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Is it essential to make sure your spouse becomes a better muslim

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  • Is it essential to make sure your spouse becomes a better muslim

    Asalam Alakum,

    My family and I were talking about marriage and a couple we know came up, where the wife is not so religious but my sister claimed that the husband was extremely religious. And then my dad said "how could he be that religious if he lets his wife and kids act the way they are acting? Allah will ask him on the day of judgement why he didn't lead them the right way if he had the knowledge to make them more religious and didn't use it"

    So, could that affect you in the afterlife, if you are so religious but you don't raise your kids to be or don't encourage your wife or husband to be religious?

  • #2
    Absouletly. Abdullah ibn Umar reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. The leader of people is a guardian and is responsible for his subjects. A man is the guardian of his family and he is responsible for them. A woman is the guardian of her husband’s home and his children and she is responsible for them. The servant of a man is a guardian of the property of his master and he is responsible for it. No doubt, every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock.

    Source: Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 6719, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 1829

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by ahmedyounes View Post
      Absouletly. Abdullah ibn Umar reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. The leader of people is a guardian and is responsible for his subjects. A man is the guardian of his family and he is responsible for them. A woman is the guardian of her husband’s home and his children and she is responsible for them. The servant of a man is a guardian of the property of his master and he is responsible for it. No doubt, every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock.

      Source: Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 6719, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 1829
      Okay now I have a bunch of follow up questions:

      1) so if someone is perfect in this life but didn't do enough or anything to make sure their children and spouse ended up being good Muslims, they would suffer in the after life?

      2)Should people then strive to marry people who are better Muslims than them, so they can encourage them to improve themselves? And if yes, does that work the same for men and women? (some guys might not like their wives telling them how to be better Muslims because it may challenge the power dynamics within the relationship, since the man is responsible for the entire family as a whole)

      3) The guy I mentioned above had this approach of "I took you from your parents house this way, I shouldn't change you from the way they raised you" is that a good way to go about being married? And if your potential is not a very good Muslim, should you tell them beforehand that you need them to change?

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      • #4
        1- Yes he is responsible to teach his family how to become good muslims, but it not his fault if they don't adopt the teachings along as he did his part.
        2- Yes, marrying someone who is better than you is always a good thing, but it should not come in the way of your marriage if you do find someone who is equally committed.
        There's nothing wrong with a women advising her husband to become a better muslim, and should not shift the power dynamics at all, rather it should stabilize it.
        The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "The religion is naseehah (sincerity/advice)."We said, "To whom?" He (peace be upon him) said, "To Allah, His Book, His Messenger, and to the leaders of the Muslims and their common folk"
        3- Of course that is not a good way to go about it.
        Yes if your potential is not a good muslim you should tell them before hand, because islam is the only thing that should be binding you together.

        Hope I answered your questions.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by ahmedyounes View Post
          1- Yes he is responsible to teach his family how to become good muslims, but it not his fault if they don't adopt the teachings along as he did his part.
          2- Yes, marrying someone who is better than you is always a good thing, but it should not come in the way of your marriage if you do find someone who is equally committed.
          There's nothing wrong with a women advising her husband to become a better muslim, and should not shift the power dynamics at all, rather it should stabilize it.
          The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "The religion is naseehah (sincerity/advice)."We said, "To whom?" He (peace be upon him) said, "To Allah, His Book, His Messenger, and to the leaders of the Muslims and their common folk"
          3- Of course that is not a good way to go about it.
          Yes if your potential is not a good muslim you should tell them before hand, because islam is the only thing that should be binding you together.

          Hope I answered your questions.
          Yes it does, thanks. Jazak Allah Khairan

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by aelmo View Post

            Okay now I have a bunch of follow up questions:

            1) so if someone is perfect in this life but didn't do enough or anything to make sure their children and spouse ended up being good Muslims, they would suffer in the after life?

            2)Should people then strive to marry people who are better Muslims than them, so they can encourage them to improve themselves? And if yes, does that work the same for men and women? (some guys might not like their wives telling them how to be better Muslims because it may challenge the power dynamics within the relationship, since the man is responsible for the entire family as a whole)

            3) The guy I mentioned above had this approach of "I took you from your parents house this way, I shouldn't change you from the way they raised you" is that a good way to go about being married? And if your potential is not a very good Muslim, should you tell them beforehand that you need them to change?
            (1) Im not sure how someone can be perfect and not care about his family going to heaven? Ppl who are perfect have a "living heart", there is no living heart pumping with love to Allah will be ok to see his family sinning! Yes, he cant force them physically, but there are plenty of ways to make them dicipline.

            (2) yes sure. Whether the man likes it or not thats his problem. He has to decide between his ego and his love for Allah. For you (assuming u r a lady) look for the one who will support you to be better...

            (3) i wouldnt take someone who's below my standard to start with. I'd rather be single than watch someone rectless about his religion, or sins out loud infront of me! There is no such thing as i married u like that, why marry them in the first place and then expect them to change "for u"? If they didnt change for Allah, not sure i care much about them changing for me! Dont take risks, those who want to change will change for themselves before they marry u.
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            * typing from my phone, excuse the mess

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by malleat1 View Post

              (1) Im not sure how someone can be perfect and not care about his family going to heaven? Ppl who are perfect have a "living heart", there is no living heart pumping with love to Allah will be ok to see his family sinning! Yes, he cant force them physically, but there are plenty of ways to make them dicipline.

              (2) yes sure. Whether the man likes it or not thats his problem. He has to decide between his ego and his love for Allah. For you (assuming u r a lady) look for the one who will support you to be better...

              (3) i wouldnt take someone who's below my standard to start with. I'd rather be single than watch someone rectless about his religion, or sins out loud infront of me! There is no such thing as i married u like that, why marry them in the first place and then expect them to change "for u"? If they didnt change for Allah, not sure i care much about them changing for me! Dont take risks, those who want to change will change for themselves before they marry u.
              I just had to highlight this part. Alhamdulillah

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by malleat1 View Post

                (1) Im not sure how someone can be perfect and not care about his family going to heaven? Ppl who are perfect have a "living heart", there is no living heart pumping with love to Allah will be ok to see his family sinning! Yes, he cant force them physically, but there are plenty of ways to make them dicipline.

                (2) yes sure. Whether the man likes it or not thats his problem. He has to decide between his ego and his love for Allah. For you (assuming u r a lady) look for the one who will support you to be better...

                (3) i wouldnt take someone who's below my standard to start with. I'd rather be single than watch someone rectless about his religion, or sins out loud infront of me! There is no such thing as i married u like that, why marry them in the first place and then expect them to change "for u"? If they didnt change for Allah, not sure i care much about them changing for me! Dont take risks, those who want to change will change for themselves before they marry u.
                I totally agree with you.

                With the first thing, I mean that maybe the husband is a good Muslim but works all the time and expects the wife to raise the kids, and doesn't realize that they are growing up without Islam in their lives or vise versa if the roles were reversed. I assume this could be the case with the people I know, since the guy works 24/7. Would he be blamed for that, since its the wife's job is to take care of the kids and the house anyway? (Yes I am a lady, I am just asking all this out of curiosity)

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by aelmo View Post
                  Asalam Alakum,

                  My family and I were talking about marriage and a couple we know came up, where the wife is not so religious but my sister claimed that the husband was extremely religious. And then my dad said "how could he be that religious if he lets his wife and kids act the way they are acting? Allah will ask him on the day of judgement why he didn't lead them the right way if he had the knowledge to make them more religious and didn't use it"

                  So, could that affect you in the afterlife, if you are so religious but you don't raise your kids to be or don't encourage your wife or husband to be religious?
                  :wswrwb:

                  In defense of this brother, we don't know and your father doesn't know the state of his household, what happens behind closed doors, it could well be the situation is such that he is genuinely doing all he can reasonably do to fix up his family, and that he has made a choice to stay in such a situation to help them, even though he might be able to leave and personally do better but at a cost to his family.

                  But in general yes, very much agree. And I've seen over and over again, 'religious' brothers leave their wives behind in terms of knowledge and practice of the deen, who generally have less opportunities to learn, study and implement aspects of the deen due to social and cultural limitations of women we've imposed as we've moved away from the deen and towards traditionalism and culture.

                  These brothers will then after advancing to a certain degree themselves complain, or even leave their wives when it was their responsibility to bring that knowledge back to them and help them to practice.
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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by aelmo View Post

                    I totally agree with you.

                    With the first thing, I mean that maybe the husband is a good Muslim but works all the time and expects the wife to raise the kids, and doesn't realize that they are growing up without Islam in their lives or vise versa if the roles were reversed. I assume this could be the case with the people I know, since the guy works 24/7. Would he be blamed for that, since its the wife's job is to take care of the kids and the house anyway? (Yes I am a lady, I am just asking all this out of curiosity)
                    The responsibility of bringing up children is on both father and mother. Yes the mother spends more time with the kids when she's a housewife, but thats not a reason for the father not to do his role. He still has a responsibility to find the time and spend it with them. No one works 24/7. Yes he could find himself working 10+ hours, but thats his choice chasing after money. Every family can make arrangements for how much they live on, and every decent father will find a work/life balance to take on his responsibilities towards his wife and children.

                    One non-muslim contractor at work was asked to do overtime work on saturday (worth £1000) and he said in the middle of the meeting "sorry i have a family, and my weekends are for them". And his friend also contractor but muslim, is always working weekends, and leaves work at 8 every day!!!! Both have families and children.

                    Some ppl care about being part of their family, and others are just money hunters.
                    Last edited by malleat1; 11-02-18, 12:22 PM.
                    *
                    *
                    * typing from my phone, excuse the mess

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by malleat1 View Post

                      The responsibility of bringing up children is on both father and mother. Yes the mother spends more time with the kids when she's a housewife, but thats not a reason for the father not to do his role. He still has a responsibility to find the time and spend it with them. No one works 24/7. Yes he could find himself working 10+ hours, but thats his choice chasing after money. Every family can make arrangements for how much they live on, and every decent father will find a work/life balance to take on his responsibilities towards his wife and children.

                      One non-muslim contractor at work was asked to do overtime work on saturday (worth £1000) and he said in the middle of the meeting "sorry i have a family, and my weekends are for them". And his friend also contractor but muslim, is always working weekends, and leaves work at 8 every day!!!! Both have families and children.

                      Some ppl care about being part of their family, and others are just money hunters.
                      Very true.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Well like someone above really wisely said, people have many years to improve and change themselves... we/they should all do it for Allah s.w.t, not for a spouse.
                        Saying that.. iman fluctuates, so the person could be really religious, yet have ups and downs, so being there for each other is important of course
                        And with Him are the keys of the Ghayb (all that is hidden), none knows them but He. And He knows whatever there is in the land and in the sea; not a leaf falls, but He knows it. There is not a grain in the darkness of the earth nor anything fresh or dry, but is written in a Clear Record”
                        [al-An’aam 6:59]

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