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Are girls allowed to feel / think like this?

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  • Are girls allowed to feel / think like this?

    Its hard to bring up this topic without it coming across as something else but here goes... maybe someone can help/ advise...

    ive been married nearly 2 years it was arranged marriage but we had oppurtunity to speak for a few months before we actually got married. I genuinly had an attraction to begin with but over time this has most definitely dwindled ( i believe alot of factors have contributed to this i.e the meddling of in laws - a whole other story )
    but we have recently been trying for a baby and had no luck. But my major concern is that there is just no spark in our intimate life. He claims he feels the ‘spark’ when we kiss i certainly don't. More recently it has been me having to initiate being intimate which i find strange - shouldnt the man take more of a lead in this?!

    Its got me thinking can a marriage actually survie without being intimate? This has all started to make me feel like theres no way a baby will ever happen for us when im feeling like this. Is there really ever a spark is it all in my head? Is being intimate meant to be boring and a chore - have i got this wrong maybe it is me bein to filmy and thinking its suppose to be a enjoyable experience for both people involved. I dont know :( just feel very unhappy. Everyone is now asking why is there no baby especially his mum i get so furstrared and have to bite my tongue because what i really want to say is ask your son he is the one who is too tired to be intimate he is the one putting the half hearted effort to create the closeness between us. Arrrghhh!! Any advice?

  • #2
    P.s I am posting this after another failed attempt. Thats me trying to initiate being intimate and hes happy to go sleep just like that...

    Comment


    • #3
      Assalamu alaykum

      The response in this Fatwa is quite informative and beneficial:

      "Her husband treats her kindly but he does not give her her shar'i right to intimacy; what should she do?"

      https://islamqa.info/en/174648

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Confused_muslimah View Post
        Arrrghhh!! Any advice?
        Seems like the stress of trying for a baby and inlaws have but a strain on your marriage. Maybe you need to rebuild an emotional connection with your husband. Do more things/activities together.

        Also you need to talk to your husband, pouring your heart out on a forum won't resolve the issues at home.
        Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Confused_muslimah View Post
          shouldnt the man take more of a lead in this?!
          Yes and no, but I'd say mostly yes.

          Originally posted by Confused_muslimah View Post
          Its got me thinking can a marriage actually survie without being intimate?
          No, it can't.

          Originally posted by Confused_muslimah View Post
          Is there really ever a spark is it all in my head?
          It's not all in your head, the spark should be there. Otherwise you end up living your entire married life in a very sad/miserable state.

          Originally posted by Confused_muslimah View Post
          Any advice?
          Figure out what you like about him, concentrate on only those things, see him in a positive light. Is he stressed about something? Is his mind preoccupied? If yes, see if that thing can be fixed first.

          Comment


          • #6
            Intercourse might have become a chore due to the stress of trying to conceive. I think you need to talk to your husband, you wont figure out what's wrong with him until you ask.
            Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Confused_muslimah View Post
              Its hard to bring up this topic without it coming across as something else but here goes... maybe someone can help/ advise...

              ive been married nearly 2 years it was arranged marriage but we had oppurtunity to speak for a few months before we actually got married. I genuinly had an attraction to begin with but over time this has most definitely dwindled ( i believe alot of factors have contributed to this i.e the meddling of in laws - a whole other story )
              but we have recently been trying for a baby and had no luck. But my major concern is that there is just no spark in our intimate life. He claims he feels the ‘spark’ when we kiss i certainly don't. More recently it has been me having to initiate being intimate which i find strange - shouldnt the man take more of a lead in this?!

              Its got me thinking can a marriage actually survie without being intimate? This has all started to make me feel like theres no way a baby will ever happen for us when im feeling like this. Is there really ever a spark is it all in my head? Is being intimate meant to be boring and a chore - have i got this wrong maybe it is me bein to filmy and thinking its suppose to be a enjoyable experience for both people involved. I dont know :( just feel very unhappy. Everyone is now asking why is there no baby especially his mum i get so furstrared and have to bite my tongue because what i really want to say is ask your son he is the one who is too tired to be intimate he is the one putting the half hearted effort to create the closeness between us. Arrrghhh!! Any advice?
              You need to uncover the attraction that you had for him at the beginning and not allow factors that are out of his control to be held against him. The effort needs to be supplied by both parties and it does not necessarily need to be equal effort all the time.

              He could be being polite to you by saying if feels a spark, so ask yourself if you are really doing as much as you can. Simply being the initiator does not mean much if their are other issues at play. For instance you could smell unpleasant so offering to get close to him won't help matters. Not saying you smell btw, just giving a solid example.

              Comment


              • #8
                salaams to all

                if u have gained weight or have always been overweight, then that could be a reason for his not being too interested in being intimate
                but of course, the question will arise that why did he marry u in the first place if he really does not find u attractive....

                insha allah things will improve between you two.

                and Allah ta'ala knows best
                jazakallah
                Sufyaan Thawri "Whoever is very popular with his relations and neighbours, we suspect him to be compromising in preaching the true teachings of religion."
                very good site for English bayaans in MP3 format-check it out- u wont be disappointed: http://www.musjidnoor.za.net/index.html & http://alhaadi.org.za/majlis-program...downloads.html

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Confused_muslimah View Post
                  Its hard to bring up this topic without it coming across as something else but here goes... maybe someone can help/ advise...

                  ive been married nearly 2 years it was arranged marriage but we had oppurtunity to speak for a few months before we actually got married. I genuinly had an attraction to begin with but over time this has most definitely dwindled ( i believe alot of factors have contributed to this i.e the meddling of in laws - a whole other story )
                  but we have recently been trying for a baby and had no luck. But my major concern is that there is just no spark in our intimate life. He claims he feels the ‘spark’ when we kiss i certainly don't. More recently it has been me having to initiate being intimate which i find strange - shouldnt the man take more of a lead in this?!

                  Its got me thinking can a marriage actually survie without being intimate? This has all started to make me feel like theres no way a baby will ever happen for us when im feeling like this. Is there really ever a spark is it all in my head? Is being intimate meant to be boring and a chore - have i got this wrong maybe it is me bein to filmy and thinking its suppose to be a enjoyable experience for both people involved. I dont know :( just feel very unhappy. Everyone is now asking why is there no baby especially his mum i get so furstrared and have to bite my tongue because what i really want to say is ask your son he is the one who is too tired to be intimate he is the one putting the half hearted effort to create the closeness between us. Arrrghhh!! Any advice?
                  If he is otherwise a nice guy then try to solve this through communication, therapy etc. Divorce becomes a right in case he is neglecting the rights but dont use it as the first option

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I think the way you feel is normal and natural for a woman in your situation, so don't guilt trip yourself about it and don't ask if you're "allowed" to have your own feelings. They're a part of you- it's like asking if you're allowed to have your own nose. It's okay for a woman to initiate intimacy with her own husband, there's nothing wrong with you doing that, but I find it unusual and a little odd that he doesn't seem to initiate it at all as you've known each other a long time. Does he even understand that such intimacy is one of the rights and responsibilities within a marriage? You'd be surprised how many young couples get married and have nothing explained to them about marital relations, so they're clueless and need very basic things explained to them.

                    I don't know your husband, so it's hard to figure out what seems to be the problem here that has led to this lack of intimacy. I don't know if you feel there's a lack of spark because he doesn't initiate intimacy much or if you feel that way because of meddling in laws and other problems or a combination of factors. I don't know if he isn't initiating intimacy because he's very shy or stressed due to reasons that have nothing to do with you (eg job tension, family pressures etc), or because he feels inadequate due to anxiety/impotence/his own body image issues, or whether he's behaving this way because he felt forced into the arranged marriage so is reluctant to form a closer bond with you, or because he has feelings for someone else or even he is not attracted to women. Another possibility is that if he was abused by someone when he was young, then that kind of trauma could make him reluctant to want any intimacy as he'd associate that with horrible memories but at the same time it's common for people in that situation to hide their feelings because they feel embarrassed or ashamed so wouldn't want to confide in anyone about it. The fact that you're saying this is the reason you haven't had a baby in all this time suggests that this is serious. Sorry to be direct but have you even consummated the marriage at all?

                    Whilst it's okay for you to initiate intimacy with your husband, I personally think it's not a good sign that your husband doesn't initiate it with you at all, especially as you've been married for so long. If you were newlyweds and he was shy, or if you'd only known each other a few weeks, then it would be understandable for a man to be a bit shy or to take things slow or that sort of thing. The annoying thing is also that it's commonplace for men to not be the best communicators especially when it comes to something that personal so his wife spends her time scratching her head wondering what's going on and he could be oblivious and not even know that this is bothering you.
                    The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Start fasting both of u

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by ahmedyounes View Post
                        Start fasting both of u
                        Why would you tell a married couple to fast to reduce desires that doesnt make sense

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Provoke him... the proces should make you get in the mood and he will probably initiate (even though you kinda did) make it more enjoyable, talk about how you feel, how you want to feel, work towards something you both enjoy, dont sound like a mum when talking... remember men are slow in the feelings department... ask him to fix something and he will do it right away but ask about feelings and his brain will get confused, so tell him how you feel and tell him to think about it and you want to have a conversation about it later, then, a day later you can bring the topic up, and he will have thought about it and know what to say... (remember soften your voice, dont scream or judge or insult him, be sweet)

                          work it out sis, dont do what most people do and keep quiet, it will make you and your life miserable, you need to be open with your husband, he is who you share your future with. The most important person to you after Allah is him, so you need to try and work things out
                          يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

                          O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

                          Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post

                            Why would you tell a married couple to fast to reduce desires that doesnt make sense
                            Well first it brings them closer to Allah, which is the solution to everything. second I just took an educated guess based on her post, and her personality, it seems like she could use some extra worship in her life

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by ahmedyounes View Post

                              Well first it brings them closer to Allah, which is the solution to everything. second I just took an educated guess based on her post, and her personality, it seems like she could use some extra worship in her life
                              You are suggesting that the sister and her husband fast? So how will her situation resolve... ? How will she get her physical rights? Become a mother?

                              Comment

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