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  • #31
    Originally posted by Linkdeutscher View Post

    It's not haraam if he doesn't and tells her to wear it after marriage, the issue with that it might lead to complications.
    I know

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    • #32
      Originally posted by Janna90 View Post

      Yh but taking pictures can be a big deal, because those who believe its haram then of course they wont be okay with you taking pictures, even pictures of your children for example. one opinion is that its a sin and you will get punished severely if you do. So of course the husband is not going to let his wife do that is he believes its haram.

      Niqab is another big issue because there is a difference of opinion also, but some brothers think its okay to force their opinion on you. And yh your right they should marry a woman who believe its wajb, problem solved. But no they pick women who don't and then try to force it on us, And then they judge us for not wearing it, and how were so haram for showing our face. But maybe I do have an intention to wear it, I just don't want it to b forced on me. At the same time I would want someone who is open to it and doesn't mind if choose to wear it. We just can't win lol
      I don't get this mentality to be honest. Just because I believe something is haram or wajib for example, doesn't mean I judge other people as sinners if they are clearly following another valid opinion.

      If I believe covering the face is wajib, am i going to tell every sister who doesn't do that that she is a sinner? If someone believes pictures are haraam does that mean they call every person who takes pictures a sinner? Does it even mean that they are sinners in the first place for following another opinion? how does someone else taking a photo affect the person who believes it is haram? It doesn't. Telling everyone who doesn't follow your opinion that they are a sinner is forcing your opinion on them.

      These guys who force things on their wife because "I said so" are not worth marrying, just because this is the only person they have some control over they want to take full advantage of that. why is it so hard to have a household where everyone is encouraged to read and research, learn and follow what they believe is right. And if anyone disagrees they can discuss it and try to convince the other person with evidence, not just shove "obey your husband" statement in their face. What kind of children are going to come out of such a household, they're going to be sheep following the crowd, incapable of thinking independently. I can't imagine how the daughters will turn out, seeing mum have no brain of her own and if she did she wasn't allowed or given the chance to use it. Some households are like a dictatorship lol.

      A lot of this can easily be sorted before marriage, when you're asked what type of family you want etc just explain. Mention that you have your own opinions on things and that is how it will stay so if this potential plans on forcing things on you later, he can walk out now, show him the door.
      Last edited by Rumaysah~; 05-02-18, 04:03 PM.
      شَكَوْتُ إلَى وَكِيعٍ سُوءَ حِفْظِي
      فَأرْشَدَنِي إلَى تَرْكِ المعَاصي
      وَأخْبَرَنِي بأَنَّ العِلْمَ نُورٌ
      ونورُ الله لا يهدى لعاصي

      Comment


      • #33
        Originally posted by Janna90 View Post

        Yh but most of the time their approach is kind of wrong, and some women are kind of forced. I think the men should be more smart about it and take a different approach and look at how they say it. Because yes the wife should obey the husband, but the husband should be kind and caring to his wife. First and foremost niqab is an act of worship and is done for the sake of Allah. You really do have to have passion for it and love it because Allah loves it. If you just do it for the sake of your husband, yh you will still get rewarded for pleasing your husband but it just wont be the same. You will feel kind of forced into it, rather than feeling liberated. Because honestly niqab is truly liberating but if your forced into it you wont experience that feeling.
        True, I totally agree.

        Comment


        • #34
          Originally posted by Janna90
          Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

          Well you either agree to disagree, or one of you accepts the opinion of the other for the sake of the marriage.

          Or just don't marry the person.

          That's the thing though, is it wise to take a different opinion for the sake of marriage?

          True you don't have to marry the person, but there's not that many potentials who will hold the same views. There either always more practicing, or there just not practicing enough. I think am looking for somewhere in between, I definitely want to practice more and seek knowledge. The issue is not many people are willing to compromise so I have to change my views or khalas there's no negotiating.
          People seem to do it all the time. You got women wearing niqab at their husbands request, men wearing their trousers above their ankle at their wife's request. Seems to work out fine, but it's totally OK to wait for someone who will agree with you on certain key issues.

          But if you ask me, life is just too short to be waiting around for the guy or girl who ticks all the boxes.

          Comment


          • #35
            Originally posted by Rumaysah~ View Post

            I don't get this mentality to be honest. Just because I believe something is haram or wajib for example, doesn't mean I judge other people as sinners if they are clearly following another valid opinion.

            If I believe covering the face is wajib, am i going to tell every sister who doesn't do that that she is a sinner? If someone believes pictures are haraam does that mean they call every person who takes pictures a sinner? Does it even mean that they are sinners in the first place for following another opinion? how does someone else taking a photo affect the person who believes it is haram? It doesn't. Telling everyone who doesn't follow your opinion that they are a sinner is forcing your opinion on them.

            These guys who force things on their wife because "I said so" are not worth marrying, just because this is the only person they have some control over they want to take full advantage of that. why is it so hard to have a household where everyone is encouraged to read and research, learn and follow what they believe is right. And if anyone disagrees they can discuss it and try to convince the other person with evidence, not just shove "obey your husband" statement in their face. What kind of children are going to come out of such a household, they're going to be sheep following the crowd, incapable of thinking independently. I can't imagine how the daughters will turn out, seeing mum have no brain of her own and if she did she wasn't allowed or given the chance to use it. Some households are like a dictatorship lol.

            A lot of this can easily be sorted before marriage, when you're asked what type of family you want etc just explain. Mention that you have your own opinions on things and that is how it will stay so if this potential plans on forcing things on you later, he can walk out now, show him the door.
            Yh I agree with you, trust me it happens. People need to understand that everyone is on a different level in their journey, just because someone does something you believe is haram it doesn't make that person evil. We all sin in different ways if we don't agree with someone just move on. But some people feel the need to putt you down and let u know your opinion is wrong because these days no one respects your opinion.

            But yh your right I guess they have to be okay with my view, but so far no one was willing to compromise. Am dealing with the same thing over and over again, having a difference of opinion. And am just thinking it must just be me, shall I just give up and compromise? because honestly there's very few people who actually agree with me. And maybe am waiting for something that will never happen.

            Comment


            • #36
              Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

              People seem to do it all the time. You got women wearing niqab at their husbands request, men wearing their trousers above their ankle at their wife's request. Seems to work out fine, but it's totally OK to wait for someone who will agree with you on certain key issues.

              But if you ask me, life is just too short to be waiting around for the guy or girl who ticks all the boxes.
              Yh true no one is going to tick all the boxes, but these issues are important as well. I would rather wait then have issues down the line.

              Comment


              • #37
                Originally posted by Janna90 View Post

                Yh but taking pictures can be a big deal, because those who believe its haram then of course they wont be okay with you taking pictures, even pictures of your children for example. one opinion is that its a sin and you will get punished severely if you do. So of course the husband is not going to let his wife do that is he believes its haram.

                Niqab is another big issue because there is a difference of opinion also, but some brothers think its okay to force their opinion on you. And yh your right they should marry a woman who believe its wajb, problem solved. But no they pick women who don't and then try to force it on us, And then they judge us for not wearing it, and how were so haram for showing our face. But maybe I do have an intention to wear it, I just don't want it to b forced on me. At the same time I would want someone who is open to it and doesn't mind if choose to wear it. We just can't win lol
                Issues with wearing niqab go both ways. Having spent a lot of time on a womenís only forum, I can assure you that many woman are wanting to wear niqab, and their husbands are saying no. This is an area that I personally had trouble with in the past in marriage (clothing, where husband is more lenient than wife, and it can break a marriage). I guess Iím wondering what youíre looking for (maybe I missed it in the posts). If you want to share, are you wanting to wear niqab or not wanting photos?

                Comment


                • #38
                  Originally posted by Janna90 View Post

                  Yh I agree with you, trust me it happens. People need to understand that everyone is on a different level in their journey, just because someone does something you believe is haram it doesn't make that person evil. We all sin in different ways if we don't agree with someone just move on. But some people feel the need to putt you down and let u know your opinion is wrong because these days no one respects your opinion.

                  But yh your right I guess they have to be okay with my view, but so far no one was willing to compromise. Am dealing with the same thing over and over again, having a difference of opinion. And am just thinking it must just be me, shall I just give up and compromise? because honestly there's very few people who actually agree with me. And maybe am waiting for something that will never happen.
                  Don't compromise on anything except something you're 100% sure you can live with or live without. For a lot of sisters who wear niqab for example, they can't compromise on that ever. I think you should think about what's important to you and if the same issues keep coming up maybe try looking for someone somewhere else. If you're around the same circle of people all the time, the proposals you get will be from similar types of men.
                  شَكَوْتُ إلَى وَكِيعٍ سُوءَ حِفْظِي
                  فَأرْشَدَنِي إلَى تَرْكِ المعَاصي
                  وَأخْبَرَنِي بأَنَّ العِلْمَ نُورٌ
                  ونورُ الله لا يهدى لعاصي

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    Originally posted by Sister_2009 View Post

                    Issues with wearing niqab go both ways. Having spent a lot of time on a womenís only forum, I can assure you that many woman are wanting to wear niqab, and their husbands are saying no. This is an area that I personally had trouble with in the past in marriage (clothing, where husband is more lenient than wife, and it can break a marriage). I guess Iím wondering what youíre looking for (maybe I missed it in the posts). If you want to share, are you wanting to wear niqab or not wanting photos?
                    Yh that's true alot of women do. Well am open to niqab, am still thinking about it but I don't believe its wajib. With pictures I don't believe there haram, but allahu alam its still something am researching into and at the moment am convinced there not haram. I don't see me compromising in this because I cant guarantee that I will never take pictures, am not saying sharing pictures though social media etc I wouldn't do that, but generally just family pictures, future children things like that. I wouldn't share them, but if someone believed its haram then he obviously wouldn't allow me to take pictures of my kids. I would easily give it up, but I genuinely don't believe its haram.

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Originally posted by Rumaysah~ View Post

                      Don't compromise on anything except something you're 100% sure you can live with or live without. For a lot of sisters who wear niqab for example, they can't compromise on that ever. I think you should think about what's important to you and if the same issues keep coming up maybe try looking for someone somewhere else. If you're around the same circle of people all the time, the proposals you get will be from similar types of men.
                      Yh your right sis, but what if am sure about the person but just not the view he has? Should I compromise? I don't know if am 100% sure I could live that lifestyle so I really don't know, its hard to decide.

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        Originally posted by Janna90 View Post

                        Yh that's true alot of women do. Well am open to niqab, am still thinking about it but I don't believe its wajib. With pictures I don't believe there haram, but allahu alam its still something am researching into and at the moment am convinced there not haram. I don't see me compromising in this because I cant guarantee that I will never take pictures, am not saying sharing pictures though social media etc I wouldn't do that, but generally just family pictures, future children things like that. I wouldn't share them, but if someone believed its haram then he obviously wouldn't allow me to take pictures of my kids. I would easily give it up, but I genuinely don't believe its haram.
                        Okay, this sounds fairly straight forward. Discuss it with potentials and see what their response is. Iím reading this as you being pretty flexible, so it shouldnít be all that difficult to find someone who is on a similar page. The thing is, none of us know if someone will change after marriage. Itís one of the risks you take. I agree with Rumaysah in widening your circle to meet different potentials.

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          Originally posted by Sister_2009 View Post

                          Okay, this sounds fairly straight forward. Discuss it with potentials and see what their response is. Iím reading this as you being pretty flexible, so it shouldnít be all that difficult to find someone who is on a similar page. The thing is, none of us know if someone will change after marriage. Itís one of the risks you take. I agree with Rumaysah in widening your circle to meet different potentials.
                          I wouldn't say am that flexible, and trust me its really difficult to find someone on a similar page lol

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            Originally posted by Janna90 View Post

                            I wouldn't say am that flexible, and trust me its really difficult to find someone on a similar page lol
                            I guess Iím confused as to what youíre looking for and where youíre looking. You said you are open to niqab and still researching about photos. It sounds flexible. It was asked before where youíre looking, and it didnít seem clear. Oh well, I donít want to press you on it since it really isnít my business, but Iím wondering if there is something else going on, like maybe your family isnít fully involved in helping you look, or maybe you arenít looking with an open mind because you donít want to get married for some underlying reason. At any rate, like I said, none of my business I wish you the best.

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              Its not something I could do again, having experienced difference of opinions- it didn't become an issue until kids were involved and then as you don't have the same opinions arguments occur- which opinion will you go with when raising the kids?

                              Taking the example from the OP-
                              Photos-one thinks its haram, the other doesn't. Do you accept your spouse will take pics of your child if you agree its haram or that you aren't allowed to take pics of your own children because the other parent doesn't agree with it?

                              Niqab- Do you force your wife to wear it and deal with abuse she will get in society if she doesn't agree its fard and isn't by her own choice choosing to wear it? if yes-what does that teach the kids about personal choice & respect in relationships if daddy 'forced' mummy to accept something that she isn't comfortable with and feels isn't fard (different opinions) and therefore is only doing so because she was told she had to and not with the Islamic intention of pleasing Allah (saw)? If no- how do you deal with the idea that your wife isn't dressed in what you consider fard?
                              Do you not allow your wife to wear it, even if she wants to? again what does that teach the kids about personal choice and respect?

                              In theory you should respect each others choices, in practice it isn't as cut and dry and difficulties show particularly when children come along and you have to educate them.

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                It really depends what the difference of opinion is on.. and whether it will cause conflict/issues in the marriage, at the end of the day, you won't know what your differences are until you discuss them in the pre marriage meeting, so it depends what it is, if it's a big vs small thing, if it's going to be something one of you are insistent on, if it's going to be continually brought up and cause arguments, you have to make a choice at the end of the day.. It's hard to say just yeah or no, also depends on the person and how much you want to marry them specifically..

                                It's better to have an aligned opinion if it's something like pictures or niqaab as this affects one on a daily basis, and marriage is hard enough without this additional conflict.
                                And with Him are the keys of the Ghayb (all that is hidden), none knows them but He. And He knows whatever there is in the land and in the sea; not a leaf falls, but He knows it. There is not a grain in the darkness of the earth nor anything fresh or dry, but is written in a Clear RecordĒ
                                [al-Aníaam 6:59]

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