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  • I'm giving up on marriage

    I don't know why I'm opening this topic, I think I just need to put this out of my chest.

    I've been actively searching for more then a year now, with no result.
    Last year I asked a friend if she knew of someone, she told me she new of many potentials who met my criteria. Then one day she contacted me because she knew of someone who would be a perfect match, later on she declined for unspecified reasons (I've opened a topic about this before, you can go and read it) and since then she never linked me with another potential dispite her knowing of many.
    At the time I was very shy to tell people I'm looking to get married, so for a few months I didn't actively search. Up untill about 6 months ago. I've decided that it was time to stop being passive, so I looked for ways to find someone online, I found a 'muslim' app. I asked my brother to be my mahram on the app and so he was. I was happy that I was able to look for someone in a halal way, but then things changed. Everytime we had an argument about something he would use the fact that I'm using an app to find someone, against me. I had a very hard time, cried allot etc. So I decided to remove him from the app, had a break from the app for a while.

    But then I decided to get back to the app again. I found no one that I could see to spend my life with. The day I wanted to close my profile someone messaged me and he seemed to be exactly what I'm looking for. We moved to whatsapp, talking to him for about 4 days and I started to feel really guilty about the fact that no mahram/wali was involved, eventhough the conversations were respectfull. I prayed istighara and after that I asked him when we could meet (in the presence of a mahram), he said he would get back to me on that because of his workshedule, later on that day he messaged me that he doesn't want to meet and that he is not who I think he is. I thanked him for his honesty and so we parted our ways.
    My next move was to try a muslim website, I've been using it for just a week now. I talked to 1 guy that I was interested in, but I felt he was being rude, he wasn't really engaging in the conversation eventhough he was the one that made the first move, and when he asked me to meet him in his country I ended our conversation. I don't know if that's wrong from my part, but I felt really bad as a female to be the one who has to put the effort to travel to another country for the meeting.

    So this was the process in a nutshell. I would love to get some feedback to get another perspective. From my point of view I did my best and I don't know if I can better my situation.
    Looking back I've felt lost through out this whole process. Trying to do things in the halal way, but then no one that's willing to help. No mahram, sister/friend I feel comfortable with.

    May Allah swt make it easyer on all the muslims who are looking to get married.
    Last edited by Iwnbd1; 13-03-18, 09:37 PM.

  • #2
    Ameen.

    Where are your parents in all this?

    You're just going to have to keep trying. Better than being single forever.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
      Ameen.

      Where are your parents in all this?

      You're just going to have to keep trying. Better than being single forever.
      My mother doesn't seem to believe in getting to know someone in the presence of a mahram, she expects the potential to visit 1 time and then I have to make a discision whether to marry him or not. My father has a very traditional/cultural mindset, I can't talk to him about this.

      Comment


      • #4
        Well sister, you sound frustrated as I was for a long time. And online there is a lot of time wasters and even some with the worst of intentions. My wife and I found each other online and going on almost 5 years married. You just have to put your trust in Allah in this and maybe just give it a little break, focus on worship and getting closer to Allah and down the road try it again. You never know what can happen. You may bump into your future husband at a grocery store. Anything can happen.
        The Prophet s.a.a.w warned when he said: "You will surely follow the ways of those who came before you, in exactly the same fashion, to the point were they to enter the hole of a lizard, you too would enter it." It was asked of him, "O Messenger of Allah s.a.a.w., do you mean the Jews and Christians?" He replied, "Who else?" (Bukhari and Muslim)

        Comment


        • #5
          I can relate with your struggles, especially when people use it against you. It's very sad, it's as though your single status embodies who you are as a person which is very wrong.

          I wish I could help but I will make dua for everyone, that's the only thing I can do.

          It's shockingly a stressful time, you wouldn't think the marriage search itself would be this difficult but it really is once you start looking.

          Give yourself a break (I know the pressure of age/time is always against us- especially for girls imo) sometimes it helps to forget about it all and relax for a bit.

          Make lots of duaa, I know this one is obvious but make extra prayers because this means a lot to you. Try your best to avoid talking to men alone for marriage, it's not safe, it just creates unnecessary problems.

          Some men are out there to play you, they are just cunning and dirt bags. The serious man will ask you if your wali is available.

          You can try pure matrimony if you haven't already. What about mosques, meeting new sisters and asking them if they know any one suitable?


          'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

          So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
            Ameen.

            Where are your parents in all this?

            You're just going to have to keep trying. Better than being single forever.
            I don't like it when people say that

            is being single forever a bad thing? I'm sure it is possible to live alone forever, maybe a bit quiet but doable

            I don't know
            Last edited by Ya'sin; 13-03-18, 11:40 PM.
            'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

            So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Iwnbd1 View Post

              My mother doesn't seem to believe in getting to know someone in the presence of a mahram, she expects the potential to visit 1 time and then I have to make a discision whether to marry him or not. My father has a very traditional/cultural mindset, I can't talk to him about this.
              I always used to make dua for my parents first and foremost because the family support is so essential (more of a priority than finding a husband)

              My parents are 'traditional', they didn't even see each other until the wedding day because their parents chose their spouse for them.
              They understand times have changed and people are allowed to choose who they want to marry but it was challenging at times for them to put this into action

              Be extra kind to them and remind them you are their gift (fulfil your obligations as their daughter, serve them and get close to them so you can communicate a bit more and get to know each other) pray to Allah to put understanding in their hearts
              'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

              So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post

                I don't like it when people say that

                is being single forever a bad thing? I'm sure it is possible to live alone forever, maybe a bit quiet but doable

                I don't know
                It is a bad thing; it is against human nature.

                Anyone who says otherwise is just trying to make themselves feel better.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Do you have an older relative in your extended family who would be understanding, and could help you talk your parents out of this? If it gets violent call the police. Stay at a hostel or hotel on the day of your flight.
                  وَاقْصِدْ فِي مَشْيِكَ وَاغْضُضْ مِن صَوْتِكَ ۚ إِنَّ أَنكَرَ الْأَصْوَاتِ لَصَوْتُ الْحَمِيرِ - 31:19

                  And be moderate in your pace and lower your voice; indeed, the most disagreeable of sounds is the voice of donkeys."


                  أَلَمْ تَرَوْا أَنَّ اللَّهَ سَخَّرَ لَكُم مَّا فِي السَّمَاوَاتِ وَمَا فِي الْأَرْضِ وَأَسْبَغَ عَلَيْكُمْ نِعَمَهُ ظَاهِرَةً وَبَاطِنَةً ۗ وَمِنَ النَّاسِ مَن يُجَادِلُ فِي اللَّهِ بِغَيْرِ عِلْمٍ وَلَا هُدًى وَلَا كِتَابٍ مُّنِيرٍ - 31:20

                  Do you not see that Allah has made subject to you whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth and amply bestowed upon you His favors, [both] apparent and unapparent? But of the people is he who disputes about Allah without knowledge or guidance or an enlightening Book [from Him].


                  Please take a look at my travel booking website : https://destinationfindertravel.com/

                  Please take a look at my blog : http://thinkingmuslima.blogspot.co.uk/

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    salam, hey how about talking to local masjid imams, if they know of someone nice practising muslim. I think in local masjids there are matrimonial services. The imams probably have a big book of candidates.. i am also looking for wife within this yr..inshallah, i think finding girl is easy, the hardest part is keeping them happy/satisfied.
                    Quran 2:155 And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As-Sabirin (the patient ones, etc.).

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      It took me about two years to find my wife. I met around 6 other Muslimas in that time before meeting my wife. It can take some time finding someone, it's quite normall I think.

                      “And Allaah loves As-Saabiroon (the patient)”

                      [Aal ‘Imraan 3:146]


                      Just think of the wait as a test from Allah, to maybe strengthen and reward you


                      And Muslim (2999) narrated that Suhayb (may Allaah be pleased with him)said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “How wonderful is the affair of the believer, for his affairs are all good, and this applies to no one but the believer. If something good happens to him, he is thankful for it and that is good for him. If something bad happens to him, he bears it with patience and that is good for him.”


                      Not long after I married my wife another sister I had previously been in talks with got back to me and basically wanted me to speak to her farther about marrying her. I waited patiently for two years and then in the end had two sisters wanting to marry me.
                      www.puremuslimmatch.com

                      *The Free Marriage Agency for practising Muslims*

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Iwnbd1 View Post
                        I don't know why I'm opening this topic, I think I just need to put this out of my chest.

                        I've been actively searching for more then a year now, with no result.
                        Last year I asked a friend if she knew of someone, she told me she new of many potentials who met my criteria. Then one day she contacted me because she knew of someone who would be a perfect match, later on she declined for unspecified reasons (I've opened a topic about this before, you can go and read it) and since then she never linked me with another potential dispite her knowing of many.
                        At the time I was very shy to tell people I'm looking to get married, so for a few months I didn't actively search. Up untill about 6 months ago. I've decided that it was time to stop being passive, so I looked for ways to find someone online, I found a 'muslim' app. I asked my brother to be my mahram on the app and so he was. I was happy that I was able to look for someone in a halal way, but then things changed. Everytime we had an argument about something he would use the fact that I'm using an app to find someone, against me. I had a very hard time, cried allot etc. So I decided to remove him from the app, had a break from the app for a while.

                        But then I decided to get back to the app again. I found no one that I could see to spend my life with. The day I wanted to close my profile someone messaged me and he seemed to be exactly what I'm looking for. We moved to whatsapp, talking to him for about 4 days and I started to feel really guilty about the fact that no mahram/wali was involved, eventhough the conversations were respectfull. I prayed istighara and after that I asked him when we could meet (in the presence of a mahram), he said he would get back to me on that because of his workshedule, later on that day he messaged me that he doesn't want to meet and that he is not who I think he is. I thanked him for his honesty and so we parted our ways.
                        My next move was to try a muslim website, I've been using it for just a week now. I talked to 1 guy that I was interested in, but I felt he was being rude, he wasn't really engaging in the conversation eventhough he was the one that made the first move, and when he asked me to meet him in his country I ended our conversation. I don't know if that's wrong from my part, but I felt really bad as a female to be the one who has to put the effort to travel to another country for the meeting.

                        So this was the process in a nutshell. I would love to get some feedback to get another perspective. From my point of view I did my best and I don't know if I can better my situation.
                        Looking back I've felt lost through out this whole process. Trying to do things in the halal way, but then no one that's willing to help. No mahram, sister/friend I feel comfortable with.

                        May Allah swt make it easyer on all the muslims who are looking to get married.
                        Which country are you from if you don't mind me asking?
                        www.puremuslimmatch.com

                        *The Free Marriage Agency for practising Muslims*

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Maybe expand your ethnic choices

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

                            It is a bad thing; it is against human nature.

                            Anyone who says otherwise is just trying to make themselves feel better.
                            hmm not sure - not everyone wants a spouse

                            i think we should ask people who are lonely but prefer to live life without a spouse

                            maybe it is manageable when you have family -parents, siblings, nieces, nephews and close friends
                            'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                            So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post

                              hmm not sure - not everyone wants a spouse

                              i think we should ask people who are lonely but prefer to live life without a spouse

                              maybe it is manageable when you have family -parents, siblings, nieces, nephews and close friends
                              Its the sunnah
                              sahabas said to the prophet that they would go celibate and the prophet prohibited it

                              Following this sunnah could give u that one extra reward that lets u enter jannah

                              Comment

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