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  • Should I marry this person due to my extenuating personal circumstance or not

    Salaam UF,

    This year so far and last year has been a big struggle for me, with this struggle I am not able to find anyone outside of my family for marriage, parents have spoken to me about me potentially marrying this girl within our family, I know the grandad, and it's his grand daughter, however she is mid 20's, simple person, very down to earth and what not.

    Reason being is I have put my self in this position where I am not able to marry from outside as it's very personal.

    So my question is, I am 30 next week, parents told me I can't live alone and that I need someone, I am not happy with what I have done and that I have no choice in this matter.

    Does this sound like forced marriage as I am not able to find anyone as she is the most suitable person for me, I don't know what to think, just never thought in a million years I would be in this situation where by I don't really have much of a say in this case.

    Feels like I have no choice, parents saying I need a wife so I am not alone all the time and all the stuff that comes with marriage.

    In some ways they are right I can't be alone, need someone, family are asking when I am getting married, but problem is, I am only on a decent salary, so don't know if I can support her financially even though I am living with parents, I see my brother and his wife, and they are nearly always out and about, I can't afford to spending that much on going on etc.

    This is a worry and it's something I have to deal/work with. I can't even remember what the girl looks like, but again guess I have no choice in how she looks if im attracted to her or not.

    I think parents already spoken to the girls parents/granddad and they seem fine with it but not official etc.

    I live outside London, but work in London, my working hours are crazy and don't have time to even rest before getting ready for sleep etc, my weekend is just busy with helping around the house, doing house chores, as my other siblings always out and about, looks like I don't have time for my self, always trying to make my parents happy, I try not to go out as they are in old age ish and need help.

    I am stressed with what's happened in the last year and now with this marriage talk.

    Just don't know what to do any more.

  • #2
    I think you should sort your life out before getting married. Marriage is not easy, and it adds more complications to your life. If you currently cannot handle your life and are stressed, marriage will not fix that.

    But this is just advice from a random stranger on the internet.

    Comment


    • #3
      They can't force you .
      Ya Allah,
      Make me a stronger person today. Make me a better person out of all these. It is no longer bearable for me for my heart is aching and You are the only One who knows how I feel. Nothing is making sense to myself and for anyone else for that matter especially to the one person I wish to understand me better than anybody else.
      "Don't use the sharpness of your tongue on the mother who taught you how to speak

      Comment


      • #4
        GEt to know the girl more, find out where she stands. Maybe she doesn't mind a husband with a busy work life and low income. She might be independent, have her own social life /hobbies so she won't be sitting twiddling her thumbs when you walk in late after work.
        Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by oshirowanen View Post
          I think you should sort your life out before getting married. Marriage is not easy, and it adds more complications to your life. If you currently cannot handle your life and are stressed, marriage will not fix that.

          But this is just advice from a random stranger on the internet.
          I understand that. I'm hitting 30 years next week and parents telling me I need to settle down. Can't be living a single life.

          ​​​​​​There is never a good time to get married. Don't feel right getting married. Just don't see it happening. I'm a quite person, don't like talking or idle chat.

          My whole life has been stressful full of anxiety and problems.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by shay5 View Post
            GEt to know the girl more, find out where she stands. Maybe she doesn't mind a husband with a busy work life and low income. She might be independent, have her own social life /hobbies so she won't be sitting twiddling her thumbs when you walk in late after work.
            I barely know the girl or her family and such. Why should I get to know her if my parents are happy with her and family and fine then fine let it happen.

            I'm home always late, work on weekends and sometimes work in evenings.

            Doesnt bother me what she does or doesn't do. I don't like confrontation and people say that girls can be strong minded.

            Maybe I'm not fit for marriage no matter how old I am.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Muslim-Guy View Post

              I barely know the girl or her family and such. Why should I get to know her if my parents are happy with her and family and fine then fine let it happen.

              I'm home always late, work on weekends and sometimes work in evenings.

              Doesnt bother me what she does or doesn't do. I don't like confrontation and people say that girls can be strong minded.

              Maybe I'm not fit for marriage no matter how old I am.
              Most people spend a few months/years at a place and then move on. Perhaps your next employment will not be as demanding.

              It does not matter have strong minded a girl will be, if you show a weakness most people will pounce on this. Add some umpf to your being.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Muslim-Guy View Post
                Salaam UF,

                This year so far and last year has been a big struggle for me, with this struggle I am not able to find anyone outside of my family for marriage, parents have spoken to me about me potentially marrying this girl within our family, I know the grandad, and it's his grand daughter, however she is mid 20's, simple person, very down to earth and what not.

                Reason being is I have put my self in this position where I am not able to marry from outside as it's very personal.

                So my question is, I am 30 next week, parents told me I can't live alone and that I need someone, I am not happy with what I have done and that I have no choice in this matter.

                Does this sound like forced marriage as I am not able to find anyone as she is the most suitable person for me, I don't know what to think, just never thought in a million years I would be in this situation where by I don't really have much of a say in this case.

                Feels like I have no choice, parents saying I need a wife so I am not alone all the time and all the stuff that comes with marriage.

                In some ways they are right I can't be alone, need someone, family are asking when I am getting married, but problem is, I am only on a decent salary, so don't know if I can support her financially even though I am living with parents, I see my brother and his wife, and they are nearly always out and about, I can't afford to spending that much on going on etc.

                This is a worry and it's something I have to deal/work with. I can't even remember what the girl looks like, but again guess I have no choice in how she looks if im attracted to her or not.

                I think parents already spoken to the girls parents/granddad and they seem fine with it but not official etc.

                I live outside London, but work in London, my working hours are crazy and don't have time to even rest before getting ready for sleep etc, my weekend is just busy with helping around the house, doing house chores, as my other siblings always out and about, looks like I don't have time for my self, always trying to make my parents happy, I try not to go out as they are in old age ish and need help.

                I am stressed with what's happened in the last year and now with this marriage talk.

                Just don't know what to do any more.
                السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

                Right your going to get the cold hard truth, so man up and take it...

                No it isnt forced marriage, your parents just had enough of you not manning up, they are in their right to try an arrange your marriage.

                Parents saying you need a wife? What you think you know better than the Sunnah of the messenger
                صلى الله عليه وعلى آله وسلم ?

                If not then you know you need a wife.

                Whats this outside, inside family nonsense?

                If the sister is pious, practicing and of good character, hadith says we should not reject the proposal as doing so will create fitna or fassad.

                A 30 year old behaving like you, playing the victim is really shameful.

                I dont think you know the meaning of stress, pretty sure your parents are more worried/stressed than you,

                Bring up some kids as a parent, then you can come back and tell us your stressed.

                جزاك الله خيرا
                Last edited by Saif-Uddin; 22-06-18, 03:15 PM.
                http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

                "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

                – Imam al-Shafi’i (Rahimahullah)

                Comment


                • #9
                  You have to like the girl to marry her, regardless of what your parents say because remember these types of marriages suffer and it's unfair on the girl.
                  It could end up in a divorce because the attitude towards marriage was clumsy in the first place.

                  The girl might think you like her only to be shown that you just married her because your parents pressurised you

                  I understand the pressure, trust me lol

                  You have to keep fighting because it is better to live with this pressure then to end up with a girl you didn't even want in the first place and deal with an extra disappointed human being.

                  i am only saying this because it is the honest truth
                  A girl is another human being and you will have to deal with those challenges

                  I would expect husband to take me out now and then (lool OBVIOUSLY if he is always out with his friends, will it KILL him to take me out once in a while, sheesh)

                  I am a 'simple' girl but certain things you expect from your husband

                  I am low maintenance so if a zombie and plain Jane has these expectations now and then (tbh I think they are natural no?) I am sure other girls would like that type of attention from their husband too.

                  he is supposed to be a friend, marriage is supposed to be about companionship not just about going out and flashing money or serving in laws

                  It's not like you are both robots uniting lmso

                  ​​​​​

                  It's not straight forward so don't jump into it because of the pressure

                  Think about the poor girl who doesn't even know how you feel about this. If she is the same as you, ka ching, you might have hit the jackpot BUT is she willing to be the typical daughter in law.

                  Hmm.

                  All the best


                  ​​​

                  ​​​​



                  'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                  So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Muslim-Guy View Post

                    I barely know the girl or her family and such. Why should I get to know her if my parents are happy with her and family and fine then fine let it happen.

                    I'm home always late, work on weekends and sometimes work in evenings.

                    Doesnt bother me what she does or doesn't do. I don't like confrontation and people say that girls can be strong minded.

                    Maybe I'm not fit for marriage no matter how old I am.
                    Your parents are not marrying this girl. You are. You're the one who will have to come home to her every night brother. Islam teaches us to be good to our parents, but not in this manner. You seem to have a good heart mashAllah since you're putting them ahead of yourself ( which should be the case with our parents). But for your own sanity, if you're not ready or not satisfied, then don't do that to yourself.
                    الحق لا يعرف بالرجال، اعرف الحق تعرف رجاله

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Muslim-Guy View Post
                      Salaam UF,

                      This year so far and last year has been a big struggle for me, with this struggle I am not able to find anyone outside of my family for marriage, parents have spoken to me about me potentially marrying this girl within our family, I know the grandad, and it's his grand daughter, however she is mid 20's, simple person, very down to earth and what not.

                      Reason being is I have put my self in this position where I am not able to marry from outside as it's very personal.

                      So my question is, I am 30 next week, parents told me I can't live alone and that I need someone, I am not happy with what I have done and that I have no choice in this matter.

                      Does this sound like forced marriage as I am not able to find anyone as she is the most suitable person for me, I don't know what to think, just never thought in a million years I would be in this situation where by I don't really have much of a say in this case.

                      Feels like I have no choice, parents saying I need a wife so I am not alone all the time and all the stuff that comes with marriage.

                      In some ways they are right I can't be alone, need someone, family are asking when I am getting married, but problem is, I am only on a decent salary, so don't know if I can support her financially even though I am living with parents, I see my brother and his wife, and they are nearly always out and about, I can't afford to spending that much on going on etc.

                      This is a worry and it's something I have to deal/work with. I can't even remember what the girl looks like, but again guess I have no choice in how she looks if im attracted to her or not.

                      I think parents already spoken to the girls parents/granddad and they seem fine with it but not official etc.

                      I live outside London, but work in London, my working hours are crazy and don't have time to even rest before getting ready for sleep etc, my weekend is just busy with helping around the house, doing house chores, as my other siblings always out and about, looks like I don't have time for my self, always trying to make my parents happy, I try not to go out as they are in old age ish and need help.

                      I am stressed with what's happened in the last year and now with this marriage talk.

                      Just don't know what to do any more.
                      Man up dude....make your own decisions with your parents blessings.
                      Take your time and decide what's best for YOU.
                      Dont be influenced or rush into decisions.
                      Khalas

                      Youtube channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYk...dE4pHzSid7Lr0w

                      **** Smiling won't cost you now is it ****

                      Zawjati ,“Uhibbuki mithla mâ antê” “Uhibbuki kaifamâ kunteee”“Wa mahmâ kâna mahma sâra”

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        thats crazy that they are doing this

                        they cannot force you. remind them of that

                        be a man and tell them to stop making arrangements when you haven't actually consented to this

                        and fix your life first. you clearly don't sound as if you are ready for marriage yet

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Marriage is good, and specially in your situation it will help you a lot, if your potential is a good muslim.

                          There's nothing wrong with not marrying outside the family... As-long as you like the person, and she likes you for who you are, AND BOTH OF YOU ARE DEVOTED TO ISLAM, then go ahead..


                          Rather it is a blessing that you do not have to go outside in the streets of London and look. Allah has facilitated it for you through your parents and there is nothing wrong with that as long as you like each other...

                          But nobody can force you into marriage, as this contradicts islamic teachings.

                          it is the western kafir perspective that arranged marriage is a taboo and that you have waste 5 years of your life dating 15 different people before deciding who you want to marry. Dating does nothing, but give you a stronger false impression of who the person is. You need to live with someone to really know who they are. The best way is the way of the prophet pbuh, and that is it make marriage simple and based on the grounds of taqwa and Islamic principles.

                          "Marry the single people from among you and the righteous slaves and slave-girls. If you are poor, Allah (SwT) will make you rich through His favour; and Allah (SwT) is Bountiful, All-Knowing." (Surah 24, Verse 32)

                          The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said, “whoever among you can afford it, let him get married”.

                          There are many hadiths and Quran verses which show you the importance of marriage.

                          Even if you are not rich, just make sure you inform your potential of all your circumstances.

                          Marriage is good. It is a means of comfort for oneself. Do it if you like the girl, but make sure you both come to a mutual understanding by being transparent to each other, and understand that marriage is not going to work unless it is built on islamic foundations...

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            What about this young woman? Does she not have a say...?
                            She will be marrying someone with your current state of mind, general apathy and your reason for marrying... At least try to find out a few things about her, what she looks like, etc.

                            From your posts here brother, and your previous one on the forum, you come across almost as though you're depressed. Have you tried to get help for those things you've mentioned?

                            If you plan to go ahead with it, don't do it if you see yourself ready to mentally collapse if things are difficult and to blame your parents for pressuring you into it, it will be your decision ultimately, and you will have to bear the consequences of consenting to it.

                            Your posts remind me of someone who had a very similar way of thinking to yourself, who'd say the same sort of things as you're saying here about yourself, even the same words you're using... (They remind me so much I'm actually hearing his voice in my mind reading some of your posts)

                            He's married now with three kids and quite settled.
                            Things weren't smooth at all in the early months, first couple of years even, in fact it was really quite bad for him and his wife both but things settled down after some time and they now live quite comfortably and quite contentedly, alhamdulillah.

                            Try to address those issues of yours, try to find out bit more about this woman... If you're going to do this you ought to do it with an attitude slightly more positive than it seems you have right now. Those worries you have about being quiet, about needing to take her out too often, about your finances... She may be understanding of these things, especially if she had some idea beforehand.

                            Whatever you do brother, don't forget to make istikhara and a lot of du'aa before deciding and also while going through this all if it goes ahead.




                            ​​​​
                            LAA ILAAHA ILLALLAH
                            -------------------------------
                            "And if you would count the graces of God, never could you be able to count them. Truly, God is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (Qur'aan 16:18)
                            NOTE: Please kindly do NOT rep my posts. (Jazaa'akumullah).

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
                              You have to like the girl to marry her, regardless of what your parents say because remember these types of marriages suffer and it's unfair on the girl.
                              It could end up in a divorce because the attitude towards marriage was clumsy in the first place.

                              The girl might think you like her only to be shown that you just married her because your parents pressurised you

                              I understand the pressure, trust me lol

                              You have to keep fighting because it is better to live with this pressure then to end up with a girl you didn't even want in the first place and deal with an extra disappointed human being.

                              i am only saying this because it is the honest truth
                              A girl is another human being and you will have to deal with those challenges

                              I would expect husband to take me out now and then (lool OBVIOUSLY if he is always out with his friends, will it KILL him to take me out once in a while, sheesh)

                              I am a 'simple' girl but certain things you expect from your husband

                              I am low maintenance so if a zombie and plain Jane has these expectations now and then (tbh I think they are natural no?) I am sure other girls would like that type of attention from their husband too.

                              he is supposed to be a friend, marriage is supposed to be about companionship not just about going out and flashing money or serving in laws

                              It's not like you are both robots uniting lmso

                              ​​​​​

                              It's not straight forward so don't jump into it because of the pressure

                              Think about the poor girl who doesn't even know how you feel about this. If she is the same as you, ka ching, you might have hit the jackpot BUT is she willing to be the typical daughter in law.

                              Hmm.

                              All the best


                              ​​​

                              ​​​​


                              What's a typical daughter in law?

                              Comment

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