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how often do marriages end because of adultery in the muslim communities

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  • Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
    I believe adultery is going strong and one of the reasons for divorces within the muslim community, people may feel embarrassed to tell others that their spouse has had intercourse outside the marriage and there's always that fear of exposing the sin of their spouse. (Adultery isn't always physical, can be emotional but most of the time is the former, and then you have issues with masturbation)

    It's usually kept quite as it effects everyone, 'if he did it, then his sister is an infidel too' etc..as we all know, a woman is to blame for everything, honestly, I really don't want to make this a gender issue but the reality is that women will be blamed even if she's innocent.

    These types of subjects (zina in all its form, including porn, one of the biggest evil plaguing the muslims) are always kept quiet because the muslim communities don't even know how to discuss it properly. It can also be seen as an 'embarrassing' subject because it's hard to address these intimate problems, especially for women, how can they even tell a sheikh my husband doesn't show me much affection without feeling a little bit uncomfortable and being judged as shameless etc..

    it's very tricky, we haven't got the hang of it, it's similar to the menstrual cycle, i'm not saying lets forget our limits and talk about all things 'wild' but there is a need to understand that when there are serious problems we need people to address it and help us with it

    Zina of the eyes is the gate that opens the doors of losing your self respect. How many people don't watch movies, or go to the cinema? Very rare, check out some matrimony profiles claiming they are super pious but 'enjoy movies, going out cinemas regularly'. Nearly every Muslim indulges in watching movies it seems, we all know that can mess your mind, and most movies have some sexual scenes/content, people don't realise how it works and dismiss as a minor thing.

    I have watched movies myself, not even the PG ones are safe. You have kids programmes that have an underlying message, parents will understand what i'm talking about.

    Turn on the tv and it's bombarded with half naked women ALL the time, on the news, for the weather forecast, everywhere and anytime. Why sit there and watch when you know your own weakness? It's a kick off

    Point is, control your eyes and blame your eyes if you lose yourself with someone impermissible for you.

    Yes, no one is perfect but when zina is a real problem for all, why do we allow it into our lives deliberately and then blame another human?

    There was an excellent blog by a male counsellor who had a number of married muslim women that messaged him with problems related to porn and husband's addiction (note, they had to use the internet to sought help anonymously).
    dont blame the men for watching the news weather forecast now



    Comment


    • Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
      I believe adultery is going strong and one of the reasons for divorces within the muslim community, people may feel embarrassed to tell others that their spouse has had intercourse outside the marriage and there's always that fear of exposing the sin of their spouse. (Adultery isn't always physical, can be emotional but most of the time is the former, and then you have issues with masturbation)

      It's usually kept quite as it effects everyone, 'if he did it, then his sister is an infidel too' etc..as we all know, a woman is to blame for everything, honestly, I really don't want to make this a gender issue but the reality is that women will be blamed even if she's innocent.

      These types of subjects (zina in all its form, including porn, one of the biggest evil plaguing the muslims) are always kept quiet because the muslim communities don't even know how to discuss it properly. It can also be seen as an 'embarrassing' subject because it's hard to address these intimate problems, especially for women, how can they even tell a sheikh my husband doesn't show me much affection without feeling a little bit uncomfortable and being judged as shameless etc..

      it's very tricky, we haven't got the hang of it, it's similar to the menstrual cycle, i'm not saying lets forget our limits and talk about all things 'wild' but there is a need to understand that when there are serious problems we need people to address it and help us with it

      Zina of the eyes is the gate that opens the doors of losing your self respect. How many people don't watch movies, or go to the cinema? Very rare, check out some matrimony profiles claiming they are super pious but 'enjoy movies, going out cinemas regularly'. Nearly every Muslim indulges in watching movies it seems, we all know that can mess your mind, and most movies have some sexual scenes/content, people don't realise how it works and dismiss as a minor thing.

      I have watched movies myself, not even the PG ones are safe. You have kids programmes that have an underlying message, parents will understand what i'm talking about.

      Turn on the tv and it's bombarded with half naked women ALL the time, on the news, for the weather forecast, everywhere and anytime. Why sit there and watch when you know your own weakness? It's a kick off

      Point is, control your eyes and blame your eyes if you lose yourself with someone impermissible for you.

      Yes, no one is perfect but when zina is a real problem for all, why do we allow it into our lives deliberately and then blame another human?

      There was an excellent blog by a male counsellor who had a number of married muslim women that messaged him with problems related to porn and husband's addiction (note, they had to use the internet to sought help anonymously).
      Why watch porn when you have a wife!!!!. I'm so confused about this. that is so weird. are men marrying women they don't find attractive?. What is causing this. i hear stories and seen on tv about some couples who don't have sex for some long periods of times, but i never thought it would escalate to a porn addiction.
      Last edited by Luffy1997; 20-01-18, 07:50 AM.

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      • Allahs laws are not bad for us, the way we implement them can be.

        The reason your mum has been divorced 4 times so far is not because arranged marriages are bad and she should get to know a guy before marrying in a haram relationship, the reason she has been in 4 failing marriages is because the wali didn't do a good job in screening the potentials. There are 3 requirements before marrying someone, they are
        1 put your trust in Allah
        2 look for a person who qualifies islamically
        (islam as a whole, not the fact that he prays or fasts, the fact that he fears Allah, he has the akhlaq of a muslim, etc)
        3 willingness to put in effort from both sides
        (if the wife doesnt put effort to look good for her husband when he comes home, he will be thinking of all those woman he saw outside, the woman who did try to look good, the woman with the makeup, miniskirts and hair did, this is the nature of men, she also has to be prepared to receive him with open arms when he comes home, and be prepared to listen to him, preferably have some tea or cakes or dinner ready for him, the house needs to be a place where the husband is happy to come home to, otherwise he will preffer to work overtime etc., but obviously it goes both ways, on his day off the man should put some effort into looking nice for his wife, maybe take her out somewhere, not everything has to cost money, he can also take her out to the park for a walk etc, he has to aso show interest in her. but if both parties are just looking like trash and not showing any interest in eachother nor try to make the other happy then it is evident that they will start thinking about other marriages possibly being better, maybe this woman or that man is better to their husband or wife etc, this is also the goal of shaytan, he loves to destroy marriages, so you shouldnt expect marriage to come wwithout effort)

        so i do agree that arranged marriage is better then having a relationship before nikah, but you need to make sure a man fits the requirements of being a good muslim husband/wife
        يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

        O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

        Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

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        • Originally posted by Luffy1997 View Post

          Why watch porn when you have a wife!!!!. I'm so confused about this. that is so weird. are men marrying women they don't find attractive?. What is causing this. i hear stories and seen on tv about some couples who don't have sex for some long periods of times, but i never thought it would escalate to a porn addiction.
          its quite simple actually , science says that porn desensitizes men over time, and they expect certain things in the bedroom which they think are real in porn but is actually all just fantasy.

          and hence men can't perform themselves and thats when the whole issue begins.



          Comment


          • Originally posted by Luffy1997 View Post

            Why watch porn when you have a wife!!!!. I'm so confused about this. that is so weird. are men marrying women they don't find attractive?. What is causing this. i hear stories and seen on tv about some couples who don't have sex for some long periods of times, but i never thought it would escalate to a porn addiction.
            yes, it's highly disturbing

            noob has made good points, some just feel better looking at animalistic behaviour, it's a fetish issue I suppose like those that meet up with prostitutes or hook up with cheap tarts from the internet

            filth for filth ya know

            some men are attracted to their wives but they're just sick perverts- sorry, is that harsh?

            I hope not

            like I said before, one does not have to be so religious to know the difference between right and wrong, ask a kaffir, an atheist what their take is on adultery is, they'll advice you once a cheater, always a cheater, every human being knows it is wrong, it's about morals

            so when disbelievers can grasp this is wrong, for us muslims, adultery should be non existent or at least on the very bottom of reasons for divorce, but it's not, it's just hidden very well
            'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

            So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

            Comment


            • Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post



              some men are attracted to their wives but they're just sick perverts- sorry, is that harsh?
              Its all about not lowering their gaze, it starts by watching tv shows, when out and about etc. once they are exposed to a little they want more and then when they reach the extreme they become addicts and can't stop.

              Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

              Comment


              • ^that's true

                Also, just to repeat about the reasons for someone cheating, the person being cheated on should never be told or asked if they did something to cause it

                Did the prophet sallalhu ali hissalam ask the adulterer that came to him, if his wife has fulfilled his rights or not? He didn't, this is a sahih narration, feel free to look it up

                The messenger peace be upon him turned his face away from the adulterer until the fourth time when he asked the cheater, if he is married and whether he is mad or not? Then he commanded for the cheater to be stoned to death

                So for the religious folk, please remind yourself if our messenger did not question the person that was being cheated on? Where on earth do we get this mentality from?

                There is no room for that. An adulterer must learn they are not the victims
                And they must live with the consequences (calamity) of their actions
                Last edited by Ya'sin; 22-01-18, 01:26 AM.
                'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                Comment


                • I am losing my patience with editing here Sorry
                  'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                  So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                  Comment


                  • @ Rumaysa '' Where have I met sister I can't stand'' ? Really? This is a serious question ? You've never met a sister you've never gotten along with ? It's weird assuming you get along with every sister you've ever met. Human nature is a little more complicated than that.
                    This made lool

                    ''Most of what I said is discussed before a marriage''
                    Again, is this what you seriously think happens ? Before marriage, both talk in depth about how they think and their psychology? lol
                    In reality, things are very different.
                    When things are discussed, before a marriage, is more specific things like finance and working, and the house.
                    lol, very few people talk in depth about their thoughts, many don't even know why they the things they do. Let alone voice a critical analysis of them.
                    lool, It just doesn't work that way.

                    You seem to see things in a very black and white way, as if life doesn't throw a lot of grey areas out.
                    No one wakes up thinking, 'i'm going to cheat' or what you used as an example the 'i don't like my spouse so i'll just sleep with someone else, to fix anything.''
                    Again, no one thinks like that.
                    Human nature is complex, it's not a linear pattern of slow progress. It's more explosive, and more colorful.
                    What I was saying was the main reason, in my opinion, for looking elsewhere has little to do with sexual intercourse, but has more to do with with a 'hostile' life partner.
                    The truth of the matter is, a lot of sisters become completely uncivil and unsociable. Just because some sister doesn't cheat, does not excuse her from become a belligerent partner. When the home becomes hostile, and the brother is welcomed by negativity and hostility by his own spouse it is obvious there is something missing.
                    That's what causes someone to look elsewhere. Again it's not a pass, but that's the explanation.
                    People run from hostility, It's basic social science, and they usually run into someone else. Then it's usually too late, it is haram, but that is what happens.
                    I was saying this is the reason why many cheat in the muslim community.
                    This is the same for the brothers too, but no one really talks about female social aggression and wonder why men look elsewhere !

                    The last part of your response, again shows naivety. Once your married, a level of sociability has to remain. I'm sorry to say but many of us sisters do assume we can play games, become hostile, the silent treatment, sheer aggression, and expect the husband to not show any sign of discomfort. I've seen it my whole life, we've made a boogeyman out of the 'bad man' and applied it , subconsciously, to all men.
                    This is called entitlement. The thinking where ' I can do as I please, because I can. No matter what I do, he's always to blame ''


                    This type of thinking destroys marriages in the muslim community. Our communities are riddled with this type of thinking. The truth of the matter is, this type of thinking is inherited from mothers. We copy the behaviour we see, and they are instilled in us from a young age.
                    You're type of thinking is way way off. People stay away from zina before marriage because it is 'easier' to stay from that type of temptation because you know there is a near future where you can express yourself accordingly. It might be difficult, but it's doable.
                    But in a marriage, no one is looking for the future because that was the future and the vision ! And if that is breaking, sadly many will look elsewhere. Because that's all they'll have for the rest of their life.
                    Again, it is haram but that's the reasoning.
                    The muslim community need to raise awareness for social skills for both man and woman. And we definitely need to voice female aggression, and why that particular psyche is contributing to the breakdown of marriages. Female aggression is creating more problems for us. Not just in terms of marriage, but also friendships.
                    Needless to say, there are many problems within the male community but female aggression still has to be addressed.


                    I hope you understood what I said,
                    Salaam.

                    Comment


                    • @ Ya sin
                      YSorry, you didn't understand my point.
                      Allow me to clarify, there's more to infidelity than, simply, losing interest or looking elsewhere. (This may happen, but it is more rare)

                      You're absolutely right about marriage should be about working together. The truth is, how realistic is it to live with someone who doesn't listen at all. Who hardly takes ownership for their faults ?
                      It's emotional manipulation, and a lack of gratitude. That type of behavior is toxic.

                      No one looks around to escape, there is simply the lack of a stable marriage that creates discontent. When that's missing, it is obvious people start yearning for companionship, romance, acceptance etc. This is when most people are susceptible to cheating, especially when they interact with other women (free mixing is haram, yes I know ) at work who seem to provide what's missing.
                      Like I said, I really do think we should focus more on social skills for both genders than to teach men they are providers and to earn a good living and go to the gym etc and for women to cook good meals and look beautiful all the time.
                      Marriage, in my opinion, is more to do with companionship and being comfortable with your life partner.

                      No one is giving a pass to men who cheat, but it's a logical explanation as to why many do.
                      There's a limitation to how much a person can stand. The way I see it, the hassle of marrying a second time is a long process which is why so many men succumb to watching pornography, or having an affair at work etc. (haraam, I know )

                      Again, no one wakes up and decides to cheat, it's usually a longer process. In my opinion, this is the reason for infidelity in the muslim community.
                      AGAIN, not a pass and it is completely haraam but it is the reality and if we want a change we are going to have to address the social issues inherent in our communities. for both male and female


                      sorry if this came across as rude
                      Salaam : )

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