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A married daughter's role in mother's life

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  • A married daughter's role in mother's life

    Assalam o Aleikum

    I am writing this post because this is the best place to ask about opinions and points of views since the people in my life aren't clear about how they feel about certain things. So, we are only sisters born to a divorced mother. My father doesn't live with us and my mother struggled all her life to make ends meet .. alas i got married as my mother convinced me that the proposal is the best she thinks i'll ever get and ALHUMDULILLAH i'm very happy in my home with kids.

    Now .. I wish I had a brother who (as the cultural norm) could take care of my mother who is turning old and reaching retirement age .. she is paying for professional education for my sister but in a few years she will have to retire due to her age .. her job has a certain age for retirement and after that she doesn't seem to have any other job .. as she has tried to find many jobs in the past but she just hasn't ever been able to find any .. and by the grace of ALLAH this was like a miracle .. although she would have continued working until she would be very old .. the job just won't allow that ..

    I'm worried as a daughter because i have kids and i have devoted my life to them . .i dont work .. i do plan on continuing my education but i have no support from anyone ..
    like no one to take care of my kids .. while i go to college .. my mother lives overseas .. and ofcourse i know i will benefit from her coming to live with me and caring for my children so i can educate myself ..

    I am confused because I don't know if it is permissible for me to ask my husband for permission .. that if my mother could live with us when she doesn't have any other responsibilities so that she will have someone nearby (since my sister is away in college) and she's alone at her own home .. also she's sick .. her mental health is suffering since quite some years but she's working to educate her daughter.. my husband gives an unclear response like .. everyone would like the luxury of their mother caring for their children (my children) but thats not possible for lifetime .. etc .. now he's not clear .. like he's not blunt and i can understand why .. he doesn't want to be rude since it's a sensitive matter for me especially .. My sister .. who has some years of her education left is saying she will care for our mother once she gets a job .. but thats still a while away ..

    what are my rights as a daughter .. over my mother.. i have always been very scared and shy about this matter because i have a big in-law family living closeby who might judge me although we live separately and we meet them regularly and my mother in law comes over too .. I am scared to ask my husband properly too .. i just don't know how to .. i did say a few times and i didn't really get a .. yes she can live with us as long as she wants ..
    but i just feel i am always in a loss because i cannot do anything for my own mother? i still haven't finished my degree because I chose to get married .. but does that mean ALLAH swt has given me enough rights for me to be able to help or keep my mother with me since i have sacrificed for my husband .. i am taking
    care of his home and kids .. As a daughter, I'm very sorrowful because i want to know .. what has ALLAH swt said about this matter .. ? i feel i haven't done anything for my mother.

    JAZAKALLAH
    Last edited by sunshine785; 27-07-19, 05:59 AM.

  • #2
    Walaykum salam,

    One thing I do know for sure though is; of course you're permitted to ask your husband properly if your mum can stay with you- there's nothing in Islam that would prevent you from asking.

    I am not a scholar so can only give a lay Muslim view on this, but there seems to be a few different things going on at once here.¬* First of all, I think you need to know in your own mind what you want, because on the one hand it seems like you want your mum to stay to help look after the kids whilst you study and complete your education.¬* On the other hand, you say she has mental health difficulties and it getting old and close to retirement age, which implies that you want her to be able to stay with you permanently and to take care of her.¬* So in one post it comes across like you're asking for two very different things. ¬*

    Whilst I don't know your husband or what he thinks, I do suspect he'll say no to the prospect of your mother moving in permanently because your post implies that albeit in an indirect way, you've already tried to ask him and he's already implied what his answer is. ¬*

    My main point though is that before you approach your husband, you should have a clear idea in your own mind as to why you really want her to live with you.¬* If her age and illness are significant concerns then there's a chance that it'll interfere with your plans to study and add to your responsibilities on top of the children (rather than alleviate them with her being babysitter), though that shouldn't deter you from inviting her because Islamically it is the responsibility of the children to take care of elderly parents (not just sons).¬* I can't help but feel it makes more sense to let your sister take responsibility for your mother's care as you have the responsibility of children, a reluctant husband and you live in a different country from her. ¬*

    One of my second cousins has an elderly mother with increasing physical health problems so she invited her to stay in England with her.¬* The mother stayed for a few weeks and then went back to Pakistan because they are very blunt and stubborn and ended up arguing with each other a lot.¬* Also the mother has lived in Pakistan her whole life, adjusting to a new country in old age was outside her comfort zone.¬* The mother lives in Pakistan next door to her brother so she still has some support but lives alone.¬* The point being you also have to consider her adjustment to another country and whether she'd be happy and comfortable with you or not.¬* That is why I think it makes more sense to accept your sisters offer to take responsibility for your mother after she completes her studies.
    The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

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    • #3
      Originally posted by neelu View Post
      Walaykum salam,

      One thing I do know for sure though is; of course you're permitted to ask your husband properly if your mum can stay with you- there's nothing in Islam that would prevent you from asking.

      I am not a scholar so can only give a lay Muslim view on this, but there seems to be a few different things going on at once here.¬* First of all, I think you need to know in your own mind what you want, because on the one hand it seems like you want your mum to stay to help look after the kids whilst you study and complete your education.¬* On the other hand, you say she has mental health difficulties and it getting old and close to retirement age, which implies that you want her to be able to stay with you permanently and to take care of her.¬* So in one post it comes across like you're asking for two very different things. ¬*

      Whilst I don't know your husband or what he thinks, I do suspect he'll say no to the prospect of your mother moving in permanently because your post implies that albeit in an indirect way, you've already tried to ask him and he's already implied what his answer is. ¬*

      My main point though is that before you approach your husband, you should have a clear idea in your own mind as to why you really want her to live with you.¬* If her age and illness are significant concerns then there's a chance that it'll interfere with your plans to study and add to your responsibilities on top of the children (rather than alleviate them with her being babysitter), though that shouldn't deter you from inviting her because Islamically it is the responsibility of the children to take care of elderly parents (not just sons).¬* I can't help but feel it makes more sense to let your sister take responsibility for your mother's care as you have the responsibility of children, a reluctant husband and you live in a different country from her. ¬*

      One of my second cousins has an elderly mother with increasing physical health problems so she invited her to stay in England with her.¬* The mother stayed for a few weeks and then went back to Pakistan because they are very blunt and stubborn and ended up arguing with each other a lot.¬* Also the mother has lived in Pakistan her whole life, adjusting to a new country in old age was outside her comfort zone.¬* The mother lives in Pakistan next door to her brother so she still has some support but lives alone.¬* The point being you also have to consider her adjustment to another country and whether she'd be happy and comfortable with you or not.¬* That is why I think it makes more sense to accept your sisters offer to take responsibility for your mother after she completes her studies.

      My mother is Alhumdulillah still very active and healthy. My husband used to give a positive response in the beginning of his marriage so I donít know if his opinion changed about letting my mother stay with us. This is mostly out of concern for her as I think I need my mother right now more than she needs me. My husband allows me to continue my education but he is unable to provide any real support like babysitting kids etc and if my mother in law stays with us .. her other sons and daughters object when she takes care of my home .. plus sheís much elderly than my mother and wouldnít be able to do so.

      What I want is very needed for both my mother and me. My sister still has a few years of education left and she canít earn yet and plus ofcourse she will one day get married. As an elder daughter I feel itís my responsibility to take care of my mother.

      I was saying my mother could live with us so that she wouldnít feel alone through her health and sheís still very active and lively so that if she takes care of my children I could benefit and complete my education. If I am able to complete my education this way I wouldnít be worried about supporting her and would be able to provide for her myself instead of waiting for my sister to earn or to use my husbands money to provide for her (which i feel uncomfortable with). My mother has lives here before so sheís very used to living here. I donít think that would be a problem.

      My main concern is my husband .. is it farz on me to take care of her meanwhile my sister canít? And can I ask my husband on that basis. He used to say before donít worry about your mother we will provide for her in old age etc but I have seen his opinion change I think... which bothers me because I entered marriage thinking my husband would care..

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      • #4
        This has some information that might help

        https://islamqa.info/en/answers/1671...lderly-parents

        ¬*

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        • #5
          Originally posted by sunshine785 View Post


          My mother is Alhumdulillah still very active and healthy. My husband used to give a positive response in the beginning of his marriage so I donít know if his opinion changed about letting my mother stay with us. This is mostly out of concern for her as I think I need my mother right now more than she needs me. My husband allows me to continue my education but he is unable to provide any real support like babysitting kids etc and if my mother in law stays with us .. her other sons and daughters object when she takes care of my home .. plus sheís much elderly than my mother and wouldnít be able to do so.

          What I want is very needed for both my mother and me. My sister still has a few years of education left and she canít earn yet and plus ofcourse she will one day get married. As an elder daughter I feel itís my responsibility to take care of my mother.

          I was saying my mother could live with us so that she wouldnít feel alone through her health and sheís still very active and lively so that if she takes care of my children I could benefit and complete my education. If I am able to complete my education this way I wouldnít be worried about supporting her and would be able to provide for her myself instead of waiting for my sister to earn or to use my husbands money to provide for her (which i feel uncomfortable with). My mother has lives here before so sheís very used to living here. I donít think that would be a problem.

          My main concern is my husband .. is it farz on me to take care of her meanwhile my sister canít? And can I ask my husband on that basis. He used to say before donít worry about your mother we will provide for her in old age etc but I have seen his opinion change I think... which bothers me because I entered marriage thinking my husband would care..
          Not sure what country you are in but would you be able to do your studies online or wait until your youngest is in full time education?

          If your husband was once open to the idea then inshaAllah you can talk him into it again. You would have to remain calm and not get emotional or sound demanding. Look up hadith about caring for parents and if needed relate them to him.¬*

          You could try a different approach, rather than saying you want your mum to stay with you or she will need help when health gets worse, you could ask your husbands opinions. Ask him questions like who is going to look after my mum when she can not support herself?¬* What will happen to her once my sister gets married? Tell him you are concerned.

          Just wanted to add would your husband be okay with you studying and then working?

          I hope Allah swt helps you reach an agreement with your husband.Ameen.
          ¬*
          Last edited by Mintchocchip; 27-07-19, 09:02 PM.

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