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  • Quality time with the husband

    I got married 3 months ago and moved cities to live where my husband lives and basically these past 2 months, I have realised my husband is just mainly on his phone. So he comes back from work about 5.30 and 90% of the time he will be on his phone till bedtime. The other 10% of the time is probably for eating and gym so his undivided attention, I will get about 10 minutes. I also work part time but when my husband comes home, it is very important to me that we at least spend 1 hour quality time together doing anything that involves putting devices away. We did get to know each other before marriage for about 6 months and I never expected this from him. I have told him so many times, lets put your phone away and spend time together, he will put it away for 10 mins and then its back to square one. Also, the conversation is so dry, he does not make many comments generally whatever I talk about. I know for many woman, they expect quality time in their relationships. I am thinking the state of my marriage will really detoriate if things carry on the way they are because there is a lack of communication.

    Please advice

  • #2
    What about on weekends?

    Comment


    • #3
      He has one day off on the weekend, he works 6 days but even on the weekend, we don't really spend even one hour together without him being on his phone. Last week we were watching a documentary together and 30 mins in, he decides he doesn't want to watch it anymore, fair enough he found it boring but all he likes is watching sports. And he does tell me so many times everyday that he loves me. However, the connection and the personality clicking is not there. Also, I am a sociable person and more of an extrovert. Tbh, I don't know how I can live my whole life like this living with a partner and not having the appreciation and enjoying each other's company. I have made friends and do go out with them but at the end of the day, you see your spouse everyday so spending time together is very important.
      Last edited by s_muslimah; 22-01-18, 10:41 PM.

      Comment


      • #4
        He doesn't take you out anywhere or want to do anything with you? That's hard to believe.

        Seems like you're more needy while he's more laidback. Keep talking to him and telling him about your needs. Not much else you can do. Men don't change unless they want to.

        Comment


        • #5
          I don't know whether it is needy or not. I think its important in any relationship for the bond to be strengthened to give quality time whether its parent giving child time or a husband giving wife time. Are you married? As a man, is it not important for you to spend time with your wife?

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          • #6
            Originally posted by s_muslimah
            I don't know whether it is needy or not. I think its important in any relationship for the bond to be strengthened to give quality time whether its parent giving child time or a husband giving wife time. Are you married? As a man, is it not important for you to spend time with your wife?
            It is important to me. That's why I find it hard to believe that he doesn't want to do anything with you or take you out anywhere, ever.

            Hour long sessions of "quality time" every day after work sound annoying though. Can't blame him if he's not interested.

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            • #7
              You need to talk with him.
              You think you know more than my scholar's qiyās? He was more learned than you and all other scholars combined. Yeah, the devil was the greatest scholar too and look where his qiyās of fire being better than tīn got him. Sorry.

              You follow your scholar's qiyās, and I will follow the Qur'ān and Sunnah.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

                It is important to me. That's why I find it hard to believe that he doesn't want to do anything with you or take you out anywhere, ever.

                Hour long sessions of "quality time" every day after work sound annoying though. Can't blame him if he's not interested.
                Son, one hour doesn't seem like much at all.
                You think you know more than my scholar's qiyās? He was more learned than you and all other scholars combined. Yeah, the devil was the greatest scholar too and look where his qiyās of fire being better than tīn got him. Sorry.

                You follow your scholar's qiyās, and I will follow the Qur'ān and Sunnah.

                Comment


                • #9
                  After work, thats his way of relaxing going on his phone but we are newlyweds, its only been 3 months. At least in the first year he should want to spend time together. Okay if you have 4 hours free after work, to dedicate even 45 mins or 1 hour to your wife shouldn't feel like a chore or something that you can't be bothered to do. In a marriage, especially at the beginning you should enjoy each other's company.

                  Someone wrote on this forum once "Love has many definitions. Not all of us are blessed to have some sort of earth-shattering tale of romance and you can search your whole life and never find that. Those people who have that, well its in their destiny."

                  The sad thing is that he used to spend a few hours daily texting over phone before marriage messaging me so I really never saw this coming.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Linkdeutscher
                    Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

                    It is important to me. That's why I find it hard to believe that he doesn't want to do anything with you or take you out anywhere, ever.

                    Hour long sessions of "quality time" every day after work sound annoying though. Can't blame him if he's not interested.
                    Son, one hour doesn't seem like much at all.
                    After work? Son after work I'm trying to kick back and relax. Not get pestered by my wife. I'm pretty sure most guys are like this.

                    But I do agree husbands shouldn't be selfish and should make an effort to meet their wife's needs.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by s_muslimah View Post
                      I got married 3 months ago and moved cities to live where my husband lives and basically these past 2 months, I have realised my husband is just mainly on his phone. So he comes back from work about 5.30 and 90% of the time he will be on his phone till bedtime. The other 10% of the time is probably for eating and gym so his undivided attention, I will get about 10 minutes. I also work part time but when my husband comes home, it is very important to me that we at least spend 1 hour quality time together doing anything that involves putting devices away. We did get to know each other before marriage for about 6 months and I never expected this from him. I have told him so many times, lets put your phone away and spend time together, he will put it away for 10 mins and then its back to square one. Also, the conversation is so dry, he does not make many comments generally whatever I talk about. I know for many woman, they expect quality time in their relationships. I am thinking the state of my marriage will really detoriate if things carry on the way they are because there is a lack of communication.

                      Please advice
                      Subhanallah,

                      I know very well how you feel as i myself have been there but it was not me, it was my wife who was always on phone. Was married for 4 months, i saw that girl 2 months (the 2months she missed her family so she stayed at their house, couple of days there, couple here etc), in those two month i barely saw her 1hour per day and even that hour she never talked and was playing on phone. I came home at 18.00, she went to bed at 18.30, 19.00 maximum 19.30.... As your husband, i also work 6 days per week and when my wife started acting like that i wished i could work 7 days a week.

                      This drove me crazy, i never expected this either and yes, for a newly married couple this is the worst thing that can actually happen... Being this unserious in a relationship then the relationship will take damage.

                      I divorced my wife after 4 months but it was not mainly due to the amount of time no, it was much other problems which showed up after marriage (lies etc)


                      Im not trying to put you down but im trying to say that i know exactly how you felt.

                      Allhamdulla i married another one now and that girl can not stay 5 minute without me...

                      What i can recommend for you is try to change the environment in the house, cook, ask him to join, find a hobby, try to communicate, tell him to recite quran out loud with you, try to change his addiction to the phone. Joke with him, sit on his lap everytime he picks that phone up.

                      If all that does not work, talk to him, tell him it bothers you. See if he is the kind person or the angry one.

                      If all that does not help, then i feel really sorry for you and may allah give you patience as i know how this made me feel and i honestly regret i read your post as this brought up the bad feelings that im trying to forget.

                      My wife now lives in another country, applied for her to move her but it takes time, 1-2 years. I spent 1½ month with her and went back to my country to continue working. We have been married for almost 5 months. We usually spend 1-3 hours per day video talking (she is the social one, im a good listener)


                      Have some patience, he might change and the phone will mean less to him. If it continues like this for a longer period, try to use same method as him. When he gets bored and wants to talk, just take ur phone up and act like your doing stuff etc. Let him feel how it felt for you if he does not listen.

                      Inshallah one day he will understand, just sad that its the start of the marriage as this time should be a joyful time for you guys.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I have spoken to him many times, I do not think he will change. I am 26 years old so I really can't imagine growing old with him and when we have kids in the future, we will always have a lack of communication. But this world is not Jannah.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
                          He doesn't take you out anywhere or want to do anything with you? That's hard to believe.

                          Seems like you're more needy while he's more laidback. Keep talking to him and telling him about your needs. Not much else you can do. Men don't change unless they want to.
                          Sadly its not brother,

                          This is a common problem among many men... Some men does not care about this, just cause you believe and are one who will do it in the future once you get married it does not mean everyone is.

                          I know few who acts like this, some who are the opposite.

                          Men change, after marriage they change! You cant be the same as you were before marriage as you are after, this will be easier for you to understand once marriage happens for you.

                          After work, yes everyone wants to rest, but it does not mean you can ignore your wife, spend your time on something you like instead. Phone is very addictive and some cant let go of it.

                          You can never understand this unless you live it. May Allah forbid anyone to live this life.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by s_muslimah View Post
                            I have spoken to him many times, I do not think he will change. I am 26 years old so I really can't imagine growing old with him and when we have kids in the future, we will always have a lack of communication. But this world is not Jannah.
                            Then please sister, do not get pregnat!

                            Do like me, tell him your either not ready or that you want to live a bit before getting a baby... incase you were thinking of divorce. Dont get a baby and divorce after as this will only effect you very negative.

                            Whilst some have actually gotten baby and the husband changed completely to better, so a baby can also be solution but also a downfall.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Moddi View Post

                              Subhanallah,

                              I know very well how you feel as i myself have been there but it was not me, it was my wife who was always on phone. Was married for 4 months, i saw that girl 2 months (the 2months she missed her family so she stayed at their house, couple of days there, couple here etc), in those two month i barely saw her 1hour per day and even that hour she never talked and was playing on phone. I came home at 18.00, she went to bed at 18.30, 19.00 maximum 19.30.... As your husband, i also work 6 days per week and when my wife started acting like that i wished i could work 7 days a week.
                              Thanks so much for replying. I know there is some men out there that want to spend some time with there wives. I am so happy for you that you found someone compatible. Inshallah may Allah always bless your marriage with love and mercy always and inshallah I pray you and your wife are reunited soon . Its a long road ahead of me but I just think we are 2 very different people with different expectations of marriage.

                              Before marriage, we both agreed that its really important to give each other time and attention. I will try to make it work for maybe a year and in the meanwhile, I will not have children, after that I will either spend a lifetime of feeling alone in my marriage or leave.

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