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Sexual past of to be fiance- in disprate need of help

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  • Sexual past of to be fiance- in disprate need of help

    I have met a man through family friends and he is everything i am looking for mashallah We are planning to get married soon.

    He told me about his past relationships which included 3 girls who he slept with AND had no intentions in marrying. This stopped a year before he met me and has told me he repented. I have had alot of relationships too but none of them led to sex. I am not exactly an angel but i didnt have sex.

    one of the thing that kills me is that he made a tawba for a year in between then went back to it. Even though he knew he didnt want to marry the girl but still went for a relationship with her. He has told me that the reason he got out was he felt very uncomfortable and regretting so he left her and started looking for a real relationship instead of a fake one and made repentance. And prayed allah will send him a Muslim woman ( the previous ones werent muslims)



    another thing that is odd was he never missed a prayer even while dating these girls he kept himself chaste for 26 years ( no dating no nothing) then fell for this trap for 3 years.

    It makes me so sad because he is such a nice kind sweet shy relegious guy. It makes me fear that we are not compatible or he is not stable because he did that after being clean for 26 years. He prays and doesn’t want us to sin and have sex and wait until marriage as do i. But i hate his past choices

    I am living in ocd for 3 months now where i keep picturing him with these girls and it kills me. I always wanted a man who values a relationship and knows what he wants. He tells me he didnt know what love is until he met me and had he met me earlier he wouldnt have gone that path. My heart is felled with pain and sorrow. I am taking medicine and seeing a therapist. This has been going on for 4 months. I told my family about it. They told me to forgive him cuz he is such a nice and sweet man and he has repented. But i cant bring myself to forgive him. Especially becase he has repented before and went back to it.



    Also, one different thing between us is i lived most of my life in the middle east, he grew up in usa. Which might have led him to that path but it still makes me cry because he is such a good man.



    Help me please. Does he deserve forgiveness and is worth marrying? And how can i stop living in ocd about his past? Its very bad and damaging to my health. Pray for me to get better :(


  • #2
    Why do you come on the internet for such advice?

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Abu 'Abdullaah View Post
      Why do you come on the internet for such advice?

      I have come here before and the advices helped me. I did everything i can before coming here though.

      i asked a sheikh, did therapy, talked to my parents. Nothing really helped. Sheikh has told me to say autho bellah when i start thinking about it, it helped for a while but it came back, so i would appreciate anything at this point. I have nothing to loose

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by H.a View Post


        I have come here before and the advices helped me. I did everything i can before coming here though.

        i asked a sheikh, did therapy, talked to my parents. Nothing really helped. Sheikh has told me to say autho bellah when i start thinking about it, it helped for a while but it came back, so i would appreciate anything at this point. I have nothing to loose
        Except your dignity.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by H.a View Post
          I have met a man through family friends and he is everything i am looking for mashallah We are planning to get married soon.

          He told me about his past relationships which included 3 girls who he slept with AND had no intentions in marrying. This stopped a year before he met me and has told me he repented. I have had alot of relationships too but none of them led to sex. I am not exactly an angel but i didnt have sex.

          one of the thing that kills me is that he made a tawba for a year in between then went back to it. Even though he knew he didnt want to marry the girl but still went for a relationship with her. He has told me that the reason he got out was he felt very uncomfortable and regretting so he left her and started looking for a real relationship instead of a fake one and made repentance. And prayed allah will send him a Muslim woman ( the previous ones werent muslims)



          another thing that is odd was he never missed a prayer even while dating these girls he kept himself chaste for 26 years ( no dating no nothing) then fell for this trap for 3 years.

          It makes me so sad because he is such a nice kind sweet shy relegious guy. It makes me fear that we are not compatible or he is not stable because he did that after being clean for 26 years. He prays and doesn’t want us to sin and have sex and wait until marriage as do i. But i hate his past choices

          I am living in ocd for 3 months now where i keep picturing him with these girls and it kills me. I always wanted a man who values a relationship and knows what he wants. He tells me he didnt know what love is until he met me and had he met me earlier he wouldnt have gone that path. My heart is felled with pain and sorrow. I am taking medicine and seeing a therapist. This has been going on for 4 months. I told my family about it. They told me to forgive him cuz he is such a nice and sweet man and he has repented. But i cant bring myself to forgive him. Especially becase he has repented before and went back to it.



          Also, one different thing between us is i lived most of my life in the middle east, he grew up in usa. Which might have led him to that path but it still makes me cry because he is such a good man.



          Help me please. Does he deserve forgiveness and is worth marrying? And how can i stop living in ocd about his past? Its very bad and damaging to my health. Pray for me to get better :(
          He was chaste for 26 years; this can drive a man crazy, so I'm guessing he just couldn't take it anymore. He fell into temptation. The reason he never planned on marrying them was because he just wanted the sex.

          There's no shortage of nice sweet religious guys out there. Reject him if you really can't forgive him, especially since it's affecting your mental health. But just know that you've had relationships too. It's unfair for you to demand someone totally clean.

          Make sure to pray istikhara first though.

          Comment


          • #6
            Sorry about your situation, I agree with stoic

            It's really hard so if you need a bit more time then give yourself time

            Try to picture him out of your life and see how it goes.

            He is not your husband yet (unless you have had nikah) so it is a bit more easier to let go.

            Also, doing salah doesn't always mean people have kushoo, it becomes a ritual for some and they lose the concentration required.

            There's not much more I can say but don't let this take over your life. Ask Allah to heal you and start loving Allah.

            'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

            So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

              He was chaste for 26 years; this can drive a man crazy, so I'm guessing he just couldn't take it anymore. He fell into temptation. The reason he never planned on marrying them was because he just wanted the sex.

              There's no shortage of nice sweet religious guys out there. Reject him if you really can't forgive him, especially since it's affecting your mental health. But just know that you've had relationships too. It's unfair for you to demand someone totally clean.

              Make sure to pray istikhara first though.

              Thats what i thought when he first told me, that it was just sex, and he says he liked them alot and it was a true serious relationship but then he relaised it was fake after.

              i wouldnt care that much if he had 30 relationships but no sex, Its the sex that kills me.

              i prayed estkgara alot, but i will pray more.

              thank you alot

              Comment


              • #8
                He prayed salah and what thats good
                lt means he didnt stop worshipping Allah

                someone who commits zina is not as bad as some one who doesnt pray
                leaving prayers is a major sin scholars would even say this leads to disbelief if they completely abandon salah
                so comparing him to someone who didnt pray
                hes much better
                yes he sinned but at least he didnt stop praying


                and if u wasnt an angel u cant really make a big deal out of what he did
                so either u marry him or dont

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
                  Sorry about your situation, I agree with stoic

                  It's really hard so if you need a bit more time then give yourself time

                  Try to picture him out of your life and see how it goes.

                  He is not your husband yet (unless you have had nikah) so it is a bit more easier to let go.

                  Also, doing salah doesn't always mean people have kushoo, it becomes a ritual for some and they lose the concentration required.

                  There's not much more I can say but don't let this take over your life. Ask Allah to heal you and start loving Allah.

                  it already did take over me :( its all ive been thinking about. I told my parents and they were shocked at first cuz he seems really relegious and respectful but then said he is a good guy, hes the nicest man i met and treats me amazingly. im just not happy

                  thank u for ur response

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post
                    He prayed salah and what thats good
                    lt means he didnt stop worshipping Allah

                    someone who commits zina is not as bad as some one who doesnt pray
                    leaving prayers is a major sin scholars would even say this leads to disbelief if they completely abandon salah
                    so comparing him to someone who didnt pray
                    hes much better
                    yes he sinned but at least he didnt stop praying


                    and if u wasnt an angel u cant really make a big deal out of what he did
                    so either u marry him or dont

                    But arent we different in the terms of i only had relationships with pure i tentions. He didnt

                    i dont know what to do :( my ocd is bad

                    But thank u

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Just to let you know zina is not only intercourse but any other haram act taken part in with someone that your not married to

                      its hypocritical when people make a deal out of someone having intercourse when the other person has been in relationships no matter the act they committed

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by H.a View Post


                        But arent we different in the terms of i only had relationships with pure i tentions. He didnt

                        i dont know what to do :( my ocd is bad

                        But thank u
                        Lol are u being serious

                        zina is zina whether your gonna marry the person a year later or having a fling both sinful and shameful

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          If your gonna get married start looking into your religion to save your self from the hellfire
                          have a healthy marriage and not be taken advantage of

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I don't understand why you are making such a big issue of letting go? If a man came to me for marriage and he didn't seem suitable; he would be rejected and that would be that. What is all this of 3 months of OCD and questioning yourself?

                            These potentials are not your family members, there shouldn't be any emotional connection to them. Marriage isn't going to make these feelings go away. Any time you argue with him, you'll just remember all his sins.

                            Pray Istikhara and do what you think is best. I think you have bigger issues than this. You say you're seeing a therapist and taking medicine....maybe work on yourself before committing to a marriage...
                            Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by shay5 View Post
                              I don't understand why you are making such a big issue of letting go? If a man came to me for marriage and he didn't seem suitable; he would be rejected and that would be that. What is all this of 3 months of OCD and questioning yourself?

                              These potentials are not your family members, there shouldn't be any emotional connection to them. Marriage isn't going to make these feelings go away. Any time you argue with him, you'll just remember all his sins.

                              Pray Istikhara and do what you think is best. I think you have bigger issues than this. You say you're seeing a therapist and taking medicine....maybe work on yourself before committing to a marriage...


                              The reason i am making it a big deal cuz its in the past, it was years before he met me and now he is a changed person. But i somehow still cannot accept it. Other than his past he seems very suitable. He is very relegious. Doesnt want to do any haram with me and is very respectful to my parents. But i am stuck in the past and i i love him that is why it is hard.i want to work on myself. I just dont know where to start

                              Comment

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