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  • is my marriage over...

    As salamalikum




    I had my nikkah six months ago but my ruksati one month ago. During this interim period, my husband and I have broken our relationship but also tried to make it work until now and I need advice on what to do as I fear divorce.




    Straight after the ruksati we went on honeymoon then I stayed at my parents for a few days before coming back to his house. The first few days st his I was teary due to missing my home family etc and he was understanding. On day three my husband went out with friends even though I asked him not to due to my state and wanting to spend time with him (we both work full time and we are never alone at home unless itís bedtime). I told him he needed to ask me if I was ok with it and all he said was Iím telling you now and said I should go out with his sisters or get my car and go out. But I was time with him. He said heíd be back by 9 but didnít come home until about 3am. Iím in the habit of locking the bedroom door so I did and fell asleep meaning he couldnít get in. The next morning (about 8am) heís car wasnít there either and he normally leaves at 8.30am ( I feared he didnít come home) and thereís no calls or texts.




    Given our issues in the past I was worried and upset so packed my suitcase and left for my parents. Which I know was wrong my part.




    We didnít talk for days. Our parents got involved to sort this out but said itís up to us to make the marriage work. Knowing how stubborn he is and the fact that it was hurting me (felt like my husband didnít care) I called him after 6 days and all he did was blame everything on me stating he didnít need to tell me his whereabouts or timing or if he is late.




    He wants me to apologise to his parents for leaving the house which Iím fine with if it saves the marriage but there is no remorse on his part. He thinks I need to change my behaviour but thereís nothing for him to work on. But he said I wonít change so I should tell my dad itís over.




    Does that fully mean my marriage is over or do I keep trying?




  • #2
    U both made issues out of nothing

    keep trying he hasnt given u talaq so dont worry

    Comment


    • #3

      Your marriage isn't over until he says 'talaaq' or you want to go for a khula'. And since you both don't want that - then you shouldn't even consider divorce.

      As the brother above said - it's petty and unfortunate that your married life is starting off with negativity.

      He went out with his friends (after spending the honeymoon period with you), he was understanding when you were feeling down, but really sister - you can't expect your husband to be at your beck and call.

      As long as he's not engaging in any haraam - then there's no need for you to be restrictive of his whereabouts. And actually he doesn't need to ask you for your permission regarding anything.

      To lock your door (even if it is unintentionally) - imagine the humiliation (especially if you live with your in-laws).

      I suggest you read about the rights of husband.

      Comment


      • #4
        It is a sign of very weak iman and faith that he ignores your request of him to stay home with you (especially since you are newly married), and the fact that he tells you to take the car and go out is also a major issue. Who in the world tells his wife to take the car and go out... Allaho akbar. Has he no jealousy? This must mean that while he s outside he is looking at other females, and doing other shameful things.

        Now in-terms of what is the correct course of action to take, i have no clue, but i am confident that your husband has some serious issues with his faith.

        May allah make it easy for all the muslims.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Indefinable View Post
          Your marriage isn't over until he says 'talaaq' or you want to go for a khula'. And since you both don't want that - then you shouldn't even consider divorce.

          As the brother above said - it's petty and unfortunate that your married life is starting off with negativity.

          He went out with his friends (after spending the honeymoon period with you), he was understanding when you were feeling down, but really sister - you can't expect your husband to be at your beck and call.

          As long as he's not engaging in any haraam - then there's no need for you to be restrictive of his whereabouts. And actually he doesn't need to ask you for your permission regarding anything.

          To lock your door (even if it is unintentionally) - imagine the humiliation (especially if you live with your in-laws).

          I suggest you read about the rights of husband.
          He should have told his wife he's gonna be late and why instead of going awol till 3am in the morning.

          ​​​​​Who keeps the door unlocked at 3am?

          Her husband needs to get his act together too, he's a married man and should behave as such.

          جزاك الله خيرا
          http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

          "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

          Ė Imam al-Shafiíi (Rahimahullah)

          Comment


          • #6
            He keeps telling me to go, that itís over.

            i have tried to speak and learn and accept that both need to adapt, forgive and change-but he thinks itís only me that needs to?

            dear brothers- is it just your wives who are wrong?

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Saif-Uddin View Post

              He should have told his wife he's gonna be late and why instead of going awol till 3am in the morning.

              ​​​​​Who keeps the door unlocked at 3am?

              Her husband needs to get his act together too, he's a married man and should behave as such.

              جزاك الله خيرا
              I agree.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by muslimah_deen View Post
                He keeps telling me to go, that itís over.

                i have tried to speak and learn and accept that both need to adapt, forgive and change-but he thinks itís only me that needs to?

                dear brothers- is it just your wives who are wrong?
                Why does he keeping telling you to go? From what I've read you have spent less than a month together.

                What does he want to change about you? And what would you want to change about him?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Indefinable View Post

                  Why does he keeping telling you to go? From what I've read you have spent less than a month together.

                  What does he want to change about you? And what would you want to change about him?
                  We have spent a month together but nikkah since last year. He wants me to change my attitude and behaviour adhere to whatever he does and says. I want him to understand that his actions made me take mine but in the long rule to understand me, my feelings and the rest of it.

                  i told him I have a right to kindness and his response was but I havenít shouted or hit you.he is a stubborn and proud man.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    These stories emphasise the importance of marrying for Deen and Akhlaq/Character, instead of for other reasons
                    http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

                    "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

                    Ė Imam al-Shafiíi (Rahimahullah)

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by muslimah_deen View Post
                      He keeps telling me to go, that itís over.

                      i have tried to speak and learn and accept that both need to adapt, forgive and change-but he thinks itís only me that needs to?

                      dear brothers- is it just your wives who are wrong?
                      You were both at fault,

                      He for not telling you good reason why he's going to be late, and you for overreacting and leaving house.
                      ​​​​​
                      Looks like you need to get third party involved,

                      ​​​​​​Your Wali and his Wali and both sit down and you 2 discuss and resolve your issues.

                      So far what you've stated arnt issues that cannot be resolved.

                      جزاك الله خيرا
                      http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

                      "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

                      Ė Imam al-Shafiíi (Rahimahullah)

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Saif-Uddin View Post

                        You were both at fault,

                        He for not telling you good reason why he's going to be late, and you for overreacting and leaving house.
                        ​​​​​
                        Looks like you need to get third party involved,

                        ​​​​​​Your Wali and his Wali and both sit down and you 2 discuss and resolve your issues.

                        So far what you've stated arnt issues that cannot be resolved.

                        جزاك الله خيرا
                        Our walis and involved but have said to us if we canít see eye to eye or communicate or even want to communicate then thereís nothing left to save. My husband wants to sit down and explain to everyone why Iím in the wrong but my family is passive, they wonít say anything to him but will try and be fair. My husband wants to prove Iím in the wrong and should be under his thumb but my fear and knowing him some nikkah I know things will get worse if I accept all the blame. He keeps telling me my pride is more important and that I should sit at my fathers
                        house with it- brothers and sis where have I displayed pride?

                        His dad is a fair man but his mum isnít- she has lied multiple times before and I fear she is controlling him now to say the meaner he acts the more he can control me or something like that- sheís a typical Bengali mum. I am also Bengali.


                        I donít know if he is trying to teach me a lesson or wants to lose me but my mental state isnít in a good place as a result. I tried speaking to him and texting and offered to see him to talk but he wants me to go to his house and talk in front of everyone. Even now he canít see or understand why I was uncomfortable in his house alone for that long he thinks itís my home and I should treat it as such. What woman treats a house sheís been in for 3 days as a home?

                        Please offer get me some more advice on what to do with a stubborn man.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Im so confused how has such a little issue escalated to familoes being involved

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            You both need to look at the rights of the spouse in islam

                            u should look at husbands rights and him wifes

                            if hes being stubborn just listen to him sort the situation out be patient and when things die down explain your side of the story in a nice manner

                            and in the long run if you both want things going well follow islam not just ibadah but the manners side to it how to treat each other

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post
                              You both need to look at the rights of the spouse in islam

                              u should look at husbands rights and him wifes

                              if hes being stubborn just listen to him sort the situation out be patient and when things die down explain your side of the story in a nice manner

                              and in the long run if you both want things going well follow islam not just ibadah but the manners side to it how to treat each other
                              I did- I explained his rights and mine and all he did was laugh. A part of me wants to stop and let him sulk in the hope he realises but the rest of me knows this has gone on too long and thatís why the parents are relaxed in the hope we sort it out.

                              I have listened and and heard and agreed but when he says he can do whatever he wants and refuses to understand me then how do I know he wonít do it again?

                              Comment

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