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Mother getting sick has ruined my life. Father doesn't seem to care. Need advice!

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  • Mother getting sick has ruined my life. Father doesn't seem to care. Need advice!

    Salaam All,

    I am in quite a bind that I don't know how to get out of and hoping to get some advice. I am a 41 yr old female, unmarried, and live with my parents. About 13 years ago, I moved out from my parents house to go to grad school (I left for undergraduate studies as well but moved back home afterwards). About 10 years ago, my parents bought a house in the state that I went to school in (it is a city/state they also had family and were thinking of moving to anyway). I moved into the new house they bought and things were going ok at first (I saved money on rent and they were not really controlling or anything, so my life did not get much affected). Unfortunately, about 8 years ago, my mother got sick. Part of her sickness involved her having adverse affects to medication. One of the adverse reactions was depression. So her sister (without really consulting with us) ended up putting her on an antidepressant. The medication really changed her personality and made her both anxious and aggressive. She was also told to go on blood pressure medication a few years after that, which also really changed her personality and gave her extreme anxiety. We should have really not started her on the blood pressure medication because I don't think she needed it.

    Anyway, while she was on these medications, she became too unstable to be left alone and also too unstable for my dad alone to manager her. I was forced to stay home and pretty much sacrifice my social life to watch her. My sister and brother from out-of-state also moved to the house (my sister has since moved out to an apartment of her own less than an hour away) and my brother is still here at home. All three of us were managing this chaotic situation for years. Also, hospitals or inpatient facilities were not an option because insurance doesn't cover those for more than a month--we were stuck. We also used a home nurse sometimes, which my siblings and I split the cost of (my dad/parents didn't pay for any of it but we figured it's ok since we were living at home).

    We finally realized she did not need any of this medicaiton and it was the mediation that was causing all of her problems. We slowly got her off of all of the medications (which, if you know anything about antidepressants, can cause really bad withdrawal, including panic attacks, aggression, etc.). The entire time this was going on, my social life suffered tremendously. I barely had a moment to spend with friends, go out, do things, let alone focus on marriage (the thought of marriage with what was going on with my mom was out of the question for all 3 of us--quite tragic).

    Anyway, it has been a little over a year since we stopped all the medications and while her mood has improved a lot since when she was on the medications, she is still not independent. She has anxiety about going outside quite often and doesn't go to her doctor's appointments or anywhere really. Her mood is pretty good in the house, though, except that she has extreme cravings for carbs and unhealthy foods. If her children tell her no to these foods & tries to control her diet, she listens to us, but if my dad tells her no, she fights with him and can get aggressive. These symptoms are supposed to improve with time (from what I've heard), but in the meantime, she is still dependent and my parents can't be left alone at length.

    Since COVID, my brother and I have been working form home and helping to watch my mother and make sure everything is ok at home. But I am at a point now where I realize this can't go on (especially as I saw how removing the medication from her did not bring her immediately back to her previous state...it may still take a few more years). But in the meantime, the social lives of their children (especially the 2 that live at home with them) is suffering. None of their kids are married and, although my mom brings it up regularly, my dad doesn't seem to even care about that. Is that not strange? He has mentioned at times (when we all get upset at the situation) that he will take her name off of the house deed and use her 401K money to pay to take care of her (but once we all calm down nothing of the sort happens). He is not paying for a home health care worker right now and is relying on my brother and I to watch her during the day (while he runs errands). I honestly don't know how he thinks the current situation is ok for his children. I know he is in a tough spot, too, but both he and my mom have 401K plans, pension checks, my mom gets social security checks, and they live in a house worth $800K (with the mortgage almost paid off). I don't even make much money and have only a fraction of that type of money saved up. I don't own a home or anything...just a car.

    It doesn't seem fair that their kids lives should suffer this much if they have money to do something about it. But my dad doesn't seem to want to spend money on my mom's health. He would prefer to use his children for that and, in the process, have his children sacrifice their future and any possibility of a family (especially me--his daughter). As each day progresses, I get more and more hopeless and upset and wonder why none of this phases him. Isn't it weird that a father doesn't care that his children, especially his daughters, are married with their own families at the age we are? I should also mention that the times that the issue of marriage for me would come up in the past (like if a family would ask about me) he would get uncomfortable and didn't seem like he liked the topic (very bizarre). I think he would be perfectly happy if I never got married and just lived with them until I died. I am so frustrated. This is not a life. I need advice on what to do!

    What is the Islamic obligation of my father under this situation? (both in terms of behavior and money). What about my brother? I am also upset at him that he doesn't realize things are different for men and women (like the age window to get married or have kids). He seems to also not be bothered that I am not married--or not bothered enough to take a lead on taking care of my mom or figure out another solution. I know it is tough for all of us, but it just seems like a cultural breakdown. What is happening in our home is against the culture we are from. Daughters aren't expected to sacrifice marriage/family to take care of their parents, whether from sickness or old age. They also didn't follow American culture either (where parents figure things out without relying on their kids so much). I'm so lost and confused and feel like my life is pretty much over, tbh. I have very little hope for my future. Please advise.

  • #2
    Originally posted by Pandora525 View Post
    Salaam All,

    I'm so lost and confused and feel like my life is pretty much over, tbh. I have very little hope for my future.
    alaykum salam wa rahmat allah
    Originally posted by Pandora525 View Post
    I was forced to stay home and pretty much sacrifice my social life to watch her
    didnt she sacrifice more than her social life to look after you when you was young ?

    Originally posted by Pandora525 View Post
    . I barely had a moment to spend with friends, go out, do things,
    but you mother wasted her entire life to take care of you and your brothers mabe she should of went to spend time with her friends and go out do things instead

    ​​​​​​​
    Originally posted by Pandora525 View Post
    He is not paying for a home health care worker
    iimagine having a bunch of kids that instead of fighting over who takes care of you they want to hire some health care worker

    ​​​​​​​
    Originally posted by Pandora525 View Post
    I honestly don't know how he thinks the current situation is ok for his children
    yea because your parents are responsible for you untill they die not that after they get old responsibility switch to you to take care of them

    ​​​​​​​
    Originally posted by Pandora525 View Post
    I don't own a home or anything...just a car.
    you own just a car ? what a shame not that everything you own is gone once you die or even before that and the only thing that will remain and have value after death is you taking care of your parents

    ​​​​​​​
    Originally posted by Pandora525 View Post
    It doesn't seem fair that their kids lives should suffer this much if they have money to do something about it
    it not fair at all to expect your kids to have your back after all those years you spent wasting your life growing them up but your parents are part of the issue if they didnt raise you upon islamic teachings once shouldnt expect much from hes kids to e honest if you treat them like cattle feed them take them to the doctor buy them clothes focus on materialistic things basicly while neglecting the most important part wich is the purpose of life

    ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
    Originally posted by Pandora525 View Post
    in the process, have his children sacrifice their future and any possibility of a family
    yea sacrificing is only for parents they should allways sacrifice untill they die

    ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
    Originally posted by Pandora525 View Post
    Isn't it weird that a father doesn't care that his children, especially his daughters, are married with their own families at the age we are?
    its not the job of your father only your brothers should help you find a proper husband aswell

    ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
    Originally posted by Pandora525 View Post
    I should also mention that the times that the issue of marriage for me would come up in the past (like if a family would ask about me) he would get uncomfortable and didn't seem like he liked the topic (very bizarre)
    if your father dosent agree then your brothers can take hes place as long as the one who propose is a proper muslim individual

    ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
    Originally posted by Pandora525 View Post
    I think he would be perfectly happy if I never got married and just lived with them until I died
    i doubt that most father want to see the children of their sons and daughters

    ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
    Originally posted by Pandora525 View Post
    I am so frustrated. This is not a life
    ofcourse this is not a life muslims starving in yemen or living in tents in sirya or getting held in china concentration camps are definitely having a better life than you

    ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
    Originally posted by Pandora525 View Post
    What is the Islamic obligation of my father under this situation?
    your father is financially responsible for you and your mother however if he cant do it on hes own you should help him

    ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
    Originally posted by Pandora525 View Post
    What about my brother?
    he should help you get married


    ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
    Originally posted by Pandora525 View Post
    He seems to also not be bothered that I am not married--
    ask him to help you get married

    ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
    Originally posted by Pandora525 View Post
    What is happening in our home is against the culture we are from.
    our reference is islam not cultures

    ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
    Originally posted by Pandora525 View Post
    Daughters aren't expected to sacrifice marriage/family to take care of their parents,
    sacrificing marriage isnt necessary for you to take care of your parents you can still do both you can be a good wife and take care of your husband and also take care of your parents


    ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
    Originally posted by Pandora525 View Post
    American culture
    is trash

    ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
    Originally posted by Pandora525 View Post
    (where parents figure things out without relying on their kids so much).
    yes survival for the fittest and natural selection
    parents shouldnt rely on their kids after years wasted growing them up why even bother having kids at all


    ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
    Originally posted by Pandora525 View Post
    I'm so lost and confused
    learning more about islam should clear this confusion

    ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
    Originally posted by Pandora525 View Post
    my life is pretty much over, tbh I have very little hope for my future
    yes muslim people around the world from the ones getting shot and murdered in palestine to the ones held in concentration camps in china are having a better life and a brighter future than you

    ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
    Originally posted by Pandora525 View Post
    Please advise.
    ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​learn proper islam


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    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Hamza1416 View Post

      alaykum salam wa rahmat allah

      didnt she sacrifice more than her social life to look after you when you was young ?


      but you mother wasted her entire life to take care of you and your brothers mabe she should of went to spend time with her friends and go out do things instead


      iimagine having a bunch of kids that instead of fighting over who takes care of you they want to hire some health care worker

      ​​​​​​​
      yea because your parents are responsible for you untill they die not that after they get old responsibility switch to you to take care of them

      ​​​​​​​
      you own just a car ? what a shame not that everything you own is gone once you die or even before that and the only thing that will remain and have value after death is you taking care of your parents

      ​​​​​​​
      it not fair at all to expect your kids to have your back after all those years you spent wasting your life growing them up but your parents are part of the issue if they didnt raise you upon islamic teachings once shouldnt expect much from hes kids to e honest if you treat them like cattle feed them take them to the doctor buy them clothes focus on materialistic things basicly while neglecting the most important part wich is the purpose of life

      ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
      yea sacrificing is only for parents they should allways sacrifice untill they die

      ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
      its not the job of your father only your brothers should help you find a proper husband aswell

      ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
      if your father dosent agree then your brothers can take hes place as long as the one who propose is a proper muslim individual

      ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
      i doubt that most father want to see the children of their sons and daughters

      ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
      ofcourse this is not a life muslims starving in yemen or living in tents in sirya or getting held in china concentration camps are definitely having a better life than you

      ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
      your father is financially responsible for you and your mother however if he cant do it on hes own you should help him

      ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
      he should help you get married


      ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
      ask him to help you get married

      ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
      our reference is islam not cultures

      ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
      sacrificing marriage isnt necessary for you to take care of your parents you can still do both you can be a good wife and take care of your husband and also take care of your parents


      ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
      is trash

      ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
      yes survival for the fittest and natural selection
      parents shouldnt rely on their kids after years wasted growing them up why even bother having kids at all


      ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
      learning more about islam should clear this confusion

      ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
      yes muslim people around the world from the ones getting shot and murdered in palestine to the ones held in concentration camps in china are having a better life and a brighter future than you

      ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
      ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​learn proper islam


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      What a disgusting response. There is seriously something wrong with the people on this message board. What a waste of time. Never coming here again. What a mistake. Judgmental condescending ghools. And for the record, a child is not supposed to sacrifice their lives for their parents, you losers.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Pandora525 View Post

        What a disgusting response. There is seriously something wrong with the people on this message board. What a waste of time. Never coming here again. What a mistake. Judgmental condescending ghools. And for the record, a child is not supposed to sacrifice their lives for their parents, you losers.
        That guy doesn't represent this forum, I think most users know he's very immature and don't take him seriously.
        You think you know more than my scholar's qiyās? He was more learned than you and all other scholars combined. Yeah, the devil was the greatest scholar too and look where his qiyās of fire being better than tīn got him. Sorry.

        You follow your scholar's qiyās, and I will follow the Qur'ān and Sunnah.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Pandora525 View Post

          What a disgusting response. There is seriously something wrong with the people on this message board. What a waste of time. Never coming here again. What a mistake. Judgmental condescending ghools. And for the record, a child is not supposed to sacrifice their lives for their parents, you losers.
          Haha.

          ’Pandora’ the 41 year old child.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Linkdeutscher View Post

            That guy doesn't represent this forum, I think most users know he's very immature and don't take him seriously.
            What did hamza say that was so wrong?

            He was pretty much right

            The op just couldn't accept the truth maybe she was looking for an answer that suited him

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Pandora525 View Post

              a child is not supposed to sacrifice their lives for their parents, you losers.
              of course only parents are suppose to sacrifice their lifes for their childrens. true winners leave their parents for natural selection

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post

                What did hamza say that was so wrong?

                He was pretty much right

                The op just couldn't accept the truth maybe she was looking for an answer that suited him
                Firstly it's a sister.

                Secondly parents are the ones who choose to give birth so they are choosing to sacrifice their lives for their children.

                I'm not sure why hiring a care worker for the mum is so unacceptable, unless you have experience caring for someone day in day out you really shouldn't behave as if this job is a cake walk.

                Burnout is a very common thing among family carers and rather than look down upon them and think of them as bad Muslims for wanting some time to themselves we should support them to find a good solution, perhaps they could arrange for a carer to pop in sometimes, maybe suggest a better system of managing their mum's care, maybe a change of doctor is necessary etc.


                Last edited by hasan2013; 17-05-22, 11:59 AM.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Pandora525 View Post

                  What a disgusting response. There is seriously something wrong with the people on this message board. What a waste of time. Never coming here again. What a mistake. Judgmental condescending ghools. And for the record, a child is not supposed to sacrifice their lives for their parents, you losers.
                  You shouldn't let this one person affect your opinion of the whole forum.

                  Focus on the brothers and sisters who have given you kind, helpful responses insh'Allah.
                  Last edited by hasan2013; 17-05-22, 12:00 PM.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by hasan2013 View Post

                    Firstly it's a sister.

                    Secondly parents are the ones who choose to give birth so they are choosing to sacrifice their lives for their children.

                    I'm not sure why hiring a care worker for the mum is so unacceptable, unless you have experience caring for someone day in day out you really shouldn't behave as if this job is a cake walk.

                    Burnout is a very common thing among family carers and rather than look down upon them and think of them as bad Muslims for wanting some time to themselves we should support them to find a good solution, perhaps they could arrange for a carer to pop in sometimes, maybe suggest a better system of managing their mum's care, maybe a change of doctor is necessary etc.

                    'Ata' ibn Yasar said that a man came to Ibn 'Abbas and said, "I asked a woman to marry me and she refused to marry me. Another man asked her and she agreed to marry him. I became jealous and killed her. Is there any way
                    for me to repent?" He asked, "Is your mother alive?" "No," he replied. He said, "repent to Allah Almighty and try to draw near Him as much as you can." So I went and asked Ibn `Abbas why he inquired about the man's mother. He replied: "I don't know of a deed closer to Allah, Exalted and Majestic, other than dutifulness to the mother."
                    Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 4
                    Book 1 Hadith 4
                    Grade SahihGraded By Al-Albani


                    Sa'id ibn Abi Burda said, "I heard my father say that Ibn 'Umar saw a Yamani man going around the House while carrying his mother on his back, saying, 'I am your humble camel. If her mount is frightened, I am not frightened.' Then he asked, 'Ibn 'Umar? Do you think that I have repaid her?'
                    He replied, 'No, not even for a single groan.'
                    Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 11
                    Book 1 Hadith 11
                    Grade SahihGraded By Al-Albani


                    Abu Hurayra reported: "A man came to the Prophet (ﷺ) of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, and asked, 'What do you command me to do?' He replied, 'Be dutiful towards your mother.' Then he asked him the same question again and he replied, 'Be dutiful towards your mother.' He repeated it yet again and the Prophet (ﷺ) replied, 'Be dutiful towards your mother.' Then he put the question a fourth time and the Prophet (ﷺ) said, 'Be dutiful towards
                    your father.'"
                    Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 6
                    Book 1 Hadith 6

                    Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with her) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “Let him be humbled into dust; let him be humbled into dust; Let him be humbled into dust. It was said: O Messenger of Allah! Who is he? He said: He who sees either of his parents during their old age or he sees both of them, but he does not enter Paradise.” (Sahih Muslim, no: 2551)

                    The meaning of this Hadith is that serving one’s parents especially when they are old is a means of entering paradise, hence the one who missed this opportunity of entering paradise by serving them has indeed incurred a great loss. (See: Commentary of Sahih Muslim by Imam al-Nawawi


                    After Allah mentions to worship him he mentions be dutiful to parents which shows the seriousness and the upmost importance to taking care of parents

                    And it's a childs duty to take care of his parents and lower their wings out of mercy for them and be dutiful to them.

                    To say the parent chose to sacrifice their life for their child as if that removes accountability from the child is ignorant as ahadith and Quran shows children have to take care of their parents
                    Last edited by Abu julaybeeb; 17-05-22, 12:21 PM.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Have a child and see how you have to clean them feed them change them put them to sleep wash them

                      Then you will appreciate your parents

                      Just as they took care of us at young age we must take care of them at old age



                      This is not at op this is at hasan
                      Last edited by Abu julaybeeb; 17-05-22, 12:22 PM.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post

                        What did hamza say that was so wrong?

                        He was pretty much right

                        The op just couldn't accept the truth maybe she was looking for an answer that suited him
                        People like you are why Muslim countries are all in the garbage dump and why the West is excelling. They know better how to raise and take care of children instead of using them like slaves. Tew (spit) on all of you

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Hamza1416 View Post
                          of course only parents are suppose to sacrifice their lifes for their childrens. true winners leave their parents for natural selection
                          So children might as well commit suicide, according to you. They are worthless until their parents die? You are not a Muslim or a human. Be ashamed of yourself. Loser. Islam is a religion of boundaries and it is written in the Koran that parents should not abuse children. I bet you are from a country that is a craphole.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by hasan2013 View Post

                            Firstly it's a sister.

                            Secondly parents are the ones who choose to give birth so they are choosing to sacrifice their lives for their children.

                            I'm not sure why hiring a care worker for the mum is so unacceptable, unless you have experience caring for someone day in day out you really shouldn't behave as if this job is a cake walk.

                            Burnout is a very common thing among family carers and rather than look down upon them and think of them as bad Muslims for wanting some time to themselves we should support them to find a good solution, perhaps they could arrange for a carer to pop in sometimes, maybe suggest a better system of managing their mum's care, maybe a change of doctor is necessary etc.

                            The only decent person here. Unfortunately, your answer is not enough to bring me back to this forum ever again. What a shameful place filled with (likely) losers from loser countries.

                            Thank you for your answer. The problem is that my dad is very cheap (even though he has 20-30 times more money than me). I recently learned that, in Islam, the parents are supposed to pay for their own bills/care and only turn to their kids once their own money runs out. So my parents are not doing things the Islamic way (not surprised). The fact that my father doesn't seem too perturbed that his grown children sacrificed 8 years of their prime life and likely have a destroyed life is bizarre. I didn't think parents were wired like this. I honestly think he never wants me to get married and to just live with them until they die. He also uses me for conversation because my mom is kind of quiet and he is too lazy to reach out to his friends/family (or make new friends). I think this is why he gets angry when the topic of men being interested in me ever came up (is this normal???). I am very disappointed in my father. He did some good things for his family, but ultimately, he did not care about one of the most important things--their future, their marriage and them having a family of their own (especially his daughters, who can only have children until a certain age). He doesn't care. And my mom is too sick (still) to manage the situation (she used to put her children first before she got sick). I am so upset. I hate life.

                            On another note, the only reason why I came to this sub is because there is hardly anything there for Muslims regarding senior/rehab care. I literally found one generic, vague video about it on YouTube. That alone was very disappointing. How is there not better guidance for us in this area, especially for those in the West who are caught between two cultures? And how are the people on this forum so rude to me about it for asking. I am so disappointed and sad. I asked another question about Islamic jurisprudence on senior care at the same time I posted this one and I was insulted.

                            Again, I repeat, there is a reason why Muslim countries are a mess. They don't know how to live, judge each other, ridicule each other, and the parents treat their children poorly. A recipe for disaster.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Pandora525 View Post

                              People like you are why Muslim countries are all in the garbage dump and why the West is excelling. They know better how to raise and take care of children instead of using them like slaves. Tew (spit) on all of you
                              Talk about judging people and you say spit on all of you
                              I never even said anything bad to you all I did was quote some ahadith

                              Your being emotional
                              If your not going to say anything beneficial leave the forum like you said you would

                              Comment

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