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    Life after divorce

    Assalamualikum,

    Do you know anyone who got divorced and why, how and what happened after?

    Share what you have seen or share your own struggles and how you became content or accepting of your situation.

    There's not much I could find about how Muslims are coping with divorcees, what's the most common reason for it and what is being done to tackle it.

    ​​​​​​Are there any organisations that help Muslim women?

    Jazak Allah hu khair

    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

    #2
    There are two people that I can think of off the top of my head.

    With the first woman I think that she and her husband didn't get along or be was very bad to her or something like that and they got a divorce. Thankfully she had a huge family who took care of her afterwards. And after a couple years she was able to remarry to someone who is way better for her and they just had their first child. With her I think it was just the wrong person.

    the second woman I know was a bit messier I think. She was a revert and had 5 kids. Since our family were very similar (Arab dad and western mom) we used to hang out together and play with their kids. Anyways we moved and a year later or so we found out they got a divorce and 4 of the kids moved with their dad "back home" and the other daughter got married to someone who was quite a bit older then her. When we saw the mom again she did not look very good. A little depressed actually, I feel like my family reminded her of hers because we never saw her again after that. I think with them it was just that they were very different people from different places and I think it all became to much after a while.

    Comment


      #3
      It's not easy to deal with. It depends on what sort of support network you have. And then you have to look at your "future" options. Will you re-marry? Will you remain single? And the impact those decisions have on your spiritual and physical and mental well being.

      Emotionally you need time to get over the marriage/relationship. It's not easy being strangers with someone whom you once shared everything with.

      Other than that - just have total reliance on your Creator. Because ultimately our return is to Him, and everything else is just pleasures of the Dunya/Nafs.

      Comment


        #4
        Bump
        'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

        So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

        Comment


          #5
          Asalaam alaikum

          Abuse in the marriage and not fulfiling spouse's rights. It's not an easy decision to make although some say divorce in haste then regret it afterwards.

          For a woman it can be daunting left alone especially with kids.

          You have to trust Allah.

          Comment


            #6
            Some of the things i hear women having to endure in my culture is horrific. Husbands cheating on them with full knowlwdge of family. Physical and mental abuse.

            A particularly bad case was with our house cleaner in pakistan. Poor woman, husband was actually going to sell her children, literally sell them before i intervened. Life after divorce is unbearable in some cultures. Afterall how many brothers consider marrying a divorcee or someone with kids?

            Comment


              #7
              Originally posted by Sultan786 View Post
              Some of the things i hear women having to endure in my culture is horrific. Husbands cheating on them with full knowlwdge of family. Physical and mental abuse.

              A particularly bad case was with our house cleaner in pakistan. Poor woman, husband was actually going to sell her children, literally sell them before i intervened. Life after divorce is unbearable in some cultures. Afterall how many brothers consider marrying a divorcee or someone with kids?
              Jazak Allah hu khair for your honest input

              It's a shame that no one really talks about these problems to try to help women or solve these things happening in marriages

              Day by day I am learning how rampant adultery is amongst Muslims, it is really disturbing and it's shocking.
              For a woman this is a very difficult position to be in as it's not always black and white as some might think.
              there are consequences for whatever options she takes and both require strength from her part

              It's funny because she gets a double slap in the face, she has to endure it even though it was her husband's sin.
              he can easily go back home and get married to another sister.
              Sad.

              Like you say, remarriage isn't an easy step either.
              Most of these women would have lost trust in men

              It's a very traumatic experience and I wish there was some help from our mosques and Muslim communities.

              I have also noticed the response for both genders are different. A man should leave his wife that is a 'whore' for committing adultery but a woman must forgive and forget.

              It's very disheartening.

              The mental and and physical abuse in marriage from either gender is so toxic, very unhealthy, to respect a person like that is impossible.

              What has happened to us Muslims, it scares me because people normalise it.
              Last edited by Ya'sin; 16-05-18, 09:03 PM.
              'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

              So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

              Comment


                #8
                If anyone knows of any organisations that help single women or single mum's please share them.

                Unfortunately, women are always the vulnerable ones and an easy target.
                'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                Comment


                  #9
                  Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post


                  Day by day I am learning how rampant adultery is amongst Muslims, .
                  Very shocking, muslim wife, non muslim gf
                  “Whoever wants to purify his heart must prefer Allah over and above his own desires.” .

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Walaykum salam,

                    I know several divorcees (including my siblings), especially people of my generation, whereas in my parents' generation, divorce was something quite rare and unusual, so we grew up assuming we'd follow in those footsteps and wouldn't have divorces in our family. Out of our circle of friends and relatives, each of them had different reasons for getting divorced and each bullet point represents a different person's story:

                    - Our distant relative in West London: She got married when she was around 30ish to a guy who was very charming and said all the right things, but after marriage turned out to be two faced and quite abusive. They were both educated professionals with good jobs, but whilst his sister and mother were nice people, his dad was very controlling and he inherited that trait. She left him within 3 months of their wedding and never looked back. Before the divorce when they were separated, he used to phone her to plead with her to return to him and at the same time he was attending those "Muslim marriage introduction" events and telling women there that his marriage was over. It was her first (and only) marriage but his second marriage. Alhamdullilah she's a resilient person and due to her education, she was able to establish herself in a good job and live independently, but I think the emotional scars have been difficult in terms of learning to trust people and she often has her guard up cos' of her bad experiences. Years later, he married another woman and had a couple of kids but was very abusive to his new wife. He'd say things to his kids like "your mum is useless but don't worry, I'll get you a new mummy and she'll be better". His kids were very small at the time, probably less than 9 years old. So that wife left him and last we heard, she was living in a women's refuge with her kids.

                    - Our local family friend: She was born and raised in Pakistan but her husband grew up here so we met her when he brought her to this country. He was raised in an abusive family and after marriage he became an abusive husband who'd hit his wife even when she was pregnant and used to hit his daughter who was still in primary school at the time and he'd say horrible disparaging things about them and tell his friends that his wife is no good in bed. She's a decent, religious and well educated woman whereas he was an arrogant pir worshipper (I mean in the literal sense, he said all sorts of weird shirk), so I often advised her to leave him because his beliefs would've invalidated their nikah anyway but she was too scared of him at first. Eventually the police put him in jail for some months so having some time away from his control and mind games gave her the courage to end the marriage. He did tell a fellow prisoner that he'd kill her and social services tried to force her to leave town, but her and the kids were dumped in a dirty women's refuge- also bear in mind that the youngest child was a baby with severe health problems so this environment was unsuitable on that basis alone (he died less than a year later). It was supposed to be a secret location to keep her away from her estranged husband but all the kids at the daughter's school knew where they were going anyway. Eventually her kids couldn't cope with that place and they decided to come back here, at which point social services and the police were furious, withdrew support and threatened to take the kids away from her. My dad helped her contact some sort of Asian human rights or domestic violence type organisation and played the race card, saying the police didn't take into account her cultural background, that she's established within a supportive community which is especially important when there's a sick child involved and the police backed off after that and alhamdullilah the ex husband didn't try to kill them after all. Her family (ie siblings, aunts, uncles etc) are in Pakistan but a lot of them are very unsupportive and some are quite backward and jahil so she's had to struggle through a lot of this alone and she has some health problems as well. Before her health problems, she worked part time at a school and she did some hair dressing work but now I think she's mainly living off benefits. She never remarried as she devoted her life to her children. Her children have grown up now: one completed her studies and works at a good job so she contributes to the household expenses and the other is studying at uni but they're quite irreligious.

                    - Didi: It's a long story, but to cut it short, before marriage her husband gave her the impression that he was one type of person and after marriage she realised that he's very skilled at lip service, at shirking away from responsibilities so she had to be the breadwinner (which she didn't mind at first cos' she thought it would be temporary till he finishes his studies- it wasn't). 5 years after they got married, she said to him that maybe we should think about starting a family, especially as she was in her thirties and didn't want to wait too long but he was completely against the idea and wanted to spend his whole marriage enjoying uni and then travelling like some sort of hippy guru. He also claimed to be religious and prayed regularly but then he'd make excuses to discard any Islamic rule that wasn't to his liking and showed a number of traits of hypocrisy. Eventually in order to flee from any form of commitment to her, 5 years after they got married, he moved out saying he needed space and he never returned. As he was the one that left, she told him to give talaaq as she didn't want to give khula, so he did say talaaq to her but he never gave her mahr- again cos' he was irresponsible when it came to money (when he did earn money, he'd send it back home so didi had to be the breadwinner to make ends meet). Last we heard, he was living with a skanky German girlfriend and was sponging off her money- we have good reason to believe he was that way inclined during the marriage as well. It took years before didi mustered up the strength to finalise her legal divorce through the courts, I think because it was so draining and horrible to think about that she put it off for a long time. Once the divorce was finalised, she said she'd like to meet someone and would hope to marry and start a family, but the few rishtas she did meet were unsuitable. The annoying thing for us is that after my brother's divorce, my mum told all the relatives that her perfect son is now back on the market so pretty please find a nice girl for him, but in Didi's case, she went to a wedding about a year or two after the divorce and our elderly relatives thought she was still married and asked where her husband was. It was like mum was reluctant to tell people that much let alone the fact that it would be nice to keep a lookout for anyone potentially suitable. She had a good professional job so was able to afford a deposit on the place where she lives, but then she lost her job and since then most jobs she's done have not been permanent so that has made it much more difficult for her to manage financially. Since the separation she's also developed health problems although for now alhamdullilah they are manageable enough that she's still able to keep up with working and looking after her home and fluffy cat.

                    - Brother: I think I've mentioned my brother's situation before. To cut a fairly long story short, he met a Bengali girl he liked at uni and they'd been seeing each other for some years. Even though he was born in Pakistan, he's still quite westernised and I don't think he could ever have accepted an arranged marriage. Although he didn't consider marrying her at first, I think eventually he just got used to her presence in his life and they got married in their mid 20s. He was clueless in that she was a bit forward and loud and he mistook that for confidence when actually that was her superficial expression of insecurity. He said her family are like ours because they're educated when in fact her family are not like ours; her mother felt intimidated by her father for a start and he'd prescribed tranquilisers for her. Her father did not treat her mother well so basically there were daddy issues and their circle of "friends" consisted of a cluster of very mean gossipy aunties which put my brother's wife off aunties altogether including my mum. No matter how much we tried to be welcoming and accepting of her, she took offence at Everything. We had no problem with them living independently and my brother and his wife lived in their own flat from day one. We never said they have to live with us after marriage and she never stayed a night at our place ever. My brother would pop round to see us roughly every week and she disliked the fact that he kept ties with us after getting married- it was like she wanted him all to herself. My brother said she's just sad cos' they don't have kids and once she has kids she'll be fine- it wasn't true and he was deluding himself. Once she had kids, she was even worse; on the one hand there were times she wouldn't let him hold his own children and even yanked the baby out of his arms and then afterwards she'd accuse him of being unsupportive and not helping out enough.... how could he do that if she wont let him touch them? She started physically attacking him as well and one time he had deep fingernail cut marks on his leg that lasted literally for months. Even with all this going on, they weren't happy together but he wanted to stay for the sake of the kids so the last 2-3years in particular were very tense and difficult, but she'd had enough and sent him the divorce papers. He was distraught but I believe she did him a favour. Since then she's placed obstacle after obstacle to prevent him from seeing the kids and even when the kids were 6 years old she was making up all sorts saying things like he took all her money and telling them that if they have a nice time at daddy's house it makes her cry so she instilled this determination in them to resent us and again, it doesn't matter how caring and welcoming we are towards the kids, that lie and those insecurities became a part of their identity too. As for the deen, spiritually there's a massive void- they have Muslim names, celebrate Eid and don't eat pork but other than that, I don't see any sign of Islam in the kids lives or my brother or his ex wife. I tried advising him about such matters in the past but got nowhere.

                    I'd say physically and financially my brother was okay, cos he's had good jobs and he exercises regularly and eats healthy food so in that sense he looks after himself, but for years he was very hurt and for every weekend that she cancelled the kids' visits, he'd feel heartbroken. Some years after the divorce, he fell in love with a non Muslim girl, but he'd made his mind up that he doesn't want anymore kids (he says he can't go through that whole nappy changes and sleepless nights phase again) whereas she was young and single and wanted to have her own kids in future so eventually they broke up. After that my mum said to him I want a Pakistani daughter in law this time; we tried things your way with your first marriage, but I don't want to go through that again. Last year he got married to a Pakistani woman he'd met online. She has two children from her previous marriage. He spends about half of his week at her house in Birmingham and the rest of the week in my town, but we suspect that in future he'll eventually move to Birmingham.

                    The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
                      If anyone knows of any organisations that help single women or single mum's please share them.

                      Unfortunately, women are always the vulnerable ones and an easy target.
                      This is what happens when peoples role models are rappers and movie stars
                      and theres no implementation of islam in their household

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
                        If anyone knows of any organisations that help single women or single mum's please share them.

                        Unfortunately, women are always the vulnerable ones and an easy target.
                        I think its pretty much a taboo subject in some communities. I can only speak of pakistani communities as I'm from that background. Adultery is sometimes even sanctioned by the family astaghfirullah! They blame the wife for not satisfying her husband. I suspect in most cases the husband didn't really want the wife anyway but the family thought being married would straighten the son out.

                        Okay for some it does work out like that as it gives them a focus in life but most just end up cheating. The power difference between men and women is absurd in this culture. I have personally had to intervene in someone elses married life to prevent injustices when whole families failed to act. Imagine that a young man telling entire families what is right and wrong.

                        I must stress i am no saint. I fear the day when someone heaps praise on me. But cowardice in the face of injustice is not an endearing trait for me.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post

                          This is what happens when peoples role models are rappers and movie stars
                          and theres no implementation of islam in their household
                          Ive seen it happen alot when someone follows islam in a ritualistic way. People have become really good at paying lip service to quran and sunnah. I certainly know of wife beaters who never missed salah.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            I am baffled at the ruthlessness of it all

                            Outrageous

                            From neelu's posts alone (jazak Allah hu khair for sharing that) you can see that it's damaging mentally for the person that has been oppressed and that doesn't go away.

                            Trust is the main issue. Everyone can be or can act religious by showing you they attend mosques, volunteer for charities, or any other actions that make you look 'pious', ostentation is easy to fall into.

                            ​​
                            When you finally find out it was too good to be true, it's so traumatic.

                            I can tell you I do this or that, but no one can see what corruption is in my heart.

                            These people should not get married, I hope this cycle breaks with our generation where parents don't just get their kids married off to 'fix' them.
                            I wish we have more strength, instead of keeping these type of filth we should kick them out.

                            Are we accepting the wrong things in life? Like someone mentioned regarding taking queries about halal food too far but avoiding much more important things/actions that need to be addressed, i.e riba

                            Are we too lenient about forgiveness, maybe we are forgiving the wrong people and so the corruption repeats like a never ending cycle to the point that it has touched someone we know.

                            ​​​​​

                            Especially in the West, the oppressor knows he (or she) can get away with something like adultery.

                            We won't forgive someone that ate our mars bar, but we will forgive a murderer.

                            We suddenly become merciful beings but when it is a petty issue it turns into something dangerous.

                            I hope what I am saying makes sense.

                            With every dilemma in life, it's not easy when you are the one in the situation.

                            This thread should not put people off marriage. I just wanted to be real and address serious issues and discuss them.

                            It is frustrating that we can't sit down and eradicate it and say to the oppressors that they are banned from marriage.
                            They ruin society, some influence their children, some become more abusive after marriage.

                            These people are not people but Allah is our witness so may he save the single Muslims who are striving to please Allah with pious spouses Ameen.






                            'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                            So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Originally posted by Sultan786 View Post

                              Ive seen it happen alot when someone follows islam in a ritualistic way. People have become really good at paying lip service to quran and sunnah. I certainly know of wife beaters who never missed salah.
                              This is true, everyone knows everything, but that's of no use when we're spiteful and not kind to others

                              Character is lacking, if you're a hafiz but an arrogant jerk...
                              hmm.

                              We're hot tempered and the most calmest can surprise us all

                              There's no balance

                              That's why there is confusion and some sisters are weary of these 'religious' brothers

                              No trust



                              'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                              So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                              Comment

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