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  • #16
    Look deep, ask your parents for advice, or other elders you respect

    We dont know your situation, no matter how you explain it because you are speaking from your perspective, and obviously, your perspective is skewed (not blaming you) but its human nature to have difficulty in seeing ourselves
    .لا نريد زعيما يخاف البيت الإبيض
    نريد زعيما يخاف الواحد الأحد
    دولة الإسلامية باقية





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    • #17
      I can’t exactly ask my mum as she wasn’t the best parent to me and I don’t have any other elders that I know. I guess I should give my daughter more attention that’s the only thing I can think of¬†

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      • #18
        It sounds like when she's disrespectful, you engage with her and interact with her, even if it is to say "I told you to stop doing that- go to the other room", which suggests that she gets attention when she's disrespectful so she's getting what she wants out of the situation.  People discipline kids by taking away toys or making them sit on a naughty step because it's a way of telling the child you wont get what you want if you misbehave, whereas perhaps on some level you are giving her what she wants when she misbehaves cos you talk and respond to her and react to her- even if it is to tell her off.

        Don't smack her cos she's learning from her dad so it's not her fault and she's also learning from you that you let him get away with being disrespectful so that sets the standard of what acceptable behaviour is in the family.  As for how she turns out when she grows up, I'll mention two points: One, she's only little and just focus on how she's doing this month or this year- when it comes to how she turns out as a teenager, you can cross that bridge when you come to it but for now, focus on her childhood bridge on how she's doing this week or this month. 

        Two: I was watching a married couple on Oprah years ago and the wife was REALLY controlling.  The husband seemed nice, calm, patient and decent whilst the wife was dictating his every move: fold clothes this way, wash dishes that way, stack them my way, don't drink that, don't breathe like that.  The audience were shocked by how she treated him.  During the conversation, it transpired that she didn't even like being controlling but couldn't help it, so she was asked what does she have to gain by behaving like that?  She thought for a while and then she recalled a childhood memory of when she was 6 years old and her father was horribly abusive towards her mother, but her mother felt helpless and couldn't stand up to him.  That memory stuck with her so much that she promised herself that no matter what it takes, she will NEVER allow her life to be like her mother and she will NEVER allow a man to mistreat her that way.  In her strong determination to avoid becoming like her mother, she inadvertently ended up becoming like her father.  I'm not saying that is how your daughter will turn out as none of us really know what the future holds, but I am saying that the longer you stay in your marriage, the more damage it'll do to your children.  

        Children learn what they live, not what they're told, so you can tell her till you're blue in the face to stop being disrespectful, but your marriage is teaching her that disrespecting you is normal and acceptable behaviour.  I'm not saying leaving or being a single parent is a bed of roses or that it'll be easy, it'll entail a different set of problems, but your toxic marriage situation cannot continue the way it is either and on some subconscious level- that is what your daughter is trying to tell you.  Her behaviour isn't the root of the problem here- it's a symptom.
        The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

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        • #19
          Today when my daughter was getting ready For school she was being rude and disrespectful she kept on copying what I was saying and stomping her feet. Then she said to me ‘are you going to tell dad I’ve been rude to you’ so I said yes I will. Then she started crying loads and saying no don’t tell him, he shouts at me. So I said but I also shout at you? So she said yes but he does it louder and I am scared of him. So I said are you not scared of me ? Then she said no I’m not. Then because I said I’m going to tell my husband, she started saying stuff like her little brother hits her and kicks her (he’s a baby) and why don’t I tell my husband of him. And she got very upset when I said I will tell my husband and immediately stopped her behaivior. So I think it’s a case of her having no fear of me at all¬†

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          • #20
            She needs to respect you more than fearing you.

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            • #21
              I don’t know how to make her respect me

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              • #22
                You seem to keep ignoring the comments about your marriage.

                Your daughter will only respect you when she sees you being respected.

                As its been stated several times in this thread - children mimick what they see.

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                • #23
                  Dear Habiba

                  I registered to this forum becauseI wanted to try to help you and your daughter.
                  Could it be that your daughter needs more security and love? I don't think she wants to hurt your feelings at all, but something makes her to be mean. It can start by that she accidentally has a mood temper and when she sees you become helpless and sad by her actions, she gets angrier (to herself) and changes the angriness into making fun of you and end up hurting you more. She doesn't know how to stop in a way that she doesn't feel herself like a bad person. And she has learned this behaviour from your husband, I see from other replies.
                  I would recommend that you hug and kiss her and ask her to talk with you, tell her that you are her mom and best friend always and she can always rely on you. So she should not act badly to you, her mom. And even more than you or dad there is a God who loves her the most, and God wants her to respect her mother the most. Tell her that she is a sweet child and you forgive ger and absolutely do not hate her even she was mean to you before. Tell her that if she thinks someone doesn't like her, she can tell to you or God and you talk about it.
                  If she gets bad behaviour, try to keep strong and calm and do not look at her like she is scary, bad and makes you trouble. Look at her like she is a little child who she is, and being wrong and silly, and with love talk her out of the situation. You are the adult and you are in charge, childs get anxious if they feel like they are in charge (even if they want that). If you give her too much power you confuse her, she is small. And remember to instead of for exemple asking what she wants to eat today, don't ask it too widely but ask it giving her three options and letting her to decide out of the three.
                  Like in the moment when you asked her to go face the wall, you could have ended the situation by going to her, hugging her big and telling her you love her and ask what she would like to do with mum. And you can give the options to her she can decide from those again.
                  By being so sweet to her even she was bad, she will learn kindness a lot InshaAllah. Children do feel guilt and she might feel very sad of her own actions and really think you hate her, and actually you are the most loved one to her now.
                  You seem very kind mum and I wish all the best for you, your children and family. If your husband abuses you seek help and pray for Allah as he is the only one who can change anybody's situation.
                  When was the first time she started to misbehave like that to you?

                  How to talk to your kids:
                  https://youtu.be/896lQECar8A

                  And please don't let your children watch too muh YT or let them alone watching videos you do not see, in my home country moms try to warn other moms because of the harmful continent of YT Kid's videos. Even if it looks like ok first, videos for children, many of those actually contain weird crazy things and can cause children to be anxious, scared, hyperactive and aggressive. Because they don't understand what they see, but subconsiously images stick.

                  Youtube disturbing content:
                  https://youtu.be/fD2Dw1V4jvA

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Originally posted by AminaIJ View Post
                    Dear Habiba

                    I registered to this forum becauseI wanted to try to help you and your daughter.
                    Could it be that your daughter needs more security and love? I don't think she wants to hurt your feelings at all, but something makes her to be mean. It can start by that she accidentally has a mood temper and when she sees you become helpless and sad by her actions, she gets angrier (to herself) and changes the angriness into making fun of you and end up hurting you more. She doesn't know how to stop in a way that she doesn't feel herself like a bad person. And she has learned this behaviour from your husband, I see from other replies.
                    I would recommend that you hug and kiss her and ask her to talk with you, tell her that you are her mom and best friend always and she can always rely on you. So she should not act badly to you, her mom. And even more than you or dad there is a God who loves her the most, and God wants her to respect her mother the most. Tell her that she is a sweet child and you forgive ger and absolutely do not hate her even she was mean to you before. Tell her that if she thinks someone doesn't like her, she can tell to you or God and you talk about it.
                    If she gets bad behaviour, try to keep strong and calm and do not look at her like she is scary, bad and makes you trouble. Look at her like she is a little child who she is, and being wrong and silly, and with love talk her out of the situation. You are the adult and you are in charge, childs get anxious if they feel like they are in charge (even if they want that). If you give her too much power you confuse her, she is small. And remember to instead of for exemple asking what she wants to eat today, don't ask it too widely but ask it giving her three options and letting her to decide out of the three.
                    Like in the moment when you asked her to go face the wall, you could have ended the situation by going to her, hugging her big and telling her you love her and ask what she would like to do with mum. And you can give the options to her she can decide from those again.
                    By being so sweet to her even she was bad, she will learn kindness a lot InshaAllah. Children do feel guilt and she might feel very sad of her own actions and really think you hate her, and actually you are the most loved one to her now.
                    You seem very kind mum and I wish all the best for you, your children and family. If your husband abuses you seek help and pray for Allah as he is the only one who can change anybody's situation.
                    When was the first time she started to misbehave like that to you?

                    How to talk to your kids:
                    https://youtu.be/896lQECar8A

                    And please don't let your children watch too muh YT or let them alone watching videos you do not see, in my home country moms try to warn other moms because of the harmful continent of YT Kid's videos. Even if it looks like ok first, videos for children, many of those actually contain weird crazy things and can cause children to be anxious, scared, hyperactive and aggressive. Because they don't understand what they see, but subconsiously images stick.

                    Youtube disturbing content:
                    https://youtu.be/fD2Dw1V4jvA
                    Jzk soo much sis Amina it’s nice to not have a judgemental comment. Im very tired right now but just wanted to say thanks a lot for your comment and I will read it properly in the morning and take on board what you’ve said¬†

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Raising perfect kids is probably the most difficult task of the modern era. The prevalence of fitna is everywhere and there is only so much you can do...

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Today I sat with my daughter and we did homework for ages. After a while she asked me something and I didn’t immediately respond because was bit busy and she kind of slapped me on my chest but it was like a hard poke! Then I shouted at her and told her would u do that’ to ur dad or ur teacher an she said no cus they won’t ignore me... I said I wasn’t ignoring you u didn’t even give me chance to respond¬†

                        Even when she’s not being nasty to me if I ask her soemthing she responds in a not very nice way like she kind of elongates her answers showing her frustration to me.¬†

                        also I do always show lots of love to her I will always kiss her and hug her but she doesn’t always reciprocate like if I hug her she can’t wait to get off or if I tell her to come sit me with for a cuddle she won’t always come. My other children are very different although they are younger they always come sit in my lap and give me kisses and hugs and want to be held all th time etc but my daughter isn’t like this.¬†

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                        • #27
                          You need to engage with your daughter in a productive useful and interesting way. It has to become a natural part of your parenting, not just for an hour, or a day or a week, but every day. Make sure you are focussed on her and not your phone or whatever. Most parents just have kids but don't want to take the time and effort to work and play with them and mould them into well rounded individuals. Just sit them in front of TV or computer and leave it at that. It won't be easy as your daughter already feels ignored by you, so be prepared for the hard road ahead.
                          Spears shall be shaken! Shields shall be splintered! a sword day..a red day..ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride to ruin, and the worldís ending!

                          None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.Ē

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                          • #28
                            I think because I wasn’t shown any maternal love from my own mother ¬†I’m expecting too much from my daughter? Like with my mum, in my life I can’t remember a single time expect once that she kissed me and that was when she beat me up on Xmas day and after in the evening she felt bad so she sad sorry and gave me a quick peck on the forehead. Not sorry for hitting me but sorry for ruining Xmas. And I remember the day vividly and firstly it was the first time she said sorry after abusing me and secondly cos she kissed me.¬†
                            so I always wanted kids so I could show them the love I never had and have a great relationship
                            ¬†and becos it’s not how I expected maybe I am letting off negative energy without realising.¬†

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                            • #29
                              Originally posted by Eorlingas View Post
                              You need to engage with your daughter in a productive useful and interesting way. It has to become a natural part of your parenting, not just for an hour, or a day or a week, but every day. Make sure you are focussed on her and not your phone or whatever. Most parents just have kids but don't want to take the time and effort to work and play with them and mould them into well rounded individuals. Just sit them in front of TV or computer and leave it at that. It won't be easy as your daughter already feels ignored by you, so be prepared for the hard road ahead.
                              I try spend time with my daughter much as I can. I’m sure u understand how difficult it is wen she has school and after school activities and then it’s bed. But I try. The thing is sometimes we do activities like for eg we will colour at the request of my daughter and if my picture is better than hers she will kick off so badly scrunching up her paper and saying stuff like she’s not good at anything and why am I better than her at everything etc. I know the obvious thing to do is to do a crappy picture but If I do that she knows am doing it rubbish on purpose. I know this sounds so silly but literally whenever we do activities whatever it is she will always kick off and it makes me not want to do it¬†

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                              • #30
                                I don't think this is something that can be resolved with some advice by a few strangers on an internet forum as there are several deep and difficult issues going on at once in your family, whether it's to do with your past, your marriage or your daughter's behaviour.  If her behaviour is your primary concern, then you should probably call supernanny or someone like that cos' she's pretty good at giving parents the tools to bring out better behaviour in kids.  Also speak to her teachers and ask if they have any pointers as to how to get her to behave better with you.  Having said that, I think it's the other stuff going on that's causing your daughter to be like this and as long as that isn't resolved- it'll be a cause of continual trauma in both yours and her life.
                                The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

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