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  • Please help and advice with situation brothers and sisters

    Asalamualaikam all, I hope you are well.

    I am a 20 year old male and I have met someone who I beleive is suitable for marriage. She is a very close family friend but is from another country. We met after 10 years last year.

    The situation is that we both are aware of our feelings for each other but have never really clearly stated them to each other out of respect and humility. We have spoken once or twice online but have not been in contact because of the fear of committing zina.

    We are both still young and studying, and we know we are not ready for marriage yet, so we are keeping at a distance until we are ready. But because we are not in contact, we are not aware of what us going on in each others lives, and im really not sure what is going to happen as I do not want to ask her to wait for me nor do I want to promise her that I will send a proposal in the coming years as I have not spoken to my parents about this.

    What i feel is that Allah has sent us for each other and we really do belong together but the timing of our meeting is not right.

    I do not want to lose her through some misunderstanding but I do not want to keep in contact with her before marriage due to keeping Allah SWT happy.

    Please advice on what you think I should do..

    Jazakallah Khair.

  • #2
    Assalamualikum

    You have to tell your parents that you are interested in the girl so they can get in touch with her family and arrange something.

    Otherwise you might wonder about the what ifs.

    Best to try now.

    You can still study and work while being married

    Financially it'll be challenging but your dingity is at stake, you are young and you should get married, it's permissible for you.

    Your parents preventing you from getting married is not a good thing. Just explain to them you really like her and want to have a nikah now. You can't wait, tell them you have feelings for her.

    Don't hide your feelings, parents need to be told otherwise they don't get it.

    Don't talk to the girl anymore. Stop doing that unless you are a complete numpty that's asking for trouble.

    If her family don't agree then that is that. Lol sorry, you'll be upset for a while but hopefully you'll get over it.

    Your lesson from this will be not to get attached to a girl or to talk to a girl alone because zina is right in front of you. You will ruin your life the moment you go to zina because there is no rewimd button.

    If they agree then happy days BUT that doesn't mean you behave like GF and bf.

    If you need to talk to her, do it only when her dad or brothers are there.

    The last thing any person wants is a potential that is wondering about their ex lover.
    You either try NOW or forget her altogether.
    She doesn't belong to you so tough. If you want her, go out of your way and take the halal route.
    if not then leave another man's daughter alone or you will be responsible for ruining her dignity (obviously she is responsible too).

    All the best!!



    ​​​​






    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

    Comment


    • #3
      Wa alaykumus salaam,

      The problem is there is an islamic solution, but that is not necessarily in keeping with your culture, or family traditions. Only you will know that.

      So from a point of view of islam you can go into this with a full marriage, you can marry young then still keep studying the pair of you and meet up and talk then freely, with the expectation you would provide for her once you had finished your studies but otherwise be married.

      Or you can marry, but still live apart, and still be able to speak on the phone and be halal to do this but not meeting up given the distances between you.

      Or you could ask your family to speak to her's, explain you are interested, and that you fully intend to put in a proposal once you've completed your studies, but that you're both keeping away from each other until then but at least your families could keep in touch and you know no one else then going to be accepted to marry her.

      If you go for option 3 you need to keep away from each other, it's going to be too difficult to avoid an emotional attachment otherwise and if things fall through it will go badly for her in any future proposals.

      If you cannot, or will not go forward with this, either due to personally not having the courage to approach your own family, or they approach her's, or because culture stands in the way then back away, do not talk to her, because you're only going to destroy her reputation as well as your own if these things come out later on if she is wanting to marry someone else.
      Last edited by Gingerbeardman; 03-06-18, 02:31 PM.
      FOLLOW THE NEW BLOG - GINGERBEARDMAN - Muslim, father, husband, writer, defender of ginger rights!

      www.facebook.com/outreach4Islam - Outreach4Islam have been working together in Leicester, calling the not yet Muslims to Islam since 2006.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
        Assalamualikum

        You have to tell your parents that you are interested in the girl so they can get in touch with her family and arrange something.

        Otherwise you might wonder about the what ifs.

        Best to try now.

        You can still study and work while being married

        Financially it'll be challenging but your dingity is at stake, you are young and you should get married, it's permissible for you.

        Your parents preventing you from getting married is not a good thing. Just explain to them you really like her and want to have a nikah now. You can't wait, tell them you have feelings for her.

        Don't hide your feelings, parents need to be told otherwise they don't get it.

        Don't talk to the girl anymore. Stop doing that unless you are a complete numpty that's asking for trouble.

        If her family don't agree then that is that. Lol sorry, you'll be upset for a while but hopefully you'll get over it.

        Your lesson from this will be not to get attached to a girl or to talk to a girl alone because zina is right in front of you. You will ruin your life the moment you go to zina because there is no rewimd button.

        If they agree then happy days BUT that doesn't mean you behave like GF and bf.

        If you need to talk to her, do it only when her dad or brothers are there.

        The last thing any person wants is a potential that is wondering about their ex lover.
        You either try NOW or forget her altogether.
        She doesn't belong to you so tough. If you want her, go out of your way and take the halal route.
        if not then leave another man's daughter alone or you will be responsible for ruining her dignity (obviously she is responsible too).

        All the best!!



        ​​​​





        Thank you for the reply..I have mentioned marriage to my parents many times but because of cultural belief, they insist that it is not the right age for marriage. I understand this as I myself do not feel like I am ready for marriage yet in terms of being financially capable.

        I am staying at a distsnce from her to protect her honour and dignity.. we haven't spoke since October and even then we only ever spoke twice online. I know it is still sinful no matter how many times we spoke..may Allah SWT forgive us.

        I guess I just have to seek guidance and have patience and faith in Allah SWT that if it is meant to be it will happen, no matter how long it takes..Allahs timing is surely best.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Gingerbeardman View Post
          Wa alaykumus salaam,

          The problem is there is an islamic solution, but that is not necessarily in keeping with your culture, or family traditions. Only you will know that.

          So from a point of view of islam you can go into this with a full marriage, you can marry young then still keep studying the pair of you and meet up and talk then freely, with the expectation you would provide for her once you had finished your studies but otherwise be married.

          Or you can marry, but still live apart, and still be able to speak on the phone and be halal to do this but not meeting up given the distances between you.

          Or you could ask your family to speak to her's, explain you are interested, and that you fully intend to put in a proposal once you've completed your studies, but that you're both keeping away from each other until then but at least your families could keep in touch and you know no one else then going to be accepted to marry her.

          If you go for option 3 you need to keep away from each other, it's going to be too difficult to avoid an emotional attachment otherwise and if things fall through it will go badly for her in any future proposals.

          If you cannot, or will not go forward with this, either due to personally not having the courage to approach your own family, or they approach her's, or because culture stands in the way then back away, do not talk to her, because you're only going to destroy her reputation as well as your own if these things come out later on if she is wanting to marry someone else.
          Thank you for your reply,


          Due to cultural reasons and traditions, i don't think my parents would want us to get married and live apart so this is not an option.

          But i guess I will never truly know untill I actually mention her to my parents..only then will we get somewhere. I keep putting it off but I realise now I will someday have to have a talk with them.

          Jazakallah khayr for your advice, may Allah reward you.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by ali786786 View Post
            What i feel is that Allah has sent us for each other and we really do belong together but the timing of our meeting is not right.

            Jazakallah Khair.
            Do not put this kind of stuff in your head. You don't know what Allah swt has sent for you. This assumption that someone you're lusting after is due to Allah is wrong. You already knew what your choices were and what you have to do. Either do it or leave her be. The fact you are putting it off suggest you don't desperately want it.

            If she was 'sent' for you then leave her and in 3 years time when you can marry her then go propose. Allah says what is meant for you will never pass you by.
            Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by shay5 View Post

              Do not put this kind of stuff in your head. You don't know what Allah swt has sent for you. This assumption that someone you're lusting after is due to Allah is wrong. You already knew what your choices were and what you have to do. Either do it or leave her be. The fact you are putting it off suggest you don't desperately want it.

              If she was 'sent' for you then leave her and in 3 years time when you can marry her then go propose. Allah says what is meant for you will never pass you by.
              I appreciate your advice but I am not "lusting" over her , it is much more than that. I want to do everything the islamic way and that's why it feels like the real thing.

              I have left her like you said..we haven't spoke since October and even then we only ever spoke twice online. I know it is still sinful no matter how many times we spoke..may Allah SWT forgive us...

              But the fact that she is making me a better person only adds to my thoughts that Allah has sent us for each other..

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by ali786786 View Post

                But the fact that she is making me a better person only adds to my thoughts that Allah has sent us for each other..
                do you know how cliche this sounds? Most muslim haram couples who struggle to be together say this. If that is the reason you think Allah has sent her for you then why didn't all those 100000134567800000000 couples who also said the same work out? Why did they end up with a different spouse.
                Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by shay5 View Post

                  do you know how cliche this sounds? Most muslim haram couples who struggle to be together say this. If that is the reason you think Allah has sent her for you then why didn't all those 100000134567800000000 couples who also said the same work out? Why did they end up with a different spouse.
                  I don't care about cliches and I don't think you understand the situation properly.

                  We are not a couple and the only haraam thing we have done is speaking to each other online on two occasions.

                  We have stayed away from each other and will continue to do so but naturally I have my worries about all the uncertainties.

                  I guess just praying for patience and tawakul is what's best.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by ali786786 View Post

                    Thank you for your reply,


                    Due to cultural reasons and traditions, i don't think my parents would want us to get married and live apart so this is not an option.

                    But i guess I will never truly know untill I actually mention her to my parents..only then will we get somewhere. I keep putting it off but I realise now I will someday have to have a talk with them.

                    Jazakallah khayr for your advice, may Allah reward you.
                    If your parents are close, they may already know if her folks have someone else in mind for her, or whether it worth mentioning just to put a placeholder type claim there that mentions in passing you'd be interested once everyone's studies are done.
                    FOLLOW THE NEW BLOG - GINGERBEARDMAN - Muslim, father, husband, writer, defender of ginger rights!

                    www.facebook.com/outreach4Islam - Outreach4Islam have been working together in Leicester, calling the not yet Muslims to Islam since 2006.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Same old..
                      Last edited by shay5; 03-06-18, 07:23 PM.
                      Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                      Comment

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