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  • #16
    Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

    After work? Son after work I'm trying to kick back and relax. Not get pestered by my wife. I'm pretty sure most guys are like this.

    But I do agree husbands shouldn't be selfish and should make an effort to meet their wife's needs.
    Okay but a man can't live like he did in his single days, it comes as part of being married to spend time with the wife. The wife has to change and adapt and can't live like a single woman anymore like she did before marriage. Well if you really need to relax after work and need that time alone, imagine when children come along. They need lots of time and attention.
    Last edited by s_muslimah; 22-01-18, 11:46 PM.

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    • #17
      Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

      After work? Son after work I'm trying to kick back and relax. Not get pestered by my wife. I'm pretty sure most guys are like this.

      But I do agree husbands shouldn't be selfish and should make an effort to meet their wife's needs.
      I have to agree with this above, tbh, personally. (Both points.)

      True, if the wife is someone who clearly would like to spend a bit more time together, I guess a husband ought to make a bit more time and invest a bit more energy that way. Seems an unfortunate situation for OP and similar sisters (and brothers). Hopefully they are able to find some ways to spend some more time together genuinely enjoying eachother's company.

      Maybe sister could try to take an interest in some of the things he enjoys and see if that results in him being more open to spending time in other things as well. Allahu a'lam.

      Best for some of the married brothers and sisters to try to help, inshaaAllah.

      ( Br Gingerbeardman
      Sr Indefinable ... )

      Last edited by Fakhri; 22-01-18, 11:35 PM.
      LAA ILAAHA ILLALLAH
      -------------------------------
      "And if you would count the graces of God, never could you be able to count them. Truly, God is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (Qur'aan 16:18)
      NOTE: Please kindly do NOT rep my posts. (Jazaa'akumullah).

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      • #18
        Originally posted by s_muslimah
        Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

        After work? Son after work I'm trying to kick back and relax. Not get pestered by my wife. I'm pretty sure most guys are like this.

        But I do agree husbands shouldn't be selfish and should make an effort to meet their wife's needs.
        Okay but a man can't live like he did in his single days, comes as part of the marriage package to spend time with the wife. The wife has to change and adapt and can't live like a single woman anymore like she did before marriage. Well if you really need to relax after work and need that time alone, imagine when children come along. They need lots of time and attention.
        Sure I agree, you can't be selfish and you have to spend time. But hour long sessions every day seem unnecessary and tbh seem like you're trying to force an interaction that should just occur naturally and spontaneously.

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        • #19
          He use to spend time chatting alot because that was when he wanted your attention now hes got you he feels more comfortable and confident in his relationship with you so he puts less time in
          (Forgive me if i seem inappropriate also this may not 100% be true just my take on it)
          Before anyone says anything about issues or problems so on just be honest and chat to him about it he probably hasnt even realised his mistake
          Better to speak to him then uf

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          • #20
            Originally posted by s_muslimah View Post
            I got married 3 months ago and moved cities to live where my husband lives and basically these past 2 months, I have realised my husband is just mainly on his phone. So he comes back from work about 5.30 and 90% of the time he will be on his phone till bedtime. The other 10% of the time is probably for eating and gym so his undivided attention, I will get about 10 minutes. I also work part time but when my husband comes home, it is very important to me that we at least spend 1 hour quality time together doing anything that involves putting devices away. We did get to know each other before marriage for about 6 months and I never expected this from him. I have told him so many times, lets put your phone away and spend time together, he will put it away for 10 mins and then its back to square one. Also, the conversation is so dry, he does not make many comments generally whatever I talk about. I know for many woman, they expect quality time in their relationships. I am thinking the state of my marriage will really detoriate if things carry on the way they are because there is a lack of communication.

            Please advice

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            • #21
              You are part of the problem
              Visit my channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYk...dE4pHzSid7Lr0w

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              • #22
                Originally posted by muzzybee View Post
                You are part of the problem
                Can you please elaborate?
                ┏╮╭┓╭━━━━━━╮
                ╰╮╭╯┃┈┈┈┈┈┈┃
                ┃╰━╯┈┈╰╯┈┈┈┃
                ┃┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈╰━┫

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by A500DaBest View Post

                  Can you please elaborate?

                  Statements like I am an extrovert and I cant see myself living like this
                  ​​​​​
                  then statements like conversation is so dry ,
                  demanding that attention.

                  cmon men get fed up with this attitude eventually.

                  after all is spoken about and done ,no marriage can maintain intensity levels.

                  Also him saying I love you so many times shows he needs a bit of toning down and settling in.
                  he is turning to his phone for comfort

                  being an extravort ,lot of friends and insistent on attention ,thinking conversation is dull
                  Well that attitude needs to change
                  ​​​
                  Visit my channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYk...dE4pHzSid7Lr0w

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                  • #24
                    what was the reason you even married him...you guys didnt do the right questions in the meetings it seems,or he is a phone addict

                    I know how bad you feel,ive had a girl in my class whose husband would work till 11pm and she was all alone the whole day.Her eyes couldnt hide her sadness
                    May Allah help you sister,whatever your decision will be,though i am not a fan of divorce.I am sure this problem can be fixed.Dont forget to pray istikhara when you decide.

                    I have only 2 advices:
                    1-use that eating and gym time to talk to him and you wont have only 10 mins.Give him compliments when you see him exercising,he will love it
                    2-wake him up for night prayer and fajr.As far as i know this works when the husband does it to the wife but it should work in this case too
                    whoever leaves something for the sake of Allah,Allah will replace it with something better

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                    • #25
                      Originally posted by s_muslimah View Post
                      I got married 3 months ago and moved cities to live where my husband lives and basically these past 2 months, I have realised my husband is just mainly on his phone. So he comes back from work about 5.30 and 90% of the time he will be on his phone till bedtime. The other 10% of the time is probably for eating and gym so his undivided attention, I will get about 10 minutes. I also work part time but when my husband comes home, it is very important to me that we at least spend 1 hour quality time together doing anything that involves putting devices away. We did get to know each other before marriage for about 6 months and I never expected this from him. I have told him so many times, lets put your phone away and spend time together, he will put it away for 10 mins and then its back to square one. Also, the conversation is so dry, he does not make many comments generally whatever I talk about. I know for many woman, they expect quality time in their relationships. I am thinking the state of my marriage will really detoriate if things carry on the way they are because there is a lack of communication.

                      Please advice
                      Well to be fair: he's addicted and you telling him to put your phone away and not giving him an option is not going to help much.

                      Give him something specific like, can you help me with holding this heavy thing or cut vegetables with me? Or can you help me do this or do that?
                      Make him feel important. Quality time can mean anything like him helping you set the table up or you giving him a neck massage etc. Or you playing video games with him etc.

                      Quality time is a buzz word and the point is to do something together.
                      So is "lack of communication" it is a buzzword. There is communication going on through body language and silence and keeping away from the other person... the point is to make it healthy communication where each person feels valued.

                      The second thing is you need to make it an important point that it is not a good thing but don't make it an issue. State the facts and dont say he is the problem etc.

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                      • #26
                        Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
                        He doesn't take you out anywhere or want to do anything with you? That's hard to believe.

                        Seems like you're more needy while he's more laidback. Keep talking to him and telling him about your needs. Not much else you can do. Men don't change unless they want to.
                        Salaam aleikum wrwb

                        I disagree, I wouldn't keep telling him about my needs, I observe that nagging makes a tense situation worse. You might think that you were not advocating nagging but even polite, soft repetitions could easily come across as an annoying drip.

                        You cannot change another individual. You accept who you marry and if he is distant then you either learn to become a better distraction than his phone or simply get on with your life.

                        I would hope (in shaa Allah) to marry someone a little more balanced in terms of their habits but really, I could think of so many things to do while he was zoning out, I wouldn't be unhappy at all.

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                        • #27
                          Ugh. It is so true when they say you don't know someone until you live with them. Being on your phone that much is so unhealthy and it can cause so many problems in a relationship or in a marriage. I would say have patience. The first year of marriage is hard and it is always going to be testing times. Don't tell him constantly about your needs. This may push him away further. You are both in this marriage, not just you. Try and make him feel more involved in something and try out something new/fun. Get out the house abit more. Suggest ideas, don't push ideas onto him. If this does not work I would suggest you finding a new hobby for yourself maybe? I hope things get better for you InshAllah. Always keep your faith.

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                          • #28
                            Originally posted by Halima27 View Post
                            Ugh. It is so true when they say you don't know someone until you live with them. Being on your phone that much is so unhealthy and it can cause so many problems in a relationship or in a marriage. I would say have patience. The first year of marriage is hard and it is always going to be testing times. Don't tell him constantly about your needs. This may push him away further. You are both in this marriage, not just you. Try and make him feel more involved in something and try out something new/fun. Get out the house abit more. Suggest ideas, don't push ideas onto him. If this does not work I would suggest you finding a new hobby for yourself maybe? I hope things get better for you InshAllah. Always keep your faith.
                            Definately true, but also, shaytan has an agenda with married ppl so it can also be so that he had different intentions before marriage but shaytan got to him...

                            may Allah make it easy Ameen
                            يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

                            O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

                            Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

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                            • #29
                              Stop nagging and demanding attention/time. Come up with a list of activities you can do together on his days off/free time, maybe once a week/few times a month. you make the arrangements etc teach him how to treat you because people don't always know at the beginning. All he will have to do at this stage is put the stupid phone away and do these activities you've arranged. He should learn with time to take initiative to make sure the marriage grows because it can't just be you putting in 100% all the time while he does nothing.

                              If all that doesn't work and he simply refuses to spend any time with you or put any effort into the relationship, then leave because you deserve better. You should never have to beg for a husband's time and attention. You'll find someone who treats you like you deserve to be treated.
                              شَكَوْتُ إلَى وَكِيعٍ سُوءَ حِفْظِي
                              فَأرْشَدَنِي إلَى تَرْكِ المعَاصي
                              وَأخْبَرَنِي بأَنَّ العِلْمَ نُورٌ
                              ونورُ الله لا يهدى لعاصي

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                              • #30
                                Originally posted by Linkdeutscher View Post

                                Son, one hour doesn't seem like much at all.
                                It is isn't length, it is about quality

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