Ads by Muslim Ad Network

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

I need remarriage advice please

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • I need remarriage advice please

    As salamu alaykum,
    I'm really embarrassed to share my story but I need advice. To give you a quick background, when I was 17 my parents forced me to marry a man 10 years older than me. They took me to the Middle East and my dad told me I would not be allowed back to the UK unless I married him so I foolishly did. When I was 18 my husband told me if I did not get pregnant he would leave me. My parents told me if he did leave me, they wouldn't help me and I would be alone/homeless etc. At the time I was in university and I didn't want to jeopardise it and have to drop out because of that so I had to get off birth control. I know now I was really stupid to do such a thing but I was young and naive. I got pregnant and had my son at 19.

    My husband wasn't a great man. He would openly cheat, be violent, hide all the money from me and he was really emotionally manipulative. But he is a charming guy to people on the outside so nobody believed me.

    We had so many problems. I tried to leave him so many times but my parents would force me back. Finally early this year I got a divorce which my parents were really angry with. My husband took the house and everything in it.

    I am now 22 and living in a b&b with my toddler. I had to leave my well-paid job in a hospital, take my son out of nursery and leave everything. Nobody I know in real life has any idea what I've been going through because I'm so ashamed of it all. I still keep in contact with my parents because they are my parents and I could never be angry with them or hold a grudge against them.

    What I need Islamic advice is on remarriage. There have been men approaching my parents asking for my hand, but my dad has said he will never allow me to get remarried as a way to punish me for asking for a divorce. I am not looking to remarry at the moment, but if the time does come eventually that I do want companionship, what are my options? I don't want to go down the haram route of meeting guys myself and going out etc. I really want to get married in the future with my parents blessing but if they're refusing to let me, what is the Islamic ruling on this?

    Jzk

  • #2
    Wa'alaykumasalaam

    May Allah make things easy for you. You are a good daughter from what you've written and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

    If your father is rejecting men for no good reason other than his anger then you can take your case to a scholar and he can rule that your father loses his status as the guardian for marriage. I don't know who the guardianship passes unto.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Rsister23 View Post
      As salamu alaykum,
      I'm really embarrassed to share my story but I need advice. To give you a quick background, when I was 17 my parents forced me to marry a man 10 years older than me. They took me to the Middle East and my dad told me I would not be allowed back to the UK unless I married him so I foolishly did. When I was 18 my husband told me if I did not get pregnant he would leave me. My parents told me if he did leave me, they wouldn't help me and I would be alone/homeless etc. At the time I was in university and I didn't want to jeopardise it and have to drop out because of that so I had to get off birth control. I know now I was really stupid to do such a thing but I was young and naive. I got pregnant and had my son at 19.

      My husband wasn't a great man. He would openly cheat, be violent, hide all the money from me and he was really emotionally manipulative. But he is a charming guy to people on the outside so nobody believed me.

      We had so many problems. I tried to leave him so many times but my parents would force me back. Finally early this year I got a divorce which my parents were really angry with. My husband took the house and everything in it.

      I am now 22 and living in a b&b with my toddler. I had to leave my well-paid job in a hospital, take my son out of nursery and leave everything. Nobody I know in real life has any idea what I've been going through because I'm so ashamed of it all. I still keep in contact with my parents because they are my parents and I could never be angry with them or hold a grudge against them.

      What I need Islamic advice is on remarriage. There have been men approaching my parents asking for my hand, but my dad has said he will never allow me to get remarried as a way to punish me for asking for a divorce. I am not looking to remarry at the moment, but if the time does come eventually that I do want companionship, what are my options? I don't want to go down the haram route of meeting guys myself and going out etc. I really want to get married in the future with my parents blessing but if they're refusing to let me, what is the Islamic ruling on this?

      Jzk
      Take your case to a trustworthy and knowledgeable scholar. He can revoke your father's guardianship and then help you remarry.

      May Allah make it easy for you, sister.

      Comment


      • #4
        Walikumsalam,

        You are very mature for your age so well done for managing this all by yourself.

        I really wish I could provide you with some help.

        If you are currently in the UK there should be more help available to you.

        Get in touch with your local authority and see what they say. They help single mums so please call them and tell them about your living situation, especially as a young mum they ought to help you.

        The last thing you want is another freak to take advantage of your situation. Some scummy men think just because you are divorced means you are desperate too.

        Parents like this are so difficult. It is very evil to behave like this with their own child.

        Good on you for being patient, Allah will reward you.

        I'm alot older than you and honestly my blood would be boiling because I can be stubborn. I'm only saying this so that it encourages you to be better and keep patient and calm.


        It's quite hard to trust people, everyone has different motives.

        I don't know any trustworthy scholars.

        The one problem with getting a 'guardian' for remarriage will only severe ties with your dad. Something to remember.


        Maybe influence your mum. Your dad sounds like hard work with messed up logic, punishing his daughter for divorcing.

        Lol just when I thought I have seen and heard it all

        ​​​​​​You want your parents blessings so if you take this route it will be harder to get your dad on board.

        Don't take the haram route, it's cheap and undignified.
        May Allah protect us. Ameen. ​​​​You can do better because you sound like someone who deserves better in Sha Allah.

        I'm not too familiar with mosques but there is a mosque in London which you can Google, they have sisters section so you should email them.

        May Allah subhana wa ta ala make you successful in this life and the hereafter. Ameen

        'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

        So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

        Comment


        • #5
          This was a forced marriage incident so it's up to you sister but in these cases you will definitely get some sort of help in the UK.

          Forced marriages are illegal in the UK and your parents can easily get in trouble.

          It's a typical story of taking their teenage daughter back home, she gets pregnant, compromises education and everything else and then has nowhere to go. On top of that DV is involved.

          You have to take action but again, you will have to ask yourself how merciful you want to be and how far you want to take this.

          Don't suffer in silence and don't feel like you have to live in a BnB. There has to be financial available for you.

          Don't be embarrassed, you didn't anything wrong, you were young and innocent just like many who get forced into these types of marriages.

          Make dua to Allah to soften your dad's stone cold heart.


          ​​​​​​

          'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

          So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Rsister23 View Post
            As salamu alaykum,
            I'm really embarrassed to share my story but I need advice. To give you a quick background, when I was 17 my parents forced me to marry a man 10 years older than me. They took me to the Middle East and my dad told me I would not be allowed back to the UK unless I married him so I foolishly did. When I was 18 my husband told me if I did not get pregnant he would leave me. My parents told me if he did leave me, they wouldn't help me and I would be alone/homeless etc. At the time I was in university and I didn't want to jeopardise it and have to drop out because of that so I had to get off birth control. I know now I was really stupid to do such a thing but I was young and naive. I got pregnant and had my son at 19.

            My husband wasn't a great man. He would openly cheat, be violent, hide all the money from me and he was really emotionally manipulative. But he is a charming guy to people on the outside so nobody believed me.

            We had so many problems. I tried to leave him so many times but my parents would force me back. Finally early this year I got a divorce which my parents were really angry with. My husband took the house and everything in it.

            I am now 22 and living in a b&b with my toddler. I had to leave my well-paid job in a hospital, take my son out of nursery and leave everything. Nobody I know in real life has any idea what I've been going through because I'm so ashamed of it all. I still keep in contact with my parents because they are my parents and I could never be angry with them or hold a grudge against them.

            What I need Islamic advice is on remarriage. There have been men approaching my parents asking for my hand, but my dad has said he will never allow me to get remarried as a way to punish me for asking for a divorce. I am not looking to remarry at the moment, but if the time does come eventually that I do want companionship, what are my options? I don't want to go down the haram route of meeting guys myself and going out etc. I really want to get married in the future with my parents blessing but if they're refusing to let me, what is the Islamic ruling on this?

            Jzk
            My dear sister in islam, you have no reason to be ashamed, quite the opposite, you are a strong and exceptionally mature young lady. You should be proud of helping yourself to get out of that abusive relationship. My dear sister, please focus on rebuilding yourself, be kind and loving to yourself, you may feel guilty of having done this or that, or not having something, but dear sister know that whatever happened was part of the plan of Allah. As i was reading your post, it reminded me of my own story, which is very similar to yours. Only difference is mine happened over 10 years ago, and only recently have i started counselling to help me process what happened to me all these years ago. SubhanAllah i feel liberated from all those conflicting feelings, all those feelings i had tried so hard to ignore, but there were there and to truly move on, you have to face what is troubling you, process it, make sense of it and put it in a place where it can no longer influence you. In fact i wish i had started therapy much sooner, but SubhanAllah whatever Allah plans is always the best. So dear sister, i encourage you to look into counselling, and give it a go. Also, maybe intially focus on yourself, your child, your education etc before wanting to remarry. Give yourself time to understand yourself, to heal, to forgive yourself, to let go...May Allah appease your heart and your worries, may Allah improve your situation, may He protect you and your child, may He soften the hearts of your parents towards you and put love and mercy in their hearts towards you, may He bless your path, may He forgive you and place you amongst His closest ones.

            "Hide your good deeds (from the people) just like you hide your evil deeds."

            Comment


            • #7
              Walaykum salam,

              Sorry to hear you've been through such a rough time. My understanding of this issue (by all means correct me if I'm wrong), is that a virgin/single woman needs the consent of a wali in order to get married, but it is not compulsory for a widow or divorcee to have the consent of her guardian in order to get married. Of course it would be better to have a guardian anyway because sadly as someone else mentioned, there are some vultures out there who look for lone vulnerable young women to exploit and just knowing that you have a male guardian who looks out for you would deter them from approaching you.

              The problem here is, what your dad is doing is unislamic, so he's totally unsuitable as a guardian because he's not looking out for your best interests, he's only thinking of himself. If he cared about your best interests, he wouldn't have forced you to marry and he wouldn't have forced you to return to your cheater husband either. That makes it all the more unlikely that he'd do a competent job of finding someone worthwhile for you to marry. He's unworthy of being a guardian to a cat let alone a human being. As others have said, if you can find a recommended repuatable scholar who can advise on this (a genuine scholar, not one of those charlatans that tells you to "have sabr and put up with the abuse quietly") then someone else can be chosen as your wali instead of your father. If there's another responsible man in your family who would be capable of the role of wali, then it's better to choose a relative such as a grandfather, or mahram uncle, but even an older brother or a younger brother or nephew who is a responsible adult can do this if you don't have elders to turn to. If the family refuse to take on that role, then you'd have to find a responsible adult elsewhere and choose wisely by looking for someone willing to take responsibility in doing a thorough job of checking out potential marriage partners.
              The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

              Comment


              • Abu julaybeeb
                Abu julaybeeb commented
                Editing a comment
                Hanifis say she dont need consent
                The others say u do

            • #8
              Assalaamu Alaikum sister,

              Firstly, I feel for you for whatever you´ve had to go through at quite a young age. May Allah help you; Aameen.

              I don´t have much of an advice except for a minor tip: no matter how trustworthy someone sounds or how much promises someone makes to you or to your parents about giving your child right after your marriage, I´d seriously advice you to never go ahead with anyone without seeking Allah´s Guidance in an Istikhara. Consider it compulsory upon yourself, it´s a very helpful and calming method to be at peace with whatever decision you make. On the hand, if you yourself happen to like someone and entertain the thoughts of a future with him, even then first do Istikhara and then go ahead.

              Comment


              • #9
                I agree with the above poster - Istikhaara is absolutely vital.

                Comment


                • #10
                  Firstly, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You did nothing wrong at all. The only ones that are wrong, if it as you have said, is clearlthat ex-husband of urs and your parents who's job it is to look out for your best interests - as any parent should, and yet they haven't done that. They blamed you for everything. Disgraceful behavior.

                  Speak to your local Imam and ask what you can do. If your father isn't going to allow anyone to marry you out of spite - you can bypass him entirely.
                  And obviously, come back to the U.K

                  May Allah make it easy for you and open up a way out of this hardship.

                  Also check this link:
                  https://www.ummah.com/forum/forum/is...-and-hardships
                  It has many dua for those that are going through hardships.
                  Allah is always watching [VIDEO]

                  How To Weep For The Fear Of Allah

                  Please remember to share these links with people you know so they can also benefit from them. :jkk:

                  Comment

                  Working...
                  X