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  • its making me loose it

    asa to all,

    i just recently got married.its just been 4 months into our marriage
    my husband and i have an amazing relationship,i love everything about us

    why i have written the title is because my husband and i live with his mother
    my husband just recently moved back from another country and has started job back home,so he can not immediately afford a place and he insist we live with his mom
    now the problem is that i use to work too but have stopped since last 4 months because of marriage preperations and also have to focus on my exam after which i might get a better job

    since we have started to live in his moms home she has been having issues
    i ask her all the time if she needs help around the house but she just says no
    she has this thing that no one should touch her stuff or keep it in any other place
    she does not want her kitchen to get messy so she cooks herself
    i could cook for my husband as before i was but she does not like i mess her kitchen,one time she got angry at me for keeping her things else where.
    even though she will start to change my room stuff all the time if i am not home and i dont even make that an issue

    now i study for my exam so i dont have much time for house stuff but she just presents me in front of her son as if i dont do anything around the house
    i even give her money from my savings for household expenses
    i do as much as i can,ask her as much i can
    because of all this my husband is in lot of stress and its creating problems in my relationship with him
    this is my second marriage and its difficult for me so i am more stressed and worried
    need help

  • #2
    Walikumsalam

    How much mess do you make? Try to keep it as tidy as possible and always check how she does things so you put it back the same way.

    I remember I used to put the wrong bowls in the wrong cupboards and my mum would flip.

    That was scary. She had her own organisation going on and I had to respect that. It was not as easy as it sounds.

    Who'd think putting back saucepans and other utensils would be an issue but it is for many women.

    How many people live at the house? If it's just you three there shouldn't be much mess anyway.

    Put aside some time to show your mil you do work when your husband is around but also when he is at work.

    Is it an undergraduate course you are doing? If so, is it possible to stay back at uni for some peace and quiet for revision? Or go to the library?

    I don't like how my mil does certain things. If it was up to me, I would throw a lot of stuff away (recycle of course).

    Have you spoken to your husband?

    You'll have to explain to him that you are under pressure at the moment with exams. Don't blame his mum, just tell him what has happened. E.g you have always tried to cook for him (or ask him have you ever cooked for him or done any house work) but your mother in law doesn't like how you do things.

    Ask him for his support so he understands what's happening. Tell him as soon as exams are over you will do more around the house. Obviously, stick to your words.

    Be nice to the mil. Offer her tea, make sure you do this when your husband is around aswell.

    Your husband has to witness it all, that way he won't be as stressed and know that it is just petty and hopefully your mil and you can work in harmony soon.












    Last edited by Ya'sin; 23-05-18, 11:00 AM.
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

    Comment


    • #3
      I have some bathroom/ baby wipes in my room. (Be careful what you use them on as they are not suitable for all surfaces). They are there for those temporary emergencies.

      It's a quick job, wipe the surfaces within five minutes and then go back to revision.

      Do a quick vacuum downstairs, doesn't have to be a long one if it's regular.

      Small things like that will show at least you are putting effort in.

      Last edited by Ya'sin; 23-05-18, 11:01 AM.
      'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

      So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
        Walikumsalam

        How much mess do you make? Try to keep it as tidy as possible and always check how she does things so you put it back the same way.

        I remember I used to put the wrong bowls in the wrong cupboards and my mum would flip.

        That was scary. She had her own organisation going on and I had to respect that. It was not as easy as it sounds.

        Who'd think putting back saucepans and other utensils would be an issue but it is for many women.

        How many people live at the house? If it's just you three there shouldn't be much mess anyway.

        Put aside some time to show your mil you do work when your husband is around but also when he is at work.

        Is it an undergraduate course you are doing? If so, is it possible to stay back at uni for some peace and quiet for revision? Or go to the library?

        I don't like how my mil does certain things. If it was up to me, I would throw a lot of stuff away (recycle of course).

        Have you spoken to your husband?

        You'll have to explain to him that you are under pressure at the moment with exams. Don't blame his mum, just tell him what has happened. E.g you have always tried to cook for him (or ask him have you ever cooked for him or done any house work) but your mother in law doesn't like how you do things.

        Ask him for his support so he understands what's happening. Test him as soon as exams are over you will do more around the house. Obviously, stick to your words.

        Be nice to the mil. Offer her tea, make sure you do this when your husband is around aswell.

        Your husband has to witness it all, that way he won't be as stressed and know that it is just petty and hopefully your mil and you can work in harmony soon.












        asa yasin
        thanks for the response

        i do not make mess at all

        her son and daughter claim she has OCD and they cant do much about it

        she keeps cleaning one place multiple times and i think expects me to do the same,i just cant

        i am doing post graduate course and its very tough,not easy at all

        i will ofcousre be working after that and wont be home most of the time

        but for the time being as i am i try my best to keep my room clean.i even ask her tea even in evening,make her breakfast when i am making for my husband

        but when i use to cook i would never make mess as i know of her problem ,try to remember where i pick something but i am always in constant stress of not doing something wrong,

        anyway then she took over and told me she will cook food,i thought may be m not in her budget or something

        she has snapped at me twice already for no reason at all

        my husband is very understanding and says his mom is doing wrong

        i just want peace in my home and so does he

        the whole atmosphere of the home depends on her mood

        me and my husband are very happy together and we never fought even once,i normally dont complain to my husband about petty issues but she does all the time which makes him worried

        i am not able to concenrate at all on my studying and feel getting depressed day my day as i have already went through a very awful marraige once

        i am praying as much that ALLAH makes things easy for me

        i need to know how should i talk to my husband about this and make him understand?

        Comment


        • #5
          Alhamdullilah that your husband says your mum is doing wrong so you know he sees it himself and so do the siblings

          This is a good sign and if you put yourself in your husband's shoes, he can't really do much about it at the moment.
          You said that he can't move out right now because he can't afford it (he has the intention to do so?).

          He has two important women nagging at him, the poor man is stuck himself. At the end of the day he can't tell his mum off and he has to be really really careful with how he tells his mum to stop behaving like that. It will upset her (mums are extra sensitive when their child says something for obvious reasons).

          It is tough because it's a huge distraction when you try to study but there is one individual that is creating issues.

          Stay in your room to study. Shut the door and just focus.
          Tell your husband you would like to do that because you feel a lot of stress.

          Make sure you appreciate him, he has to be told that so it encourages him to be more understanding in sha Allah. Thank him. His mum is always complaining to him about you so don't follow her lead.

          Be the good guy and bite your tongue otherwise the mil will use it against you. Just see her as your own mum. (I know this is also hard but it can help to respect her stubbornness).

          When your husband is in a good mood (well fed) and you have made him feel appreciated then ask him what he thinks you should do (I think men like it when you ask them for advice, they feel in their place aka leader).
          Listen to what he has to say if he has any suggestions and then tell him how you feel.

          DON'T always make this part of your conversation as it will just push him away from spending time with you. No one wants to be constantly moaned at.

          Make sure you pray for your marriage all the time.

          Above all, I hate to say it but you have to have some sabr, I know it is tough. When I was doing my studies, I use to get told off for nothing, it was just toxic. I hated it.

          If your husband lets you, definitely consider going to the library for some time out, you can still get some revision done. Do this when he is at work though.

          Don't go to your parents house.

          Hope it all calms down in sha Allah.



          Last edited by Ya'sin; 23-05-18, 01:43 PM.
          'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

          So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
            Alhamdullilah that your husband says your mum is doing wrong so you know he sees it himself and so do the siblings

            This is a good sign and if you put yourself in your husband's shoes, he can't really do much about it at the moment.
            You said that he can't move out right now because he can't afford it (he has the intention to do so?).

            He has two important women nagging at him, the poor man is stuck himself. At the end of the day he can't tell his mum off and he has to be really really careful with how he tells his mum to stop behaving like that. It will upset her (mums are extra sensitive when their child says something for obvious reasons).

            It is tough because it's a huge distraction when you try to study but there is one individual that is creating issues.

            Stay in your room to study. Shut the door and just focus.
            Tell your husband you would like to do that because you feel a lot of stress.

            Make sure you appreciate him, he has to be told that so it encourages him to be more understanding in sha Allah. Thank him. His mum is always complaining to him about you so don't follow her lead.

            Be the good guy and bite your tongue otherwise the mil will use it against you. Just see her as your own mum. (I know this is also hard but it can help to respect her stubbornness).

            When your husband is in a good mood (well fed) and you have made him feel appreciated then ask him what he thinks you should do (I think men like it when you ask them for advice, they feel in their place aka leader).
            Listen to what he has to say if he has any suggestions and then tell him how you feel.

            DON'T always make this part of your conversation as it will just push him away from spending time with you. No one wants to be constantly moaned at.

            Make sure you pray for your marriage all the time.

            Above all, I hate to say it but you have to have some sabr, I know it is tough. When I was doing my studies, I use to get told off for nothing, it was just toxic. I hated it.

            If your husband lets you, definitely consider going to the library for some time out, you can still get some revision done. Do this when he is at work though.

            Don't go to your parents house.

            Hope it all calms down in sha Allah.


            THANKYOU FOR SUCH AN ENORMOUS REPLY

            first time there was tension at home he told me if she keeps acting like that i need to find us a new place,but its a cultural thing what can i say

            i always thank him for everything,we dont have any issues and we need to be best for each other thats what we both agree on.

            i dont want to stress him but i dont like him getting stressed beacuse of his mother

            even if i shut the door she does not like that

            i just dont know what to do any more

            i think she just does not like me being in her house at all

            i am trying my best and my husbands can see that

            i m also trying i get a job part time some where but it will take some time to get ofcourse

            please keep in prayers

            Comment


            • #7
              Yes in sha Allah, keep me in your duas too

              I understand the cultural expectations, I'm Bengali, are you?

              She is probably just not used to another person in the kitchen. In my family, I have a few sisters lol and my mum prefers one more than the other in the kitchen, it's just the way she is. Not because she hates the other one but I suppose she is just more used to with one or two of us working like the way she does.

              My only downfall are those bowls going in the wrong cupboard and not stacking them properly to dry.

              It's so funny and scary, my mum will take it so far when she starts telling off 'how will you survive with in laws'

              It was a BOWL. Lmso

              But in a way she was right though. *Gulps*

              Alhamdullilah

              Pm me if things get better (we can learn from each other) hopefully they will in sha Allah

              All the best with the situation and your exams!
              'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

              So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

              Comment


              • #8
                Walaykum salam,

                As soon as I read the first part of your post, I strongly suspected that your MIL has OCD, even before you mentioned it. The C in OCD stands for Compulsive, which means she cannot control this behaviour and this is not something she intends to change. It seems the rest of the family have accepted this is the way she is. Having said that, you should speak to your husband about the fact that you feel the need to set boundaries and stick to them. You should take issue with the fact that your MIL moves your possessions around. You should take issue with the fact that she doesn't want you to cook and then complains to your husband that you don't do it. That is controlling behaviour and you should not tolerate it because her behaviour is making you depressed. The more quiet you are, the worse she'll get.

                You need to speak to your husband about this to ensure that he supports your decision to set some boundaries and that means these boundaries in particular:

                1- That she doesn't touch your things or go into your room as you're perfectly capable of taking care of it as in Islam, you have the right to your own private space separate from the mother in law even if it's just the bedroom. You even have the Islamic right to put a lock on your bedroom door and not give her the key, but only resort to the lock if she disregards these boundaries or invades your privacy

                2- In front of your husband, ask her does she want you to cook for your husband or does she want to do it? If she wants you to do it, then do it and clean the dishes and work surfaces afterwards. If she's very obsessive about the kitchen, maybe consider allocating a separate stove and cupboard that's for your cooking utensils so that it doesn't interrupt her obsessive "system" of organising the kitchen. If she starts interfering with that cupboard, then lock it. If necessary, use separate utensils and dishes if she feels that using hers will trigger her OCD.

                3- Stop spending your savings on your in laws. Don't give them a penny. Your husband has a duty to maintain you financially and if you were working, then you could choose to contribute to their expenses but don't give anything of your savings as they have no right to it and his mother doesn't respect it or you.

                As the other sister said, study in the library or somewhere else if that makes it easier. You can't let her get into your head and ruin your own future plans and the only way you can stop her is by establishing some boundaries. Ignore those old grandma's lectures about compromise and being the doormat of the elders. Talk to his mother with respect, don't swear or raise your voice towards her, but don't let her dance on your head either. Work towards getting your qualifications so that you can work towards getting a job and finding the means to move out. Put it this way, if you had a daughter you would not want her to put up with this crap, so why are you? By the time you have kids, you're going to be their role model and they'll learn how to deal with people from you.
                The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

                Comment


                • #9
                  why do you give your savings to your MIL? what is wrong with you women? Your husband should be providing for you! Keep your savings FOR YOURSELF!
                  Leave her to cook in her kitchen, its one less responsibility for you
                  When she tells your husband you are lazy, he should ask his mother to list down some chores he expects you to do...
                  I have to say you're a saint, OCD people are the worst to live with, they make you go crazy.
                  Have patience, this is to be expected when living with inlaws...

                  Also she shouldn't be coming into your private bedroom.. How invasive !
                  Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    It's nice to read other members perspective on this

                    Jazak Allah hu khair
                    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by neelu View Post
                      Walaykum salam,

                      As soon as I read the first part of your post, I strongly suspected that your MIL has OCD, even before you mentioned it. The C in OCD stands for Compulsive, which means she cannot control this behaviour and this is not something she intends to change. It seems the rest of the family have accepted this is the way she is. Having said that, you should speak to your husband about the fact that you feel the need to set boundaries and stick to them. You should take issue with the fact that your MIL moves your possessions around. You should take issue with the fact that she doesn't want you to cook and then complains to your husband that you don't do it. That is controlling behaviour and you should not tolerate it because her behaviour is making you depressed. The more quiet you are, the worse she'll get.

                      You need to speak to your husband about this to ensure that he supports your decision to set some boundaries and that means these boundaries in particular:

                      1- That she doesn't touch your things or go into your room as you're perfectly capable of taking care of it as in Islam, you have the right to your own private space separate from the mother in law even if it's just the bedroom. You even have the Islamic right to put a lock on your bedroom door and not give her the key, but only resort to the lock if she disregards these boundaries or invades your privacy

                      2- In front of your husband, ask her does she want you to cook for your husband or does she want to do it? If she wants you to do it, then do it and clean the dishes and work surfaces afterwards. If she's very obsessive about the kitchen, maybe consider allocating a separate stove and cupboard that's for your cooking utensils so that it doesn't interrupt her obsessive "system" of organising the kitchen. If she starts interfering with that cupboard, then lock it. If necessary, use separate utensils and dishes if she feels that using hers will trigger her OCD.

                      3- Stop spending your savings on your in laws. Don't give them a penny. Your husband has a duty to maintain you financially and if you were working, then you could choose to contribute to their expenses but don't give anything of your savings as they have no right to it and his mother doesn't respect it or you.

                      As the other sister said, study in the library or somewhere else if that makes it easier. You can't let her get into your head and ruin your own future plans and the only way you can stop her is by establishing some boundaries. Ignore those old grandma's lectures about compromise and being the doormat of the elders. Talk to his mother with respect, don't swear or raise your voice towards her, but don't let her dance on your head either. Work towards getting your qualifications so that you can work towards getting a job and finding the means to move out. Put it this way, if you had a daughter you would not want her to put up with this crap, so why are you? By the time you have kids, you're going to be their role model and they'll learn how to deal with people from you.
                      Thankyou neelu foe such a beautiful reply

                      i completely understand what you r saying even my parents do but you know how parents are.

                      already once i have suffered so my parents want me to b compromising they say if u earn u should just give her money so she stays happy.

                      Its just that she can never be happy...

                      so all this tension at home escalated a bit ..my husband got really fad up of his mom and even his sister advised him you should move out..

                      my MIL started to bang around telling every one even my own parents that how bad i m at being a wife..

                      even though my husband says he is the lucky person to have me in his life..

                      he told me even he also wants to move out and we should live our lives.

                      he is also fed of being always controlled by her.

                      his sister was like dont u know how much her OCD has gotten worse over past so many years dont u undertsand it.its better you guys move out..

                      my dad and brother were all up for even backing me up financially.

                      Even my dad told my MIL that yes in islam if these issue r present then you should let them live separately.

                      On which she started to emotionally blackmail my husband that i knew it you will leave me when i get old and all .

                      and ofcourse being her son he then holded that thought.seeing my husband so much tense i calmed my MIL down a bit things got better even though she said lot of horrible things to me i just stayed quite.

                      Now i still want to move out beacuse i know of her condition .

                      i know she is fine for two days the most then she will flip again its nothing new and i know it will happen.

                      my husband says it wont happen but i know it will.it just will..

                      now if i tell my husband we should move out he will then think i m really seperating him from his mom .how should i talk to him about it now??????

                      Its just that ALHAMDULILLAH i have a very good qualification and can afford my self .but when i got married i wanted peace and harmony and a loving husband.

                      the only thing that making he stay is my husband beacuse he is really nice to me.

                      but i am getting fad up of these fights on petty issues that i already have once suffered from. If i still wa sgoing to get same mess again then why i even got married..i was better of alone..at least i was happy

                      i hope ALLAH makes things easy for everyone

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
                        Yes in sha Allah, keep me in your duas too

                        I understand the cultural expectations, I'm Bengali, are you?

                        She is probably just not used to another person in the kitchen. In my family, I have a few sisters lol and my mum prefers one more than the other in the kitchen, it's just the way she is. Not because she hates the other one but I suppose she is just more used to with one or two of us working like the way she does.

                        My only downfall are those bowls going in the wrong cupboard and not stacking them properly to dry.

                        It's so funny and scary, my mum will take it so far when she starts telling off 'how will you survive with in laws'

                        It was a BOWL. Lmso

                        But in a way she was right though. *Gulps*

                        Alhamdullilah

                        Pm me if things get better (we can learn from each other) hopefully they will in sha Allah

                        All the best with the situation and your exams!
                        Thankyou for always replying sister

                        i am from Hyderabad

                        i find this forum really useful and helpful

                        at least i get good responses here and in a way write and vent off a bit

                        i just wish i have a son someday and promise to be that MIL i would wanted INSHALLAH may ALLAH give me strength to fulfil this

                        its just that sister i want peace in life nothing else.i come from a very loving peacful family.i have never seen my mom dad fight.we never have fights at home on small issues..

                        my brother also has a wife .as me being sister in law and even my mom we keep her like a queen..not once in my life my mom ever asked her to cook.not once i have ever asked her to do something for me and INSHALLAH we will always strive to be like that

                        my mom just says that you are very strong and ALLAH only give hardships as much as u can take

                        i never think bad about other ever

                        about people telling me not to spend i even find that OK that even hazrat khatijha R.A afforded her self and even spend on our prophet.its okay if i spend on my husband in hard times.they are our idols we follow them

                        but i just get sad sometime and think will i ever be happy in marriage.i have waited a lot (8 years almost ) for a peaceful marraige.i just hope that ALLAH makes things better and easy



                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by KOKO1987 View Post
                          asa to all,

                          i just recently got married.its just been 4 months into our marriage
                          my husband and i have an amazing relationship,i love everything about us

                          why i have written the title is because my husband and i live with his mother
                          my husband just recently moved back from another country and has started job back home,so he can not immediately afford a place and he insist we live with his mom
                          now the problem is that i use to work too but have stopped since last 4 months because of marriage preperations and also have to focus on my exam after which i might get a better job

                          since we have started to live in his moms home she has been having issues
                          i ask her all the time if she needs help around the house but she just says no
                          she has this thing that no one should touch her stuff or keep it in any other place
                          she does not want her kitchen to get messy so she cooks herself
                          i could cook for my husband as before i was but she does not like i mess her kitchen,one time she got angry at me for keeping her things else where.
                          even though she will start to change my room stuff all the time if i am not home and i dont even make that an issue

                          now i study for my exam so i dont have much time for house stuff but she just presents me in front of her son as if i dont do anything around the house
                          i even give her money from my savings for household expenses
                          i do as much as i can,ask her as much i can
                          because of all this my husband is in lot of stress and its creating problems in my relationship with him
                          this is my second marriage and its difficult for me so i am more stressed and worried
                          need help
                          Were back to Evil MIL story,

                          Well i guess we've done the Evil DIL one,

                          We wont get to the end this until your MIL comes online and has her say, which we doubt is gonna happen.


                          Last edited by Saif-Uddin; 25-05-18, 01:32 PM.
                          http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

                          "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

                          – Imam al-Shafi’i (Rahimahullah)

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I know in some loving and peaceful families who still carry old fashioned values, there's this quaint idea that if you treat your in laws very nicely and they're a bit rude, then you learn to bend and compromise and adjust to the situation to keep the peace. Every marriage requires some level of compromise and adjustment, especially on the wife's part and that's normal. Having said that, this goes with an assumption that if the in laws are very difficult and very rude and stubborn, then you're supposed to bend over backwards until you break your back in the hope that maybe one day after you've given up your best years, your youth, your physical and mental strength, maybe, just maybe, they'll look back and realise you did so much for them and maybe they'll soften a bit.... that only happens in Star Plus dramas, not in real life. In real life you're a human being and your power of endurance has its limits. You also have some self respect and although elders have the right to correct you if you're wrong, they don't have the right to belittle you at every opportunity because they have a personality disorder and need to crush someone with their insecurities in order to feel better about themselves.

                            A line has to be drawn and the problem is not just the OCD. The OCD is something she cannot control. She can't help the fact that she feels a need for things in the kitchen and around the house to look a certain way. Beyond that she feels the need to control your husband and you with emotional blackmail. Like I said before, a line has to be drawn because this is having an adverse effect on your own mental health. You need to have a word with your husband, not just about moving out, but also how to address the fact that his mum will have a hissy fit and throw an emotional blackmail tantrum in the hopes of forcing him to stay and if he doesn't stay then she'll tell the whole neighbourhood and extended family that you're a terrible daughter in law and her son has abandoned her in old age. Surely you both know her well enough that you should be prepared for that and have a contingency plan.

                            I know a local family in which the mum is quite controlling and her son said that when he gets married, he'll either have to live with his parents or get a job abroad- there's no in between option. he said that because he knew that if he merely suggested moving to a house across the street to have his own space, his mum would throw a tantrum and make a fuss that her son has abandoned her. Bear in mind, she was the reason why his first marriage didn't work out even though he got on very well with his first wife, but his mother basically broke her and sent her back to her parents house. So he knew there was no other way to convince her even though his current wife is very well behaved and treats his mother well but he decided not to risk living with his mother permanently and he's taken his wife and kids to settle abroad. This is not an isolated case, these issues are very common and one thing you and your husband have to remember most of all is don't pay the slightest attention to log kya kehenge. Log don't pay your bills or support you in your time of need. Also remember that if you give your mother in law everything in terms of time, attention, care and money, she will still belittle you at every turn and you will get no appreciation whatsoever so you need to stop giving her so much and save some strength for your own sanity, for your own studies, for you to be able to take care of your own needs.

                            So like I said before, draw a line of what you consider acceptable and stick with it. If she crosses those boundaries and touches your things or belittles you then remind her that she should not behave like that and if she doesn't behave then you will do something about it and she will regret it. Let your husband know that she has left you with no other choice and so he cannot scold you for what you're about to do. She'll see it as an empty threat because she's used to you being her doormat so she'll continue to be abusive and the next time she tries something, you move all the contents of one kitchen cupboard into a different cupboard and never ever ever ever ever ever ever apologise for it. She is a bully and she'll never respect you until you stand up for yourself- even then she might still never respect you but it's the only chance you've got and you want to have a backbone. Do you really think if you respect her and do everything she says, she'd treat you any better anyway? If there were any chance of that, I would not be giving you this advice and you know that already.
                            The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

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                            • #15
                              I just felt like saying that brothers will never understand how challenging it can be to live with in laws.

                              It's very difficult, especially for sisters like me who are quite sensitive. I could just about handle my mum always complaining because she's the one who raised me, the least I could do is respect her.

                              When it is another woman it is so tough to keep patient.

                              The op is saying about how she and her mum treat her sil well, fair enough but at the end of the day, in laws are in laws. You don't know how your sister in law is feeling even if you think you are treating her right.

                              it is better if everyone has their own space, kitchen, bathroom. Doesn't have to be luxurious.

                              Private space is like paradise. All I ask is for empathy and I have learnt that if possible, find someone who understands this.

                              Sisters get divorced because of in laws- that's a marriage gone to waste.

                              No one is a saint, daughter in laws can be difficult too but the bottom line is, living with in laws is a huge sacrifice from her part and because most people are struggling to find own accommodation, it seems like the only option

                              I don't like calling my mil 'mum'. The truth is I hate it, but out of respect I call her that.

                              Just understand this when you enter marriage that it will be a test for all.

                              The only way for men to understand this situation is to live with their in laws, and a father in law that is strict and expects a lot from you.

                              You will do a runner, you will not last a minute knowing there is always that person breathing down your neck.






                              ​​​​​​
                              'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                              So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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