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I am a revert, Can I choose my wali when I'm ready to get married?

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    I am a revert, Can I choose my wali when I'm ready to get married?

    Assalamu Alaykum. When I learned that the Wali has to be a muslim man at first I was overjoyed that it wouldn't be my father, who has not shown interest in my life beyond an occasional question or heated debate, but now I'm nervous, I want a Wali that I know (or at least I know his wife, daughter, any female kinsfolk, etc.) and has the time to get to know the type of man I need and will put effort into finding me a good match. Luckily I am no where near ready to marry, I haven't even decided what Sunni Madhhab I'm going to be yet, or how to juggle my western identity and my newfound Islamic faith, I just want to know if there is any rule against me finding (and maybe even hiring for money) a wali when I am ready to take the big leap.

    #2
    Originally posted by ELM View Post
    Assalamu Alaykum. When I learned that the Wali has to be a muslim man at first I was overjoyed that it wouldn't be my father, who has not shown interest in my life beyond an occasional question or heated debate, but now I'm nervous, I want a Wali that I know (or at least I know his wife, daughter, any female kinsfolk, etc.) and has the time to get to know the type of man I need and will put effort into finding me a good match. Luckily I am no where near ready to marry, I haven't even decided what Sunni Madhhab I'm going to be yet, or how to juggle my western identity and my newfound Islamic faith, I just want to know if there is any rule against me finding (and maybe even hiring for money) a wali when I am ready to take the big leap.
    Wa-alaikum Salaam

    Give it zero thought for now.

    Comment


      #3
      Originally posted by ELM View Post
      Assalamu Alaykum. When I learned that the Wali has to be a muslim man at first I was overjoyed that it wouldn't be my father, who has not shown interest in my life beyond an occasional question or heated debate, but now I'm nervous, I want a Wali that I know (or at least I know his wife, daughter, any female kinsfolk, etc.) and has the time to get to know the type of man I need and will put effort into finding me a good match. Luckily I am no where near ready to marry, I haven't even decided what Sunni Madhhab I'm going to be yet, or how to juggle my western identity and my newfound Islamic faith, I just want to know if there is any rule against me finding (and maybe even hiring for money) a wali when I am ready to take the big leap.
      Of course you can begin looking for a wali. Itís someone from the community, such as an imam, or, as you suggested, a male relative of a trusted female. There is no need to involve money, which would seem a conflict of interest. As far as juggling Westerb culture and Islamic identity, itís not too complicated. Basically, if something in your culture contradicts Islam, then you avoid it, but you donít have to lose everything about yourself.

      Comment


        #4
        Originally posted by ELM View Post
        Assalamu Alaykum. When I learned that the Wali has to be a muslim man at first I was overjoyed that it wouldn't be my father, who has not shown interest in my life beyond an occasional question or heated debate, but now I'm nervous, I want a Wali that I know (or at least I know his wife, daughter, any female kinsfolk, etc.) and has the time to get to know the type of man I need and will put effort into finding me a good match. Luckily I am no where near ready to marry, I haven't even decided what Sunni Madhhab I'm going to be yet, or how to juggle my western identity and my newfound Islamic faith, I just want to know if there is any rule against me finding (and maybe even hiring for money) a wali when I am ready to take the big leap.
        Congratulations for converting to Islam! Rejoice in the mercy and guidance He has given you which He does not give to many people. :)

        Comment


          #5
          Originally posted by Sister_2009 View Post

          Of course you can begin looking for a wali. Itís someone from the community, such as an imam, or, as you suggested, a male relative of a trusted female. There is no need to involve money, which would seem a conflict of interest. As far as juggling Westerb culture and Islamic identity, itís not too complicated. Basically, if something in your culture contradicts Islam, then you avoid it, but you donít have to lose everything about yourself.
          Really?? She said she is no where near ready for marriage, what would be the point of looking for a wali? She is newly reverted, it would make perfect sense to not think of marriage and just focus on gaining knowledge. Over time she'll make friends and gain contacts and be more settled and then she can look for a wali

          Comment


            #6
            Originally posted by zi-zizou View Post

            Really?? She said she is no where near ready for marriage, what would be the point of looking for a wali? She is newly reverted, it would make perfect sense to not think of marriage and just focus on gaining knowledge. Over time she'll make friends and gain contacts and be more settled and then she can look for a wali
            It's cool I know what she meant. I just wanted to know If I could eventually pick my own so I could grow my knowledge of Sharia. I thought it was something that only a mosque elder or Imam could do. I've heard of horror stories about new converts marrying way to soon and about careless walis not taking their time so they end up doing a bad job. So I just wanted to make sure I'd have that choice when the time comes In Shaa Allah.

            Comment


              #7
              Originally posted by zi-zizou View Post

              Really?? She said she is no where near ready for marriage, what would be the point of looking for a wali? She is newly reverted, it would make perfect sense to not think of marriage and just focus on gaining knowledge. Over time she'll make friends and gain contacts and be more settled and then she can look for a wali
              Yes, really. It makes no difference if sheís looking to get married today or in one year. Itís not too early to make trusted contacts and have someone to look out for your best interests.

              Comment


                #8
                Originally posted by ELM View Post

                It's cool I know what she meant. I just wanted to know If I could eventually pick my own so I could grow my knowledge of Sharia. I thought it was something that only a mosque elder or Imam could do. I've heard of horror stories about new converts marrying way to soon and about careless walis not taking their time so they end up doing a bad job. So I just wanted to make sure I'd have that choice when the time comes In Shaa Allah.
                You'll have all the choice you want and you must be control of the timings. It's not something that you rush into. There are far too many thirsty individuals out there.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Originally posted by Sister_2009 View Post

                  Yes, really. It makes no difference if sheís looking to get married today or in one year. Itís not too early to make trusted contacts and have someone to look out for your best interests.

                  No bro just no. If your foundations are weak you'll not know what is trusted and what is not.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Originally posted by ELM View Post
                    Assalamu Alaykum. When I learned that the Wali has to be a muslim man at first I was overjoyed that it wouldn't be my father, who has not shown interest in my life beyond an occasional question or heated debate, but now I'm nervous, I want a Wali that I know (or at least I know his wife, daughter, any female kinsfolk, etc.) and has the time to get to know the type of man I need and will put effort into finding me a good match. Luckily I am no where near ready to marry, I haven't even decided what Sunni Madhhab I'm going to be yet, or how to juggle my western identity and my newfound Islamic faith, I just want to know if there is any rule against me finding (and maybe even hiring for money) a wali when I am ready to take the big leap.
                    When you are ready, there are no rules against it. You just need to do your own homework, preferably as the brothers advised, settle into Islam and learn. Then you can make better muslim female friends and contacts and choose a wali.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Originally posted by zi-zizou View Post


                      No bro just no. If your foundations are weak you'll not know what is trusted and what is not.
                      I think It's kind of the same in the secular world too. "Hey sis marry my cousin from Pakistan" (sorry for security purposes I'll have to decline) "Hey sis we don't need a wali we won't do anything bad." (Been there done that brother, no thanks, walks away) "Hey sis join this salafi school" (runs away after saying: h*** no!) , etc. As long as I do my research I'll be just fine lol.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Originally posted by zi-zizou View Post


                        No bro just no. If your foundations are weak you'll not know what is trusted and what is not.
                        Not sure why youíre telling me all of this. Iíve been a revert for, oh, 16 years now. Iím not here talking about something I donít actually have experience with.

                        Second, nowhere did she say that her foundations are weak. A wali isnít just for the role of finding someone to marry. When a born Muslim has a daughter, she has a wali from day one. They serve the purpose of a trusted male in your life, which many reverts lose when they convert to Islam. Beyond that, even when a female revert isnít actively looking for marriage, oftentimes men approach anyway. It helps to have a trusted male contact in such situations.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Originally posted by Sister_2009 View Post

                          Not sure why youíre telling me all of this. Iíve been a revert for, oh, 16 years now. Iím not here talking about something I donít actually have experience with.

                          Second, nowhere did she say that her foundations are weak. A wali isnít just for the role of finding someone to marry. When a born Muslim has a daughter, she has a wali from day one. They serve the purpose of a trusted male in your life, which many reverts lose when they convert to Islam. Beyond that, even when a female revert isnít actively looking for marriage, oftentimes men approach anyway. It helps to have a trusted male contact in such situations.
                          Firstly lol. I'm going to take a wild guess and say not all reverts are the same. The steps you have taken are not necessarily the steps others will or should take.

                          Secondly, she is newly reverted...given her OP I'd say she is weak (for now).

                          Thirdly, her wali will only be for the case of finding her a partner in all likelihood. The father/daughter example does not apply obviously.

                          Fourthly, If someone approaches her for marriage she has already said she is not ready so having a wali will not be so necessary. She says no and moves on. She is clearly finding her feet and when she has she can look to identify a wali after a period of time where hopefully she would have gained some sisters and that would have opened some doors. Trying to find one from the get go might give the impression to others that she is available and she could be pressured from the "trusted" male.

                          Fifthly, I'm not a revert and I don't think it makes a jot of difference in responding to the OP.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Originally posted by ELM View Post

                            I think It's kind of the same in the secular world too. "Hey sis marry my cousin from Pakistan" (sorry for security purposes I'll have to decline) "Hey sis we don't need a wali we won't do anything bad." (Been there done that brother, no thanks, walks away) "Hey sis join this salafi school" (runs away after saying: h*** no!) , etc. As long as I do my research I'll be just fine lol.
                            Whats wrong with salafi

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post

                              Whats wrong with salafi
                              Black just isn't my colour brother lol and the Niqab is a choice (a choice I want to make someday Insha Allah). And the even bigger reason why I'd run is that I was raised by a theologian and even though he was Christian he taught me that it is dangerous not to have a historical/situational/cultural context to any religious text (If you go to an Islamic school, or listen to a Muslim Scholar they will say the same thing unless they are Salafi).

                              I've seen fundamentalist Christians do the most nastiest down right "Un-christian" things because they do not understand the historical/situational context of Deuteronomy or Paul's letters (like beating their wives and children to a pulp for no reason and using the Bible as an excuse). It's true with Muslims too. I'm not saying Salafis are bad or un-Muslim, but it is a slippery slope affect when you read the Quran/Hadiths and have no knowledge of it's context, and then you have scholars who are preaching at you their political agenda "straight out of the Hadiths".

                              Comment

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