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I am a revert but for marriage a family won’t accept me

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    I am a revert but for marriage a family won’t accept me

    Hi ^-^ I Recently met with family of a brother who wants to marry me but his parents are ashamed of his choice because Iím a revert and not from their background I feel really low about myself and Iím about to turn 24 so I thought this would be the right time. He has been trying with his family for a year to reconsider but they are too set in their cultural ways. My heart hurts a lot, what do I do? He told them if he canít marry me he wonít get married at all but they still donít care?

    #2
    Originally posted by Softpeacelily View Post
    Hi ^-^ I Recently met with family of a brother who wants to marry me but his parents are ashamed of his choice because Iím a revert and not from their background I feel really low about myself and Iím about to turn 24 so I thought this would be the right time. He has been trying with his family for a year to reconsider but they are too set in their cultural ways. My heart hurts a lot, what do I do? He told them if he canít marry me he wonít get married at all but they still donít care?
    In Islam he doesn't need his parents permission.

    Comment


      #3
      Does he pray 5 times a day
      does he read quran regularly
      Does he study or want to study islam
      does he do any volunteering or ways to help the ummah or wants to
      does he have a muslim beard or trying to grow one
      doesnt free mix
      doesnt drink do drugs smoke etc
      His Friends are practising muslims
      does he have a halal job or is it haram eg involves interest,alcahol,drugs,policing

      if he doesnt fit in this criteria dont marry him

      Comment


        #4
        Originally posted by Softpeacelily View Post
        Hi ^-^ I Recently met with family of a brother who wants to marry me but his parents are ashamed of his choice because Iím a revert and not from their background I feel really low about myself and Iím about to turn 24 so I thought this would be the right time. He has been trying with his family for a year to reconsider but they are too set in their cultural ways. My heart hurts a lot, what do I do? He told them if he canít marry me he wonít get married at all but they still donít care?
        Thats why in Islam, we should not get direct with non Mahram and be wary of getting attached before marriage. If situation is as you describe and both of your are good practicing in love then marriage is the solution.

        Give him a timeframe to marry you or move away, dont contact him a lot. If you fail to get marries then it will leave emotional scara for both of you. So best thing for you two is to not be in contact and have a clear decision of marriage or not.

        If brother is able then he will stand up to his family and he doesnt need their permission in Islam. If he is unable and situation is too difficult then stop contact immediately.

        Comment


          #5
          Originally posted by Softpeacelily View Post
          Hi ^-^ I Recently met with family of a brother who wants to marry me but his parents are ashamed of his choice because Iím a revert and not from their background I feel really low about myself and Iím about to turn 24 so I thought this would be the right time. He has been trying with his family for a year to reconsider but they are too set in their cultural ways. My heart hurts a lot, what do I do? He told them if he canít marry me he wonít get married at all but they still donít care?
          Brother Abu julaybeeb asks the right questions. If he doesn't fit that criteria, he isn't marriage material. It is best if you contact a local masjid and see if they could help you get married. Don't let this guys parents discourage you, lots of Muslim families are like that, mostly because they don't have enough education about Islam. The Prophet made it clear that no one is better than another except by their deeds. Unfortunately, the Shaytaan has been at his job for a long time, and is really good at separating people.

          Make dua'a to Allah, pray extra prayers, and ask Him to guide you to the perfect Husband. I recommend you stay away from dating sites, they contain lots of trouble. Best to stick to the masjid.

          Comment


            #6
            Originally posted by Softpeacelily View Post
            Hi ^-^ I Recently met with family of a brother who wants to marry me but his parents are ashamed of his choice because Iím a revert and not from their background I feel really low about myself and Iím about to turn 24 so I thought this would be the right time. He has been trying with his family for a year to reconsider but they are too set in their cultural ways. My heart hurts a lot, what do I do? He told them if he canít marry me he wonít get married at all but they still donít care?
            You waited a year for this guy?

            Regarding your last line - he'll get married. You just move on.

            Comment


              #7
              If they are adamant about their decision then just move on. Even if you do marry him your inlaws will most likely make your life very difficult.

              My mom is a revert and till this day my grandma does not like her and my aunt literally want my siblings and I cut her off. My grandma has softened up a little but she will turn on her in an instant if the situation arises. Even though my mom literally did so much to make them like her they still hate on her because she's a revert.

              If you manage to persuade them then that would be great but if not, believe me, they will make you feel like an outsider forever. I am speaking from what I had to witness my entire life. Its a difficult situation to be in when your inlaws don't like or even approve of you.

              Comment


                #8
                Originally posted by Softpeacelily View Post
                Hi ^-^ I Recently met with family of a brother who wants to marry me but his parents are ashamed of his choice because Iím a revert and not from their background I feel really low about myself and Iím about to turn 24 so I thought this would be the right time. He has been trying with his family for a year to reconsider but they are too set in their cultural ways. My heart hurts a lot, what do I do? He told them if he canít marry me he wonít get married at all but they still donít care?
                Well according to shariah law if the man wants to marry a woman he doesn't need his families permission. So if the Guy wants to marry you than he can marry you and he doesn't need approval from his family. In order for your marriage to be valid he would have to ask for your hand in marriage through your parents and if your parents approve than you can marry him. In order for your marriage to be valid you need for him to give you a dowry which means any kind of gift and it can be as little as a dollar. To be safe if you have 2 male witnesses observe the dowry being given from him to you, that will be good. After that you are officially married according to the laws of Islam and can hang out and do whatever you want and should go to court and register as a married couple because it is obligatory to have a legally recognized marriage according to the laws of the country that you are in.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Originally posted by Softpeacelily View Post
                  He told them if he canít marry me he wonít get married at all but they still donít care?
                  They dont care because they know this is a lie. Is this a haram relationship? Either he marries you or you need to cut off all contact. You do not get blessings by committing haram. Trust in Allah, if he wants you to be married to him it will happen but do not transgress.

                  He does not need their permission as he is a man but is he willing to give up his family? Cultural parents never disown their sons, they might be angry for a bit..

                  Do you want to be married into a family that doesnt like you?

                  Also why is he ruining your life by wasting your time? If this doesnt happen you're going to hate that you let a man do this to you...
                  ďWhoever wants to purify his heart must prefer Allah over and above his own desires.Ē .

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Originally posted by Softpeacelily View Post
                    Hi ^-^ I Recently met with family of a brother who wants to marry me but his parents are ashamed of his choice because Iím a revert and not from their background I feel really low about myself and Iím about to turn 24 so I thought this would be the right time. He has been trying with his family for a year to reconsider but they are too set in their cultural ways. My heart hurts a lot, what do I do? He told them if he canít marry me he wonít get married at all but they still donít care?
                    He sounds like a whiner. He canít make decisions now. How do you think heíll be as a husband and father? Be glad heís saying no and move on.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      He is too much of a coward. He probably loved the thought of love but isn't willing to sacrifice his comfortable life to attain it.

                      If his family's objections are justified in a matter of faith i can understand. But surely marrying from among the pious is desired rather than just someone of same background. I also think a year is far too long for you to be interacting in this way. Do you really want to be married to a man who will always look to his family on such important matters?

                      Comment


                        #12
                        In laws are challenging enough so the fact they disapprove is a warning sign, it'll just be messier later on because these people have huge expectations.

                        Too many differences, not worth it.
                        'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                        So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post
                          Does he pray 5 times a day
                          does he read quran regularly
                          Does he study or want to study islam
                          does he do any volunteering or ways to help the ummah or wants to
                          does he have a muslim beard or trying to grow one
                          doesnt free mix
                          doesnt drink do drugs smoke etc
                          His Friends are practising muslims
                          does he have a halal job or is it haram eg involves interest,alcahol,drugs,policing

                          if he doesnt fit in this criteria dont marry him
                          seconded

                          Jazakallahu khair akhi
                          http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

                          "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

                          Ė Imam al-Shafiíi (Rahimahullah)

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Sadly this is a fairly common problem. The guy is caught between you and his family even though according to Islamic rules, he doesn't need his parents permission to marry someone, but on the other hand, according to Islamic rules, angering or upsetting parents is considered very sinful so he feels caught between a rock and a hard place. The bottom line here though, is that he has to make a choice, which is to either marry you and risk angering (possibly being disowned by) his family or else capitulating to what his family want. I think on some level, he's dithering and waiting around for a year because he probably hoped that with time they'd get used to the idea and come round so he could have his cake and eat it. He needs to consider the possibility that that might never happen in which case he'd have to choose. If he thinks he could convince his parents within a specific time frame such as six months then ask him how much time he needs, give him that time but tell him after that, there will be an ultimatum and he'll have to choose if they don't come round in that time. He can't let this situation continue indefinitely.

                            There's another thing that you have to take into consideration which is that even if they very reluctantly and begrudgingly let you marry him, there's the possibility that they'd always resent you as the one who took their good son away from them and will "dilute" their family bloodline and values. Right now you're so focussed on how much you want him that you might not realise what could go wrong if you actually got what you wanted and end up having to live with people who stare daggers at you and b!tch about you to their friends.... because in the back of their minds is the hope that you'll eventually feel fed up and leave him so that they could make him marry the cousin they chose from back home. Also he'd feel the need to still be the good son and placate them (cos' he still wants to have his cake and eat it) as he'd carry guilt for hurting them by being with you so they'll pressure him to side with them in arguments and you'll feel very alone if he falls for that old chestnut. I've seen that happen enough times. If he doesn't show enough backbone to stand up for you now at this stage and take responsibility for being more decisive, then take that as a warning sign of what your future would be like even if you did end up together.

                            So basically what I'm saying is you need to draw a line somewhere as to how much you're willing to wait and how much you're willing to concede to his parents demands if they have any so that if you do marry him, you both know where you stand and if he keeps dithering, then be prepared to give an ultimatum and part ways if that isn't enough to prompt him to commit and be prepared to move on.

                            Originally posted by muhajir12 View Post
                            . After that you are officially married according to the laws of Islam and can hang out and do whatever you want and should go to court and register as a married couple because it is obligatory to have a legally recognized marriage according to the laws of the country that you are in.
                            The last line is untrue. Islamically as a Muslim, you are not under any obligation to register your marriage if/when you get married. You can register it if you want but you don't have to. Some of the more religious Muslims refuse to register their marriage because the laws of the land are unIslamic so they only adhere to the religious laws according to which nikah is sufficient in order to be married. On the other hand, some prefer to register the marriage because if nikah is not recognised by the laws of the land, then it could mean you don't have certain legal rights for example if the husband died, you might not be entitled to his pension or if he had a stroke, you might not be considered his next of kin and things like that.
                            The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Originally posted by neelu View Post
                              Sadly this is a fairly common problem. The guy is caught between you and his family even though according to Islamic rules, he doesn't need his parents permission to marry someone, but on the other hand, according to Islamic rules, angering or upsetting parents is considered very sinful so he feels caught between a rock and a hard place. The bottom line here though, is that he has to make a choice, which is to either marry you and risk angering (possibly being disowned by) his family or else capitulating to what his family want. I think on some level, he's dithering and waiting around for a year because he probably hoped that with time they'd get used to the idea and come round so he could have his cake and eat it. He needs to consider the possibility that that might never happen in which case he'd have to choose. If he thinks he could convince his parents within a specific time frame such as six months then ask him how much time he needs, give him that time but tell him after that, there will be an ultimatum and he'll have to choose if they don't come round in that time. He can't let this situation continue indefinitely.

                              There's another thing that you have to take into consideration which is that even if they very reluctantly and begrudgingly let you marry him, there's the possibility that they'd always resent you as the one who took their good son away from them and will "dilute" their family bloodline and values. Right now you're so focussed on how much you want him that you might not realise what could go wrong if you actually got what you wanted and end up having to live with people who stare daggers at you and b!tch about you to their friends.... because in the back of their minds is the hope that you'll eventually feel fed up and leave him so that they could make him marry the cousin they chose from back home. Also he'd feel the need to still be the good son and placate them (cos' he still wants to have his cake and eat it) as he'd carry guilt for hurting them by being with you so they'll pressure him to side with them in arguments and you'll feel very alone if he falls for that old chestnut. I've seen that happen enough times. If he doesn't show enough backbone to stand up for you now at this stage and take responsibility for being more decisive, then take that as a warning sign of what your future would be like even if you did end up together.

                              So basically what I'm saying is you need to draw a line somewhere as to how much you're willing to wait and how much you're willing to concede to his parents demands if they have any so that if you do marry him, you both know where you stand and if he keeps dithering, then be prepared to give an ultimatum and part ways if that isn't enough to prompt him to commit and be prepared to move on.



                              The last line is untrue. Islamically as a Muslim, you are not under any obligation to register your marriage if/when you get married. You can register it if you want but you don't have to. Some of the more religious Muslims refuse to register their marriage because the laws of the land are unIslamic so they only adhere to the religious laws according to which nikah is sufficient in order to be married. On the other hand, some prefer to register the marriage because if nikah is not recognised by the laws of the land, then it could mean you don't have certain legal rights for example if the husband died, you might not be entitled to his pension or if he had a stroke, you might not be considered his next of kin and things like that.
                              His inheritance shouls be split the islamic way

                              Comment

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