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Muslim Men In Abusive Marriages.

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  • Indefinable
    replied
    Originally posted by oshirowanen View Post

    I agree, in my example above, my ex was/is a master at manipulating.



    You're right, most men do not seek help. And that is for good reason too as I found out first hand. When I was being interrogated, they said, why didn't you seek help? I laughed and said "yeah right, what would you have done if i walked into the police station and said, my wife is accusing me of xyz?" they paused and then said, "you're right, we would never have believed you and would have arrested you on the spot, that's just how it is in the UK".

    I also came to this forum some years back asking for help. To my shock and horror, some mods said "no way would your wife accuse of that for no reason, you probably did that crime and are now trying to cover it up". So even if a man tries to get help, in my experience, help is not given, instead, asking for help makes it worse.

    Also went to the local imam, told him the situation, even he didn't believe me. Also friends, family, relatives, all turned their back.

    In the end I realised, there is no help for abused falsely accused men in the UK. Luckily, I was able to logically think my way out of this situation, fought back, set the record straight, cleared my name with the judge at the high court, ditched the friends, family, relatives, local imam, lost respect for certain mods here. I mean, why keep contact with people who will not be there for you when you need them?
    Your immediate family must have believed you and supported you, right?

    Trials certainly show other people's true colours. When things are good, everyone is around and wants to be your friend, but when things get slightly difficult then ... most people tend to be ostracized.

    Your real friends/family are those who stick by you through your worst. Unfortunately there's not many people around like that.





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  • Indefinable
    replied
    Originally posted by Rumaysah~ View Post
    Why is it hard to understand or imagine? It has nothing to do with physical strength. The person is mentally and emotionally drained and most likely sees everything as their fault as abusers are often manipulators. It's psychological before it's physical.
    Maybe not for you. But it is hard for me to imagine for a man to be in such a position.

    Leave a comment:


  • oshirowanen
    replied
    Originally posted by Rumaysah~ View Post
    Why is it hard to understand or imagine? It has nothing to do with physical strength. The person is mentally and emotionally drained and most likely sees everything as their fault as abusers are often manipulators. It's psychological before it's physical.
    I agree, in my example above, my ex was/is a master at manipulating.

    Originally posted by Indefinable View Post
    So how can we help someone in this situation? Or will a man ever seek help, if they are ever in that situation? Are there any organisations that deal with this? Will the community laugh at such men? Anyone know of anyone who has been through this?
    You're right, most men do not seek help. And that is for good reason too as I found out first hand. When I was being interrogated, they said, why didn't you seek help? I laughed and said "yeah right, what would you have done if i walked into the police station and said, my wife is accusing me of xyz?" they paused and then said, "you're right, we would never have believed you and would have arrested you on the spot, that's just how it is in the UK".

    I also came to this forum some years back asking for help. To my shock and horror, some mods said "no way would your wife accuse of that for no reason, you probably did that crime and are now trying to cover it up". So even if a man tries to get help, in my experience, help is not given, instead, asking for help makes it worse.

    Also went to the local imam, told him the situation, even he didn't believe me. Also friends, family, relatives, all turned their back.

    In the end I realised, there is no help for abused falsely accused men in the UK. Luckily, I was able to logically think my way out of this situation, fought back, set the record straight, cleared my name with the judge at the high court, ditched the friends, family, relatives, local imam, lost respect for certain mods here. I mean, why keep contact with people who will not be there for you when you need them?
    Last edited by oshirowanen; 18-06-18, 10:43 AM.

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  • Rumaysah~
    replied
    Why is it hard to understand or imagine? It has nothing to do with physical strength. The person is mentally and emotionally drained and most likely sees everything as their fault as abusers are often manipulators. It's psychological before it's physical.

    Leave a comment:


  • oshirowanen
    replied
    Originally posted by Indefinable View Post
    Assalaamu alaykum wa rahmatullaah.

    I read something in the news a couple of weeks ago about a (non Muslim) man who was physically and emotionally abused by his (female) partner for a number of years. (Really horrifying and traumatic abuse was endured).

    Most of us come from patriarchal societies whereby men lead and women follow, so something like this seems somewhat like an alien concept.

    Nevertheless, it probably does happen. So how can we help someone in this situation? Or will a man ever seek help, if they are ever in that situation? Are there any organisations that deal with this? Will the community laugh at such men? Anyone know of anyone who has been through this?
    I've been through that. Was physically, emotionally, and psychologically abused. She would try to provoke me to hit her. My fear was if I do, she would probably die, I was more or less twice her height, twice her weight... I'm guessing she wanted to get me imprisoned for some reason. Unfortunately, that provoking tactic never worked (but it "almost" did one or twice). When she figured out her provoking tactics are not working, she started plotting a new plan. When her new plan was executed, my life got turned upside down, inside out. She accused me of an extreme crime. A crime which is so extreme that I can't think of anything which is worse than such a crime. I was interrogated like an animal for 6 months by the police. After the traumatic interrogation ended, the police concluded, the accusations were false. I took her to court for preventing me from seeing my little kid. I won the case.

    Divorced her in the end.

    Leave a comment:


  • HelloEverybody
    replied
    Originally posted by Faith reloaded View Post

    some ladies these days are androgynous and hitting the gym and taking anabolic steroids

    they can do some damage and put up a good fight against a male who doesnt do the same
    well... they will be unlikely able to give birth, if that is the case. I consider it as blessing.

    Leave a comment:


  • Indefinable
    replied
    Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
    What about people that tell Muslim women to suffer in silence and to have patience because it could mean they enter heaven.

    I used to think that, yes, if we just suffer then perhaps we will get rewarded. That's deluded.

    It doesn't sound right but this is what some communities tell women, to have sabr and leave the husband doing as he wishes.

    When a woman challenges her husband for being an idiot it means she is a brainwashed maniac (no, I am not referring to Abu Kamel's post but it got me thinking).

    The question is, should Muslim women suffer in silence to avoid getting a divorce, in the hopes of getting rewarded in the here after?

    Or

    Should we start helping Muslim women to understand that they should not tolerate an iiresponsible husband who continues with his impermissible acts?



    I think it's upto the woman and each case should be judged individually. Nothing is clear as black and white. And for women - if they do end up with a good-for-nothing husband, then they should have the courage and responsibility to decide what is good for their dunya and akhira.

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  • Abu julaybeeb
    replied
    Originally posted by Indefinable View Post

    Do the ladies work outside the house? What's the expectation for the wife? Genuinely curious. What does the woman do?
    She takes of care of children and husband
    most dont work outside

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  • Indefinable
    replied
    Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post

    They expect maids
    Do the ladies work outside the house? What's the expectation for the wife? Genuinely curious. What does the woman do?

    Leave a comment:


  • Abu julaybeeb
    replied
    Originally posted by Indefinable View Post

    If this is the situation in the Middle East - then no wonder the situation in the West is exponentially worse.

    If the women despise housework - do they expect the husbands to provide them with maids? What do they do all day? And I'm even more shocked that a woman could just leave her children to live the "single" lifestyle. What on earth. What kind of life would that be where you can't feed/see/play with your own kids?

    Priorities - We've got our priorities all messed up. Chasing this world and all its illusions for temporary pleasure. And that Saudi man who died will be resurrected in that state. A'uthu billah.
    They expect maids

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  • Indefinable
    replied
    Originally posted by Dontknowname View Post
    to make the mood worse, the ummah deserves its suffering
    :-/

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  • Indefinable
    replied
    Originally posted by Abu Kamel View Post
    The effects of Liberalism are definitely destroying the bonds of marriage and family in Arabia. Increasing numbers of divorces, adultery, and many young women hare & despise housework and even carrying for their own children. I know several young Arab men who are the sole caregivers after their wives said ‘ theyre Your kids, take them’ and she goes off and lives the single “free” lifestyle.
    I just read a news story of a Saudi who visited Dubai to meet/date an Em. Lady. They made zina and minutes after finishing, he had a fatal heart attack.

    And yes, a husband who has children with a woman, has a marriage respected by both families, is functioning normally, would not respond to his wife turning violent sometimes by sending her back to her parents after 5,10,15 years of marriage. It would seem like his failure to solve the problem. That’s why a punch in the face by his wife doesn’t cause a bruise, doesn’t break bones, nothing. It just causes him emotional pain knowing his wife can’t control herself, so he would even treat it as more than her being nushooz, rebelliousness. Pots and pans, knives, are more serious.
    But what’s a slap, a punch, a spontaneous outburst by a woman on a man?
    If this is the situation in the Middle East - then no wonder the situation in the West is exponentially worse.

    If the women despise housework - do they expect the husbands to provide them with maids? What do they do all day? And I'm even more shocked that a woman could just leave her children to live the "single" lifestyle. What on earth. What kind of life would that be where you can't feed/see/play with your own kids?

    Priorities - We've got our priorities all messed up. Chasing this world and all its illusions for temporary pleasure. And that Saudi man who died will be resurrected in that state. A'uthu billah.

    Leave a comment:


  • Indefinable
    replied
    Originally posted by Fakhri View Post
    I recall listening to a radio show a long time ago now, back when I used to listen to the radio - yes, mentioning that as I don't want to endorse listening to the radio! (Mostly pointless/insidiously harmful chatter) ...
    ​​​​​
    ... It was a phone-in with the topic of discussion being domestic abuse perpetrated on men by women.

    One particular case I remember was a man who was a martial arts instructor by profession, physically very big, capable, etc, who had endured years of violence from his partner / wife.

    Obviously, this man could have very easily overpowered a woman, but she would become violent and attack him with pans, pots and other such things.

    The man was quite calm in explaining all of this I seem to remember, and it seemed as though this was someone allowing himself to go through all of this as a loving parent might with a violent child with severe behavioural issues.

    Maybe he went into that marriage thinking he would be able to change, manage his partner's issues. We have all sorts of people carrying all sorts of baggage, this disorder, that disorder...

    The only defence I can think of excluding those already mentioned above, if it can rightly be called a defence, is that when a person might grow to love someone as their wife and also the mother of their children, and they obviously know of the person's good qualities, you can see why they might put up with that type of thing for some time. I've never been in the situation so I wouldn't know what it's like... On the outside it really seems unthinkable that I would let a woman physically abuse me at all, personally.

    But thinking a bit deeper, if I was to marry someone and then some years down the line, something sets off some sort of issues, a change in behaviour maybe from emotional trauma, etc...

    The case above is of course in relation to kuffaar, though I can still see it possibly happening with Muslims. Still, I agree, it's difficult to see something like this happening with practicing Muslim husbands and wives.


    (Allah Ta'aalaa keep us from such things.)

    ​​​​​​
    I think you're right. That is what it primarily boils down to - when you love someone, you tend to overlook their flaws. Or if you have children, then the idea of destroying their lives by splitting up seems like a selfish step to take.

    For a woman in a domestic violence situation - she'll get some support and empathy. But I can't imagine any Muslim man admitting that his wife hits him.

    I don't know - I think even "practicing" couples have their ups and downs. Maybe not to this extent, but nothing is surprising any more.


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  • Dontknowname
    replied
    to make the mood worse, the ummah deserves its suffering

    Leave a comment:


  • Abu Kamel
    replied
    The effects of Liberalism are definitely destroying the bonds of marriage and family in Arabia. Increasing numbers of divorces, adultery, and many young women hate & despise housework and even caring for their own children. I know several young Arab men who are the sole caregivers after their wives said ' they're Your kids, take them’' and she goes off and lives the single “free” lifestyle.
    Incidently, regarding the "free life in Arabia", I just read a news story of a Saudi who visited Dubai to meet/date an Em. Arab Lady. They made zina and minutes after finishing, he had a fatal heart attack.

    And yes, a husband who has children with a woman, has a marriage respected by both families, is functioning normally, would not respond to his wife turning violent sometimes by sending her back to her parents after 5,10,15 years of marriage. It would seem like his failure to solve the problem.
    So how bad is a punch in the face by his wife when it doesn't ’t cause a bruise, doesn’t break bones, nothing? It just causes him emotional pain knowing his wife can’t control herself, so he would even treat it as more like her being nushooz, rebelliousness. Pots and pans, knives, are more serious.
    But what’s a slap, a punch, a spontaneous outburst by a woman on a man?
    Last edited by Abu Kamel; 11-05-18, 02:44 AM.

    Leave a comment:

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