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  • putting off marriage becuz...

    salam,

    hey guys, i am new here. i just found about this forums and felt some people are genuinely nice practicing muslims here n give sound advice. Thought i bring for my issue and discuss it.

    I am 33, shy, single-child, muslim guy of pK descent live with my parents here in USA.

    Real reason for me putting of marriage is that i don't have enough savings in my bank. I do work a nice 9-5 job but job security isn't what it was afraid layoffs are coming in few months... i trade forex market part time. I have done super-well in past but market went so bad after brexit that i ended up losing whatever i had. It's the will of Allah, n i accept the qadr and carry on the struggle.

    not having enough financial power, it seems risky for me to be seeking a spouse. I have made financial mistakes in life and suffered for them. I feel my incoming spouse should not suffer because of me. So, i feel, i should put off marriage until i have enough stability because i wana be the perfect husband. I am off view that, i should marry only if i can improve someone's life experience otherwise why get married in first place? where other person is not happy.

    I never been with a woman and wish that i had someone to love n take care (romeo n juiet thing) n share all my feelings with as allah created a soul for each one of us. I have seen lovely couples n horrible couples, its a huge decision in life, so i've been super cautious. I wish that i could have someone like a khadija A.S character who supported her husband in all conditions of life, i really wish i could find someone who values a good character over wealth, because this is the only thing i have right now..i don't look for super models features, just someone above avg. like myself :p with good ikhlaaq n all..

    I know myself. I feel insecure when i don't have enough savings in bank. Everyone has some form of weakness, this is one of mine. i feel reluctant to take on responsibility that i cannot fulfill... i am turning 34 next month n feel i am already late, my old parents desire to see grand kids etc, so this pressure is building up, i feel guilty that i letting everyone down.

    i guess i want to keep everyone happy and fear not being able to meet people's expectations off me.. only thing sooths me is that this is qadr of allah and i put quran vese 2:155 in front of me and continue to the struggles of life.

    so if any advice, you could give...be appreciated.
    Quran 2:155 And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As-Sabirin (the patient ones, etc.).

  • #2
    Mashallah brother sorry to hear about your situation. Your spouse Is half your religion so, if possible in anyway, get married, but make sure you inform your potential of your circumstances before hand.
    And most important thing is to keep striving!

    Comment


    • #3
      salaams to all

      so if your desired level of financial stability never comes, then u wont ever marry?

      just find a simple girl who understands that deen is different from IndoPak culture & tradition
      so she wont get affected by all the stupid unislamic customs that Desi families have when it comes to marriage etc

      u seem to be in a better financial position than most of the guys here
      insha allah, as long as u live a simple life & marry a simple girl, u wont have any problems.

      the MOST important things are:
      be regular with your salaah
      marry a simple, pious girl- ensure she performs her salaah regularly & does not talk to ghair mahrams.
      live seperately - not with your parents
      lead a simple life

      its important to take our parents duaahs but remember that not everything they say or believe is correct.
      many of them attach more importance to doing things in the same way that their parents taught them & the same way its done back home

      if u try to please them in these issues, u will only make life more difficult for yourself & be incurring the displeasure of Allah ta'ala by doing unislamic things in the belief that its correct.

      and Allah ta'ala lknows best
      jazakallah
      Sufyaan Thawri "Whoever is very popular with his relations and neighbours, we suspect him to be compromising in preaching the true teachings of religion."
      very good site for English bayaans in MP3 format-check it out- u wont be disappointed: http://www.musjidnoor.za.net/index.html & http://alhaadi.org.za/majlis-program...downloads.html

      Comment


      • #4
        thx for good advice.

        so if your desired level of financial stability never comes, then u wont ever marry?
        response: honestly, i won't because to me marriage is about being confident in take on such a huge responsibility N if im not stable financially, then my confidence is shaky. May Allah make me strong in the area of tawakul. Although theoretically i believe in it but in practice it's another story(in honesty). I think its mostly cuz allah places this responsibility on men (quran 4:34) Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means...

        So., i should wait till i feel some confidence in fulfilling this responsibility...

        Simple/pious girl is something i always wanted n so did my parents. Do such girls exist here in west? i doubt it or likely taken by-now. So, i guess my option is going back to the east, home(PK) to find the simple girl which is funny cuz I keep hearing times have changed n the backhome girls are not as 'simple' as they use to be. O well' how about i go to the village haha' find someone who hasn't even been to a city? and bring her to the US of A, that'd be something eh?

        wotever allah wills...
        Quran 2:155 And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As-Sabirin (the patient ones, etc.).

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by ForexTraderNYC View Post
          thx for good advice.

          so if your desired level of financial stability never comes, then u wont ever marry?
          response: honestly, i won't because to me marriage is about being confident in take on such a huge responsibility N if im not stable financially, then my confidence is shaky. May Allah make me strong in the area of tawakul. Although theoretically i believe in it but in practice it's another story(in honesty). I think its mostly cuz allah places this responsibility on men (quran 4:34) Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means...

          So., i should wait till i feel some confidence in fulfilling this responsibility...

          Simple/pious girl is something i always wanted n so did my parents. Do such girls exist here in west? i doubt it or likely taken by-now. So, i guess my option is going back to the east, home(PK) to find the simple girl which is funny cuz I keep hearing times have changed n the backhome girls are not as 'simple' as they use to be. O well' how about i go to the village haha' find someone who hasn't even been to a city? and bring her to the US of A, that'd be something eh?

          wotever allah wills...
          salaams to all

          if u can afford to pay the rent & utilities on a small apartment & buy groceries for yourself comfortably, then u can afford to get married.
          if u intend staying with your parents, then u must have a separate kitchen, bathroom etc for you & your wife- that is VERY important.

          and ALWAYS remember that she is NOT obliged to make khidmah of your parents but she has to respect them
          - this is a BIG misconception among IndoPak people which leads to problems in the marriage.
          the parents must also understand that she is here to serve her husband & raise her kids- not to serve her husbands parents.

          there are many simple girls in the west but i do agree that they are harder to find than back home
          and i agree that even in India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, its not like before- more girls have almost the same stupid mindset as most girls in the west.

          but u can still find good girls.
          insha allah, things will work out well for you
          may Allah ta'ala grant you a wife thats the coolness of your eyes.

          looking at your username it seems you trade in Forex- for muslims, anything involving banks, insurance, interest etc isnt advised so its wise to get out if possible- even if you earn a bit less in another job, insha allah there will be barakah in the money.

          and Allah ta'ala knows best
          jazakallah

          Sufyaan Thawri "Whoever is very popular with his relations and neighbours, we suspect him to be compromising in preaching the true teachings of religion."
          very good site for English bayaans in MP3 format-check it out- u wont be disappointed: http://www.musjidnoor.za.net/index.html & http://alhaadi.org.za/majlis-program...downloads.html

          Comment


          • #6
            How do you see your financial prospects in 3-4 years down the line, if they can improve, then I advise to wait. You seem currently short on self confidence and self worth. Not a good frame of my mind to be in, while making important life decisions. You may resent those decisions later, when times change.
            But if you see that things won’t change in future, then yes, go ahead and find someone who is willing to lead a simple life.
            But plz don’t marry to give ur parents grand kids!!!

            Comment


            • #7
              You're 34 - what are you waiting for? Rasoolullah sallalahu alayhi wasallam advised Muslims to get married early. As long as you're earning and able to provide for your wife, you should get married . There's no point in waiting for your financial situation to improve ... to have xyz amount of savings in your account before tying the knot. Who guaranteed you tomorrow? Nothing in this duniya is constant. A millionaire today is bankrupt tomorrow, whereas a penniless person becomes a millionaire. Let's suppose you do have wealth tomorrow, but you don't have health or youth anymore, then, what use will all that wealth be? Instead of dwelling on countless "what if's", have tawakkal and begin seeking a righteous spouse.

              Besides, marriage is a source of increasing rizq & barakah. Your wife will come with her own rizq. There's a narration about a poor person who came to Rasoolallah :saw: and complained of poverty. Rasoolallah :saw: advised him to get married. He lamented within himself that he was unable to make ends meet for himself, how would he ever be able to provide for a wife? However, he heeded Rasoolullah :saw:'s advice and got married. After a few days, he came back to Rasoolullah :saw: and said that Allah had blessed him with lots of prosperity. Rasoolullah :saw: said "Allah had written plenty of rizq for your wife".

              Don't link wealth or lack of it to security, know that Allah is Ar-Razzaq, He provided & took care of you when you were weak & had nothing, so, He Alone is capable of providing for you in all circumstances.

              It's notable that you want to be the perfect husband and provide for your wife in the best way possible, but you should know that married life will have its fair share of ups and downs. All days are not going to be the same. A good spouse will support you through thick and thin.

              Seek a woman with good intentions - for her deen, piety and akhlaaq, irrespective of whether she resides in the West or East. Even the simple, village girls back home can turn out to be villains if your intentions are to attain a maid for you & your family.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by ForexTraderNYC View Post
                salam,

                hey guys, i am new here. i just found about this forums and felt some people are genuinely nice practicing muslims here n give sound advice. Thought i bring for my issue and discuss it.

                I am 33, shy, single-child, muslim guy of pK descent live with my parents here in USA.

                Real reason for me putting of marriage is that i don't have enough savings in my bank. I do work a nice 9-5 job but job security isn't what it was afraid layoffs are coming in few months... i trade forex market part time. I have done super-well in past but market went so bad after brexit that i ended up losing whatever i had. It's the will of Allah, n i accept the qadr and carry on the struggle.

                not having enough financial power, it seems risky for me to be seeking a spouse. I have made financial mistakes in life and suffered for them. I feel my incoming spouse should not suffer because of me. So, i feel, i should put off marriage until i have enough stability because i wana be the perfect husband. I am off view that, i should marry only if i can improve someone's life experience otherwise why get married in first place? where other person is not happy.

                I never been with a woman and wish that i had someone to love n take care (romeo n juiet thing) n share all my feelings with as allah created a soul for each one of us. I have seen lovely couples n horrible couples, its a huge decision in life, so i've been super cautious. I wish that i could have someone like a khadija A.S character who supported her husband in all conditions of life, i really wish i could find someone who values a good character over wealth, because this is the only thing i have right now..i don't look for super models features, just someone above avg. like myself :p with good ikhlaaq n all..

                I know myself. I feel insecure when i don't have enough savings in bank. Everyone has some form of weakness, this is one of mine. i feel reluctant to take on responsibility that i cannot fulfill... i am turning 34 next month n feel i am already late, my old parents desire to see grand kids etc, so this pressure is building up, i feel guilty that i letting everyone down.

                i guess i want to keep everyone happy and fear not being able to meet people's expectations off me.. only thing sooths me is that this is qadr of allah and i put quran vese 2:155 in front of me and continue to the struggles of life.

                so if any advice, you could give...be appreciated.
                Wa'alaikumsalam wr wb,
                I wish I could give more advise for you myself but basically Im almost in the same situation as you. I know those feelings.
                Important thing is don't stop searching.
                These words were mentioned to me last time , now I share them with you.
                InshaAllah your financial needs will be taken care of.So don't worry. Rizq gets better than it already was once you are married, a lot of people mention this.

                But I can understand what you are saying, we need the money to provide house, food etc.
                Can try to get subsidies and financial aid inshaAllah.

                I think when we see others , it kind of scares us and we begin to force to conform to society's standards like their form of happiness.
                the thinking and mentality have to change. I know i am one to say, but i thought so myself.

                real happiness is not about financial , its also about just the simple things that matter in life.
                Allah Subḥānahu wa-taʿālā has mentioned in the Quran in chapter Surah Al-Ahzab:21 There has certainly been for you in the Messenger of Allah an excellent pattern for anyone whose hope is in Allah and the Last Day and [who] remembers Allah often.

                Comment


                • #9
                  34 can be seen as old because I would ask why it took you so long and if you've had other relationships or not while you were single, you work in the city so that would naturally make me suspicious because your working environment is hectic and you probably see women dressed in a way that 'tempts'

                  if your financial goals are unrealistic then you're wasting your time delaying marriage

                  Money is important but there's no guarantee what will happen next, you're not in control of rizq.

                  Main questions you should ask yourself are, can you provide shelter, food, central heating, basic toiletries, basic clothing, basic transport for an extra human being? Or are you looking for someone who is into big names like Gucci and whatever the others are lmso, van goldof or benga senga, if so, that's your choice and yes you will have to wait to get rich because the basic necessities will not be enough for them

                  Some girls like the idea of a dual income, you might find that more suitable for you, obviously she'll be working too so you both share the income and this has to be agreed before the marriage

                  Get your parents/family to start looking, if you don't look you won't know what is available

                  i'm surprised you describe the romeo and juliet thing :/ that's kinda hmm you're 34 bro, come on, get out of it lol. I don't mean to be MEAN but get out of that kind of fantasy, be real, yes you can find someone compatible but don't go overboard with fantasies, it's not healthy, they die for each other, shirk or what

                  I hope you don't watch Disney, urgh, lol, don't feel low about your finance as long as you make it clear what you want and how much you earn

                  Makes lots of dua daily





                  'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                  So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I don't get it, you have a job, a place to live, hopefully some savings in case you lose your job and have to get back into another. Just get married, most women are satisfied with a good Muslim man who has a job and goals.
                    Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Marry a bright lady, she'll help u make better financial decisions!

                      *
                      *
                      * typing from my phone, excuse the mess

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        My advice is know a person for one complete year before you get married, also my next advice don't have children until 10 year mark. This way all problems that comes when you bring someone new in your life will be filtered out within the ten years mark. This way you would know if you can stand each other and that is the person you want to be with for the rest of your life.Then after ten years have a child, this will make sure the child is within two family home or else you will be part of the large statistic of children raised by single mom and you are somewhere in the world just sending money to the child and then she will find someone else to get married and the child be will be taking care off by the new man while you are sending cheque. I don't think that is a good setting. Don't get hurry and have children...know the person, know the person, know the person and never ignore the red flags ever!
                        Last edited by A500DaBest; 04-01-18, 01:23 AM.
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                        Comment


                        • #13
                          thanks everyone for your honest feedback/advice on my condition. I have taken note of everyone advice. May Allah give you all ajar for it.

                          Something that stood out is someoneone mentioned i need to work on my self-esteem/worth & that struck me that How am i suppose to love someone, if i don't love myself first? and yes bro' your right living consciously fully keeping eyes open, if someone comes along as it is Qadr' i'll meet her somehow. A lot of times, i came across nice girls but never approached them. I'll have to get out of my shell and avoid the hesitation of approaching girls but before that i think its time to refine myself n mentally prepare myself, plan out scenarios N how to practically approach someone. If i still idle, one thing is for sure, no wife is going to land from the sky right onto my lap. So, ya a lil effort in my part is a must... have tawakkul and tie the camll said rasool (pbuh)

                          I always believed in living consciously to the fullest without compromising my deen. All was going as planned but Allah had diff plan. The lose of wealth got me lil' discouraged but it's not over till it's over, i'll make a comeback recover build myself strong mentally/physically/financially be iznillah, InshaAllah. Keep your brada' in dua'

                          Quran 2:155 And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As-Sabirin (the patient ones, etc.).

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by ForexTraderNYC View Post
                            thanks everyone for your honest feedback/advice on my condition. I have taken note of everyone advice. May Allah give you all ajar for it.

                            Something that stood out is someoneone mentioned i need to work on my self-esteem/worth & that struck me that How am i suppose to love someone, if i don't love myself first? and yes bro' your right living consciously fully keeping eyes open, if someone comes along as it is Qadr' i'll meet her somehow. A lot of times, i came across nice girls but never approached them. I'll have to get out of my shell and avoid the hesitation of approaching girls but before that i think its time to refine myself n mentally prepare myself, plan out scenarios N how to practically approach someone. If i still idle, one thing is for sure, no wife is going to land from the sky right onto my lap. So, ya a lil effort in my part is a must... have tawakkul and tie the camll said rasool (pbuh)

                            I always believed in living consciously to the fullest without compromising my deen. All was going as planned but Allah had diff plan. The lose of wealth got me lil' discouraged but it's not over till it's over, i'll make a comeback recover build myself strong mentally/physically/financially be iznillah, InshaAllah. Keep your brada' in dua'
                            InshaAllah
                            Allah Subḥānahu wa-taʿālā has mentioned in the Quran in chapter Surah Al-Ahzab:21 There has certainly been for you in the Messenger of Allah an excellent pattern for anyone whose hope is in Allah and the Last Day and [who] remembers Allah often.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Asalamu Alaikum


                              Get married ASAP, before you get too old.

                              Comment

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