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Salaam All,
I am in quite a bind that I don't know how to get out of and hoping to get some advice. I am a 41 yr old female, unmarried, and live with my parents. About 13 years ago, I moved out from my parents house to go to grad school (I left for undergraduate studies as well but moved back home afterwards). About 10 years ago, my parents bought a house in the state that I went to school in (it is a city/state they also had family and were thinking of moving to anyway). I moved into the new house they bought and things were going ok at first (I saved money on rent and they were not really controlling or anything, so my life did not get much affected). Unfortunately, about 8 years ago, my mother got sick. Part of her sickness involved her having adverse affects to medication. One of the adverse reactions was depression. So her sister (without really consulting with us) ended up putting her on an antidepressant. The medication really changed her personality and made her both anxious and aggressive. She was also told to go on blood pressure medication a few years after that, which also really changed her personality and gave her extreme anxiety. We should have really not started her on the blood pressure medication because I don't think she needed it.
Anyway, while she was on these medications, she became too unstable to be left alone and also too unstable for my dad alone to manager her. I was forced to stay home and pretty much sacrifice my social life to watch her. My sister and brother from out-of-state also moved to the house (my sister has since moved out to an apartment of her own less than an hour away) and my brother is still here at home. All three of us were managing this chaotic situation for years. Also, hospitals or inpatient facilities were not an option because insurance doesn't cover those for more than a month--we were stuck. We also used a home nurse sometimes, which my siblings and I split the cost of (my dad/parents didn't pay for any of it but we figured it's ok since we were living at home).
We finally realized she did not need any of this medicaiton and it was the mediation that was causing all of her problems. We slowly got her off of all of the medications (which, if you know anything about antidepressants, can cause really bad withdrawal, including panic attacks, aggression, etc.). The entire time this was going on, my social life suffered tremendously. I barely had a moment to spend with friends, go out, do things, let alone focus on marriage (the thought of marriage with what was going on with my mom was out of the question for all 3 of us--quite tragic).
Anyway, it has been a little over a year since we stopped all the medications and while her mood has improved a lot since when she was on the medications, she is still not independent. She has anxiety about going outside quite often and doesn't go to her doctor's appointments or anywhere really. Her mood is pretty good in the house, though, except that she has extreme cravings for carbs and unhealthy foods. If her children tell her no to these foods & tries to control her diet, she listens to us, but if my dad tells her no, she fights with him and can get aggressive. These symptoms are supposed to improve with time (from what I've heard), but in the meantime, she is still dependent and my parents can't be left alone at length.
Since COVID, my brother and I have been working form home and helping to watch my mother and make sure everything is ok at home. But I am at a point now where I realize this can't go on (especially as I saw how removing the medication from her did not bring her immediately back to her previous state...it may still take a few more years). But in the meantime, the social lives of their children (especially the 2 that live at home with them) is suffering. None of their kids are married and, although my mom brings it up regularly, my dad doesn't seem to even care about that. Is that not strange? He has mentioned at times (when we all get upset at the situation) that he will take her name off of the house deed and use her 401K money to pay to take care of her (but once we all calm down nothing of the sort happens). He is not paying for a home health care worker right now and is relying on my brother and I to watch her during the day (while he runs errands). I honestly don't know how he thinks the current situation is ok for his children. I know he is in a tough spot, too, but both he and my mom have 401K plans, pension checks, my mom gets social security checks, and they live in a house worth $800K (with the mortgage almost paid off). I don't even make much money and have only a fraction of that type of money saved up. I don't own a home or anything...just a car.
It doesn't seem fair that their kids lives should suffer this much if they have money to do something about it. But my dad doesn't seem to want to spend money on my mom's health. He would prefer to use his children for that and, in the process, have his children sacrifice their future and any possibility of a family (especially me--his daughter). As each day progresses, I get more and more hopeless and upset and wonder why none of this phases him. Isn't it weird that a father doesn't care that his children, especially his daughters, are married with their own families at the age we are? I should also mention that the times that the issue of marriage for me would come up in the past (like if a family would ask about me) he would get uncomfortable and didn't seem like he liked the topic (very bizarre). I think he would be perfectly happy if I never got married and just lived with them until I died. I am so frustrated. This is not a life. I need advice on what to do!
What is the Islamic obligation of my father under this situation? (both in terms of behavior and money). What about my brother? I am also upset at him that he doesn't realize things are different for men and women (like the age window to get married or have kids). He seems to also not be bothered that I am not married--or not bothered enough to take a lead on taking care of my mom or figure out another solution. I know it is tough for all of us, but it just seems like a cultural breakdown. What is happening in our home is against the culture we are from. Daughters aren't expected to sacrifice marriage/family to take care of their parents, whether from sickness or old age. They also didn't follow American culture either (where parents figure things out without relying on their kids so much). I'm so lost and confused and feel like my life is pretty much over, tbh. I have very little hope for my future. Please advise.
I am in quite a bind that I don't know how to get out of and hoping to get some advice. I am a 41 yr old female, unmarried, and live with my parents. About 13 years ago, I moved out from my parents house to go to grad school (I left for undergraduate studies as well but moved back home afterwards). About 10 years ago, my parents bought a house in the state that I went to school in (it is a city/state they also had family and were thinking of moving to anyway). I moved into the new house they bought and things were going ok at first (I saved money on rent and they were not really controlling or anything, so my life did not get much affected). Unfortunately, about 8 years ago, my mother got sick. Part of her sickness involved her having adverse affects to medication. One of the adverse reactions was depression. So her sister (without really consulting with us) ended up putting her on an antidepressant. The medication really changed her personality and made her both anxious and aggressive. She was also told to go on blood pressure medication a few years after that, which also really changed her personality and gave her extreme anxiety. We should have really not started her on the blood pressure medication because I don't think she needed it.
Anyway, while she was on these medications, she became too unstable to be left alone and also too unstable for my dad alone to manager her. I was forced to stay home and pretty much sacrifice my social life to watch her. My sister and brother from out-of-state also moved to the house (my sister has since moved out to an apartment of her own less than an hour away) and my brother is still here at home. All three of us were managing this chaotic situation for years. Also, hospitals or inpatient facilities were not an option because insurance doesn't cover those for more than a month--we were stuck. We also used a home nurse sometimes, which my siblings and I split the cost of (my dad/parents didn't pay for any of it but we figured it's ok since we were living at home).
We finally realized she did not need any of this medicaiton and it was the mediation that was causing all of her problems. We slowly got her off of all of the medications (which, if you know anything about antidepressants, can cause really bad withdrawal, including panic attacks, aggression, etc.). The entire time this was going on, my social life suffered tremendously. I barely had a moment to spend with friends, go out, do things, let alone focus on marriage (the thought of marriage with what was going on with my mom was out of the question for all 3 of us--quite tragic).
Anyway, it has been a little over a year since we stopped all the medications and while her mood has improved a lot since when she was on the medications, she is still not independent. She has anxiety about going outside quite often and doesn't go to her doctor's appointments or anywhere really. Her mood is pretty good in the house, though, except that she has extreme cravings for carbs and unhealthy foods. If her children tell her no to these foods & tries to control her diet, she listens to us, but if my dad tells her no, she fights with him and can get aggressive. These symptoms are supposed to improve with time (from what I've heard), but in the meantime, she is still dependent and my parents can't be left alone at length.
Since COVID, my brother and I have been working form home and helping to watch my mother and make sure everything is ok at home. But I am at a point now where I realize this can't go on (especially as I saw how removing the medication from her did not bring her immediately back to her previous state...it may still take a few more years). But in the meantime, the social lives of their children (especially the 2 that live at home with them) is suffering. None of their kids are married and, although my mom brings it up regularly, my dad doesn't seem to even care about that. Is that not strange? He has mentioned at times (when we all get upset at the situation) that he will take her name off of the house deed and use her 401K money to pay to take care of her (but once we all calm down nothing of the sort happens). He is not paying for a home health care worker right now and is relying on my brother and I to watch her during the day (while he runs errands). I honestly don't know how he thinks the current situation is ok for his children. I know he is in a tough spot, too, but both he and my mom have 401K plans, pension checks, my mom gets social security checks, and they live in a house worth $800K (with the mortgage almost paid off). I don't even make much money and have only a fraction of that type of money saved up. I don't own a home or anything...just a car.
It doesn't seem fair that their kids lives should suffer this much if they have money to do something about it. But my dad doesn't seem to want to spend money on my mom's health. He would prefer to use his children for that and, in the process, have his children sacrifice their future and any possibility of a family (especially me--his daughter). As each day progresses, I get more and more hopeless and upset and wonder why none of this phases him. Isn't it weird that a father doesn't care that his children, especially his daughters, are married with their own families at the age we are? I should also mention that the times that the issue of marriage for me would come up in the past (like if a family would ask about me) he would get uncomfortable and didn't seem like he liked the topic (very bizarre). I think he would be perfectly happy if I never got married and just lived with them until I died. I am so frustrated. This is not a life. I need advice on what to do!
What is the Islamic obligation of my father under this situation? (both in terms of behavior and money). What about my brother? I am also upset at him that he doesn't realize things are different for men and women (like the age window to get married or have kids). He seems to also not be bothered that I am not married--or not bothered enough to take a lead on taking care of my mom or figure out another solution. I know it is tough for all of us, but it just seems like a cultural breakdown. What is happening in our home is against the culture we are from. Daughters aren't expected to sacrifice marriage/family to take care of their parents, whether from sickness or old age. They also didn't follow American culture either (where parents figure things out without relying on their kids so much). I'm so lost and confused and feel like my life is pretty much over, tbh. I have very little hope for my future. Please advise.
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