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  • Trust Issues :(

    This is my second marriage. Iím in USA heís back home, weíve only been married 1year and 6 months but every week we have to argue about something. As much as I try to avoid problems by letting things go and not questioning him about things that might seem out of the normal line, but he on the other side always finds something to get upset about.
    Ill put put down a few examples just to be clear:
    he says that he hates to see me upset but heís the only person these days thatís really putting me down mentally. Hereís how:
    out of of the blue he puts his suicidal mood on and say all crazy things about hating his life hating everything and just wants to die, and shows me a pic of a belt that he tied to the ceiling as if itís suicidal tool. when I ask him why whatís wrong? He says nothing. Doesnít want me to ask questions and if I donít all of sudden I donít seem to care if I lose him. This drives me nuts.
    most of our conversation is on whatsapp, so before I sleepy I would use an emoji heart and kiss. Usually he sends it back but sometimes when heís in a nasty mood he treats me like nothing and yet I continue to give him that before I sleep. One night I gave him the kiss and heart and went to sleep. When I woke up I see 25 calls from him and a few messages saying ďwhy didnít u ask for a kiss back?Ē ďThanx a lot for showing how much u careĒ . My mind went blank. Why do I need to ask for the kiss why donít u just give it and if u donít feel like giving it then Iím not asking for it Iíd rather sleep.
    Now, this happens. Please Iím here just for advice. So those of you who are willing to do so then please read this part very carefully,
    hes been treating me so me so badly for the past week. When I say baldy I mean this.
    Me: I miss you.
    him. Ok
    me: i said I miss u
    him: I heard you I get it
    me: donít u miss me?
    him: I donít know
    me: why are u talking to me like this?
    him: if you donít like it go to sleep
    me: I like your nice words not this
    him: ok
    me: whatís wrong?
    him: i said nothing
    me: talk to me whatís going on
    him: there is nothing to talk about
    me: why donít u want to talk?
    him: I have nothing to talk about if you have something important say it or go to sleep
    me: this is not the way to talk to your wife you are doing too much!!
    him: if u donít like it go sleep.
    so basically, this was his way of talking to me for the past week. When I had enough of it I told him Iím gonna stop talking to him unless I come once a week to see how heís doing. So I stopped talking to him for 3 days then I saw him online and asked him how is he? He said good. Then he says ď I wish you a good life and please forgive me for anythingĒ. I said what r u doing ? He said ďyou donít need me anymoreĒ I asked why is he saying that?
    He said that he seen my name on my cousins number and seen messages between me and him. I swore to him it was not me. I asked him did he check the number he said no. Thatís when I felt something fishy is going on. Why would he see the name and not check the number? His excuse is when he saw the name he went blind out of shock. I asked him so u basically believed I would do such a thing so u basically donít trust me? And I asked him when did this happen he says a week ago. So this whole week you were treating me like crap because of this story which I asked you whatís wrong and u refused to talk. He said maybe itís his cousin whoís playing a joke on him by taking my cousins phone changing my cousins Sis name to my name.
    He said his cousin did it and he will go fight him.
    Mom not so convinced, I told him listen clearly you have no trust in me when u somehow hacked into my Facebook and when u ask me to send you pic of the name of the contacts on my phone and when u ask of screenshot of the conversations on whatsapp. There is a serious trust issue from your side that you need to take care of. I am not gonna sit here and let you do this to me. Get your self straight and if your doing this to end the marriage then be a man and say so. So he actually tried to end the marriage and he said me and never get along so this isnít working for us. He also blamed me for saying he doesnít trust me. I said ď ok you want to end it go speak to my uncle or I will call him right now and let him know everythingĒ he said ďgo ahead and call himĒ.
    I started Ted crying and losing my mind, I married this guy with so many people telling me not to because of his brothers bad reputation but I decided to be nice and not to judge him according to his brothers reputation. Even my family said itís better to find someone else but I insisted. Now here I am with this failure in front of everyone. A failure that could end in another divorce which drove me nuts. So I spoke to my sister because I needed advice. My older sister was not happy about this and she right away called my uncle and told him everything she also messaged my husband and gave him a few words. All of a sudden heís calling me and writing to me and apologizing and promised this wouldnít happen. I took a deep breath and gave him a warning if anything like this happens again I will not forgive him.

    I donít know how I feel about this whole thing. Iím not sure heís the right person anymore. I forgot to add Iím 3 years older then him. Heís 24. I always give him the excuse that heís just immature and young.

    What are are youíre thoughts on this and advice please.
    :love::love:"Silence ":love::love:

  • #2
    He sounds like a teenager, not ready for marriage at all, not very religious either, doesn't show he cares about you, narcissistic as well, sorry to be so rude about him but the way you put him out there thats definately the thoughts that came to mind.
    يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

    O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

    Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

    Comment


    • innocent-wife
      innocent-wife commented
      Editing a comment
      It’s interesting that you mentioned narcissistic. I’ve actually been watching videos on YouTube about that and he seems like the perfect definition of a narcissist or maybe even worse because he’s very good at the whole mental stress thing. Even got physical once.

  • #3
    Remind yourself of the reasons why you married him.

    -_-

    Comment


    • #4
      I donít see those reasons anymore. I see something else totally different. Scary and nothing good
      :love::love:"Silence ":love::love:

      Comment


      • #5
        Sister sorry to hear what you are going through. May Allah (swt) ease your difficulities.

        I know we can never know anyones real intention unless they truthfully tell us but what reason did he have for marrying you? Was it so that he can come to the USA? It's no excuse for his behaviour but perhaps he wants to be with you in USA.

        Don't know if you have any children but you should think about the effect his behaviour will have on your kids. He does seem childish and an attention seeker. Threatening suicide is not a joke, he needs help.

        I think he was also messing you around because he felt you would not tell anyone about his behaviour if he knows you married him despite being told not too. It is good alhumdulillah your family is aware of what is going on.

        If you are the one who initiates contact first then don't a few times and see if he contacts you. Innyour first post you said you don't know how you feel but in the reply to zi-ziou you said you see nothing good and scary.

        Ask Allah (swt) to help you. Also never think or let anyone make you feel just because you are divorced you have to put up with this kind of behaviour.

        Comment


        • innocent-wife
          innocent-wife commented
          Editing a comment
          Everytime he plays the suicidal card he threatens if I tell anyone everything will be over. But in front of people he’s an angel. I do feel scared. He once pulled out a knife at me and I had to calm him down so he can put it away, then he decided to knock me on the face near my ear. I really do feel like he has a very low self esteem. He cries a lot and makes my day feel heavy just drowning me in suicidal talks. It’s just scary. This is not the guy the people see in public. He’s something diffferent in public. A big muscular good looking rich guy. But at home he’s this weak whiny little sick kid. He did admit that he wants me for the papers but he also said he also wants me as a wife. I do have a daughter from my first marriage and I’m really scared for her. The travel ban now took affect which means he doesn’t have a good chance to come in anytime soon. But I was willing to do everything to help him get here. I even tried to gather some info on how to get him to Canada.
          Last edited by innocent-wife; 22-07-18, 11:42 PM.

      • #6
        He seems to be have some serious mental health issues.

        Comment


        • #7
          Why did you marry him knowing your whole family could see red flags? My advice to you is: don't feel sorry for him. He is mentally screwed up and he's playing games with your mind as well. I used to know a local guy like this during my teens he was like a friend of a friend. I didn't know him that well at first but at some point we talked and he told me he was very depressed and suicidal. I stayed in touch with him because I felt sorry for him (I should add I wasn't religious back then so the concept of not mixing with the opposite gender didn't occur to me) and didn't want anything bad to happen to him even though our mutual acquaintances told me he's a terrible person and they want nothing to do with him but he seemed okay towards me. Anyway eventually my cousin told me that the guy was spreading rumours about me, telling people that I was interested in him and chasing him and things like that. Ever since I found out, I completely blanked him and never talked to him or acknowledged him since- that was over 20 years ago. He's still alive btw, I'm not even sure if his suicidal drama was real or just a ruse to gain sympathy so I wouldn't cut off contact with him, but when I found out he spread rumours, I realised I owe him nothing and if he kills himself tomorrow then I really did not care anymore.

          I don't know whether your husband is a suicidal guy in need of professional help or a manipulative guy causing drama to get his way but my guess is probably a combination of both and that's a very dangerous combination which you can't change. I suggest you wait a month. He said sorry, he's apologised, he said it wont happen again and you said you wont accept this happening again, but leopards don't change their spots. I can guarantee within 6 weeks he'll be back to his old tricks again saying and doing the same thing. If he genuinely wants to change, he will get psychological help from a professional and make an effort to do things differently in which case you can give him a chance but I'm 100% sure he wont do that so just wait for him to go back to playing his mind games again and then tell him I gave you a chance and you blew it so bye.
          The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

          Comment


          • #8
            Well my family picked the first guy and he wasnít all that either thatís why I i is sited to make the next choice but turns out to be even worse. Iím in a really confused stage right now. Iím not sure how to react and what to do next. Iím probably gonna give him another chance just for the heck of it but Iím honestly fed up with men. I know this is wrong to say as a Muslim but I honestly see why some women choose to be lesbian. Astagfiruallah.
            :love::love:"Silence ":love::love:

            Comment


            • ahmedyounes
              ahmedyounes commented
              Editing a comment
              You're fed up with men? You sound like those western feminist movement activists who fight nothing but islam.

              It is obvious that you have married a child, and you still don't care enough. To me it seems that you yourself have issues, and you're just playing the innocent card, while blaming it on your said child husband, Mrs. Innocent-wife. I think you understand your own situation very well, and you know the solution but you are avoiding it.

              You want some sincere advice? Fear allah, and repent.
              Last edited by ahmedyounes; 23-07-18, 03:48 AM.

          • #9
            Originally posted by innocent-wife View Post
            Well my family picked the first guy and he wasnít all that either thatís why I i is sited to make the next choice but turns out to be even worse. Iím in a really confused stage right now. Iím not sure how to react and what to do next. Iím probably gonna give him another chance just for the heck of it but Iím honestly fed up with men. I know this is wrong to say as a Muslim but I honestly see why some women choose to be lesbian. Astagfiruallah.
            If you want things to work out then you need to make a positive effort. With this attitude you give the impression that you just don't care. At the moment you are living apart, is that really going to work out long term?

            Comment


            • #10
              Originally posted by innocent-wife View Post
              Well my family picked the first guy and he wasnít all that either thatís why I i is sited to make the next choice but turns out to be even worse. Iím in a really confused stage right now. Iím not sure how to react and what to do next. Iím probably gonna give him another chance just for the heck of it but Iím honestly fed up with men. I know this is wrong to say as a Muslim but I honestly see why some women choose to be lesbian. Astagfiruallah.
              First marriage you accepted even though u didnt like him
              you can say coerced but then u have free will still
              ive read the threads
              Second guy did u look at his deen not just pray 5 times a day but everything
              second of all peoole warned you
              and u mentione lesbianism
              Allahu musta an

              think about what you say
              you made mistakes no one else

              Comment


              • #11
                Originally posted by innocent-wife View Post
                This is my second marriage. Iím in USA heís back home, weíve only been married 1year and 6 months but every week we have to argue about something. As much as I try to avoid problems by letting things go and not questioning him about things that might seem out of the normal line, but he on the other side always finds something to get upset about.
                Ill put put down a few examples just to be clear:
                he says that he hates to see me upset but heís the only person these days thatís really putting me down mentally. Hereís how:
                out of of the blue he puts his suicidal mood on and say all crazy things about hating his life hating everything and just wants to die, and shows me a pic of a belt that he tied to the ceiling as if itís suicidal tool. when I ask him why whatís wrong? He says nothing. Doesnít want me to ask questions and if I donít all of sudden I donít seem to care if I lose him. This drives me nuts.
                most of our conversation is on whatsapp, so before I sleepy I would use an emoji heart and kiss. Usually he sends it back but sometimes when heís in a nasty mood he treats me like nothing and yet I continue to give him that before I sleep. One night I gave him the kiss and heart and went to sleep. When I woke up I see 25 calls from him and a few messages saying ďwhy didnít u ask for a kiss back?Ē ďThanx a lot for showing how much u careĒ . My mind went blank. Why do I need to ask for the kiss why donít u just give it and if u donít feel like giving it then Iím not asking for it Iíd rather sleep.
                Now, this happens. Please Iím here just for advice. So those of you who are willing to do so then please read this part very carefully,
                hes been treating me so me so badly for the past week. When I say baldy I mean this.
                Me: I miss you.
                him. Ok
                me: i said I miss u
                him: I heard you I get it
                me: donít u miss me?
                him: I donít know
                me: why are u talking to me like this?
                him: if you donít like it go to sleep
                me: I like your nice words not this
                him: ok
                me: whatís wrong?
                him: i said nothing
                me: talk to me whatís going on
                him: there is nothing to talk about
                me: why donít u want to talk?
                him: I have nothing to talk about if you have something important say it or go to sleep
                me: this is not the way to talk to your wife you are doing too much!!
                him: if u donít like it go sleep.
                so basically, this was his way of talking to me for the past week. When I had enough of it I told him Iím gonna stop talking to him unless I come once a week to see how heís doing. So I stopped talking to him for 3 days then I saw him online and asked him how is he? He said good. Then he says ď I wish you a good life and please forgive me for anythingĒ. I said what r u doing ? He said ďyou donít need me anymoreĒ I asked why is he saying that?
                He said that he seen my name on my cousins number and seen messages between me and him. I swore to him it was not me. I asked him did he check the number he said no. Thatís when I felt something fishy is going on. Why would he see the name and not check the number? His excuse is when he saw the name he went blind out of shock. I asked him so u basically believed I would do such a thing so u basically donít trust me? And I asked him when did this happen he says a week ago. So this whole week you were treating me like crap because of this story which I asked you whatís wrong and u refused to talk. He said maybe itís his cousin whoís playing a joke on him by taking my cousins phone changing my cousins Sis name to my name.
                He said his cousin did it and he will go fight him.
                Mom not so convinced, I told him listen clearly you have no trust in me when u somehow hacked into my Facebook and when u ask me to send you pic of the name of the contacts on my phone and when u ask of screenshot of the conversations on whatsapp. There is a serious trust issue from your side that you need to take care of. I am not gonna sit here and let you do this to me. Get your self straight and if your doing this to end the marriage then be a man and say so. So he actually tried to end the marriage and he said me and never get along so this isnít working for us. He also blamed me for saying he doesnít trust me. I said ď ok you want to end it go speak to my uncle or I will call him right now and let him know everythingĒ he said ďgo ahead and call himĒ.
                I started Ted crying and losing my mind, I married this guy with so many people telling me not to because of his brothers bad reputation but I decided to be nice and not to judge him according to his brothers reputation. Even my family said itís better to find someone else but I insisted. Now here I am with this failure in front of everyone. A failure that could end in another divorce which drove me nuts. So I spoke to my sister because I needed advice. My older sister was not happy about this and she right away called my uncle and told him everything she also messaged my husband and gave him a few words. All of a sudden heís calling me and writing to me and apologizing and promised this wouldnít happen. I took a deep breath and gave him a warning if anything like this happens again I will not forgive him.

                I donít know how I feel about this whole thing. Iím not sure heís the right person anymore. I forgot to add Iím 3 years older then him. Heís 24. I always give him the excuse that heís just immature and young.

                What are are youíre thoughts on this and advice please.
                Ukthi seriously who did you marry?

                Nauzubillah

                Its not a good idea to ignire your family and everyones objections about marrying an individual.

                More often than not they have sound reasons for rejection.

                Get the elders involved, if he ever does this sort of behaviour again.

                Him going Phsycho on you as his mood changes , no wife should tolerate this.

                When we seek a spouse we should make all efforts to choose a practicing Muslim of good character,

                So many brothers and sisters end up marrying the wrong person for the wrong reasons, like this lovey dovey first sight nonsense, attraction etc, neglecting the deen/character of the person.

                جزاك الله خيرا

                Last edited by Saif-Uddin; 23-07-18, 06:41 AM.
                http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

                "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

                Ė Imam al-Shafiíi (Rahimahullah)

                Comment


                • innocent-wife
                  innocent-wife commented
                  Editing a comment
                  My family wasn’t treating me like human, and the first guy was their pick and just wasn’t my type but I had no say in it because it was all arranged. So I kinda lost trust in my family. Them saying no just felt like they just wanted me to someone in the family again.

                  I thought this guy was perfect because my uncle said he knows him very well and everyone praised him and complimented him. But now my uncle is really shocked. He said is this guy that promised me he will treat u like a queen and never see a drop of tear on you? I said yes this is him and I guarantee u enjoys seeing millions of tears on me.

                  Yes my daughter surely is the one suffering in all this. But what can I do now. My whole life is basically messed up and I wouldn’t really blame my self. Some of u r saying why don’t I listen to me family but I keep telling u my family basically used me. I was too scared to let them make the same decision again which. And I fought real hard to get out of that marriage because he wasn’t really my choice I didn’t want him or anything to do with him. Until now my mother won’t let go she still gives me looks and names for leaving the first guy even though he remarried and she helped him pick the bride. He doesn’t even care much about his daughter. I am her only parent right now while he’s living his life with his new wife.

                • Saif-Uddin
                  Saif-Uddin commented
                  Editing a comment
                  They didn't treat you like a Human, but they gave you good advice and warned you against this Phsycho ?

                  Hmmmm....

              • #12
                Innocent-Wife,

                iím sorry to hear that youíre struggling with your marriage.
                I recall your situation fairly well. I remember when you were married to your first husband and were contemplating divorce.

                The issues in that situation were that you didnít feel you had enough freedom. From what I recall, your first husband sounded like a decent guy. I explainedto you that going through a divorce, you would become a single mother, which would give you even less freedom than what you had with your husband.

                You went ahead with the divorce. Then, you went t The issues in that situation were that you didnít feel you had enough freedom. From what I recall, your first husband sounded like a decent guy. I explain to you that going through a divorce, you would become a single mother, which would give you even less freedom than what you had with your husband.

                You went ahead with the divorce. Sometime in between you got married again. When you went to your new husbandís country, you had to leave your daughter back at home. That was the freedom that you were looking for, I assume, and then you were sad because you didnít have your daughter.

                Now, we have this situation with your second husband. Iím not sure what to think. These text messages that the two of you are sending to each other, this is not the ideal way for a marriage to take place, through text messages.

                These comments about hearts and kisses , and being mad about replies, these sound like messages between boyfriend and girlfriend in high school. Yíall are a married couple, adults.

                Youíve got to find a way to work through the issues that you have. These men are not disposable. I understand right now youíre young and you have options, but there is going to come a point in your life where youíre not gonna have all of these options in men at your disposal.

                Jumping from one situation to the next, is not going to fix anything, because the problems arenít being solved. The person thatís going to be most affected by this is your daughter. Itís not OK to have men coming in and out of her life.

                I feel as though youíre looking for something outside of yourself, someone to make you happy. Sure, marriage is great , And so is companionship. But, you also have to find a way to be able to make yourself happy.

                I really suggest that you sit down and try to understand why these marriages arenít working out, what poor decisions you may have made along the way, and figure out how you can do better in the future.

                I really hope things work out for you. I really do. Iím just concerned about your daughter for the most part. She needs a mom who is stable and not stressed.
                Last edited by Sister_2009; 23-07-18, 06:47 AM. Reason: On my phone, not correcting spelling, paragraphs, etc.

                Comment


                • innocent-wife
                  innocent-wife commented
                  Editing a comment
                  I honestly can’t reacall any other problems in my life leading to this disaster besides my family and specifically my mother. Ever since I left the first guy she is holding a grudge on me. Even after I got remarried she is still treating me badly and calling me names. I don’t understand why can’t she just let it go. I am so over with it and I’m only wanting to live for my daughter. I don’t want anything else anymore other than to be in a home where I can really take care of my daughter.

              • #13
                Newly married and living apart..

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                **** Smiling won't cost you now is it ****

                Zawjati ,ďUhibbuki mithla m‚ antÍĒ ďUhibbuki kaifam‚ kunteeeĒďWa mahm‚ k‚na mahma s‚raĒ

                Comment


                • innocent-wife
                  innocent-wife commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Unfortunately :(

                • Mintchocchip
                  Mintchocchip commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Sister maybe it is a blessing in disguise not living together. You are getting to know more about him. You said he took a knife to you imagine if you two were living together and had an arguement how far would he go?

              • #14
                You seem to be in a tough predicament.

                1) Forget about the first marriage. You have a daughter, alhamdulillaah, but don't worry about the past when it has already taken place.

                2) These communication issues can be worked on. You seem to be a sensitive person. Maybe instead of typing messages, send voice messages and face-time/video call each other instead?

                Long distance relationships are very difficult, please be patient with your husband. To be honest, it's not a huge issue which can't be resolved with a little bit of maturity and wisdom (on both your parts).

                As for giving up on men altogether then - We still need them, despite our experiences.

                Comment


                • #15
                  Originally posted by Indefinable View Post
                  You seem to be in a tough predicament.

                  1) Forget about the first marriage. You have a daughter, alhamdulillaah, but don't worry about the past when it has already taken place.

                  2) These communication issues can be worked on. You seem to be a sensitive person. Maybe instead of typing messages, send voice messages and face-time/video call each other instead?

                  Long distance relationships are very difficult, please be patient with your husband. To be honest, it's not a huge issue which can't be resolved with a little bit of maturity and wisdom (on both your parts).

                  As for giving up on men altogether then - We still need them, despite our experiences.
                  Tough situation, really?

                  To me it sounds like running for the exit just on a whim. Not once but potentially twice. I'm not sure who the innocent party is.

                  Comment


                  • Indefinable
                    Indefinable commented
                    Editing a comment
                    The long distance bit.

                  • zi-zizou
                    zi-zizou commented
                    Editing a comment
                    The situation is known before signing on the dotted line. When you ignore all the hurdles invariably you fall flat on your face.

                  • Saif-Uddin
                    Saif-Uddin commented
                    Editing a comment
                    True As akhi Zi-Zizou said,
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