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Potential Wife's past Bothers me

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  • Potential Wife's past Bothers me

    So here is how it started,

    I met a muslim girl at my university who is very kind and a very good person in general who is divorced, let me elaborate further she got married to faraway family relative/man who she thought was a good person at the age of 24, she remained chaste (virgin) all this while as she always believed in saving herself for one man while all her other friends were partying, drinking, clubbing and doing zina (typical western lifestyle), she saved herself, now after she got married to this man, her life changed she was physically, mentally, emotionally abused and verbally abused everyday for a year, he used to scream close to her ear everyday, call her whore and slap her and beat her for no reasons, turns out he was diagnosed with some sort of mental disorder later on. she tried her best to save the marriage but she couldn't do it and it lasted a year, all this while he would make her clean the house like a servant and make her wash his clothes clean the kitchen , didn't let her meet her parents and family and never gave her money so she had to rely on jobs to have some money for herself. she was highly educated young girl who lost all hopes and dreams and at the end became very suicidal (begged and prayed to Allah daily to get her out of this mess) and she didn't tell this to her parents not to hurt them. but at the end she ran away to her parents home and told them everything and got divorced.

    Her abusive ex was very manipulative and made her believe she was the problem and all the fights were happening because of her. so obviously she blamed herself for the fall of the marriage.

    During the marriage ( 1 year) they never had actual intercourse but did everything short of intercourse (which includes oral)

    After her divorce she went to severe depression and developed ptsd and wouldn't eat for days and here is where things got messy, 6 months post divorce she started seeing old friends who took her to clubbing and partying lifestyle where she started drinking heavily out of depression and she thought to herself she restricted everything for one man and this is what she got at the end so became carefree.

    During one of her clubbing days, she met this Muslim guy who seemed friendly to her, they exchanged social media contacts and started texting each other, she would meet him often in clubs and he would be interested in her past ( obviously she was depressed and needed someone to talk to). but this guy was only interested in her body and he started sweet talks over texts by talking about her past divorce to emotionally comfort her and one day he was successful in calling her to meet outside and after talking to her for hours, he made his move by going all physical by kissing and all including (oral sex) but short of actual intercourse which of course she gave in but when he tried to have intercourse (sex) she started crying and stopped him and he stopped.

    This is what bothers me and she told me all this honestly and says she regrets it big time, when i question her over this how could she be so naive and all , she says the emotional and physical abuse of her ex robbed her of her self worth, self esteem and everything and this is the reason it happened including severe depression i am not sure if this is a valid enough reason.

    now since then she has parted her ways from this lifestyle and is out of the depression and is now focusing on PHD at my university and also says she is out of depression.

    I am really interested in marrying her as she is a good person and have talked to her parents too and they are fine with it, but the scene with the club guy really bothers me and i cant get it out of my head. she knows this too that it bothers me and says to forget the past as it happened during the lowest times in her life and cries too when i question her about this often. she also says she never had intercourse till now and believes she is a virgin.

    Please advise.
    Last edited by ali7891; 20-06-18, 09:18 AM.

  • #2
    If you can't let go of her clubbing encounter, DO NOT get married to her. You will just end up bringing this encounter up in the future, which will cause issues in the relationship. However, if you are capable of completely letting go of the clubbing encounter, and accept it, and be at ease with it, then it should be all good.

    Main point is, DO NOT get involved because if you can't be at ease with the clubbing past encounter, it will cause you big issues in the future, which will just mess things up for you and her, and is just not worth it.

    Therefore, it all depends on your ability to let go, are you able to genuinely let go and be at piece with the clubbing encounter?

    Comment


    • #3
      After 1 divorce she decides let me go loose
      and within 1 meeting shes doing zina shes worse then kuffar girls

      whats she gonna do when she has another problem go loose again

      Doesnt matter how stressed u are u dont need to go loose

      and if shes hanging with bad girls that commit zina and drink and club why would u marry a girl lile that sounds like shed not a practising muslima

      but a big but if u think shes sincerely changed and repented and wants to become a real muslim and you dont have issues with it then marry her
      Last edited by Abu julaybeeb; 20-06-18, 09:23 AM.

      Comment


      • #4
        Its funny how these stupid girls will do everything but intercourse
        seems more degrading to do what op mentioned then actual zina

        and most of the time its not even due to fear of Allah but due to their husband finding out smh

        ​​
        Last edited by Abu julaybeeb; 20-06-18, 09:25 AM.

        Comment


        • #5
          if it's bothering you, you shouldn't marry.
          "Europe died in Bosnia and was buried in Syria. Bodies of innocent children washing ashore are the
          western civilization's tombstones"


          Rajab Tayyab Erdogan

          Comment


          • #6
            Be warned and be prepared for other things to come out of this persons past if you marry her. Think logically. Those times of partying? What other tales may reveal themselves. They may not and she may have been entirely truthful but don't rule out the concealed. It's very rare for someone to keep no secrets.

            Its the biggest worry i have too in finding a spouse. But people can change with the right motivation. If this is the West then it's extremely easy to follow the path of shaytaan.

            ​​

            Comment


            • #7
              From personal experiences, don't marry her.

              Lol

              Seriously, if it bothers you now, it will bother you after marriage.

              Do isthikaara if it's really making you indecisive.

              I don't know if it's because we are insecure or it's just something that we can't fathom.

              Remember, Satan is immediately on it as soon as the nikah is done, it will create discord and her past will get to you.

              You will start asking more questions about who the guy was, where it was, what else happened. It will make you go insane.

              You will not trust her at all. Especially after she suffered from mental health issues, this will be devastating for her. She needs someone who can relate with her.

              She was being so honest (she gave you all the details which was not needed but next time, I'm assuming you were both alone? It is better to be with a potential's mahram).

              Try not to get attached to people before marriage, your decision would be so hard to make if you didn't get friendly with her (forgive me if I'm making assumptions).




              'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

              So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post
                Its funny how these stupid girls will do everything but intercourse
                seems more degrading to do what op mentioned then actual zina

                and most of the time its not even due to fear of Allah but due to their husband finding out smh

                ​​
                Yeh

                This is what I have noticed on the forum that it is usually other despicable acts but they don't go ahead with the other

                Maybe it's the fear of pregnancy or the hymen myth

                It's very disturbing

                Also, regarding oral- there are a good amount of Islamic information on these things and unfortunately Muslims for some reason have these animalistic desires

                I say for some reason but I suppose we all know it's the influence from the non muslim world.

                There are despicable requests and questions people ask sheikh's about the permissibility of it.

                These gross acts did not exist back in the time of the prophet saw, fantasis are getting to people that have forgotten the correct etiquettes for these things.

                People should read about it because hayaa (in some aspects) is important for marriage too.

                Just because you get married doesn't mean you can become a disgusting wild beast/ animal. Again, it's all the influence of social media, movies and magazine articles about these things.

                ​​​​​​
                'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                Comment


                • #9
                  What the op mentioned is how an author described the behaviour of dogs with one another.
                  this is what I read from a book on the kalamullah website, can't remember the author

                  Also, there is an excellent lecture on YouTube

                  I will try to link it if I find it

                  Just something that we should bear in mind
                  'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                  So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post



                    ​​​​​​

                    actually if im being honest i dont think its the influence of west

                    First of all if lut alayhi salaam had to deal with his people in that time then in the prophets time it could have been likely

                    also i know abu hanifa and
                    ibn qayyim have spoken about it so its not unheard of

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I would agree with the others and suggest that you look elsewhere. You are stuck between your 'standards' and your 'desires'.

                      The reality is, if her past bothered you so much that it made you create an account on this Forum, then you obviously cannot handle it.

                      What you should do is make a decision and be firm in that. If you can look past her previous experiences, then do so wholeheartedly and don't look back. If you can not for whatever reason do this, then politely excuse yourself by completely disassociating yourself from her.
                      Last edited by AmantuBillahi; 20-06-18, 01:23 PM.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post


                        actually if im being honest i dont think its the influence of west

                        First of all if lut alayhi salaam had to deal with his people in that time then in the prophets time it could have been likely

                        also i know abu hanifa and
                        ibn qayyim have spoken about it so its not unheard of
                        Good point

                        Forgot about that, I also meant other creations best not to mention here, no doubt it is destructive to society but it is being sold as the norm and natural

                        ​​​​​​
                        'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                        So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Believe me, she isn't telling you everything. Cut her loose now.

                          ​Plenty of good girls without all that baggage.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by ali7891 View Post

                            I am really interested in marrying her as she is a good person and have talked to her parents too and they are fine with it, but the scene with the club guy really bothers me and i cant get it out of my head. she knows this too that it bothers me and says to forget the past as it happened during the lowest times in her life and cries too when i question her about this often. she also says she never had intercourse till now and believes she is a virgin.

                            Please advise.

                            Her story sounds identical to someone I know. chaste girl, Married young, abused by husband, divorced, clubbing and fornicated with one man, then got remarried to another guy and is in a happy marriage.

                            It's sad that she didn't have good muslims to show her the right way to deal with the end of her marriage or get the help she needed for the abuse she endured.

                            Not saying women like this can't change, but if it bothers you now, itll bother you after marriage and she doesn't need another hateful husband. Do istikhara or just leave...

                            I don't know why these former fornicators love to reveal their past.Repent and move on, take those secrets to the grave unless you have an STD.
                            Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              dont bother if you cant get over it just remember we all make mistakes and maybe she regrets it

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