Quality time with the husband

[Creamcake]

I don't even know what I have just read
I mean people arguing left right and centre..I came to post a reply, but I don't even know what to write, after everything I've read
Sister Ya'sin you are awesome btw, and definitely did not deserve any of the negative comments you received on this thread from a user..
And I agree with Br Zizou's perspective on this thread r.e spending time with your spouse.
I'll write a proper reply Insha Allah when I've dwelled on this further.

[zi-zizou]

Salam alekum wa rahmatullah wa barakaatuh ukhti,


When people get married, they sure know, that they have to fulfil each others rights as part of spousal duty. He should be excited to come home and spend time with his new bride not with his phone.
You two need to talk about openly your issues and maybe find a Muslim councillor, if needed.
What was the reason he wanted to get married in first place? Did you ask him enough questions during vetting process?

3 months is very early days, he should be holding your hands and getting to know each others better. This should be time where foundation of marriage is build. How strong relationship do you want? Man, who has Tawqa wouldn't neglect his wife, as he knows his duties and responsibilities in marriage.

Get up middle of night and pray tahajjud. At sajdah make duas and cry out your heart contest to the One who listen.

What about those that are saying he could be stressed and needs his own time to relax. Is she reasonable in wanting more time if this is the case?

[uccello verde]

Salam alekum wa rahmatullah wa barakaatuh ukhti,


When people get married, they sure know, that they have to fulfil each others rights as part of spousal duty. He should be excited to come home and spend time with his new bride not with his phone.
You two need to talk about openly your issues and maybe find a Muslim councillor, if needed.
What was the reason he wanted to get married in first place? Did you ask him enough questions during vetting process?

3 months is very early days, he should be holding your hands and getting to know each others better. This should be time where foundation of marriage is build. How strong relationship do you want? Man, who has Tawqa wouldn't neglect his wife, as he knows his duties and responsibilities in marriage.

Get up middle of night and pray tahajjud. At sajdah make duas and cry out your heart contest to the One who listen.

[zi-zizou]

Poor guy. Must be truly unhappy.

Poor guy. Should get himself a new mobile.

[Need4Guidance]

Poor guy. Must be truly unhappy.

[Ya'sin]

Just think about it

ten minutes a day with family members? (in this case the wife) how many of us spend ten minutes with our family members like that? it just seems we spend more time with friends than family

I personally find it unacceptable, kind of sad as well

[Ya'sin]

-silent being

I agree with most of what you are saying, empathy another important aspect to marriage and I think this gets overlooked a lot, so is consideration for your spouse

if i'm on my phone after work nearly all the time (this is what the scenario is here) and I don't spend time with my family, my in laws or the guests, it will naturally be seen as rude and disrespectful. I wouldn't appreciate this either, it just lacks any healthy social skills and it's mind boggling to think anyone would tolerate or do something similar at work or a place they know they could risk losing their place in.

I would hate if my nieces and nephews were like that when they come around, just bad adab, shows a lack of manners I suppose

These things are controlling us, they've taken over our lives that we find it comfortable to avoid the 'nasty' world because it seems much easier to have a cyber life

The youth are like this and it becomes normal for them, but there is no space for those kind of 'addictions' after marriage. Marriage is important and your spouse is important who requires your time.

Like I've already said, it's not as though i'm saying be clingy and follow your wife throughout the day, all i'm saying is ten minutes is a very short amount of time to have. This is the main issue here, he can do the things he likes but compromising time on the new wife shows a lack of interest and commitment from his part.

It's about valuing that something or someone, putting love aside. The 'I love you' are empty words if said constantly, it loses the meaning, I can say that to my husband without meaning it, it's just a good way to get out of putting effort in your relationship that needs to be nurtured in these early days, it's another way to avoid having a meaningful conversation on how you can improve your marriage.

If it's like this now (early days) it can get worse later on as the husband is unaware of his actions. They need to build a foundation now, when kids come into the scene it's a different challenge altogether so if he tries to understand his wife now, things can become less complicated otherwise they'll both resent each other

All of us know single life is different compared to married life (I thoroughly enjoyed my single life Alhamdulillah, minus the pressure of marriage). Single life is about you, but when you get married, everything you do will have to be done by taking into consideration your partner.

[Asmaa19]

Maybe he's used to living like that, for example in my house my siblings and I bond over being on our various devices. Do you ever watch stuff together? Like on a PS4 or something watching YouTube videos? That could be fun. If this habit of his can't be helped maybe you can try to get in on it. Say, do you know which apps he uses on his phone? Is it social media or..? Do you guys pray together? I am really sorry for this whole situation sis, I'll make dua for you Insha'Allah. :)

[zi-zizou]

Your analogy makes no sense. Its not like the guy sleeps the whole day and doesn't go to work. If that what was so, it will be perfect to draw such an analogy.

I guess we are all saying the same thing in a different manner. Hehehe somethings you can force and manage while other things If you force it lacks the authenticity and the magic....

Who wants to make their significant other feel cornered with planned interactions and forced 'fun activities'. This things should follow a natural course, IMO.

I agree everything requires effort. The husband needs to put effort.

Probably he feels what he gives of his time is enough. Because I find it hard that her husband doesn't interact at all with OP, she just wants some more time with him.


I was thinking OP should sit next to him while his using his phone and participate in what his doing. Text him and poke him. Sometimes being cheeky helps bring down the walls. You can't be like 'put your phone down and look at me. Let's chill together and have good time.' Dunno sounds robotic.

May be I view these things differently.

She said he gives her 10 minutes and it's been like that for 2 months...do you think that's enough?

It makes no difference if he works, lots of people work and manage to give time to those that matter.

What's robotic is being glued to your phone, no? Put it away and do stuff together.

[Silent being]

If day in day out she is on her phone 90% of the time and the husband comes back from work...I'm guessing all the household duties fall on him. I'm sure you'll be loving that!

We have duties outside of the home and also inside. We don't always have the luxury of doing exactly as we please. Stuff needs doing even if it means you remain in a stressed state. We all have to give up some of our free time to do that, it's normal. I'd love to do exactly as I please but I have responsibilities as a man to ensure my household is tickity-boo.

I think the wife is doing her bit, she needs to see something from him and then she needs to put further effort in and then let things snowball naturally. I don't think this is a big issue. They just need to spend some time together.

Your analogy makes no sense. Its not like the guy sleeps the whole day and doesn't go to work. If that what was so, it will be perfect to draw such an analogy.

I guess we are all saying the same thing in a different manner. Hehehe somethings you can force and manage while other things If you force it lacks the authenticity and the magic....

Who wants to make their significant other feel cornered with planned interactions and forced 'fun activities'. This things should follow a natural course, IMO.

I agree everything requires effort. The husband needs to put effort.

Probably he feels what he gives of his time is enough. Because I find it hard that her husband doesn't interact at all with OP, she just wants some more time with him.


I was thinking OP should sit next to him while his using his phone and participate in what his doing. Text him and poke him. Sometimes being cheeky helps bring down the walls. You can't be like 'put your phone down and look at me. Let's chill together and have good time.' Dunno sounds robotic.

May be I view these things differently.

[P1RAT3N]

you've made good points, explained it better than me

Are you sure you're not married?

Maybe I am... I don't know... You tell me

[zi-zizou]

@Zi-zou If I was the husband and the wife did her own thing while I'm around I won't feel a thing, If she wasn't doing it intentionally. Shocker Zi-zou? Why would I? Prolly their busy, they need their space , they don't want to be disturbed. See, the common theme around this whole thing is perspective. All those who seem to support the husband aren't really saying that what he is doing is right. If the husband came here complaining about wife nagging and asking for quality time most would advice to try and bond with his wife and make his marriage work.

Since you have been going back and forth replying to others input, what's your advice to the sister?


Yassin the brother isn't really failing in doing other part of his responsibilities, of course when you go to work you don't bring excuses for your idiosyncrasies but a good boss with insight utilizes his workers according to their forts as long as you are a contributing member, you should be fine. There different kind of personalities and behaviors and that should not be brushed off as its nothing. Human beings see things differently. I guess empathy - putting yourself in someone else's shoe and see why they do what they do, is the key to achieving understanding of each of other.

No doubt it's disrespectful being on your phone while someone else is trying to have a conversation. Being plugged in its one of the biggest disaster of this generation. Best advice have seen so far, is to text him or even call him while he is on his phone.


Seems I can't tag nor quote

If day in day out she is on her phone 90% of the time and the husband comes back from work...I'm guessing all the household duties fall on him. I'm sure you'll be loving that!

We have duties outside of the home and also inside. We don't always have the luxury of doing exactly as we please. Stuff needs doing even if it means you remain in a stressed state. We all have to give up some of our free time to do that, it's normal. I'd love to do exactly as I please but I have responsibilities as a man to ensure my household is tickity-boo.

I think the wife is doing her bit, she needs to see something from him and then she needs to put further effort in and then let things snowball naturally. I don't think this is a big issue. They just need to spend some time together.

[zi-zizou]

Stick to the topic, otherwise you are not being helpful.

[zi-zizou]

How do you know ,her friends are not putting ideas to her head.She did mention extravort and friends.

She knew her husband for six months ,so suddenly now convo is dry, what makes you think he changed at all ,maybe she did specially with advice from extravort friends.

Women are susceptible to emotional changes its a fact,what makes you think he is not trying but cant get through to her, he does care he says he loves her several times.
There are two reasons husbands say I love you ,when they realy care ,or to get away from a nagging wife .

Ziziou we all can sit here and pump in a bunch if theories ,man needs to do this and that but practically for me I find the husband loves and cares .
Nowhere it says he is not a good guy and op throws the divorce word around .

I am sorry ,she needs to change her attitude.

To give a conclusive analysis we need husbands side.

We can only go on what is posted, that's generally the way it goes. You never get both sides of the story but you try and go on what the OP is posting and keep things as balanced as possible. You yourself have posted plenty and not said "sorry I can't really say anything on this matter because we don't have the full picture".

Perhaps her friends after listening to her version of events have told her to leave, maybe they have not, so what? it's something as a 26 year old she'll have to process. If they were sensible they would have told her to do all she can from her side to make it work before looking to go.

She said they communicated with each other over 6 months before they got married...sorry but that does not mean you know each other. Even in those cases she mentioned he would communicate via phone for 2-3 hours so it shows they can chat (via text or whatever they did). She did not hide this information.

She said he's on his phone 90% of the time and spends 10 mins with her. I'm going on that, I've got no reason to believe she is lying. To me that says he's not trying. I remember you creating a thread or mentioning in one, how when you were out and about you saw people staring at their phones and not taking in their surroundings and how you thought this was odd. Maybe you should have thought to yourself that they have stress home lives and and using the mobile to de-stress!?!

We all change that's fine, however, the situation currently is not sustainable. Both of them are going to have to put effort into changing the dynamics. She'll need to do different things as will he. She has said, let's put the devices away and do something together. What more does a husband want to hear? You have your starting point, go from that.

She said he says he loves her and she did not hide this...that's great, say it and show it too. They both go hand in hand. The word becomes hollow when over time they are not backed up with action.

I've already mentioned what I think about "introverts" and "extroverts".

I don't think she said she'll divorce him...I think it was more of, if this is what the future holds for me I'm not sure it's what I can handle.

We can never give a conclusive answer, this is UF marriage section.

[Silent being]

@Zi-zou If I was the husband and the wife did her own thing while I'm around I won't feel a thing, If she wasn't doing it intentionally. Shocker Zi-zou? Why would I? Prolly their busy, they need their space , they don't want to be disturbed. See, the common theme around this whole thing is perspective. All those who seem to support the husband aren't really saying that what he is doing is right. If the husband came here complaining about wife nagging and asking for quality time most would advice to try and bond with his wife and make his marriage work.

Since you have been going back and forth replying to others input, what's your advice to the sister?


Yassin the brother isn't really failing in doing other part of his responsibilities, of course when you go to work you don't bring excuses for your idiosyncrasies but a good boss with insight utilizes his workers according to their forts as long as you are a contributing member, you should be fine. There different kind of personalities and behaviors and that should not be brushed off as its nothing. Human beings see things differently. I guess empathy - putting yourself in someone else's shoe and see why they do what they do, is the key to achieving understanding of each of other.

No doubt it's disrespectful being on your phone while someone else is trying to have a conversation. Being plugged in its one of the biggest disaster of this generation. Best advice have seen so far, is to text him or even call him while he is on his phone.


Seems I can't tag nor quote