وانا اليه راجعون؛ اللهم اجرني في مصيبتي واخلفلي خيرا منها

            "Indeed, we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we will return. O Allah! Reward me for my calamity, and replace it for me that which is better."



            Allah will surely reward him for it and replace it for him with a better thing. Umm Salamah (radhi allahu anha) added, so, when Abu Salamah (her husband) died, Allah enabled me to say this (du'a), and He replaced him for me with Allah's Messenger." [Saheeh Muslim]

            "Surely, We will test you with fear, hunger, loss of wealth and life and the fruits of your work but give glad tidings to the patient - those who, when afflicted with a calamity say, "nna lillahi wa Inna Ilaihi Raji'un." Those are the ones upon whom are bestowed blessings and mercy from their Lord, and those are the ones who are (truly) guided." [Soorah al-Baqarah (2):155-7]

            I've said this before on the forum but this dua helped me so much when I was given the bad news of having scarring and damage in my brain, and was losing my vision cos of this.

            I kept saying this dua and saw many blessings in my life and symptoms like vision loss and mobility difficulties cos of the brain damage was cured afterwards.

            Please be patient, say the above and Allah will give u a better husband.
            Last edited by LailaTheMuslim; 03-09-18, 09:40 AM.
            وَاقْصِدْ فِي مَشْيِكَ وَاغْضُضْ مِن صَوْتِكَ ۚ إِنَّ أَنكَرَ الْأَصْوَاتِ لَصَوْتُ الْحَمِيرِ - 31:19

            And be moderate in your pace and lower your voice; indeed, the most disagreeable of sounds is the voice of donkeys."


            أَلَمْ تَرَوْا أَنَّ اللَّهَ سَخَّرَ لَكُم مَّا فِي السَّمَاوَاتِ وَمَا فِي الْأَرْضِ وَأَسْبَغَ عَلَيْكُمْ نِعَمَهُ ظَاهِرَةً وَبَاطِنَةً ۗ وَمِنَ النَّاسِ مَن يُجَادِلُ فِي اللَّهِ بِغَيْرِ عِلْمٍ وَلَا هُدًى وَلَا كِتَابٍ مُّنِيرٍ - 31:20

            Do you not see that Allah has made subject to you whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth and amply bestowed upon you His favors, [both] apparent and unapparent? But of the people is he who disputes about Allah without knowledge or guidance or an enlightening Book [from Him].


            Please take a look at my travel booking website : https://destinationfindertravel.com/

            Please take a look at my blog : http://thinkingmuslima.blogspot.co.uk/

            Comment


            • #7
              You're not a "bad" woman sister.

              Being in talks with someone for two years - is bound to have this affect.

              You should try and "get over" this brother, and think of him as a non-Mahram. Don't give him headspace.

              Immerse yourself in a project and it will get easier in time In Sha Allaah.

              Also - male friends, music, watching movies - are all actions which contradict Islaam. Please try and rid yourself of these.


              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Khadija View Post
                AOA Brothers and Sisters,

                I was engaged to a mufti in my family. That time I got this thought in my mind that why Allah has chosen me for him. He was so pious and I was a normal modern-day girl who takes hijab but has male friends too, listens to music, watch movies, pray and fast too. That time, he was teaching in a madrassa. my family knew about his family plan of settling him somewhere. we talked and we discussed things. I wanted to keep studying and teach at a university. He said he won't allow. somehow this engagement kept on going for two years. No matter how much we tried, we would develop issues. The engagement ended after two years. Now he is getting married to a girl who does parda as per Islam, has a degree in science from a reputed university and belong to a religious family.

                I feel so down. I believe that our marriage was not written in our destiny but I feel so down to think that Allah put me in his life and took me out just to prove him that there are bad women like me in the world or to make him more thankful towards HIm for granting a good wife which is not like me. I feel so down to feel that for Allah I am a bad woman.

                If this relation was not in our destiny then what was the point of bringing me into his life and he in my life? Whatever post married life i wanted with him, now his wife will enjoy. All the things he said he won't allow me, his wife will do all those things. What is this?
                If nothing other than opening your eyes, and giving you a chance to rectify yourself,

                He has Gheerah for his wife, protective jealousy and doesn't want his wife to be in a mixed environment, is willing to provide for her. Wife can study from home or in a female only environment.
                ​​​​
                A pious wife will accept those conditions, there is nothing wrong with that.

                جزاك الله خيرا
                http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

                "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

                – Imam al-Shafi’i (Rahimahullah)

                Comment


                • #9
                  Sis, maybe Allah showed you what can be, but you need to work before you can have it. You can have a pious husband in sha Allah, but you need to try harder sis, quit listening to music alltogether, try concentrating in prayer, let islam be the most important thing in your life and nothing else, try to cover up better, try to do every action with the consience that allah can see you, try to ask yourself "would i dare do this in front of the prophet or one of his wives?"

                  its okay to fail, but dont let it drag you down more, let it build you up, let it make you stronger
                  يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

                  O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

                  Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Khadija View Post

                    This whole exercise brought me zillat in the family. Why? Why Allah wanted to degrade me in front of all. I feel ashamed in going to my relatives. Now, when am seeing that the guy is getting a better life and wife than me, i dont feel jealous, i am just getting this feeling that i was wrong that time and Allah is testing me hard.
                    I understand when people around you are moving on and appear to be happy, it brings self-doubt. Here is the thing, you have no idea if she is a better woman or if he will have a better life with her. From outside appearances, maybe it looks that way now, but sometimes it takes years to see what really develops. So, I wouldn’t worry about what he/she is doing, because it probably isn’t half as great as you think. Focus on yourself and what makes you happy. If you feel you need to change, then work on it, but don’t base your future on what you think other people have/want/are doing.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Don't assume the worst in this situation. Questions qadar is a dangerous thing to do.We have to put our trust in Him swt. The wisdom is with him and not us.

                      What you want isnt what you need sometimes.Maybe he was better sutited for that woman than you. You need try and get over him and fix your emotional state first.
                      Ya Allah,
                      Make me a stronger person today. Make me a better person out of all these. It is no longer bearable for me for my heart is aching and You are the only One who knows how I feel. Nothing is making sense to myself and for anyone else for that matter especially to the one person I wish to understand me better than anybody else.
                      "Don't use the sharpness of your tongue on the mother who taught you how to speak

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Khadija View Post
                        AOA Brothers and Sisters,
                        وعليكم السلام



                        I feel so down.

                        Being down during a test is normal.


                        The important thing you must keep in mind is that your feelings of sadness should not push you into despair. Many times people suffer a trial and end up despairing. Do not despair. The bounties of Allaah have no limits. When you lose something and bear it with patience seeking a reward with Allaah, more often than not, you are given so much better in this world and Allaah has promised his believing slaves, both males and females, such delight in the next world which no heart has felt nor any eye has seen.

                        Allaah does not go against His Promise.

                        So, please do not despair. Do not allow your feelings of being sad push you in that direction. The devil will try his utmost. But despair is not the way and May Allaah protect you from it. Know that there is no limit to His bounties.



                        I believe that our marriage was not written in our destiny but I feel so down to think that Allah put me in his life and took me out just to prove him that there are bad women like me in the world
                        Sister in faith, the fact that you think and deliberate shows you are an intelligent person. It is a blessing from Allaah. It is something good you have been given.

                        However, there are times when we must not let your intellect get the best of us. Why Allaah does something is only known to Him.

                        Consider this. You believe, as a Muslim, that there is nothing like Allaah. You believe, as a Muslim, that the Knowledge of Allaah cannot be compared to anything.


                        Then, how can we conclude Allaah did this or He did that? Doing so is being unfair to ourselves. When we admit, as Muslims, and accept, without any doubt, that Allaah is not like us and His Knowledge is unparalleled, then the wise will never try to discern what Allaah did or does as he knows full well that doing so will avail no fruit but will only give the cursed devil the opportunity to use your moment of sadness to make you think about Allaah which does not befit Him.


                        So, please avoid being unfair to yourself. What Allaah does and why He does it is only known to Him.


                        If this relation was not in our destiny then what was the point of bringing me into his life and he in my life?
                        Once we have established that we should not attempt to discern why Allaah does something as it is not the way of a wise Muslim, then we must resort to the Qur'aan and the Sunnah to help guide us at times such as the one you are faced with.


                        You agree you have been tested.

                        The Qur'aan tells us we will be tested. Then Allaah tells us that we will be rewarded. In another Verse Allaah says that no misfortune comes your way but is because of your sins.


                        If good befalls you, it distresses them; but if disaster strikes you, they say, "We took our matter [in hand] before," and turn away while they are rejoicing.

                        [Qur'aan 7:168]


                        Allaah also says in another place

                        And We divided them throughout the earth into nations. Of them some were righteous, and of them some were otherwise. And We tested them with good [times] and bad that perhaps they would return [to obedience].

                        [Qur'aan 7:168]


                        You are a brave woman who has admitted that she indulged in things like music and other things which a Muslim should avoid. A Muslim is not pricked by a thorn but his evil deeds are erased from his account.

                        Your sadness, as long as you bear it with patience, will wipe our your bad deeds. At the same time, you must work to fix your shortcomings which you have outlined. Remember, if we are thankful for the blessings Allaah gives us then He increases us in those blessings.


                        Allaah says

                        And [remember] when your Lord proclaimed, 'If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]; but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe.' "

                        [Qur'aan 14:7]



                        And to be thankful does not mean that one just keep saying Allaah I am thankful. It means, as the scholars have outlined, that one try his best to avoid sins. So, if a person continues to indulge in things Allaah has forbidden, that is equivalent to being ungrateful.

                        When a person is ungrateful, the blessings begin to decrease.


                        Whatever post married life i wanted with him, now his wife will enjoy. All the things he said he won't allow me, his wife will do all those things. What is this?
                        If he forbade you from doing things but allows his other wife to do them, then that alone says a lot about his character. In that case, you should not worry he left. If, on the other hand, he keeps her away from the things he told you to stay away from and she does, then you should be happy for her that she is doing what has been prescribed in Islaam.

                        We should want for our Muslims what we want for ourselves. Do not let your feelings get the better of you here. Do not let the devil fill your heart with jealousy for the other. Be happy for them. We as Muslims are told to want for our Muslims what we want for ourselves.


                        When you open up your heart with happiness for the other for the Sake of Allaah, He will, in shaa Allaah, fill your life with bounties which you cannot even imagine. And you will feel good because you are doing what Allaah has told us to do. Do not feel about them the way you do.

                        Remember, Allaah's bounties are without limits. Ask Him for better than what was taken away from you.


                        I feel so down to feel that for Allah I am a bad woman.

                        There are two sides to this coin. You can choose which one you prefer

                        We are all bad people. We are sinners. All we can do is try and hope Allaah forgives us.

                        We are not bad people. Allaah blessed us to be among the Ummah of the best of creation (sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam). We sin but we must not despair. We must get up when we fall down. We must continue and hope Allaah accepts us.


                        Both approaches work. It just depends on your personality. The first approach can keep you humble but has the downside of pushing you into despair. Despair is a dangerous thing. The devil has pushed people over the edge and ruined the chances in the next world.

                        The second approach usually keeps you away from despair but has the potential to push you into arrogance. Those with a mustard seed of arrogance will not enter Paradise.


                        Whatever approach you choose, just remember, you are not alone. We all, as Muslims, have flaws we must work on. We all have our trials. We all have tests. Such will be the case until we reach our destination and true home.


                        May Allaah unite us all in Paradise.
                        Watch those eyes

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Helpful replies

                          Just wanted to add don't ponder about him, he is also a human being and now he is getting married it would be a mistake to keep thinking about someone else's husband to be, it's not right. Being a mufti does not mean he would have been your happiness or that he was this perfect being.

                          sometimes it's the person that we expected to be something amazing can end up being the opposite and therefore a test for us.

                          Forget him and his wife (they are not your business and you will have to detach from him and all these comparisons in your head), I understand the cultural environment can make this a bit difficult but try your best to stay strong.

                          Allah does not degrade his servants, isn't it terrible that us ungrateful creatures always blame Allah and instead worship/obsess over his creations?

                          Then we expect to be happy.

                          Allah gives his servants an opportunity to get closer to him to help you with your akhira.

                          Never show ingratitude to Allah, I know we can become forgetful but we need Allah, he is the only source of peace.

                          It is just a lesson in life. Life is not perfect and we don't have control over many things but we can choose to get closer to Allah





                          'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                          So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Nvm, misread OP.
                            ​​​​​
                            Last edited by Stoic Believer; 03-09-18, 05:14 PM.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Then change (i.e your bad habits).

                              You can still be his second wi--

                              Keep trying and improving and by the will of Allah, He can reward you with someone better for you.

                              Time and patience. And trusting your creator.
                              I am just a simple nomad.

                              Ephemeral reader

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