Ads by Muslim Ad Network

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Disowned by family due to my marriage-how to deal with it

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Disowned by family due to my marriage-how to deal with it

    Salaam everyone,

    I am a 31 year old woman. I have been emotionally abused and financially exploited by my family for years. My marriage has been unnessessarily delayed for years, but I finally managed to get married 6 months ago after my mother and sister had kicked me out of the house. Despite what happened I tried to include my mother in my wedding as much as possible. As a result I have been disowned by my family. This happened 6 months ago yet I am still in extreme pain about it since I never expected my mother to treat me this way. I am often angry and crying and its confusing for my husband. I am alhamdulilah very happy in my marriage. How do i stop being so affected by this and reach a calmer state of mind?

  • #2
    Wsalaam,

    I was in a similar position. However, I am male, so I guess that makes it easier, I don't have the capability to see the world from a female perspective, so I can only assume that it's difficult if not more difficult than I had it.

    Anyway, my family also emotionally abused me and financially exploited me (plus physical and psychological abuse). In the end, I had enough and I packed my bags and walked out, never to look back. About 5 years later, they wanted to make up with me. I made up with them, but even that turned out to be an attempt at financial exploitation. So I now keep them at a distance, but we talk and try to be as civil as possible. I have no trust for them, which I am sure no one will be surprised to hear.

    So I guess the moral of the story is, it will take time for you to recover. Been good to yourself. Know that you did nothing wrong, that your family are the ones who have a problem. Continue enjoying your life with your husband. Cry! Definitely let the emotions out. The more you cry the faster you will get over it insha'allah. If possible, cry in private when your husband is not around. If he has never experienced what you have experienced, he might not understand. You could try explaining it to him. If you can, get yourself a good counsellor, if he doesn't understand, a counsellor it will help. As talking about it helps at lot. Keep yourself busy, do stuff to keep your mind occupied, eat healthy, exercise, do fun stuff, and insha'allah, it will all be okay.
    Last edited by oshirowanen; 06-07-18, 03:06 PM.

    Comment


    • oshirowanen
      oshirowanen commented
      Editing a comment
      > Do you know why your family were like that with you?

      Probably because they were clueless about how to be good parents. Also, because they saw children as slave objects for their own benefit instead of seeing their kids as actual humans.

      > It's not always easy to walk away especially for females but alhumdulillah you managed to get out it.

      I'm not female, but I get the feeling (based on what I have read in this forum) that it would be harder for females to walk away the way I did.

    • IlFaraone
      IlFaraone commented
      Editing a comment
      Why would you greentext (meme arrows) on an Islamic forum?

    • oshirowanen
      oshirowanen commented
      Editing a comment
      I understand that a > is greentext (meme arrow) in your world. In my world it's a mathematical symbol called "strict inequality" which means "greater than". However, in this case, I used a ">" simply to highlight the text I was replying back to.

  • #3
    Sorry sister did u get permission from your wali ie your father or brother or grandfather Etc for the marriage

    Comment


    • shay5
      shay5 commented
      Editing a comment
      Same q popped up in my head too

    • Simply_Logical
      Simply_Logical commented
      Editing a comment
      good question

    • noobz
      noobz commented
      Editing a comment
      maybe shes hanafi






      trolololol

  • #4
    Walaykum salam,

    Pray to Allah (swt) and pour your heart out to Him. Also do dhikr as you may have heard the phrase "verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest"- in other words, this can help bring some calm and tranquillity inshaAllah. If you miss them then remember them in your prayers and it'll be like at least there's some sort of connection even if they're not around you.

    One thing I learned is that part of growing up and becoming an adult is to realise that your family members are the people they are- they aren't going to become the people you want them to be just cos' of your wishful thinking, so you have to work with what you've got and if the situation is unworkable then distance yourself from them. My guess is that if your assertion is correct about them being abusive and exploitative, then they have done you a favour by disowning you as their increased presence in your life would've only disrupted your marriage. It is a difficult adjustment because you're so used to living according to their terms and what they wanted that being away from them is a new normal that you're unaccustomed to and it must be freaking you out- even though the chances are this is better for you.

    Another thing I learned about growing up is that there comes a point when yes, you can say that your family and especially your parents had heavily influenced your life and contributed (whether in a positive or negative way) to the person you have now become, BUT as a grown up, you should no longer be limited or defined by that. Bear in mind in Islam whether we're raised by Muslim or non Muslim parents, once we grow up, we become accountable for our own actions so we can no longer blame our parents. That means if a guy had a violent dad, he can't use that as an excuse to become a violent dad himself because as a child he had little choice but as an adult he's in a position to make up his own mind as to whether he wants to follow in those footsteps or break the cycle. I'm not implying that you'll become an abuser btw that's not my point. My point is that although your family have influenced you and mistreated you; you're no longer living with them and you're in a position to no longer be defined by that. So if living with them caused you to be a certain way to try and appease them- you don't have to be that way anymore.
    The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

    Comment


    • #5
      Thank you for the replies. Yes I did have permission of my closest male relative, as my father died 10 years ago. My family had gotten me engaged to my now husband but kept postponing my marriage .
      Last edited by RosenJasmine; 06-07-18, 07:47 PM.

      Comment


      • #6
        Originally posted by oshirowanen View Post
        Wsalaam,

        I was in a similar position. However, I am male, so I guess that makes it easier, I don't have the capability to see the world from a female perspective, so I can only assume that it's difficult if not more difficult than I had it.

        Anyway, my family also emotionally abused me and financially exploited me (plus physical and psychological abuse). In the end, I had enough and I packed my bags and walked out, never to look back. About 5 years later, they wanted to make up with me. I made up with them, but even that turned out to be an attempt at financial exploitation. So I now keep them at a distance, but we talk and try to be as civil as possible. I have no trust for them, which I am sure no one will be surprised to hear.

        So I guess the moral of the story is, it will take time for you to recover. Been good to yourself. Know that you did nothing wrong, that your family are the ones who have a problem. Continue enjoying your life with your husband. Cry! Definitely let the emotions out. The more you cry the faster you will get over it insha'allah. If possible, cry in private when your husband is not around. If he has never experienced what you have experienced, he might not understand. You could try explaining it to him. If you can, get yourself a good counsellor, if he doesn't understand, a counsellor it will help. As talking about it helps at lot. Keep yourself busy, do stuff to keep your mind occupied, eat healthy, exercise, do fun stuff, and insha'allah, it will all be okay.
        Thank you for your reply and reassurance. My family also contacted me once, but it was only for financial reasons.

        Comment


        • #7
          Originally posted by neelu View Post
          Walaykum salam,

          Pray to Allah (swt) and pour your heart out to Him. Also do dhikr as you may have heard the phrase "verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest"- in other words, this can help bring some calm and tranquillity inshaAllah. If you miss them then remember them in your prayers and it'll be like at least there's some sort of connection even if they're not around you.

          One thing I learned is that part of growing up and becoming an adult is to realise that your family members are the people they are- they aren't going to become the people you want them to be just cos' of your wishful thinking, so you have to work with what you've got and if the situation is unworkable then distance yourself from them. My guess is that if your assertion is correct about them being abusive and exploitative, then they have done you a favour by disowning you as their increased presence in your life would've only disrupted your marriage. It is a difficult adjustment because you're so used to living according to their terms and what they wanted that being away from them is a new normal that you're unaccustomed to and it must be freaking you out- even though the chances are this is better for you.

          Another thing I learned about growing up is that there comes a point when yes, you can say that your family and especially your parents had heavily influenced your life and contributed (whether in a positive or negative way) to the person you have now become, BUT as a grown up, you should no longer be limited or defined by that. Bear in mind in Islam whether we're raised by Muslim or non Muslim parents, once we grow up, we become accountable for our own actions so we can no longer blame our parents. That means if a guy had a violent dad, he can't use that as an excuse to become a violent dad himself because as a child he had little choice but as an adult he's in a position to make up his own mind as to whether he wants to follow in those footsteps or break the cycle. I'm not implying that you'll become an abuser btw that's not my point. My point is that although your family have influenced you and mistreated you; you're no longer living with them and you're in a position to no longer be defined by that. So if living with them caused you to be a certain way to try and appease them- you don't have to be that way anymore.
          Thank you for your reply. Yes, I know I am definitely better off. Since staying with them would have resulted in a unislamic lifestyle eventually .My siblings are all unmarried and are leading unislamic lifestyles because my family is very difficult about marrying of their children. I definitely hope to become a better parent to my children inshAllah.

          Comment


          • #8
            Pray salah make dua to Allah read Quran
            and read it in English as well

            the answer is always in the quran

            give your mother some time shel come round insha Allah

            Comment


            • #9
              I really Don't Understand this that why families do this..

              Comment


              • abufulaans
                abufulaans commented
                Editing a comment
                Me neither

              • Linkdeutscher
                Linkdeutscher commented
                Editing a comment
                Cool feature son. I like this.

            • #10
              Originally posted by RosenJasmine View Post
              Salaam everyone,

              I am a 31 year old woman. I have been emotionally abused and financially exploited by my family for years. My marriage has been unnessessarily delayed for years, but I finally managed to get married 6 months ago after my mother and sister had kicked me out of the house. Despite what happened I tried to include my mother in my wedding as much as possible. As a result I have been disowned by my family. This happened 6 months ago yet I am still in extreme pain about it since I never expected my mother to treat me this way. I am often angry and crying and its confusing for my husband. I am alhamdulilah very happy in my marriage. How do i stop being so affected by this and reach a calmer state of mind?
              Keep your contact with them and wish them best on occassions like Eid etc but KEEP your distance with them as long as they are abusive. There is no need for you to feel so down as alhamdulillah your marriage is happy.

              Comment


              • #11
                Among my distant relatives, there's this one family who had a similar problem some decades ago. They were an old couple who had 5 children and the children were the same age as my parents. The five children grew up to be well educated and had their own careers so when they were in their 20s, their aunties and uncles would ask them when will they get married and would suggest potential rishtas for them but their mum would always dismiss the rishtas as being unsuitable or make some excuse. This went on for so many years that my parents became convinced that she had no intention of arranging their marriages- which we found strange considering their age and that generation (when it was more commonplace to marry young as well). My dad believes that their mum didn't want to arrange their marriages for financial reasons, cos' they were in good careers so they were probably bringing plenty of money in (it's not like she would've been poor without that income- this was a greed issue).

                Eventually all five of those siblings did get married (in the 1960s-70s) but they all got married quite late (including the daughters) whilst they were in their 30s at least and none of them had their marriages arranged by their parents. They all had to find people through other elder relatives except for one uncle who had a love marriage with his secretary.
                The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

                Comment


                • #12
                  Often i wish my family would disown me..

                  Allah forgive me..
                  يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

                  O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

                  Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

                  Comment


                  • #13
                    Originally posted by aynina View Post
                    Often i wish my family would disown me..

                    Allah forgive me..
                    Won't you end up on the streets?

                    Comment


                    • #14
                      Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post
                      Sorry sister did u get permission from your wali ie your father or brother or grandfather Etc for the marriage
                      wow
                      Ya Allah,
                      Make me a stronger person today. Make me a better person out of all these. It is no longer bearable for me for my heart is aching and You are the only One who knows how I feel. Nothing is making sense to myself and for anyone else for that matter especially to the one person I wish to understand me better than anybody else.
                      "Don't use the sharpness of your tongue on the mother who taught you how to speak

                      Comment


                      • shay5
                        shay5 commented
                        Editing a comment
                        Why wow? It was a valid question.

                      • patient believer
                        patient believer commented
                        Editing a comment
                        I was just testing how to comment under a response .It didnt work .

                    • #15
                      Originally posted by neelu View Post
                      Among my distant relatives, there's this one family who had a similar problem some decades ago. They were an old couple who had 5 children and the children were the same age as my parents. The five children grew up to be well educated and had their own careers so when they were in their 20s, their aunties and uncles would ask them when will they get married and would suggest potential rishtas for them but their mum would always dismiss the rishtas as being unsuitable or make some excuse. This went on for so many years that my parents became convinced that she had no intention of arranging their marriages- which we found strange considering their age and that generation (when it was more commonplace to marry young as well). My dad believes that their mum didn't want to arrange their marriages for financial reasons, cos' they were in good careers so they were probably bringing plenty of money in (it's not like she would've been poor without that income- this was a greed issue).

                      Eventually all five of those siblings did get married (in the 1960s-70s) but they all got married quite late (including the daughters) whilst they were in their 30s at least and none of them had their marriages arranged by their parents. They all had to find people through other elder relatives except for one uncle who had a love marriage with his secretary.
                      Yes my family is very similar. We are all doctors and marrying me or my siblings was never a priority. My mother wanted me to pursue a medical career in the USA like my sister and live with her and take care of her. However, she is in her forties, unmarried and is leading an unislamic lifestyle. My other sibling has turned to homosexuality and is living with his partner. Yet, that all is acceptable and I am the one who is disowned. Me and my sister have been in a tug-of war about getting married. While she never agrees on a proposal, i have been asking my family repeatedly to get me married to my fiance. Yet she wants my mothers undevided attention in finding her a spouse & not waste her time on me. She cannot have kids anymore and my family blame me for it for 'wasting her time' which is why they have cut all contact.

                      Comment

                      Working...
                      X