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Mistakes suffocating me

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  • Mistakes suffocating me

    Salam Ummah, i'm reaching out to you all today in regards to my current situation in hopes of getting it all off my chest and also to receive some advice... i'm a female in my early 20's. Two years ago out of loneliness and emptiness i signed up on a popular muslim dating site seeking marriage just to be clear i'm attractive and get alot of male attention whenever i'm out and in good health but my social and cultural circumstance has really narrowed my options in terms of finding a partner for marriage and thats why i ended up seeking marriage through online at such young age living while in a diverse western country with so many options available... long story short i met someone whom i thought back then was suitable for me so we spoke for awhile on that website and then decided to meet for a coffee anyways we met the guy looked so different from his profile photo which i tried so hard to not let it bother me and instead look at the bright side which was him being a "good" person anyways we spoke that day and exchanged numbers after the meeting he sent me a message thanking me for the good time we had etc after we started texting for like a day or two everything turned upside down and he said he was not ready for marriage and all that stuff so i left him and cut contact with him and never saw him again after that first meeting. I later on also met another guy whom i thought "was the one" and was suitable for me however that didn't last either i later found out he was talking to this other girl was in a "physical" relationship with her so i left him after seeing him on very few dates only and there was no physical contact whatsoever just hanging out at cafes and talking... anyways guys it didn't stop there after awhile i met someone else this time the guy was older, divorced and had a child... anyways i didn't let that bother me because he treated me so well like a queen with so much love and respect brought me gifts took me best places wrote me beautiful long meaningful messaged and so on i really thought he was the one and i was gonna marry him and live happily ever after blahblahblah... and therefore i allowed him to hold my hand whenever we hang out (which i deeply regret now and i pray to Allah to forgive me and heals me from feeling dirty and cheap and unpure and i feel like i have betrayed my unknown husband that i have not met yet) i also left this man and cut contact with him because i later on realised his age and his circumstance is not suitable for me along with other problems he had that i didn't feel comfortable with, he was heartbroken but i had to leave him i couldn't see myself with him anymore. Anyways my story doesn't end there... i later on met someone else which i thought was the most suitable partner for me i was so happy with him like the happiest i have ever been he was almost everything i ever wanted.... anyways days go by and we've gotten much closer to one another we talk all the time and planned on meeting soon and all that good stuff till one night we were on the phone and then he somehow "forced" me to talk dirty with him... i refused so many times but then i gave in to my weakness he said all those things and it just blew me off and got me aroused and next thing i know is me talking dirty to him .. and this happened few times after till i told him we should stop because i was feeling very uncomfortable doing that and the truth is i was i got very disgusted from myself and i feel so guilty and bad and i pray for Allah to forgive me and sad because i probably lost this guy because now he probably thinks i'm bad and have done this before but i honestly not done this with anyone just him... i feel so bad and disgusted and guilty from all my sins i have committed with those guys but wallahi all i ever wanted is marriage and a halal relationship and thats my only intention but i feel like its too late now i feel like i have betrayed the man i destined to marry greatly and on top of that i feel like Allah Is angry with me and therefore due to my sins i wont meet a good man because i'm not worthy of that

  • #2
    Cool story bro.